107 - Looking Back - a year that was

Well, that was a year.

On December 20 last year – my birthday – in  a fit of anger and (uninformed) jealousy, she burst out and asked for a divorce. Am Broken

I said that that this was unaffordable. But I moved out of our shared room, did my own washing and cooking. This remained the case till the middle of June.

I went and undertook some Counselling which was helpful without being revelatory.

But my story and emotions are, of course, very common.

Then, in the summer, came a dramatic turnaround.

And we are pretty much in that same situation now. There are some glimpses of the old person but, overall, the relationships between her and me and her and our son are tidy and much improved. Drama is less, humour is more.

Am I convinced that a person can change just-like-that? No.

Have we had The Conversation as to where we go from here? No.

I had lunch the other day with a friend of mine – she had been the first person I had shared my troubles - way back in 2011.

I described what had happened over the last year and that things were better. ‘But you don’t sound as if you love her or like her.’

The point possibly is that I do not and I see no point to having that conversation – or, rather, initiating that conversation. This is ‘work’ now and I will try and do what is necessary for the sake of our son.

I can’t remember which day it was but it was recently and I was hugging our son – and I just felt an overwhelming love and attachment. I have written before about how I draw strength from him and that was how I felt. (October 2019 note - 'the rhythm of nature')

I also remember a Valentine’s Letter (July 2019 Note - old letters) I wrote to my wife right at the beginning of our marriage and another letter – in about the same time period – that I wrote while travelling for work. I spoke about what she had given me, the love that I felt. I threw myself into the relationship but soon came the demands, the anger, the never-good-enough and I just put my head down and worked; am still doing so but on more equal terms.

My cousin, my friends believe I should not give up on the hope that this closeness and mutual support and overwhelming love can happen with a partner as well as a child. I have no doubt it can and I have seen it amongst those whom I love. But I am content to survive and should I achieve freedom at some point, friendship and companionship I will be able to handle but mutual dependence is something I will be petrified of for fear of failing and hurting myself and another.

106 - Glimpses

There are occasional glimpses of the old personality – as a I wrote in Regression and Return

Last year, I put aside identical amounts as Christmas and birthday presents for her and me. £600.

This year, I suggested that we go together for her Christmas present and the balance of £600 we would simply transfer into her account. So, we had a pleasant morning and lunch, she chose something and decided that she would order it online and have it delivered. About a week later and only a couple of days before Christmas, she says, ‘I haven’t ordered that leather jacket yet. I was expecting you to remind me.’ I did not react.

If am looking at something on my phone, she finds an excuse to come around and glance over my shoulder. In the dog days between Christmas and New Year when there’s hardly anyone in, she finds an excuse to ring me in the office when she never does otherwise – presumably checking whether I really am at work. She has not ‘caught me’ at anything because there is nothing to catch.

During our winter holiday to Spain there were attempts at control on what I might wear and in front of our son – what she was saying was perfectly sensible but I could not give in in front of the kid and she gave in without losing it.

Lately, she has been very helpful to my cousin who recently had a baby. So, by way of thank you, I bought her a box of posh chocolates. ‘Oh, why have you done that? The box says, ‘with thanks’. Thanks for what?’ A weird reaction. ‘Thank you for helping my cousin.’ And left it at that.

 Has she really changed? Can someone change so dramatically? I still exchange e-mails and texts – social and professional - with the friends that she might suggest I have a soft spot for but I am careful to delete them. Will it just take one of those – harmless though it will be – to take her back to her old place? Is she just bottling everything up?


But there are also improvements. The other evening I had gone to bed before her and our son. He snuggled up to me as he was about to go to bed and, when asked by her, said that he wanted to stay with me. She gave us both a kiss and went to sleep in his bed. In a previous incarnation I would have expected great anger and an insistence on him going back to his bed.

105 - Regression and Return

Well, that was a strange week.

It did not begin well. There was certainly something wrong but I could not figure out what?

On the Sunday we had gone to visit my new nephew. My cousin – the mother – liked a handbag that my wife had bought (on a discount) and asked my wife to get it for her and that she would pay her back.

While walking back to the car, my wife asked me whether we should give my cousin the handbag as a gift? My response was that she (my wife) had suggested a certain amount of money for gifts for the child and so, that would be fine as we were still within budget.

A week later, I now realise that that was probably the wrong answer. Because there was immediately a coldness and something wrong with the mood. A day later  she mentioned that she could not find the bag any more but that my cousin’s husband would buy it for her at full price. But then, perhaps he would buy her something more extravagant like a diamond ring as another husband was known to have done for his wife on the birth of their baby.

This was a direct reference to the – probable – fact that I had not bought anything specific for my wife when she gave birth. Rightly or wrongly, occasion related presents have not been ‘me’ but there have been lots of presents and holidays and spending over the years. What I should have said was, ‘No, she can pay you back; our budget is for the baby.’

(we happened to be watching a baby DVD the other evening and  in it I say, ‘Oh, look, mum’s first cooking for four and a half weeks.’ So, I guess, I would have been doing all the cooking and everything for a month as we had no parents nearby. And then many weeks more and night feeds and much, much more. Not a compensation for a diamond ring but something?)

With Christmas coming up, on the Tuesday I was walking past a shop and saw a cheap  Pokemon rucksack which I know our son will enjoy. I texted a picture to her. Immediately she called back.

‘No, you will not buy that. It is totally chav (trash). He will NOT be taking that anywhere. You might as well buy something from SportsDirect as a gift. How could you? If you want to buy a rucksack then it should be Superdry or another good brand. It is rubbish.’

