On a quick review of this blog I cannot find any entries in depth referring to the time - in 2015 - that she wrote to my cousins behind my back about an alleged affair (not true) and a host of other things. Anyway, she did.
Both my cousins let me know and I asked that they respond as if they were replying to a friend. I did not get angry, I did not confront her in any way. I found it strange that she did not write to her own friends or family - I assumed she did it to try to break my close links but it could equally have been a cry for help of some sort.
One of my cousins also told her dad and then I felt compelled to share with my parents, as they would have heard anyway and it was better coming from me. They asked me to share with my brother and sister-in-law and so I did.
'You were talking about us to your parents and your brother in 2015 - do you not think you should have involved me in your discussions?' she asks yesterday evening.
'Well,' I reply, 'my logic was that you had written to my cousins in confidence. I had asked them to respond as if to a friend. I did share that you had written, that we were having issues - but that we would sort it and no one else need get involved. You opened it up, this was the best way to shut it down.'
'Do you not think I should have been involved?' she asks again.
'If I had opened it up, your parents would have got to know I am sure and it would have been a big mess.'
'So, while we were doing up the house and so on, they were just laughing at me for being an idiot - doing that when the marriage was in trouble. People have known for eight years that we will separate and it was only me that found out three weeks ago.'
'No one was laughing. People go through issues and my logic was that there was no need to spread it. And no one knew about separation. All carried on as normal. In any case, with or without my saying it, it was obvious that we were having problems - we left our son with my brother to go to Prague. In any case, no one ever asked me or spoke to me on this subject ever again.'
(Actually, my mother told me to 'just get on with it' and no one did ever speak to me again - something that hurts me from time to time. But we have not been a family to share and that is true of me as well. In the late noughties my brother went through various issues connected with depression and I never really opened up to my sister-in-law or my brother on those at the time. Something I regret. We have spoken of and on since then but not at all deeply.)
We left it at that. I did not say that I did not get angry given the nature of the action. Unlike a mutual friend of our's who, in a similar situation, went and spoke to his in-laws in exasperation, I did not escalate the problems into her family. At some level it could have been humiliating for me to have to say to my parents that I was not having an affair, that my value as a person and a husband was being attacked in every which way. It was painful but not humiliating because I had not had an affair and I knew I was trying my best.
Then, later in the evening, another tangent.
While I did not remember the context, I had asked about a close friend of hers - someone she has known from school. 'Oh, she has basically cut contact with me - except the minimum. She is into veganism and new age and everything.'
'In the evening, I have not spoken about my friend to you these past few years because you would have said that we have sprung apart because of my character. You do not say anything but that is what you think.'
Eh?! 'No, I do not think about your relationship with your friends. That has nothing to do with me.'
And it is true that I do not think about it to any depth and certainly not to interfere in any way. But there are some pertinent points.
I cannot think of a peer friend whom she does not criticise in some way - and not insubstantially. She says I am in 'awe' of my friends - rather that than look down on them, I think.
Even the ones she contacted and confided in re: this separation she has issues with.
I like to think that I have about a dozen close friends - male and female - whom I could contact and share anything with. Her warmest relationships are with her parents' friends - not to confide with but just in terms of depths of feeling.
None of that matters and I did not respond to anything other than to explain my intentions behind my actions. How she behaves with her friends, how things might have turned out if her parents had found out .. all conjecture and useless.
I will continue to respond to challenge but also continue to maintain my reserve? Is there any point to letting rip?
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