107 - Looking Back - a year that was

Well, that was a year.

On December 20 last year – my birthday – in  a fit of anger and (uninformed) jealousy, she burst out and asked for a divorce. Am Broken

I said that that this was unaffordable. But I moved out of our shared room, did my own washing and cooking. This remained the case till the middle of June.

I went and undertook some Counselling which was helpful without being revelatory.

But my story and emotions are, of course, very common.

Then, in the summer, came a dramatic turnaround.

And we are pretty much in that same situation now. There are some glimpses of the old person but, overall, the relationships between her and me and her and our son are tidy and much improved. Drama is less, humour is more.

Am I convinced that a person can change just-like-that? No.

Have we had The Conversation as to where we go from here? No.

I had lunch the other day with a friend of mine – she had been the first person I had shared my troubles - way back in 2011.

I described what had happened over the last year and that things were better. ‘But you don’t sound as if you love her or like her.’

The point possibly is that I do not and I see no point to having that conversation – or, rather, initiating that conversation. This is ‘work’ now and I will try and do what is necessary for the sake of our son.

I can’t remember which day it was but it was recently and I was hugging our son – and I just felt an overwhelming love and attachment. I have written before about how I draw strength from him and that was how I felt. (October 2019 note - 'the rhythm of nature')

I also remember a Valentine’s Letter (July 2019 Note - old letters) I wrote to my wife right at the beginning of our marriage and another letter – in about the same time period – that I wrote while travelling for work. I spoke about what she had given me, the love that I felt. I threw myself into the relationship but soon came the demands, the anger, the never-good-enough and I just put my head down and worked; am still doing so but on more equal terms.

My cousin, my friends believe I should not give up on the hope that this closeness and mutual support and overwhelming love can happen with a partner as well as a child. I have no doubt it can and I have seen it amongst those whom I love. But I am content to survive and should I achieve freedom at some point, friendship and companionship I will be able to handle but mutual dependence is something I will be petrified of for fear of failing and hurting myself and another.