141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000

While clearing out some old papers, found a few letters from the dim and distant past.

Amazingly, they appear to be written by me to my wife all in the space of a couple of weeks in April 2000 - the very first year of our marriage, eight months in.

I had been in Brussels – had negotiated a stay with her there as well when the usual arrangement was to be single and come back to base (UK) every weekend. I had been lobbying for a posting out in India, was on the point of succeeding and had gone out to India with her for a reconnaissance visit. She had stayed back while I returned to Europe.

Letter 1 (10^th April, 2000):

‘I am missing you terribly much my love.’ And then a lot of general news.

Letter 2 (17^th April, 2000)

‘I am missing so very much. When I see you I’m going to squeeze you and squeeze you and kiss you a hundred times in front of whole Heathrow. My love, my love, my love …’

I know I had written a similar letter on Valentine’s Day that same year. This was me genuinely feeling what I was writing and giving of myself completely.

Letter 3 (28^th April, 2000)

‘M., we just spoke on the phone and, frankly, I’m hurt and confused. Words mean a lot to me. Unlike a lot of other people I very rarely let emotion take control of my words. I’m aware that you, like others, have a temper and say things which, possibly, you don’t mean. But I take words for what they mean – ie literally – and so what you said upset me greatly. Sorry if I am over-reacting.'

I then go on to address various accusations of unfairness and meanness – all pointed towards my family and friends. The word ‘hate’ is used. I end with:

‘Why can’t we live within ourselves, secure in who we are and being forgiving of who we see? I never knew the meaning of love until I met you. You are everything to me – if you love me then nothing and no one else matters. But we keep falling out over people – why? I don’t understand. Am I that stupid, that naieve? Does my opinion of other people matter more to you than what I think of you? I go back to my original question – have I been so neglectful of you? Do I need to cut off links with my family?’

This attitudinal issue of control and resentment never changed – though I kept my head down, broke relationships and built distance from those close to me over the next decade and a half. Nothing worked. The issues were the same in 2015.

Though things are far better now after the Magic Turnaround, but how real is it all. And, anyway, I have been broken and I’m staying only for our son.