Do you know what I am struggling with, the most?
For all sorts of reasons I have never considered myself to
be particularly good at anything. When I was made redundant from a large
organisation I lost a huge amount of confidence but discovered early in my
career that loyalty runs only one way.
I remember being in an airport lounge
once and determining, or, rather, hoping that when my time came with a child or
children that I would not be an absent father. As chance would have it, work
allowed me to be a fully supportive father and husband. My priority was home, I
was never one whose importance or self-esteem was tied up at work. My reward
was my time with my son and, now and then, my wife.
Now, that time is being
thrown back at me. ‘Are you a Head of .. like before or just a Manager?’ ‘What
about your friends?’ ‘How old is your boss?’
I know that trains and power stations will be built without
me, that the organisation will survive if I do not strive fully. But what I
thought was in my hands, where I could make a real contribution, one that might
even leave some positive memories, would be at home.
And have I provided such a
bad life really – despite being a failure? I am finding it really difficult to
concentrate at work, suddenly to give importance to and be serious about issues
that really are trivial in my eyes and utterly boring. But concentrate I must
so I can create the environment and situation which will allow me to escape.
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