221: If not now, when ...?

So, our son is away at university now and, though still in London, staying away in halls - at least for the first year.

My wife and I are, therefore, on our own. 

And while things have been ok the last few years since the blowouts of 2015 / 16, I continue to feel that I have to leave this relationship.

But how to address and approach? How is she feeling right now about 'us'? 

She is quite enthused about my current assignment which has taken me to Dublin now and again - 'working abroad will be good for you?' Is that a suggestion that she is thinking along the same lines - that we would be better apart? Or that - empathetically - she senses some of my frustration and genuinely wants me to have some time of my own.

There are three reasons to stay in the current unconvincing arrangement. (1) because it is easier to do so and removes much angst - but does it? Is she perhaps feeling the same frustrations and is unable to say anything for the same reasons? (2) that I have a 'duty' to stay which combines with (3) that she would be unable to cope without me.

For '2', I did not force the issue for the last many years because I could not countenance a life without our son. I stayed not because of him but because of me. And '3' would appear patronising as she is an intelligent, highly functioning adult doing a job she enjoys. I really bring nothing to her - other than being a relatively good driver! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My fear, you see, is that we will end up pretty much where my parents did. There is no doubt that I am grumpy and a bit of an Eyeore and there is equally no doubt that she is angry and judgemental. So, at age 87 or 88, my father, 'Then, one year (2015 I think) he told me that I was the only one he could confide in – that he was being treated ‘like a servant in his own home'. My mother was and is not an easy woman and their's was a harsh relationship from the outside – with mutual anger and recriminations that came out more and more over the years. I told him that I was in the same boat and that it was our lot in life to put one step in front of the other and carry on!'

And, as stated in her autobiography, my mother was resentful and angry till the end.

What a waste of lives it would be to end up like that - however long or short the road ahead may be.

As the agony aunt (Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)) wrote to me:

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time. 

At the very least, we need to have the conversation that I have postponed since 2016 - preferring some sort of stasis to protect our son's environment than bring unpleasantness to a head. Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)