123: My Father 2 ... and Lessons

So, what lessons can be learned.

The good bits:

Objectively, I can say that I am closer to my son than he was with me. I asked my elder brother (by 7 years) whether he had been different with him, when he was younger – more cheerful, closer? I did not get a response.

In absolute terms I am probably seen as a worrier but in relative terms, I worry less I am sure.

I am less judgemental of people.

Have more personal friends.

Probably more content.

The bad bits:

No way near as successful as a professional.

Have not helped people anywhere near as much.

Not as clever or hard working.

And  then …

Comes my parents’ relationship. It can’t always have been bad and sometimes, as a youngster, if I came into their room unexpectedly, I can remember them springing away from a hug.

But the overwhelming memory is of my mother being hugely resentful – of marrying into a big joint family, of not having been able to work. This resentment came out in mocking his family and continuously harping on about what she might have been. And lots of ill temper almost all the time and a huge need for control.

He kept his head down for a peaceful life but am pretty confident that at critical junctures he ruled out options – for example, her not working – and so the hurt was both ways for sure.

I do not want to end up there. I do not want years of misery because it is easier to stay than to split. Following his death, my mother is now enjoying the freedom of a lessening of responsibility. If I live as long as 81, I do not want to wait.

I have a duty to my son and life is peaceful anyway. But if there is a lesson, in my parents’ marriage, and those of others, it is surely that the break is better. Perhaps not for all concerned but certainly for the one wanting to get away. I do not want to create an ideological position and it is not something I think about every moment and every day – but the time will come?