A couple of weeks ago I had written to my son to say how much he had meant to me through the years and the how much I loved him. It was a heartfelt note - a first draft included a passage about his mother and me and her anger but, thankfully, that was not the one I sent.
From her letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - my wife was questioning about what I had actually said to our son. So, I shared the one below with her to try and allay her suspicions.
04 October 2024
Dear P
I am better on paper than face to face and wanted to put
down some thoughts too. Hope you don’t mind. I do not want to mystify you or
embarrass myself but I felt it important to write!
Context
You see, I grew up in a closed household where I did not
share thoughts or questions much – if at all – for fear of being shut down or
given unwanted advice. You may say that your childhood has been the same and I
am truly sorry if that has been the case – but I have tried to be open, while
respecting your boundaries if you didn’t want or feel the need to share.
From the age of 17/18, I relied on my cousin to be my confidant
and, while it took me a little time, over the decades I have also opened up to
my friends. We are always here but, as I have mentioned to you before, adults
do not have the answers, we are making it up as we go along. I do not usually
give advice, but I suppose we have seen more ‘patterns’, which could be
helpful.
I attach the most influential letter that I ever received –
from a teacher at school, when I was 18. I have tried to live up to those
ideals of openness and I share it with you as something to consider. You are stoic and
self-contained, you do not create drama – I was the same – and there is nothing
wrong with any of that; just learn to be fair to yourself and do not be afraid
to use others for support.
You
As you know, you have been a most important aspect of my
life. You have been everything that I / we could have ever wanted, and I shall
be eternally grateful that you have been part of my life’s journey.
An interview with Christopher Ecclestone resonates, when he
talked about his kids:
-
What does love feel like? ‘like the
rhythm of nature’
My favourite moment of the day would be my coming home from
work and you rushing to me from somewhere in the house. And then our stories as
you went up to sleep.
Your behaviour has also influenced my behaviour – the story
I share involving you arrives about half way through the video.
We clashed once on Latin but I admired your strength of mind
– and I would not have said ‘I told you so’ if Geography had not worked
out!
I have tried my best to be a good father, P, as much as
my character and circumstances have allowed me. But that was my job, and I do
not write the previous sentence with any implication of ‘gratitude’ from you.
My desire and hope were to be a present, supportive and loving dad – though I
always knew I would struggle with ‘fun’ – and that ambition does not go away as
you move into the world.
From my side
I do not want to lay anything on you about my worries and
concerns right now as that would not be fair – and this letter is one way. But,
hopefully, over the time to come, with a beer or a whisky or gin, lime and soda
in hand, we will have time to chat. But you are always free to ask me any
questions you want – about me, life, jobs.
We are both in new phases are we not? I think my parents always
expected more of my brother and me than was strictly fair and their lives continued to
revolve around us which, in turn, placed us under pressure.
I / we should not make the same mistake – while always
knowing that we remain at your side.
Advice
I leave it to others more successful and confident to
provide life advice:
Tim Minchin and Wear
Sunscreen
Along the lines of the latter, continue to have greens and
clean the toilet regularly! And make friends, ask questions, move with
confidence, look after yourself and build confidants!
Back to you
Thank you, Poppi, for what you have given me and for being
who you are. I would go through a thousand lifetimes to come back to those
moments when you awoke, with me next to you, and you would give me that wide
open smile.
I wish you luck in your new life. From Joseph Conrad:
‘Only the young have such moments. I don't mean the very
young. No. The very young have, properly speaking, no moments. It is the
privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days in all the beautiful
continuity of hope which knows no pauses and no introspection.
‘One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness
- and enters an enchanted garden. Its very shades glow with promise. Every turn
of the path has its seduction. And it isn't because it is an undiscovered
country. One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way. It is
the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or
personal sensation - a bit of one's own.
‘One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the
predecessors, excited, amused, taking the hard luck and the good luck together
- the kicks and the half-pence, as the saying is - the picturesque common lot
that holds so many possibilities for the deserving or perhaps for the lucky.
Yes. One goes on. And the time, too, goes on - till one perceives ahead a
shadow-line warning one that the region of early youth, too, must be left
behind.’
It will, I hope, be a wonderful time you are entering – one
that will have its troubles as all phases do. But in good times or bad,
remember that I / we are here and will do the best we can. If I have been ‘ok’
so far, let us build on that in future years and if I have not, give me a
chance to improve.
With love always
Baba
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