I did not react. I simply said, ‘Ok. I will return it.’ It was The Voice and Attitude that I had become accustomed to.

A few hours later, presumably having calmed down, she texted to say that I should not return it to the shop.

Over the week, the behaviour improved.

My cousin requested her help in bathing the baby – something they were struggling with as new parents – and my wife, in addition, offered to cook food and take it over. As this was a ‘special project’ and she loves special projects that will show her in a good light, she did a significant amount of work in cooking and travelling over and helping. I offered to do everything but this was declined.

I have thanked her and will buy her some chocolates tomorrow. I have also booked a very expensive restaurant for her birthday in early January and have offered to go Christmas shopping with her tomorrow.

104 - A Common Story again - link to newspaper article

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/nov/26/how-to-tell-heading-divorce-sex-appreciate-partner-criticism-relationship

A really interesting article on 7 ways to tell if you’re heading for divorce – was in the newspaper very prominently and I wonder if she read it.

Not having enough sex. Unless there’s an underlying psychosexual or medical reason, a lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper relationship problem rather than the issue itself. (ok, so we haven’t since August 2015 and nothing happens the few times we have tried since the summer. She has never been keen anyway – generally after sex the remark has been, ‘satisfied now? Can I go back to sleep?’ I have to say I am not particularly bothered – if the mental / emotional connection is not there – and, for me, it is still not - then the rest is just going through the motions.)

Spending time together. Date nights are not necessary unless you want them to be. But not having them does not mean your relationship is doomed. However, if we replace “date nights” with “spending time together”, that is important. It can be going for a walk, watching a film or cooking together. (Over the last few months this has improved – perhaps better than before. I am getting home earlier, I am being ‘allowed’ to cook again, we spend time in the kitchen, have gone out to films and meals – a level of friendliness which is good. Less temper displayed and less lecturing and criticism. Her relationship with our son also seems to have improved.)

Appreciation and gratitude. These are really important and if they go (or were never there in the first place) this can start to lead to one of the four bigger warning signs below. It’s not about the grand gesture, but small, everyday signs of appreciation. Saying, “I really appreciate how hard you are working for the family,” or even just doing things like making someone a cup of tea. (This is just the hubbub of everyday life though I am not sure we have ever said, ‘I really appreciate …’ – I make her coffee in the morning before going to work for example and, recently, she has been making me orange juice.)

However, in couples therapy there are the Gottman Institute’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” signs, which are good to know about and look for. These are warning signs that we would look for in therapy that may signal a relationship where the problems go a little deeper and is in trouble, unless the couple are prepared to recognise and work on these areas.

Criticism. If you or your partner criticise each other habitually, you are attacking their personality. Over time, this will breed resentment. If one person is constantly criticising the other partner this can become a huge problem. (As this blog make clear, this has been a HUGE issue – both for me and our son. It is much improved but I wonder if everything is just being held in. But, in the past, the carping has been continuous and vicious.)

Contempt. This is the hardest to work with but not impossible as long as it’s named, recognised and both of you are prepared to work on it. But if one consistently looks down on their partner, is dismissive, constantly rolling their eyes at what the other says, mocks them, is sarcastic (and not in jest) or sneers at their partner, then they are seeing them as “less than”. Contempt can closely follow behind loss of respect. (‘don’t kid yourself that you could have got a job elsewhere’, ‘are you a Head of .. or just a Manager’, ‘should have told me you are impotent’, ‘hope your friend dies’, continuous diminishing of almost everything that I did while at the same time wanting great appreciation of everything that she did.)

Defensiveness. If you can’t talk to one another because one or both of you are defensive, this can be a problem. Communication is key to working on any relationship problem – without that you can’t get anywhere. Defensiveness can lead to “blame tennis” where each person is just lashing out in defence: “You did this.” “Yes, but you did this.” (we never really played blame tennis as I never attacked and rarely defended myself – I tried to be accommodating enough to try and find a way out.’)

Stonewalling. This is when one person retreats, won’t talk, and will block the other person. It usually happens if the person stonewalling doesn’t want to hear what’s being said, either because they are afraid of it or can’t deal with it, or both. This can result in the person being stonewalled desperately trying to talk to the other; they may even try to trigger a row to get the stonewaller to react and talk. (did I stonewall over a period of time because I did not react to what I considered to be significant provocations? Possibly. From my side, I was afraid of reactions and if I did face silence, that was good – it meant there was some peace!!)

Comments from readers below-the-line were really very interesting and shows how common my story is:

Well those four horsemen have been a constant in my marriage for over half a century. They only finally cantered off when security was guaranteed and experience coped with any worries. Following the advice of all those TV therapists to know what the other was thinking and doing through 'talking', was well and truly ditched when revealed as a posh form of nagging. Silence in its place is golden.

Contempt is always a show-stopper. If it manages to creep into a relationship -and not just a romantic one- it will surface over and over again on the tiniest opportunity despite the best of intentions. I believe it is impossible -baring extraordinary circumstances- to make a person that has felt contempt for you even once forget the experience and not feel it again anytime you do something even slightly out of their taste. It is like broken glass or crumpled paper; it will never be perfect again.

Stonewalling may be the result of an over-persistent partner that refuses to put themselves in your shoes and give you any leeway whatsoever as they invoke everything from social norms to their "feelings" to convince you that you are indeed an elephant. After a point it is the only way to keep some semblance of self-respect (it is unbearable to have to accept that you are always wrong) or even sanity in extreme cases.

