91 - Bollocks to it all

Been a hard few days – mainly out of frustration rather than direct confrontation.

It began with some friends who were due to come to stay for the week-end. Clearly, I needed to move out of the guest room. ‘I’ll clean it,’ she said. ‘That’s ok, I will,’ I replied. It then transpired that the room had not been cleaned / vacuumed since December. I had noticed dust but assumed that on lax work by the cleaner that we have – not as if M. actually does the work. Is that reasonable behaviour given that she does not pay in any way separately for the cleaner.

Over the last several months, perhaps out of some insecurity or maybe just coincidence, our son, though 10, has asked for a story every evening. Nothing special, just little snippets around Star Wars or football. Yesterday evening, without consulting with me beforehand, she said, ‘No more stories, you are not a two year old – go to bed.’ I did not protest. Our son said I could tell a story secretly but I said that we could not lie – though maybe stories just on the week-end? ‘But that’s four nights without a story?!’ I went to kiss him good-night and he was sobbing away. So I went downstairs , told her he was crying and, angrily, she said I could tell him a story. A small incident maybe but purely a vindictive one.

Earlier on, over the week-end, on Sunday morning, while I was cutting the grass, I could hear her berating him because he was being a bit slow in his homework. ‘No one else has a mother who takes their kid everywhere. Do you want to live their lives? Next time, I’ll tell your friend A. he can’t come. You can do all this because of my sacrifices.’ She has clearly built a narrative of sacrifice when she has had all the choices she could desire.

The other day I had my Hotmail open and was also working on another screen. I had it on the latter when I went upstairs and came back to see it on the Hotmail page – she had clearly been looking. Later on, to test, I left my phone and wallet on top of each other, aligned in a particular way, in an area where there would be no need to move either. Later I saw that the wallet was still on top but in a different orientation; had she had to look at the phone for an innocent reason, she would not have been careful to place the wallet back. She clearly wanted to check messages and photographs. There is nothing to find and so nothing was found.

I wrote earlier about a previous e-mail: http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/90-while-browsing.html - I work, she enjoys and then, in addition, I am treated like shit.

The friend that came to stay obviously gave her the oxygen that I do not.

• Another friend who posts frequently on Facebook and Twitter was made fun of – even though he does that that to help with his professional profile
• A parent from school who is moving to a small town from the big city was mystifying her – ‘why on earth would someone do that? How stupid.’
• She washes her hands after going to one particular supermarket – you never know who shops there. Other supermarkets are ok.
• A house being built in a nearby street will be for young professionals – assisted buying. She is worried about the sort of people moving in – though all will be professionals.
• She used to make fun of an overweight boy in class. Usually this comment is directed at me but she did not seem to understand that the friend she was relating it to was also probably overweight when young.
• Also a story about how someone was made fun of because he was dark. Her friend is also quite dark – does she not realise how she could hurt someone by saying these things?

For weeks our son has been saying that he wants me to spend the night in his bed. I have resisted. But he asked again on Sunday night and I said ‘ok.’ I was told off for it. It is over-indulging him. I have also been told not to tell him stories. I responded that I had said ‘no’ for weeks and an exception now and again is not an issue. ‘No has to mean no,’ she said. Should I have said that checking e-mails, phone, throwing away cards are also nos?! I did not.

I did say, however, that stories are fine so long as he also reads books and contributes with his imagination.

‘He does not have a brother or a sister,’ I am told, ‘and you cannot be a sibling.’

Perhaps I do over-indulge but I am also strict and, after all, he is only a child seeking affection. She provides him with lots of gifts, he looks for affection to me, but is that my fault?

Does life remain unsatisfactory until someone is made to cry? I have gone to sleep in the past crying at her words – is that what she wants from both of us?