61: Huge row - getting worse

One of the reasons I have not mentioned the thrown away cards has been because she is not entirely well right now. It is likely that she is going threw an early menopause. And I do not want to be in any way unfriendly right now. (25 Sep update - she is not, it was a delayed period)

But then she sends me this e-mail and:

In case you want to read or have not googled already - http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/menopause/Pages/Supportyourpartner.aspx

I respond

I had already googled.

I am happy to take on more load - as I have offered for this week-end for example. (Blog note: we have family coming around)

More cooking? Perhaps stock up over the week-end.

Take over washing duties? Happy to do so.

More responsibility for homework? No problem.

Cleaning up in the evening? No issues.

I genuinely want to help ...

I get home and am told that she will, ‘speak to me later.’

So, as we are going to bed, the diatribe starts. It is not about work, it is about acknowledging her. Why had I lied to her about confiding in someone? Why do I not praise her in front of others? The accusation of being obsessed with my friend B.. How the e-mail to B. clearly showed that I was in love. When walking to a restaurant, why was I walking in front of her and not with her? Why did I not share the Facebook update?

I lost my temper and asked her whether she had any idea how she treats me like shit? And I had never reacted until now. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make her happy.

‘Why do you still have that LinkedIn blog up there?’

‘Why not? It’s about work issues.’

‘And you don’t exactly do great work. Aren’t you ashamed that you’ve not had a pay rise for five years? Anyone doing a proper job would not have so much time for friends. People go to work not for friends. Don’t kid yourself that you are in a serious job.’

I said that I have been fortunate in not having to chop and change and met my commitments at home. That is not a sacrifice – that just is. And you are wrong about work – it is entirely about people.

(I didn’t say that I have been earning between £95 - £100k for the last ten years. Not out of this world but ok. And I have combined this with being a dad and a supportive husband. That I have had time for friends because, over time, the colleagues I interacted with daily became friends.)

I continued to say that if you tell people that somehow you are neglected, people will laugh. In terms of holidays and presents … people will laugh.

‘So where is my anniversary present then?’

‘Theatre and expensive dinner wasn’t enough?!’

‘You always object to receiving Christmas presents?’

‘That’s because I spend money on golf and cricket during the year and that is enough. And spending to buy this house, more than £30k on improvements – is that not money? Why is it only me who has to worry about finance. Do you have no contribution.’

I mentioned that she had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law many, many years ago. That, if not her, it would be other friends or relations, anyone who was close. It is just a pattern and I really do not know what to do.

Then she went off on another rant and I walked out of the bedroom.

She came after me as if to hit me, snatched my phone away and threw it across the room. ‘Is this how you show empathy?’

I had to admit that I no longer have the energy to show sympathy. I have to work, I have to earn, I have to survive and I just do not know what to do.