It has been a quiet few days since Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? exactly a week ago. And I am glad that I bit the bullet and had the conversation rather than wait another week ... and then another.
There were a few questions, I follow up with a letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one, we go out for dinner with our son, we / she book a play to go to next week and then a pre-arranged dinner at my cousin's, where my brother is also present.
She had written to this cousin (and another) in 2015 to accuse me of lots of things and so everyone at the dinner knew about the separation except for my nephews whom we have not told. (We have also not told our son as yet.) My wife was perfectly pleasant and there was no tension through the day or at the evening.
I do not kid myself that there has been any level of 'acceptance' on her part. On the Kubler Ross transitions of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, I have not seen the move to Anger yet, let alone subsequent stages.
This morning she asks, 'I have read your letter and have a lot of questions - which I will ask.' 'Of course,' I say.
'But I want to ask two questions first. Do you have some sort of terminal illness and you are doing this to make it easier for me? Or is it that you are worried about pensions - which you keep saying you have not handled very well and are not very good - and separation would protect me?'
I did not understand the logic of the second question but did not the labour the point - 'no,' I say, 'neither.'
So, this still feels like the 'Denial' stage? That I am not really doing this - that I am not leaving her but that there is a wider reason. I do not look forward to the next few stages but keep the vision of when I will move out in mind. In the meantime, I will look to answer her questions as best I can.
An ex-boss decided to divorce in her late 60s. It was, by all accounts, a difficult split ... but they mutually said, 'I don't like you'! This is more difficult in some ways as, despite her displayed behaviour and my thoughts on how that has affected me (which I have shared over the years), she does not feel that there is much wrong.
I took on an assignment once where the boss was a complete bully. He had made his leadership team into a set of vegetables and his behaviours were terrible. After about six to eight weeks, I had to go to him and say that I was moving on and he should find someone else. 'Why are you leaving?' 'Well, Steve, you have your style and I have mine and they don't seem to work.' 'So, what you are saying is that you are leaving me?'
I had a lot of his team come up to me afterwards, praising me for my 'bravery'. And this is another thing I have discussed with my friends over the last few months. At work, I have generally been the one who has questioned or challenged where things have, in my opinion, been wrong. Why should I not be that person at home?
I suppose that, over the last many years, I could have done more 'change management' and got her 'ready' for the separation. But how would I have done that without risking a difficult environment for our son?
'Listen, I am broken, I think the best thing to do is to separate as you are clearly not happy with me and I am not happy either. But let's stick together for the sake of our our son until he finished school in seven years' time.'
Would that have been possible? Perhaps?
Confidant: 69: Things have reached a head - am broken
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