214: A small note - the selfish me

Have been writing more than usual lately.

Have started speaking to contacts and friends and considering the possibility of 'what next?' My son is in the middle of his exams and university should be near. So, more thinking is natural!

And this short note is to consider whether I am reaching a conclusion about what has been my life. 

In navel gazing getting ready for a book club - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and often saying that I 'rationalise' what I consider to be my lack of success through stating that I have 'chosen' a balanced life, I wonder if I'm just being pretentious?

You see, life is made of so much chance - our agency is pretty limited. So, ultimately, through a combination of luck and work and decisions, we have ended up with a nice house, a comfortable life and a strong educational base for our son.

On a selfish note, I have spent time at home and played a full part in my son's life and supported - more than supported - our life at home. In the end we die - I am happy with how life has treated me. I know that now as, I think, I always have done. Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

But I now need to be confident in that feeling and not apologise - and who cares anyway!!! xx

213: The next time, what I will say

 My current assignment as a contractor is drawing to a close and it has been a difficult gig - I have not been that happy.

But I was on the phone with a friend who is also on this project and she is also not happy. So there was a bit of counselling going on and some complementary whingeing.

My wife was in the room.

'So what will you do?'

'I have a few days per week which will see me through the summer and then will look again from August.'

'You should do a permanent job. Constantly complaining about others. If you were so good, why are you in this situation.'

I kept silent but this is what I mean when I say I know what I will say the next time she makes a statement such as this. And it happens relatively often: Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'Listen, M., I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a failure. And that the only thing I am half good at is driving. You do not need to say it again.'

We go downstairs and, to make conversation, I say that our cleaner was stressed because 40 family members came down for her infant daughter's birthday and she had to do all the work.

'What's wrong with that. Like my mother used to cope with lots and lots of friends all the time. Shows love and friendship rather than being isolated.' She did not go on to say, 'like your family', though she was thinking it for sure.

Something of an irony this - on two counts. First, I was very glad that for the years 2 - 6 of our marriage my brother was in Italy, we were in India and then France and my parents bounced between the UK and India. When we were in the same country for that first year, I was always on tenterhooks when we met as a family because she would have hang-ups about most / all of them and find a reason to be angry.

Second, because I have driven dinner invites for neighbours or friends over the years far more than her.

Lack of usefulness or value is one thing but if I am accused of being a poor conversationalist, is it any wonder? If there is always some value judgement or an accusation at the end of any proferred thought: Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why shoud I if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.'

212: As usual .... and a meeting

This fellow J. and I have worked together off and on for about 15 years. We also worked with C. and with B.

B. was the one I was accused by my wife of having an affair with - not true. Confidant: 62: Is this a balanced person? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

So J. invites C. and me - along with wives - to Sunday lunch. He also invites B.

My wife had not met B. before and has not mentioned her since coming back home - today is Monday.

And, of course, as usual, we set off 20 minutes late for J.'s house - this does not happen if we are going to one her friends' houses. Her parents routinely used to turn up to invitations an hour late at least - Confidant: 202: Happy New Year (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) (para. 5); so twenty minutes is an improvement I suppose.

Anyway ....

211: Resonances in the public sphere

 As I've noted before, there are very few things new in life. There are resonances in the public sphere - Confidant: 147: Interesting thoughts on a Common Theme – even Dr Who has doubts!! (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My issues are uniquely mine but I am one of 8 billion people and (i) nobody cares and (ii) hundreds of millions are working through the same things and have done so through eternity.

Does not lessen my issues or disrespect them but perhaps there are lessons.

This was an interesting article about an artist called Miranda July who changed direction dramatically at about 50.

‘I was in a kind of ecstatic freefall’: artist Miranda July on writing the book that could change your life | Miranda July | The Guardian

This is a book about menopause and change but this passage resonated: 'Talking to these older women, she started to consider time in a new way. As a young person she’d thought ahead to the family she might have, the fantasy, maybe, of being a star. Now at 50, “When I look ahead the same number of years, then it’s death at the end. You start setting your goals.” To my polite open mouth she says, gently, “I’m giving you the sense of the headspace that I was in when I was writing, which was, ‘Who do I want to be as a dying person?’” Here is, maybe, the hidden, spiritual element of the book. “So much of what you thought was you was maybe really other people. That starts to become more clear. And the weird part is,” she chuckles earnestly, “there can be discomfort, but I think there’s a kind of psychedelic joy to it, too.” And this is what the novel, All Fours, revealed itself to be about.'

She moved out of the family home into a studio and separated - amicably - from her husband. To give herself the space.