What about the feeling of happiness when she decides to go out for the day and leave me to myself.

I also have a "controlling and abusive" partner. If she was a well balanced person I might just consider leaving him (their child) with her - of course if she was well balanced I would have no reason to leave. But neither would I risk leaving him with a controlling abusive person. People like this need to control and abuse - and if you are not the target he might be.

Stay together for the kids. Which is what my parents did and I'm so grateful for it.

If they can just cooperate as friends living in the same house then fine. If there are fights or stress and tensions in the household (even if hidden) then the children will suffer for it and a separation may be far better. I've seen healthy separations from the children's point of view. They just need to clearly understand the new arrangement and how it will work from their point of view, and to feel that they still have security and that there will always be someone there for them as they grow up.

One of the difficulties with marriage is the number of different functions it is expected to perform. Marriage as source of personal emotional and sexual fulfilment isn't the same as marriage as stable environment for loving and raising children. I think the latter can be possible even if the former fades, providing the husband and wife make it their priority. This would of course mean maintaining mutual respect and willing cooperation.

Every family is different. I know those who have divorced and regretted it, others who have no doubts that becoming a single parent was the right route to take.

Very well said. The stay together for the kids or to keep the family together line- sometimes seems more about self deception, or possibly selfishly deflecting away from the possibility of change. And as you say kids always know when their parents are just existing with each other or are unhappy. Sadly, I suspect some kids whose parents use them as a way to hide away from facing things as they are, will grow up and be more vulnerable to putting up with problems instead of tackling them as they arise.

If you ARE having kids - have 'em when you're in your twenties - preferably early twenties. You'll still be (to a 50 y.o.) young when they've left home,  and you'll have the energy to deal with all the challenges, and the flexibility to roll with the punches. And once you HAVE kids - commit to it, read up on it, do everything you can to give those kids a happy childhood: nothing is more important than that, even your own so-called happiness. Any problems you have with your partner are just gonna have to wait (beyond abuse, of course).

Stonewalling - my experience is that this is usually caused by one person feeling that dialogue does not work - not because they are afraid or don't want to hear what is being said but because repeatedly their past dialogue and discussion is ignored or not taken on board so they end up shutting up shop because there's clearly no point continuing to communicate with someone who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. They then get blamed for stonewalling when the issue is actually more complex than it first seems.

 What a vexed world we live in ….

103 - Memories - and what kept me going

One of my cousins gave birth to a little boy earlier this week.
We went to see him the day after he was born.
The excitement the baby engendered in me took me back to when our son was born. While the home situation is much improved now and life is calm, it must be that it was our son that kept me going in the dark days.

I hugged my son when we got home, as I do every night, and told him he was my hero and my life – as I do every night.

And I know it sounds silly but in hugging him, I seem to draw strength.

102 - Antonyms and Synonyms

My English Grammar is rather weak but our son was doing his homework.


Antonyms are apparently words that mean the same things; synonyms, the opposite.


There was some word to which I responded, the synonym could be ''funny', like your dad.'


And the antonym? ''Angry, like mum,' he responded instantly.

101 - Peaceful but boundaries ...

Wow - this could be my story until recently - albeit a one-sided view and a perhaps an overstated first paragraph!


https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/08/a-letter-to-my-wife-for-whom-i-no-longer-seem-to-exist


'At one stage, I was asked what I wanted most from you. I said I simply wanted kindness.' How resonant a sentence that is ...


Still good and we have been going to places together. Pleasant enough at home.


One thing I wanted to do was take some money from our joint account which is where my salary lands and distribute EQUAL amounts to a bank account for me and one for her; I had to open one especially as I did not have one.


I said that despite the more peaceful relationship, I would like to start this and then maintain - this I have done.


She has agreed that the new schools that she had envisaged for our son are not practical. Another parent told her that the commute was just too much - a point I had made repeatedly. But it took another to convince her. That's ok.


I have not approached her about how she spoke to my cousins behind my back or checked phones or threw away mementoes - letting those pass.


How do I feel? would be a question posed by my counsellor.


I am not sure I know.


I cannot say I love my wife - I have tried that, being vulnerable, and been kicked in the teeth and balls. On the couple of occasions we have tried, ejaculation has not happened - so, clearly, there is something psychological there. I do not believe that I will be able to trust any more - but, then, I never believed that we would get to this point?


So, it is wait and see.

100: Why the Turnaround?

A century of posts - something of a milestone, I guess ...


So, why this dramatic turnaround.


She, herself, called this a Buddha under the Bodhi tree moment - I had termed it a Damascene conversion.


There was an offer from our internet provider to create a little booklet of photographs. She asked me to make a little one up for our boy from his baby photographs - apparently he had been talking about this offer and looking at photographs from his childhood. She wanted me to make it a surprise.


So, I did and left it on his bed one morning. I saw him calmly put it on his mother's bedside table - she and I were still in separate rooms at the time. He did not appear excited.


I was going away for my annual golf week-end and asked my wife to try and find out if everything was ok.


I came back and she said all was good and that I would find out everything the following week-end - which happened to be Father's Day.


So, on the following Saturday, we have had our rapprochement and I am back in our room. Our son bounds onto the bed on the Sunday morning and he is clearly delighted with everything. He then hands me a little booklet - another one with photographs, addressed 'To Dad' and with pictures of him as a baby or him and me together.


Now, I had struggled to get him to sign a card for Mother's Day. Here he was taking the time to create a little book for me and getting his mum to order it for Father's Day.


In the evening he says to me, 'That book was my idea and there are no pictures of mum inside.'


