231: An interesting weekend

 I had mentioned previously about going on (or not) on holiday in December. It was clear that she wanted a long, exotic, family holiday. It was equally clear that our son did not. I was not fussed - resigned to an angry wife, a sulky son or both! Confidant: 227: A Strange week

So we go to Trailfinders to find a holiday. I say to her beforehand that, 'You always say that I should speak. Well, I am telling you that we should not go on a long holiday. Our son does not want to and you would be forcing him. Asking him and then ignoring him is just giving him semblance of choice. Be aware that you are doing this for you.'

'No, we are going.' 

'Ok, well, you say I don't speak. I have given you my opinion. Let's leave it at that.'

There is a trip to Jordan for a price of close to £7000 base.  We have to decide by Sunday 5 pm.

Once again, on Sunday morning, I say that she should think again. That she could go on her own if she is desperate for a break. He would feel that you have listened to him and there would be enough of the Christmas holidays either side of Jordan for her to spend time with him.

Over lunch at the restaurant, she, to be fair, asks him again. He says that he does not want to go as his friends will be back from university. She suggests a trip to Southern Europe. I say that there are plenty of things to do in London. Our son remains adamant that he does not want to go.

Fair play, she says, ok. 'But you can't be stuck in your room. You have to communicate and participate in the family. Take part in Christmas cooking - rather than in 2020 where we just bought ready made stuff from Marks and Spencer.'

(from memory, that was when Covid restrictions were imposed suddenly and we could not go to my brother's house, where we were invited, at the last minute.)

Great that she did not insist on the holiday but what is it with this 'family' thing? She talks with great emotion about festivities in India when she was a child. But the conversation is all around the fun she had with her parents' friends! That is the group she still has the warmest relations with. Several of the next generation - her peers - live in London. Could she not try to recreate that here - as the eldest of her generation. 

Anyway ... I said to my son that this not going on holiday was a big concession and we have to be flexible in return on some of her demands.

'Family' is not an accounting system. We do our best and try to be good - but there is no guarantee of return and we should not expect it. And it is best created through empathy and friendliness and support - not fear and anger.

She has said to me a number of times these last few weeks that I should have fought back and that being rude and angry is part of family life. That just because standards of behaviour at work do not, cannot apply at work. There was line in this article which made me laugh: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/08/how-to-feel-the-spark-and-keep-it-alive-from-first-date-to-50th-anniversary

And it comes in the section titled 'The First Decade' - 'Don’t underestimate the importance of politeness either, Fox Weber says, even if that’s just in how you greet each other: “It’s incredible how rude couples can be to each other, in a way they wouldn’t to strangers or colleagues. This lack of respect masquerades as closeness and becomes an intimacy killer.”'

How many times have I said exactly that!!!???