And then there was this: I’ve joined the sisterhood of divorced women. We’re happier set free | Divorce | The Guardian by Tove Danovich

This passage resonated particularly: 'At one point during our separation, my now former spouse told me that I was acting selfishly. He meant it as an insult; it made me feel like I was doing the right thing. After my marriage ended, I found myself newly focused on prioritizing things that really mattered to me: making space for friends, creativity, and simple things that brought me joy like taking long walks outside, or playing music early in the morning when he’d been asleep.

'For years, I had put him ahead of myself – I didn’t let myself get upset about things I knew he wouldn’t change. I didn’t consider travel, which would keep me away from home for too long, even when I wanted to go, and I didn’t even let myself consider whether I wanted children since I knew my husband did not. For me, marriage was like getting on to a long highway and forgetting that other roads existed. Once I considered leaving, all I saw were the off-ramps and detours I could have taken along the way.'

For me, this was a highway I wanted - my life was fine and I wanted to / was ready to share. I did not realise I would become a servant, and an incompetent one at that!!! Confidant: 210: All the work and all the pain (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 

The article reminded of the advice from an agony aunt I wrote to: 'Hi there A., You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt. "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?" In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

May I have the courage.

210: All the work and all the pain

 Today was the sort of day I remember too well - Confidant: 47: A Typical Saturday (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Minutiae I know but that is what makes up the tapestry of life, non?!

 We wake up and go to home | parkrun UK.

Over the years it is my lead she has followed in getting some regular exercise - previously there would be nothing.

We come back home about 11 am.

I then cut the grass till about 2:30 pm - we have a big garden!! - with a short break for lunch - which is a couple of fried frankfurters that, admittedly, she makes.

At lunch I say that I might go and watch some of my former cricket team play after I finish the garden. 'Come back and then we can go shopping.' Why I have to follow behind her while she does the shopping I have no fucking clue - this is a new thing!

I suggest a pork roast for dinner and I calculate that if we want dinner at about 7:30 pm we don't really have time for a big shop as the roast takes time. So, I suggest we go to the big shop tomorrow. I'll just get stuff for the dinner.

'You don't buy the right things. I will give you a list.'

'Never mind,' I say. 'I won't go to the cricket, tell me when you are ready and we can go to the shops.'

Ten minutes later. 'I don't have time to go to the shops right now as I am waiting for a call. You have to go and here is the list.'

Of course, being in one of her moods, when I come back, the mushrooms are bad, the ham is the wrong sort, as is the bread.

I start to cook. 'Not like that.' - so she starts interfering and, therefore, delaying.

I have brought two big and one medium potatoes to make mash. I start with peeling two as that will be enough. 'Peel and boil all three - that's the only thing I have to eat.' There are also carrots and broccoli - though she does not eat broccoli. Of course, there is mash left-over at the end.

Cook the dinner, prepare the table, call her and my son. 'I will do the clearing up,' she declares. And then goes and sits on the fucking computer to get some information for a family friend.

While I leave the dishes in the sink - I am not competent to fill the dishwasher - I clear up the rest of the kitchen and put the leftovers away.

It is now 9:30 pm. The sink is still to be done and then she will get to putting clothes in the wash. All day she has done precisely zero value add while sitting in front of the laptop doing fuck knows what - but, no doubt, will feel she has worked hard as she has left everything for the end of the day.

Do all the work, obviously get nothing right and get all the pain.

Remember ... do not forget. This is why you have to leave. Because Confidant: 207: "water is not dry” (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - people are who they are.

209: A bit of fun - Extras / Supporting Artists

 A long time ago - through my wife's connections - she and I were extras in a French film. 2002 or thereabouts.

Just to bring some variety into my life now and then, I have applied to various agencies in London - and have done a couple of shoots!!!

Blanket searching over-50s modelling as well - why not?

208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand

So I've started to look at some street-casting work - extras in films and tv or some advertisements.

It is very modestly paid but adds a bit of variety to my daily life!

'If it paid well,' I said, 'that is what I would do. Corporate life is not motivating me.'

'Of course work can be exciting,' she responded, 'Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it can't be fun.'

This did hurt me a little, I have to admit. For sure, I haven't 'made it' and it is a level of rationalisation on my part to say that at least some of that is due to my wanting to play a large part in the home and be a 'present' father.

But, in gross terms, salary in the high £80ks since 2006, rising to six figures since early 2010s, nice house, private school, holidays, her choosing not to work till the last couple of years - plus a full part in the house, close to my son, home every day.