'I know,' I reply. 'You are very brave and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.'


Was it that one moment which lit a light bulb? Did she see that she might lose her child as well as her husband?


The truth is, I don't know. Perhaps this was it, perhaps this was a trigger and a whole host of other assumptions and accusations came tumbling down. Again I do not know.


The point is, we now have a peaceful relationship, she and he are better and he can see that she and I are better.


How long will it last?

99 – A Dramatic Turnaround

It is now September but let’s go back to the beginning of June. Things have been civil, I am doing my own food, washing etc. and sleeping in another room.

I go away for a week-end of golf with my friends – our 18^th year!!

I receive a text on the Sunday that she will pick me up from the station on my return. I ask her not to bother – she insists and so I say ‘ok’.

Very pleasant.

Another week passes – nothing dramatic.

Coming up to Father’s Day and I am taking our son and two of his mates to a gorilla sanctuary where we will be given a behind-the-scenes tour thanks to one of my friends.

On the Saturday night she comes into my room and says, ‘Look, I’ve been thinking hard. And I have come to the conclusion that all of it is my fault. I have been pushing you and pushing you and I have not been reasonable.

‘I know it will not be easy to forgive and forget but come back to the room, eat with us and try.’

She repeats all of this the next evening. As you may imagine, this is late at night, I am working, and I am shocked. All I can say is ‘thank you’ and ‘I need to think about it.’ Even the next day, having had to go into work early, feeling that I need to acknowledge the issue in some way, all I can write is, ‘Dear M, thank you for what you said yesterday evening. It was a bit of a shock and, clearly, we do need to speak about it. But, can you give me some time? I am also undertaking counselling at the moment – on a 1:1 – and need to think this through.’

Her response:

‘Sorry for shocking you last night.  Honestly I meant every word I said and I have thought it through.  I understand you will need the time so there is no hurry...’

Me: ‘shocking’ in a good way …!

Her: ha ha..  take your time..  I will be there..

The pleasantness has continued. She spoke to one of her friend’s mum who is an amateur astrologer and told me that she had said that her ‘best connection’ was with me. She is far better behaved with our son, everything pleasant at home for the moment. She applied for a couple of jobs but has not yet been successful; she is, though, starting a volunteering role.

Have I gone back to her and told her what I am thinking?

I am sorry to say, I have not. Perhaps that is because I am still confused. Perhaps it is because I do not want to take a position and be too ‘clean’ in responding.

We have tried to get back to ‘normal.’ Planning holidays together. Even tried to make love but, how can I put it, despite trying, I have not reached climax. Is there still a hang-up there?

I think I know how I feel but that is for another post.

Some sort of stasis – how long?

98 - Songs and Other Entries

Haven’t written in a while and there is a reason for this – which is in the next post.

But our story is clearly not an uncommon one. As we were in the midst of our terrible times, this song - Love Yourself – by Justin Bieber kept coming on the radio. Never thought I would be a Belieber!!

Lately, this song by Drake - Too Good for You

Is my wife in this place? Taking me for granted

And do I feel like this? Sharing the Load

97: Counselling Sessions - 2

I was advising a good friend of mine to try for some counselling sessions as mine have been helping me.


As I wrote earlier - http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/94-counselling-sessions.html - there has been nothing revelatory. I think about things and work my way through issues and have had an answer for most questions posed.


But, the other day, one bit hit me - a little self-glorifying though it will sound.


We were  talking about the circles radiating out from 'the Self' and who I rely on. Mainly that is me. But I mentioned that, in my perception, it is amongst my closest friends that I feel liked and loved simply for being 'me.' Everywhere else, it can feel as if my value is tied to what I do and provide.


And then she said, 'But what about you? Do you like yourself simply for being 'you'? Or do you feel you have do things to be seen positively in your eyes? Score runs when playing cricket, deliver better than others at work ... can you give yourself a break?'


Can I? Should I?

96: Champagne and Handshakes

Had a very nice evening out last week with a good friend S. – a male, a male, not a female!!!

Dinner mainly consisted of a succession of glasses of champagne. Lovely.

He divorced from his first wife a few years ago and there were startling parallels. She came from a ‘grand family’, she got a good degree from a well known university, then an MBA from an international university. They spent a few years internationally and when they came back to the UK expected to walk into a senior role – which she did not.

Anyway, he did some counselling which he found helpful. In fact they did joint counselling and the counsellor came to the conclusion that the gap was too great. One of the first steps they took was to live in separate rooms. Which is where we are now.

They did not have children and so, could separate easily. The reason I cannot is of course my greatest blessing – our son.

‘It does get better,’ S. asserted. ‘And, if you ever want to talk, I’m here …’

London – where we live – has a new Mayor. He was supposed to visit our organisation last week and I was in the delegation to meet him and shake his hand.

Other friends joked about it and said, ‘wow!’

She asked a series of questions: how many people are meeting him? Are you just in a long line? Bit like the Queen? Not exactly useful …

Of course it would be ‘just a handshake’ but good to be nominated as one of 20 out of 2000 and, at the least, why be negative about it?

95 - Funny (but sad) Little Reminders and Incidents

This will be really petty but things have been a little heavy of late.

Preparing some bagel with cream cheese and salmon for our son. ‘Mama makes it better than you,’ says our son. ‘Fair enough,’ I respond,’but mama is busy, so why don’t you help me to get it right?’ And I made no more of it.

A little while later, She decides to make a point of this.

