The reaction to my request for a separation has been different from what I had expected. I had anticipated that she had been equally unhappy and disappointed in me. Turns out that, for the moment, she was happy and did not regard me as a complete dufus.
Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)
I was going to write a letter anyway but a couple of conversations prompted me to do so earlier than I had thought:
15 October 2024
My dear M.
You know that I am better on paper than face to face – but,
obviously, I could not say what I did last Sunday in writing. Please allow me
this one-way communication for some thoughts.
My Feelings
I cannot justify or pretend that my asking for a separation
is for anyone else’s perceived benefit than mine. You started to ask me
questions the other day and this morning, so it seems fair to try and explain a
little further.
Not 2015
What I have most struggled with – and, please, again, this
is from my point of view only – is an obvious level of anger through much of
our married life and a sense of unhappiness and need to control.
I remember writing to you way back in Brussels (2000) or speaking
to you in Delhi (2001) about, really, how we had everything, but you would be upset,
nevertheless. There is little point in going over examples or explanations both
before and after the major blow out of 2015 but, and I have shared this with you in the past, I repeatedly
felt belittled, humiliated and would go to bed crying. I felt neither useful
nor a very good person – otherwise how could you speak like that? Yes, much of
that negativity is in my make up as you surmise but, as I mentioned when we spoke, I had
hoped to move into a new environment after marriage.
We never spoke about you directly but your baba and jethi
spoke to me (unprompted) about your family’s (dad's mother's side) ‘world famous anger’. Ultimately, I put it down to DNA.
I am perfectly willing to admit that you are simply unaware
of the effect that your temper has on people – and, again, I have pointed that
out in the past. You would be angry, and then happy and sunny in the next
moment, as if nothing had happened. That is a struggle for me. As you have
stated, I do not like confrontation, you see nothing wrong in it.
In our discussion now, you have said that you have not been
unhappy and that you consider me a nice person. But too much water has flowed
under the bridge for me to consider rowing back – I am sorry. I know that you
will be angry at me for what I have done.
Me (again)
I am perfectly aware that I am not an easy person to live
with. My work colleagues see me as a grumpy type, I have not been a ‘fun’ father,
and I haven’t bought enough presents or been romantic with you. Within those
limitations, and, no doubt, others, I have tried to be a present person and a
helpful one.
Would it have been different with someone else? An
impossible question to answer. There has been no one else before or after you
and there will not be in the future. There would have been other frustrations
no doubt. One of the points I made when in counselling was that I am not an
‘environment maker’. Te or E or T could walk into a room and a dour one
would become a happy one. My behaviour, on the other hand, would be influenced by
the room. So, maybe, I am best alone.
It goes without saying that you are a highly intelligent,
highly functioning adult. You are vivacious, charming, dynamic – and your
friends and colleagues, I am sure, appreciate that. With regard to our
partnership, I have admired those qualities and been proud to have you by my
side; amongst many instances, for example, G and P and K have been
disappointed not to see you when they and I have met. Your influence has
resulted in a more gorgeous and a higher quality of life than the ‘functional
B’ might have gone for – and I am grateful for that.
You chose not to work for a long time but that was your
decision – P benefited of course. I always thought that the lack of work was
causing many of those frustrations and am very happy to see where you are now.
A cliched phrase I know but there is every possibility for
you to ‘lean into’ your abilities and really go for it. And if you find someone
along the way with the same level of dynamism who can give you far more than I
have, that would be fabulous. (my amateur reading of your hand suggests you
will.)
I will always remember Isaac’s description of you as, ‘Isn’t
that P’s mum – she is smiling even when no one is looking.’
Us
We have had some good times I think – even away from our
work as parents. It has, perhaps, not been the ‘first-class’ life, given my earnings,
but I like to think it has not been too bad. As I mention above, you led me to
a better life, and I tried my best to be a supportive husband.
The Future
You are only 51 and I am 55. There is, hopefully, a good
life ahead of us as independent adults. One of the many things I admired about
your parents (and your father in particular I suppose) was that, while
supporting the family, they also focused on themselves and knew how to enjoy
what life could do for them. My parents, on the other hand, narrowed down to
my brother and me (particularly him) and that did not do anyone any favours.
I have spoken about some of that to P. How we will
always be there by his side but, at the same time, he needs his freedom, and we
need our’s. We have this one life; we have worked hard and there is a journey
ahead. Each of us is one in 8 billion and so we have to be wary of
self-importance – none of it really matters other than to create a little bit
of what we enjoy, and that is down to each of us as individuals and not
dependent on others.
I don’t know M. Thank you for reading. I will always be
open to discussing what you may wish to explore. If there is a way of taking
some counselling for all of us to help us through this transition, would be
happy to investigate.
Yours
B.
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