Then, in some context, we were talking about driving, and she says, 'that is one thing you are good at - driving.'

No need to dispute any of that and perhaps not meant in any nasty fashion - unlike 'aren't you ashamed of not having had a pay rise for five years.' Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Too tired. It is what it is and life has happened. Whether I was lazy or whether I have been lucky enough actually to lead the balanced life I could have wished for, I don't know and who cares?

But a failure overall and only ability is as a good driver - I know where I stand!

Bon ....

207: "water is not dry”

 A very interesting article: The secret to good relationships? Accept family and friends for who they really are | Life and style | The Guardian

The writer writes that, 'It can be painful to discover people are not who we want them to be. But once this is grasped, we can form much more meaningful bonds'.

'Because, if you have not yet acknowledged this fact, you might unconsciously be labouring under the assumption that, if you just try hard enough, you can make water whatever consistency you like. You might be exhausting yourself to the point of ill health to get through a impossibly long to-do list at work. You might be diligently trying to please a parent in order to receive love from them that they do not have the capacity to give. You might be seeking to turn or nudge your partner into being more ambitious, whether through subtle manipulation, bribery or domination.'

'It is only when we understand the fundamental differences between us that we are able to meet each other as separate individuals with our own thoughts, feelings and character. That is essential to forming meaningful relationships with respect and dignity at their core, rather than control.'

'It may sound defeatist to say the world is the way it is, but in truth it is a liberation. Because acknowledging the reality in front of you does not necessarily mean tolerating it; it means seeing it clearly and responding in freedom.

'If you are able to recognise and then relinquish the desire to shape your water/universe/job/love interest to fit a precise hole in the jigsaw puzzle of your mind, you are then free to make your own choices (once the wailing has run its course). In turn, your love interests – and my husband – are free to grow and develop in their own way, rather than into our dolls.'

'You can say to yourself: I have an impossible job that I cannot do well in the time I’m paid to do it and my manager won’t listen, so I will try to get another job, or I will choose to devote more of my time to my work than I am paid to do. You can decide: my partner is the way he is, so I’m going to leave him. Or you might decide: my partner is the way she is, so I will see what love can grow around and through these difficulties and differences. You can choose whether you prefer to have a wet toy car, or a dry one that you can play with before and after a bath. You can choose to build a better life – one that is not stuck and stagnant because you are pouring all your energy into pretending to yourself that you live in a reality you prefer, rather than the one you are living in.'

In my case, it is not that I have tried to 'shape' her - it is complementary skills that make a team. However, there is, perhaps, just a mismatch. For many years I kept changing my side of the equation to match her's - and she might say the same in converse. I have not succeeded - and I will not without turning into a vegetable.

It is not easy, of course, to 'be free to make your won choices.'

This, though, also reminds me of a letter I wrote to an agony aunt - Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And her advice, 'Hi there A., 

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Captain of my ship. master of my fate? We'll see.

206: Readying for a book club

 A friend of mine runs a book-club and we take it in turns to facilitate a session. The subjects are varied - from business to sustainability to systems thinking and much more. This posting is notes.

I was asked to do another one and my choice has been to think about 'the next phase.' I went back to one of my earlier entries - Confidant: 110: Mid-Life - another common story (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and we have decided to title it something along the lines of 'Achieving the U'.

I will use this entry to consider things as they go.

As a starter, I came across this, 'I often find myself thinking about the famous question that ends Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day: Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? in this article: The one question we all need to ask ourselves – and how to tune in to the answer | Life and style | The Guardian

And the poem in question is: Poem 133: The Summer Day

In a sense, as I wrote in the last entry, Confidant: 205: Going out with a friend and the end of days (dear-confidant.blogspot.com), this is a first world problem. If you are hungry or living in a war zone or incapacitated in another way, if you have many dependents, this is not a question you are addressing. 

Each one of us is 1 in 8 billion and so, nobody actually cares. Come in to land to a city, drive along neighbourhoods and each light behind a door is a universe. And yet, and yet, grand or small surely we matter too. Also as I wrote in the last entry, each of us has our journey and we, if we can afford it, perhaps deserve to give ourselves the chance to be ..... free? content? without fear?

In the future I am not looking for any self-actualisation, the mythic perfect other, I am not trying to 'find myself' or 'be my best self'. I have had a lucky life and been nominally useful to family, friends and employers.

Is it a level of peace? 