‘So, I make bagel and salmon better than your dad?’ she asks, looking triumphantly at me. ‘Yes,’ he responds, ‘but (without any prompting from me by way of words or looks), dad makes better bacon sandwiches, Bolognese, chicken …’

I do not respond or react but his response was interesting in that he appeared to be defending me.

She and our son have this very frequent homework drama. She is busy doing something else when he is doing his homework, doesn’t really help him, then corrects late in the evening and ritual drama ensues around, ‘you must take more care, look how long I am having to work because of you etc.’

I would probably let him make his careless mistakes so his teacher could correct them and he would soon learn; now, he knows his mum will correct him. Or, as I usually do when I sit down with him, correct as we go along as I am focusing on him and his work.

So, anyway, he and I work through a work-sheet on Sunday morning and she sits down to correct on Sunday evening. She does notice one mistake I had missed but there are several others in another sheet.

‘Look, I thought you and baba had corrected these sheets but I am finding lots of mistakes. And my show is starting on TV. If I had known you had not, I would have done this earlier.’ (No, she would not have – history attests to that!)

My son and I are both compelled to point out that the sheet with several mistakes was completed under her supervision. There is a half-hearted attempt at laying the blame with, ‘I thought you would check it.’ But she does not pursue that, knowing she was in the wrong.

This continuous need to be correct, better than another rather than oneself, to search for blame … how is that the natural state?

94: Counselling Sessions

So, I’ve been going to counselling sessions for a few weeks now. Nothing revelatory really but emerging is a picture of myself and my life that is repetitive; somewhat alone, withdrawn, feeling not good enough but self-reliant and finding positive reinforcement in a close group and trying to do my best.

It is true that behind this bland exterior, I do commit to things – whether they be friends, family, work or even a childhood hero. And from a young age I have been ‘warned’ about this; ‘you’re getting too close to X.’ Similarly, more recently I have been told that I go overboard, including the childhood (sporting) hero!

It did hurt terribly when my previous employer – with whom I had started as a student and performed well – promised me a global role and then took it away again – thus changing my life and my having to start again.

I have subsequently ‘invested’ heavily in trying to be a good husband and a good dad. That is now being thrown back in my face as I write in 92 - Struggling and Tired . There is a deep sadness in this, just as there was in being made redundant, and the betrayal  that I feel leaves a hole.

But, actually, what is the point in doing otherwise? Of never committing for fear of being rebuffed? Yes, it makes one vulnerable but to half-commit and be polite is to live a half life – perhaps as I am doing now.

The counsellor mentioned that perhaps I was committing a huge amount to my son and that I would have to cope with him moving away. And I was thinking about this on the train into work after the session. Bit of a tangent but a sports writer called Simon Barnes wrote an article once about how boxing should be banned. He countered the arguments which stated that sportsmen also get hurt in other sports by saying that the deaths in them were accidents whereas the very aim of boxing was to render hurt.

In the same way, perhaps we invest in work, friends, family sometimes to draw them close and get love and support in return but sometimes to help them move away. At a mundane level, many of my old team developed professionally and grew out to bigger roles – that is a good thing; I had no wish to bind them to me. Similarly, the whole objective for our son is that he grows up to be a confident and kind young man who goes out with desire, ability and support.

With our nearest we should feel secure and loved and trusted – I do not, and there is no blame in this really. Perhaps I am a rubbish person but I cannot be any better.  For my son, I hope I shall retain his love always, that he will remember me as a positive influence and that I can always be the trampoline on which he can depend.

93: A Common Story

 True words from several people on a newspaper article - http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/26/how-to-heal-your-family-from-petty-resentments-to-affairs - that seem to tell of a common story.

92 - Struggling and Tired

Do you know what I am struggling with, the most?

For all sorts of reasons I have never considered myself to be particularly good at anything. When I was made redundant from a large organisation I lost a huge amount of confidence but discovered early in my career that loyalty runs only one way.

I remember being in an airport lounge once and determining, or, rather, hoping that when my time came with a child or children that I would not be an absent father. As chance would have it, work allowed me to be a fully supportive father and husband. My priority was home, I was never one whose importance or self-esteem was tied up at work. My reward was my time with my son and, now and then, my wife.

Now, that time is being thrown back at me. ‘Are you a Head of .. like before or just a Manager?’ ‘What about your friends?’ ‘How old is your boss?’

I know that trains and power stations will be built without me, that the organisation will survive if I do not strive fully. But what I thought was in my hands, where I could make a real contribution, one that might even leave some positive memories, would be at home.

And have I provided such a bad life really – despite being a failure? I am finding it really difficult to concentrate at work, suddenly to give importance to and be serious about issues that really are trivial in my eyes and utterly boring. But concentrate I must so I can create the environment and situation which will allow me to escape.

91 - Bollocks to it all

Been a hard few days – mainly out of frustration rather than direct confrontation.

It began with some friends who were due to come to stay for the week-end. Clearly, I needed to move out of the guest room. ‘I’ll clean it,’ she said. ‘That’s ok, I will,’ I replied. It then transpired that the room had not been cleaned / vacuumed since December. I had noticed dust but assumed that on lax work by the cleaner that we have – not as if M. actually does the work. Is that reasonable behaviour given that she does not pay in any way separately for the cleaner.

Over the last several months, perhaps out of some insecurity or maybe just coincidence, our son, though 10, has asked for a story every evening. Nothing special, just little snippets around Star Wars or football. Yesterday evening, without consulting with me beforehand, she said, ‘No more stories, you are not a two year old – go to bed.’ I did not protest. Our son said I could tell a story secretly but I said that we could not lie – though maybe stories just on the week-end? ‘But that’s four nights without a story?!’ I went to kiss him good-night and he was sobbing away. So I went downstairs , told her he was crying and, angrily, she said I could tell him a story. A small incident maybe but purely a vindictive one.

