86 - Anger again - deprivation

Am planning a trip over to Ireland to visit some close friends of mine; potentially her’s as well as this group I have known for more than twenty years. But – though she thinks she is – she is not a ‘people’ person and, while she likes them, feels no resonance with them and considers them ever so slightly beneath her. So I generally go over in the summer when she is not around or meet them over in the UK.

 

She had previously said that she had some air miles which I would be welcome to use.

 

‘Will you let me know how I can access your air miles? I will need to book the tickets to Ireland.’

 

‘But you might want to use them,’ I continue, ‘to visit your cousin in Denmark for example.’

 

‘No. You don’t know how stressful it is not to have gone anywhere for a year. At least you have been for your golf week-end and are going to Ireland – you will be sleeping under another roof.’

 

‘You have the miles. You could go.’

 

‘I don’t have the money.’

 

‘Yes, we do. We could go to Rome in the autumn as we have been saying for a while. Or you could go somewhere on your own.’

 

‘Our son (P.) really needs a long holiday. I can cope without a holiday. We have been to most places in Europe. You only visit people.

(P. is away with his school for a skiing holiday which has cost close to a £1000). 'I hope he enjoys skiing because at least he will have a holiday then.’

 

‘Well, ok, we could book somewhere for December,’ I say.

 

‘I am going to India in the summer (to spend time with her parents) but that is not a holiday as I have to look after P. there as usual.’

 

‘Which is why I am saying you could go somewhere.’ No response.

 

So, she wants to go on holiday, complains that she has to look after our son when she is away for the summer, but does not want to go away on her own for a break..

 

Then, as I am booking the tickets.

 

‘You better be careful of the spend as you are buying your tickets – though they will be free because you are using my airmiles.’ (said in a significantly aggressive way)

 

‘I suggested £600 as a budget for your Christmas and birthday. I have said that I will spend about £350 for golf and £150 for cricket – that still leaves me some for this trip if we are being equal.’

 

‘Ok – so long as it is less than £600 overall.’ I book my tickets without using her fucking, precious air-miles.

 

Her own trip to India, of course, does not count as that is ‘not a holiday.’

 

I remember back to 2014 when we had two trips to India, Greece and the US. I cannot remember previous years but we routinely went on holiday 3 times a year – one year of not going and there is huge deprivation. (though we went to Prague in the summer of 2015)

 

The real issue, of course, is that I am appearing to have fun. And she is not. (I would add, because she is incapable, except at a surface level.)

 

Previously, I would have felt guilty – well, I still do actually. But, frankly, if you have been in one country for more than ten years and have not built up any warm friendships and, in addition, feel my friends or even neighbours to be not worth your while, then I am sorry.

I did not lose my temper, I answered in measured tones and did not rise to any bait. In the past I might have worried about what would please or displease her and what would not. Now I work on the assumption that everything is wrong … and I do not care. She is 43 years old, intelligent and with no constraints – up to her to take advantage and not make others miserable just because she is.