In an earlier post - Confidant: 133: Good enough - a philosphy (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - there was a passage 'For a while now, that hyperbole has been losing ground to a spirit of anti-utopianism – of accepting yourself as you are, building a good-enough life, or just protecting yourself from the worst of the world outside.  At the core of Gawdat’s “formula for happiness” is the venerable observation that happiness equals reality minus expectations: in order to feel distress because your life is lacking something, you must first have had some expectation of attaining that thing. (My life lacks a 70ft yacht, but this causes me no suffering, because I never imagined I’d have one.)'

For work, my expectations and desire changed over time and so I have been content most of the time. I have not been a high achiever through a combination of lack of effort, a focus on the home front and a lack of talent - my wife would say entirely because of the last.

In my personal life, I have not had any 'expectations' with friends - who does (?) - and have a wide and varied group who have been my lifeline.

With my son, the expectations have been on myself - can I be a good, present father. He will know that and answer that in his own time.

With my wife, again, I had no huge expectation. As I quote in an earlier post Confidant: 199: Casual Callousness (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) 'I could say that when I think about my dream partner, what I want in that person is so basic, so low-bar, I’m almost ashamed to say it out loud: someone who’s happy to see me. Someone who smiles when I walk into a room. Someone who can be happy with me and for me ...'

And I remember the post where I quoted Hanif Khureishi Confidant: Entry 26: A Maudling Post (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)where he writes about a student of his, 'My student didn't wish for anything like 'total liberation' - a revolution, a new social set-up - just for a satisfying marriage. And it is worth noting about the classic heroines of literature, Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary, or even the characters in the David Lean's Brief Encounter, that they are not compulsive transgressors. They are asking for very little, and for everything, which, for them, is a fuller, more satisfying love.'

Maybe her expectations were higher. Maybe I have not measured up and hence the continuous unhappiness and anger. In the world of project management there is stress on 'lessons learned' which, actually, no one does. But I do not want to end up like my parents - bitter to the last in their own way. Is it wrong to consider a change? I am not imagining stuff: Confidant: 67: Clearly A Failure (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

There was another session with the book-club earlier this week and we were talking about potential. And about personality and character: 'Personality is your predisposition your basic instincts of how to think feel and act - it's your tendency. True test of character is whether you stand by those values when the deck is stacked against you. It’s not about the traits you have its what you decide to do with them.'

And, you know, while I say that I have lived for others and need to have time of my own, I also believe that, mostly, I have been fortunate enough to be able to live up to my character. I considered some of these thoughts before Confidant: 156: Looking back - a moment of reflection, with help from Primo Levi and others (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I stated that, of course, we all rationalise and I am the hero in my own story. But, while I never reached corporate heights, I have provided a good life for my wife and son while also being a present father. Before the days of family, I was nominally successful and did not stay in one function but moved and tried different things - when it would have been 'better' to stay in one function in terms of promotion.

And I never considered it a sacrifice to put my wife before my professional career - going to the CEO and saying I needed a move so she could work, not moving to South Africa as the head of a unit - or focusing on being a dad and a fully committed partner. These were my natural instincts and what I wanted to do.

But there was another line that caught my eye. 'Focus on the next step, making it immune to regret and full of possibility.'

That is where I am and where I must move.

And this from entry 211 - ‘I was in a kind of ecstatic freefall’: artist Miranda July on writing the book that could change your life | Miranda July | The Guardian

This is a book about menopause and change but this passage resonated: 'Talking to these older women, she started to consider time in a new way. As a young person she’d thought ahead to the family she might have, the fantasy, maybe, of being a star. Now at 50, “When I look ahead the same number of years, then it’s death at the end. You start setting your goals.” To my polite open mouth she says, gently, “I’m giving you the sense of the headspace that I was in when I was writing, which was, ‘Who do I want to be as a dying person?’” Here is, maybe, the hidden, spiritual element of the book. “So much of what you thought was you was maybe really other people. That starts to become more clear. And the weird part is,” she chuckles earnestly, “there can be discomfort, but I think there’s a kind of psychedelic joy to it, too.” And this is what the novel, All Fours, revealed itself to be about.'

205: Going out with a friend and the end of days

 A very pleasant evening gong out to a stand-up show - with the friend that I have in the past been accused of having an affair with - Confidant: 62: Is this a balanced person? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). (not true by the way - have not had an affair!)

Our son passed his driving test a couple of weeks ago. A huge (and not huge) thing this - as he had failed a few times last summer. He is also coming up to the end of his school life.

I turned 55 last December.

None of the above are really connected but, somehow, it seems like the 'end of days'. Some sort of phase is coming to an end. I was - partly - sharing this with my brother in law (a physicist) and he said that, in physics, ends of phases are associated with what are known as 'critical points'.