Earlier on, over the week-end, on Sunday morning, while I was cutting the grass, I could hear her berating him because he was being a bit slow in his homework. ‘No one else has a mother who takes their kid everywhere. Do you want to live their lives? Next time, I’ll tell your friend A. he can’t come. You can do all this because of my sacrifices.’ She has clearly built a narrative of sacrifice when she has had all the choices she could desire.

The other day I had my Hotmail open and was also working on another screen. I had it on the latter when I went upstairs and came back to see it on the Hotmail page – she had clearly been looking. Later on, to test, I left my phone and wallet on top of each other, aligned in a particular way, in an area where there would be no need to move either. Later I saw that the wallet was still on top but in a different orientation; had she had to look at the phone for an innocent reason, she would not have been careful to place the wallet back. She clearly wanted to check messages and photographs. There is nothing to find and so nothing was found.

I wrote earlier about a previous e-mail: http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/90-while-browsing.html - I work, she enjoys and then, in addition, I am treated like shit.

The friend that came to stay obviously gave her the oxygen that I do not.

• Another friend who posts frequently on Facebook and Twitter was made fun of – even though he does that that to help with his professional profile
• A parent from school who is moving to a small town from the big city was mystifying her – ‘why on earth would someone do that? How stupid.’
• She washes her hands after going to one particular supermarket – you never know who shops there. Other supermarkets are ok.
• A house being built in a nearby street will be for young professionals – assisted buying. She is worried about the sort of people moving in – though all will be professionals.
• She used to make fun of an overweight boy in class. Usually this comment is directed at me but she did not seem to understand that the friend she was relating it to was also probably overweight when young.
• Also a story about how someone was made fun of because he was dark. Her friend is also quite dark – does she not realise how she could hurt someone by saying these things?

For weeks our son has been saying that he wants me to spend the night in his bed. I have resisted. But he asked again on Sunday night and I said ‘ok.’ I was told off for it. It is over-indulging him. I have also been told not to tell him stories. I responded that I had said ‘no’ for weeks and an exception now and again is not an issue. ‘No has to mean no,’ she said. Should I have said that checking e-mails, phone, throwing away cards are also nos?! I did not.

I did say, however, that stories are fine so long as he also reads books and contributes with his imagination.

‘He does not have a brother or a sister,’ I am told, ‘and you cannot be a sibling.’

Perhaps I do over-indulge but I am also strict and, after all, he is only a child seeking affection. She provides him with lots of gifts, he looks for affection to me, but is that my fault?

Does life remain unsatisfactory until someone is made to cry? I have gone to sleep in the past crying at her words – is that what she wants from both of us?

90 - While Browsing

I was looking for something in my e-mails and came across the exchange below.


All I got for trying to be helpful was an insult. Now we are May 2016 and has she done anything? I gave her a contact in the Red Cross - did she do anything with that? 'No' in both cases.


In the meantime, I have been fortunate enough to add 10% to my salary and am negotiating an interest only mortgage in order to free up more cash per month. What has she done?


Bollocks to it all.


From: Her
Sent: 29 June 2015 13:58
To: Me
Subject: RE: thoughts on jobs

Thanks.  I think numbers 2 and 3 - I can remain silent about the 4th!  Since I have hardly any work experience, I have to start working full-time, if I want a salary or career.  Health permitting, I have almost 20 years of working life left.  So enough time to give it a try.  

 And let's face it - we need the money.  Your monthly income has gone up by around £100 over the past 5 years whereas expenses have gone up.....  No matter what you write on Linked In about how happy you are at work and what wonderful colleagues you've got, we need the money!

---

From: Me

To: Her
Subject: thoughts on jobs
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2015 10:43:00 +0000

I have been thinking about where you may look for jobs.


The first question anyone recruiting will ask is ‘what do you want?’


1.    You do not want a job that simply meets a need for additional money

2.    You want something that is worthy of your background

3.    You do want to ‘start again’

4.    You have significant constraints on time

The obvious first place to look, therefore, is in the charity sector, local, and perhaps start with volunteering.

 In parallel, you obviously have the ‘big boys’ such as Oxfam, CARE, DFID etc. which may require a direct approach.

I am trying to find out whether this organisation is still active: http://londoncharityjobs.co.uk/careers-advice/

I have a contact in the Red Cross who may be able to advise.

But general google search appears to throw up some roles – perhaps inappropriate – and Reed (and others?) appear to look at this sector as well.

 

89 - Something in the Newspaper

This was in the newspaper last week March 2016 - The Guardian - husband whom I can't leave and while the gender is opposite and the issues are not exactly parallel, some bits struck a chord.


'Your work has always come first. In times of distress, I have been left feeling unloved and unworthy.' In my case, work has absolutely not come first. Support at home has come first and I/we have been fortunate that this has been possible while maintaining a very decent lifestyle.


'We don’t have blazing rows, neither of us is violent and we co-parent well enough. So, it doesn’t feel as if I have a good enough reason to tear their lives apart other than my own inner torment and, I admit, your complete frustration with me.' An echo.


