71: What I really think but cannot say

I cannot say because it may be too hurtful for you. You have never held back and have dealt – and deal – in a currency that is unbelievably harsh but I have desisted and only let out my feelings in this blog.

This is just a rant but I have to get it out. Random things from all over the place.

 For you perhaps, the big things over-rule the small ones. So, I can be a distant, unhelpful husband but if the presents are expensive enough, that’s ok? I am different. For me, it is the small things that matter and no amount of big things compensate for that – in fact, I do not need big things.

 So, I found some old notes in my phone – perhaps you have read it in your routine examinations of my phone. They date from about nine months back:

Have said again and again from almost the start of our marriage – ‘what happens once a month’ that you lose all control? And you know I wasn’t being facetious about your periods. So it is not as if I have not brought your anger to your attention.

 For many years I requested that you do not spend long hours on the computer in bed while I am trying to sleep - no change (current note: better in the new house)

 Have said about farting loudly or in bed - no change

 Have said about shower head - no change (current note: took a year and a half to leave the shower head the way it should be so it does not leak)

Have said about double standards in terms of tidiness and timeliness - no change 

Leave potty marks and period marks - no change

Where was ‘us and a couple’ (your words) when for month after month you ignored me

Where was ‘us and a couple’ when I would come home, do dinner and then do housework till 10. 

I have sometimes stayed at home - for example when putting up pictures. Far from cheery help, you mostly did Facebook and then you kept criticising my cleaning - you could have helped

I had months of disaster warning when I invited a large group around. I succeeded without drama. 

You say you can cope. But two evenings late due to work and there was stress. 6 years I did nothing but work, work and work at work and at home.

I decided to start Boxfit recently – drama about dinner in time. So, I stopped.

 I have prioritised home and got kicked in the teeth. 

‘us and a couple’ needs respect, not constant haranguing. You do it to your parents. I remember your saying to your mum, ‘It’s not as if you cook very well.’ And all in that strident voice of yours.

 I don’t buy you gifts? Generally, completely pooh poohed or exchanged – don’t care about that but you would have if I had reacted in that way.

 You believe in hints. So to increase couple friends I have suggested J and N, E and K, F and I coming for dinner - nothing. Neighbours - nothing. Why do hints only work one way?

When we went out frequently in D. and P. and we did not have a child, were you better? No. I was always waiting for the next blow up.

At the beginning of our marriage, you said you ‘hated’ my sister-in-law. That may have abated but I remained on tenterhooks every time we met. It was a good thing we lived in different countries for many years.

With my cousin, you said to her, ‘Oh he loves you more than he loves me, he went to the shops with you.’ Someone I see once every four years I am entitled. You didn't let me go to the airport with her even though that was the trip where she lost her mother.

And you became angry because she used too many towels – and probably still are fourteen years later.

‘She hugged you more than she hugged me’ - and I had to sit next you all evening at my cousin’s engagement party.

 You are crazy over living in P. now but it was a nightmare then.

 You said that I buy gifts for my god-daughter and not my son. That was one battle – to my shame – I decided not to take on and have completely neglected my god-daughter.

 It is humiliating the way you behave with outsiders and the different way you behave with us inside the house.

We are stupid and have to be controlled. 

And ok I neglect you and so I get that. But our son? The constant drama with a lovely, fantastic boy.

You are aggressive towards those closest to you.

It is all about control. I do not want clothes for Christmas, yet you insist. Actually I do not need anything as I spend money on the gym and golf. I work on what is important to me in looking good. Losing weight and getting fit. 

I am unable to please you historically. This weekend there is a good film out. Our only option is to go to my parents and see it on sat or sun evening. Is that good? Is that bad? Do I need to think of something else? I have no idea what will please you.

There is clearly some sort of insecurity deep within you. You do not know what you want. 

 I have said, ‘I give up. Tell me or do it yourself. Do not wait.’

 Let go of anger, let go of double standards, find some stimulation. And things will be better. 

6 April

Booked resto dinner for last night - you postponed because of friend. The drama if I had done that would not be worth thinking about

 Went to lunch at a nice restaurant – you end up complaining about the kids there. Graceless. 

7 April - I made the effort of ‘a couple’. Watching together on TV. Finished with our son P. early. You stayed on Facebook through the whole time. 

I looked up dates from last year because you say I go out all the time:

 27 March – official farewell (work)

 03 April - purely social 

July 17 - you on holiday or would have gone

Aug - you on holiday or would have gone

10 Sep - 50th birthday for work colleague

19 Sep – retirement party for work colleague

 16 Oct - asked permission to go to an extra evening – drink with colleagues in a new department

17 Oct - my leaving do from my old team. Had to leave my own party early because you were angry

11 Dec - Christmas party

 So, six social events in a year and you would have gone to two of those had you been in town. Is that too many?

Current note

You talked in the summer about work and expect a high paying, fulfilling role to come knocking on your door simply because you have a degree. Life ain’t like that.

 You think it beneath you to try and start as a volunteer or admin. – ‘I have nothing in common with those people.’

 When you have worked, I have seen you work. You will do the minimum necessary. You have no motivation or real desire to work.

You used to say that my mother could have worked instead of complaining if she had only wanted to. Does that not apply to you? And you have far more opportunity than my mum. I say to you, just like our friends M. and S. and many others, you could have worked if you had wanted.

To turn around now and say that you have sacrificed for our son’s sake is a travesty of the truth – you have made your choices and we should not bear the brunt of your regrets.

You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why shoud I if all you can do is insult?

You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 (You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.

 You have lost me. I have tried for many, many years – I cannot go on.

 In the early posts on this blog, I can see that I’ve written things like, ‘What do I do? I have a commitment. I must put my head down and carry on.’

No more.

 Let us hope you do not also lose our son.

 Do you know that on those evenings you go out with your friends, we have the most lovely time? A bit of work, dinner, a game or two and then quiet reading. Unlike the stress that exists when you are around.

Our son – unlike me – is a bounce-backer and in that sense more like you. He will take your punishment and then be as cheerful as before but how long will he carry on like that?

Do you note the times he asks why you have to scold him all the time? When his shoulders slump and his face becomes small at yet another harangue? When he is afraid as you stomp up the stairs? When I have had to take him to one side and, once, out for a drive just to calm him down? When after you have had a go at me, how he comes across and gives me a spontaneous hug?

How does someone become so angry and so hurtful to those she can cause the most damage to?
How?

For six months in 2011 you virtually did not speak to me. Now I know the reason why – a friend (of both of us) from Brussels had come around on your birthday and we did not go out especially for you. So I look at my blog for my last birthday: Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time. Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.

When I suggest a particular restaurant in town for your birthday, you say it is 'too cheap.'

I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others but those at home are treated like shit, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to you  - suitcases not unpacked for eight weeks….

You have a cleaner, a trouble free son and a low maintenance husband and you do not have to go out to a job – so why are you working till 10 and saying you have no time?

You have bashed the car around and it has bumps and scrapes all over. I say nothing. And yet you tell me and your son off if we forget to switch off a light. You lose a diamond earring and that is not a problem but our son gets an earful for a small mishap.

You have said that I should be ashamed of my lack of a pay rise. Whatever you say cannot take away the ten years that I have had with our son and the relationship that I have with him. Get lost for all I care.

You try to control what I wear, call me a tramp. I say nothing.

You know that other wives often have to cancel dinners, lately several have had to go back to work or are told to be careful about money – you have never, never had that with me. Your life, my life, your decisions, my decisions - I am sorry it has not worked out.

I give up.