Been an interesting couple of sessions.
I stated at the beginning of the first that my objective was to find a way to transition from now to there - the separated state. That is also what I said to her when we had a conversation some weeks ago. Confidant: 226: I've been a bully ... and are you gay? (adult themed content!!)
I am blanking out most of what was said at the first session as it has all been said before. She went over again how she had been bullying towards me. That I did all the work. And I responded as I had before - which was to say that all that made her anger and unhappiness all the stranger. We then went out together for dinner.
I was away then through the week for work and, given that it was a nice conversation and we exchanged notes in the week, I genuinely had some thought about whether I was just being silly in trying to separate.
We had ended the first session saying that we would examine her 'anger'.
She had clearly been thinking about this and all sorts of incidents came out. From towels my cousin had desecrated to sarcastic comments my brother and sister-in-law had made. This went on for about 15 minutes and I listened.
I referred back to what I remembered of - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) - and said that that was me. I try to look at the big picture and let go of what I consider to be the smaller slights. These date from 2000 - in the first year of our marriage.
‘Why can’t we live within ourselves, secure in who we are and being forgiving of who we see? I never knew the meaning of love until I met you. You are everything to me – if you love me then nothing and no one else matters. But we keep falling out over people – why? I don’t understand. Am I that stupid, that naieve? Does my opinion of other people matter more to you than what I think of you? I go back to my original question – have I been so neglectful of you? Do I need to cut off links with my family?’
'Am I allowed to criticize? Just as I hope you will work on me so I hope you will allow me to work on you. [Remember, this was written 20 years ago - in much younger days.] All I would ask is that you be a little more forgiving of others and live by looser rules than you do. You have often berated me for what I believe are, ultimately, some of my strong points - and I've been similarly criticised in the past by my family; I was hoping to get a more sympathetic hearing from you! Yes, I am willing to ring when others have not rung me. Yes, I am willing to overlook slights. Yes, I am willing to go out of my way. As a result I have a strong set of friends and a family which thinks reasonably of me. None of us is perfect but we do think ourselves to be, then we judge others, find that they are not and that's when the trouble starts.
'Life is good. I can confidently say that, amongst my family and my friends and your family and friends, there is not one person who would wish us anything other than the best - let's enjoy that. Let's have an easy life.'
So, all those resentments and anger still remain. I said that maybe our values are just different. And this second session convinced me even more there is no way back. I cannot live by trying to second guess. Enough.
In the first session (22/11) she said that her poor behaviour was down to her brother being diagnosed with schizophrenia and the stresses that her family had been put under. In this session her anger was due to my family (whom we lived on different continents from for the first four years of our marriage and then met perhaps three or four times a year) and how they did not value her.
I pointed out that her own father and mother and aunt had mentioned her anger. I said how in Confidant: 102 - Antonyms and Synonyms, our then 11 year old son had referenced her anger. How, when Strom Desmond came - Confidant: 84 - Little Things that Amuse and Sadden - the exchange went, 'If you don't behave, Storm Desmond will blow you away,' she says one evening to our son. 'No, it will blow you away and dad and I will live happily every after.'
Out of the mouths of babes and all that.
No comments:
Post a Comment