'What compelled me to write this letter was a cold. Yes, a pathetic cold. I have been sneezing and coughing all weekend, while trying to ensure that the kids are fed and watered and the household runs smoothly. Not once have you asked if I’m OK or offered to do the kids’ bedtime routine, or even suggested I might have a Sunday lie-in instead of you, God forbid.' Makes me laugh - have always been on hand and week-end lie-ins for her were standard until maybe two years ago. I look back recently to 79 - Now Let's See and 47 - A Typical Saturday


Nowhere in that article does the lady say, 'you did not buy me gifts.' In the fundamentals, I believe I did ok.

88 - Random Fillers

Our son is still away skiing - a whole week away for a 10 year old - and the conquering heroes return tomorrow.


Today is Easter Friday and I have come in to the office - partly because I genuinely have work but also because what would I do at home?


In a normal couples' world, I can imagine two people would discuss what they might do - might laze around - go out for a walk - watch a film - do some cooking.


Even in our normal state, I would have been worrying about what would be 'good enough' for her given that her only interests that I have known are shopping and eating. A restaurant - expensive, not expensive? Lunch or dinner? Dishwasher to load and start, ironing to do. Now, I just walk out and go to work. Bliss.


We did actually go to a film together yesterday evening - her suggestion and I acquiesced. Nice enough film but a main protagonist is a middle-aged husband who has had / is having an affair with a female colleague. At one point - before a car accident kills him - he says, 'look, I've been all confused. Do you think we can go back to what we were?'


Did she know some or all of this when suggesting the movie? Don't know, don't care. I have not had an affair, in any case.


Our son has just passed his Grade 1 Violin exam - which we are very pleased about - and he also learns the piano. We almost bought a proper piano but, in the end, she decided not to go ahead.


'Anyway,' she says, 'a piano would have made putting down under-floor difficult. Which is my plan.'


I did not react but 'my plan'? Really? Lovely you have a plan my dear but the money for this? You will contribute in some material fashion?


And under-floor heating because? Her friends have it?


Bollocks to it all.

87 - Minutae - what sort of a brain is this?

I’ve written before about incidents which suggest a very strange mind set.

So, our shower head was leaking drop by drop. Our plumber could not find a reason and nor could he fix it. Each drop was spraying around the shower floor and surrounding glass – marking the latter. I always placed the head on the floor after a shower – no drops, no spray. I requested her to do the same over a period of many months. No dice. A year and a half down the road, mould has started to grow and, finally, she also now places the head on the floor.

She dropped some ethnic snacks on the floor some years ago and as these little balls are sticky, they picked up dust. I suggested throwing them away. No. They went back into the container with the remaining clean ones (making it all unusable) and this container has been with us – on her bedside table – since 2011 or 2012. It even moved house in 2014 and is still on the bedside table in 2016.

When grilling something in the oven, I always use some foil so that the oil and herbs or whatever do not mark the dish; this makes subsequent cleaning very easy in that you can throw away the foil. She prefers to scrub away for a considerable time rather than use my suggestion of using a foil.

Exaggerating you say?

We moved into our current house in summer 2014. The previous owner’s parents live literally across the road from us. Some Christmas cards arrived in December 2015 for our predecessor. We do not have a forwarding address for them. ‘Should I drop them over the road?’ I ask. ‘No, I will.’

Christmas Day passes, January – still on our mantelpiece.

‘A bit late now,’ I say, ‘I’ll throw them away.’

They are brought back into the house, remain on our mantelpiece and it is now March 24^th 2016.

Tiring, far too tiring.

86 - Anger again - deprivation

Am planning a trip over to Ireland to visit some close friends of mine; potentially her’s as well as this group I have known for more than twenty years. But – though she thinks she is – she is not a ‘people’ person and, while she likes them, feels no resonance with them and considers them ever so slightly beneath her. So I generally go over in the summer when she is not around or meet them over in the UK.

 

She had previously said that she had some air miles which I would be welcome to use.

 

‘Will you let me know how I can access your air miles? I will need to book the tickets to Ireland.’

 

‘But you might want to use them,’ I continue, ‘to visit your cousin in Denmark for example.’

 

‘No. You don’t know how stressful it is not to have gone anywhere for a year. At least you have been for your golf week-end and are going to Ireland – you will be sleeping under another roof.’

 

‘You have the miles. You could go.’

 

‘I don’t have the money.’

 

‘Yes, we do. We could go to Rome in the autumn as we have been saying for a while. Or you could go somewhere on your own.’

 

‘Our son (P.) really needs a long holiday. I can cope without a holiday. We have been to most places in Europe. You only visit people.

(P. is away with his school for a skiing holiday which has cost close to a £1000). 'I hope he enjoys skiing because at least he will have a holiday then.’

 

‘Well, ok, we could book somewhere for December,’ I say.

 

‘I am going to India in the summer (to spend time with her parents) but that is not a holiday as I have to look after P. there as usual.’

 

‘Which is why I am saying you could go somewhere.’ No response.

 

So, she wants to go on holiday, complains that she has to look after our son when she is away for the summer, but does not want to go away on her own for a break..

 

Then, as I am booking the tickets.

 

‘You better be careful of the spend as you are buying your tickets – though they will be free because you are using my airmiles.’ (said in a significantly aggressive way)

 

‘I suggested £600 as a budget for your Christmas and birthday. I have said that I will spend about £350 for golf and £150 for cricket – that still leaves me some for this trip if we are being equal.’

 

‘Ok – so long as it is less than £600 overall.’ I book my tickets without using her fucking, precious air-miles.

 

Her own trip to India, of course, does not count as that is ‘not a holiday.’