A big six months coming up - important but, in the grand scheme of things, not important as well.

Son and his school finals? How will he do, where will he go for university?

What will I do?

Will I be successful in getting an assignment abroad? Will I have the courage to make the break and move out?

Not important because comfortable first world problems and non-health problems - one friend is going in for a prostrate cancer operation and another lost her life to cancer recently - are not problems at all. But, at the same time, they matter because each has our journey and we, if we can afford it, perhaps deserve to give ourselves the chance to be ..... free? content? without fear?

204: Another purchase and more of the imaginary world

A significant amount of money was spent over Christmas - that's ok.

Except for perhaps one year when we moved to this bigger house, we have not really had to be too careful with money. We are not rich but we are ok. I do not think, though, that she appreciates the value of money. 

And there are irritating inconsistencies. Not much economising on the credit card bill but going all out on saving small amounts - Confidant: 185: Two pounds fucking fifty ... (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

As it happens, in the link above, I share a couple of incidents where, I believe, she lives in her own world and imagines herself to be something other than what she is.

And there was another example recently. For the first ten years or more of our son's life, when she was not working, she would go away to India for the summer - six weeks or so - to spend time with her parents and brothers and friends. No problem - I missed my son but was glad of the quiet from her. The other day she tells my cousin - who has a small child - that she used to go back to India like my parents and I used to go back; as if she were following my example rather than the fact that she was making the decision all on her own. And that, over the past few years, she had told me that she would not be returning every summer - as if I had been the one telling her to do so!!!

And the two strands of wasteful spend and an imaginary world combine when this huge cooking thing arrives at the door - it is huge and presumably significantly expensive. Turns out to be a new kitchen mixer / food processor.

The previous one was old but, more pertinently, was hardly ever used. And, to make more space on the kitchen top, I had placed it in a side cupboard. It wasn't used in, literally, years. Ultimately, she was the one who left it outside the house - and someone who needed it took it away.

But she probably considers herself something of a major cook - she is not - and this new one has arrived. Presumably she has read about it somewhere or seen a friend having it. I obviously have not said anything - let's see how often it is used!

Anyway, it is not about the money - it is this constant hankering.

I was talking to an old friend today. He and his wife do not give each other presents - they buy things as they need it through the year. As we do too. Some people simply do not grow up - and She is one such person.

And so while I think that what I need is separation and nothing else needs to change, one part of me says that formal divorce is better - separation and formalisation of the money side will free me up; otherwise I will always be worrying about what she needs and not what I can afford for myself.

I also write in the linked post about the need for control. Our cleaner of many years perhaps could not take my wife's 'advice' any more and suddenly up and left. Now, this cleaner had done this sudden-leaving in the past from other friends' houses - so, maybe, it was just a thing that she does. Then a new cleaner comes - and, literally, on the second visit says that she cannot work here - having received multiple instructions on how to do things. Whereas, I have survived almost 25 years now - first through duty and then through not being able to contemplate living apart from our son.

203: Another last?

 In the end I did buy a present for her birthday - another expensive perfume despite stating that I would not. Confidant: 202: Happy New Year (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). It's been alright - lots of money spent, nothing to complain about as a consequence!

Today I arranged a two hour session for her at John Lewis - to discuss her style and wardrobe. I was wondering how the presents I have bought her have focused on her - perfume and lotions and this. Whereas she bought a sweater I did not need and have too many of already - and pair of joggers to be fair. Only once in our marriage - the first anniversary I think it was - did she buy thinking of me, a golf putter. Even the jogger - she wants me to wear tighter clothes as I have lost weight! 'You should wear tighter clothes - why do you have wear baggy stuff like your sister-in-law?' Can she just please leave me alone?!!

I sawed the Christmas tree into pieces today - ready for the bin truck tomorrow - and put the lights and decorations and toys away. Is that the last time?!

What I felt was - yes - partly, fear of whether I would be able to do it, say it and leave once our son's school career is over. But the bigger fear was one of having to go through the Christmas rigmarole again and not having taken the fateful step of actually leaving or, at least, articulating the desire to. We will see.

I liked this article ‘You’re better off single than in a bad relationship’: lessons in love readers learned from their parents | Life and style | The Guardian. 

And one of the statements there in particular. 'Anger is a choice. If you can control your feelings around your colleagues, friends and strangers, then you can do it around your family. It took a lot of unlearning as an adult to not behave like my parents.'

As I have repeatedly said, this anger (along with the need for control) are the most tiring. One moment anger and then, suddenly, sweetness and light. That cannot be right.