 

I remember back to 2014 when we had two trips to India, Greece and the US. I cannot remember previous years but we routinely went on holiday 3 times a year – one year of not going and there is huge deprivation. (though we went to Prague in the summer of 2015)

 

The real issue, of course, is that I am appearing to have fun. And she is not. (I would add, because she is incapable, except at a surface level.)

 

Previously, I would have felt guilty – well, I still do actually. But, frankly, if you have been in one country for more than ten years and have not built up any warm friendships and, in addition, feel my friends or even neighbours to be not worth your while, then I am sorry.

I did not lose my temper, I answered in measured tones and did not rise to any bait. In the past I might have worried about what would please or displease her and what would not. Now I work on the assumption that everything is wrong … and I do not care. She is 43 years old, intelligent and with no constraints – up to her to take advantage and not make others miserable just because she is.

85- Emptiness and Irony

We dropped our son off at school at 2:30 am this morning as he went away with his friends and teachers for a week of skiing.


Came back home, went to our separate rooms and respective beds.


I am exaggerating I am sure but I felt convinced that, with our son not in the house, I felt a hole, a lack, an emptiness. Seemed to bring home that he is the only thing we have that keeps us together. Should not be a surprise but felt quite stark.


The irony bit is that we both went to drop him off and she suggested to some of the other parents - admittedly, jokingly - that we should all go to a night club. Ironic because one of her past rants has been that it is idiotic of me to think that, at my age (47), I should consider 'having fun'. Apparently, I did not when I was the appropriate age and now I am somehow past it and should just knuckle down to be a father and husband.


That is a valid point of view but then why even suggest the opposite with others? Or is it that she should have fun and I should just provide?


Anyway, thankfully, I had a bunch of office work to do and so headed into town. We have not spoken about whether we should speak to family and close friends about our situation. I'll wait for instinct to guide me with regard to whether I should broach or not.

84 - Little Things that Amuse and Sadden

We are coming back from somewhere and we are talking about this and that - very peaceable.

 

She talks about some members of my family. 'I should have more in common with them but I would much rather spend time with my friends (mothers from school) who are so much more positive, outgoing and fun.'

 

And that's fine, of course. One doesn't have to get on with one's family or in-laws.

 

So, she says to our son, 'don't be a grumpy person. Grumpy people are not liked.'

 

He responds, 'So people will not like you.'

 

'You think I am grumpy?'

 

Another example of her being completely oblivious to the fact that what she is with others is different to who she is with us.

 

This goes with at least two other incidents I may have written about.

 

1. There was a storm some months ago which was big enough to be given a name. 'If you don't behave, Storm Desmond will blow you away,' she says one evening to our son. 'No, it will blow you away and dad and I will live happily every after.'
2. In an English homework, making up dialogue, he attributes some immodest words to a very self-effacing woman. The teacher asks, 'Would she really say those words, a quiet woman like that?' My wife asks him the same question. 'You would,' he responds.

Many years ago, she burnt some rice and we still ate it but it did have a burnt smell. 'It is only social conditioning that says rice should not smell burnt.' If I had burnt it ...?


She spills milk over her yoga mat in the trunk of the car. No problem. If I had done it ...? The consequences do not bear thinking about.


I know I am being petty but the consistent inconsistencies are mind boggling.

83 - The End of Stasis ... I give her an 'out' but make a discovery

So .. this is the week-end after Now Let's See - the weekend of Mothering Sunday 6 March 2016.


Yes, things have been going well and peaceably but we are still separate. Yes, we went out to a restaurant last week - just the two of us. But I am still doing my own cleaning, cooking, ironing etc.


Our son participates in Scouts and had to go to a Church service. We came back and she was incandescent with rage. She had expected that I would have booked a restaurant for Mothering Sunday. I did get a card which our son signed and I suppose I could have booked somewhere. But would that not have been hypocritical in our current condition?


As a self-confident woman, could she not have said, 'Mothering Sunday, we are going out.' I would have had no objection.


And, if it comes to appreciation, I can't ever remember doing anything for Father's Day - or receiving a phone call if I was away. And, I don't need it. I do not need a restaurant to know that my son appreciates me.


But, then, embarrassingly, I get myself into a trouble.


I have been away recently. I have also been working out over a considerable time and my body shape is far better that it has probably ever been. Anyway, I take a mirror selfie of myself after having had a shower - not wearing anything. I delete it immediately but, back home, I leave my phone lying around.  She goes into Photos, presumably to check out whether I had any with other women, goes into Deleted Photos - a folder I did not even know existed - and finds it.


The rage, then, is all about how she is living with a pervert. The real anger, though, is about the lack of going out because she discovered the photo on the Saturday and said nothing. This is Sunday. And she had said to our son, 'You should have arranged something - I will not buy you pizza on Wednesday.'


(I now realise how she found the Christmas lunch photo that led to the call for the divorce 69 - Things Have Reached a Head - am broken. I was convinced I had deleted it and now I know I must have - I had left the phone at home and she must have gone in and to the Deleted Photos folder.)


I appreciate that I should not have taken the photo. It was a moment of vanity, idiocy and I immediately deleted it. But, it was a private moment, just me, and I got rid of it - or so I thought.


Stalking phones, receipts, bills, continually wanting things, violent jealousy of others, obsessive need for control, behaving like an angel outside the house and an harridan inside. Pervert is added to the list of impotent, shameful, useless, callous, uncaring, incompetent, weird ... and much more.


I am actually writing this the w/e of 12 March and things have again calmed down. She even  mentioned going to someone's 40th in May.


What do I do? Do I persuade her to come out to family and friends and say we are separated? Our son is away skiing for a week in a week's time - do I broach it then?