150: Irritations and the Future

150th blog entry - a sort of landmark I suppose!

Have been at home for coming up to two months now. I work as an independent consultant and I have not yet been able to pick up a new assignment since the last one ended in early November - now it is the end of December.

Life has been pleasant enough. The jewellery I bought for the 20th anniversary turned out to be identical to one bought earlier. So, that has been replaced - expensively. Perfume. Money has been spent and, therefore, things are good with the world.

But the irritations continue.

One Sunday I shop and cook and take our son to football and come back and look after his food while she has been browsing on the phone and has not even showered - and I am criticised for the choice of meat cuts!

As usual she is folding clothes at 10 pm when it could have been done during the day and watching TV on high volume - enough to be heard around the house and, in particular, potentially disturbing our son's sleep. I ask her to turn it down - she refuses.

I come home having been out all day on errands and she is at the foot of the stairs looking at her phone - I work the dinner. 'I must show you the Facebook page of X,' she says. X is a friend of a friend and someone who she spent a few days with and is likely never to see again. Why waste time stalking people on FB that you have no interest in?

Last night she asks me when I intend to go to the gym as she has to go shopping.. I say, 'oh, sbout 4 pm.' Today the day passes - she doesn't wake up until 10 am. Then does this and that. At about 1 pm she says that she will not be back in time - she will not hurry her shopping for me. Fair enough, but why then ask in the first place?

And, you know, this is a sort of casual / instinctive selfishness - perhaps not even deliberate thought but just a lack of perception about anyone other than oneself. No doubt she will say the same about me but it is what it is.

And so, when I think of the future, I think of the huge burden that will be lifted if I succeed in being on my own - away from her. Nominally, the only way I see that happening is that our son moves to university and I take the important step of separation. But I truly - truly - cannot envisage the years that I have left continually having to think about her.

I suppose I am also disturbed because a former headteacher at my old high school passed away yesterday. She can't have been more than in her mid to late 50s but was suddenly struck with bowel cancer. A huge tragedy for her family - a husband and a three daughters I think. Her husband was my PE teacher and the three of us played many games of badminton together in the mid and late 80s.

I suppose the question there is whether one should wait before trying to find some peace - as who knows what time we have left.

But it is not a choice right now. The negative thrown at our child would far outweigh any good that may come out of it. There is little doubt that he would prefer to stay with me but there would no end to the drama.

The onesome silver-splitter will have to wait!

149: Tale of Weekends

There is a continuity here from the previous post.

A couple of week-ends ago, while joshing around with friends in his room, our son had spilt quite a lot of fanta or some other drink on the floor. He had tried to clean up but had not done a very good job of it. Her anger was partly justified but it was all a bit dominating.

A couple of days later, he drops some more in the kitchen. I am upstairs and I can hear her SCREAMING at him. As a hint that this may have been a little over the top, I suggest that our neighbours would have heard her!! 'So, they did, so what?' was the response.

The following week-end was fine and pleasant.

This last week-end, after a very calm one, she started shouting at him on Sunday evening for what was or was not in his pencil case. On and on and on.

So, not in front of our son, I state clearly that what I remember most about my mother was her temper and her shouting and that if that is what she wants to leave as a legacy then 'carry on doing what you are doing.'

'That's between you and your mother. And our son is different from you,' she snapped back. But then, nothing, where I was ready for further debate.

What gets me almost as much as the noise and stress itself, is the hypocrisy. Yes, my mum could be harsh but when expecting high standards, she also delivered them herself. Everything was on time, the house was clean ... she worked hard, our father worked hard and she expected my brother and I to do so as well.

Here:

Have to leave the house for the school run at 7:45 am and she does not come down to make the packed lunch and have her coffee before 7:20 am. Our son also takes his time in the morning but as soon as she is done, is continually harangued.

He is told to tidy his room but her room has, for example, now had little sample bottles - of perfume, soap and stuff that she has taken from various hotel rooms - all over the floor for 3 days. Our lovely cleaner is coming tomorrow and so, no doubt, they will be cleared before then.

For the school drop, she has in the past taken her breakfast - stodgy cereal - in a bowl in a bag in the car.

And again, none of that matters if she were to apply the same standards to others as she does to herself. But she does not.

Consistency of character is an important point, isn't it? At work, with friends should not be a contrast to when the front door is closed. I imagine that there are folk who are 3 'different' people in each of those environments. She is one such - mixture of good and bad in all scenarios (like all of us) but some things like the anger and entitlement and micro-management and judgement and lazy generalisations and hectoring are not seen outside.

148: Random Notes – random instructions and telling off / temper

It is Saturday morning. We have to leave at 10:45 am to pick up our son from a rugby match and then drive to a festival a couple of hours away. One of our son’s friends has stayed overnight.

I wake up, have a shower, get the boys up, give them breakfast, empty and then load the dishwasher, make coffee for her and me, drop them off at the rugby, pick up lunch on the way back and, for about a half-hour, sit down to watch some sport on TV. It is 10 am.

She has done essentially nothing other than given instructions to our cleaner who has arrived at 9.

Comes out of the shower. ‘Oh, there’s tons to do … can you do it?’ And then, ‘Oh, it’s only 10:15, I’ll do it.’

Then, suddenly, at 10:40, ‘can you empty the bins in the bathroom, take the rubbish out from the kitchen, get his stuff ready for after the rugby ….’

Don’t mind doing any of that but do resent being harangued and instructed at the last minute. Why not some timeliness and organisation?

Then it is Sunday evening. English as a subject is not our son’s strong point but he is trying – as she herself has told me. Now and again I check his homework but he clearly resents it and, actually, I can’t help him with myriad other subjects – so we need to trust him. And, overall, he is doing very well.

She clearly had some beef going and went on at him that I should check his work. I later suggested to her that it was wrong to – suddenly – get on his back when he is doing well overall and appears to be trying in English. We should be objective about it and so, if there are concerns, we should make an appointment with his English teacher and get some facts together. After another diatribe which was mainly ‘noise’, she agreed.

Our son, while speaking to his mum, had copied what he had written and sent it to himself by email – leaving the document he was working on blank. However, all I had to was Paste and I could see what he had written – which was pretty good actually! I think.

Perfectly pleasant week-end spoiled by her temper. I remember my mother being like that – continuously losing her temper and often haranguing. I struggled to shake it off but our son appears to be made of sterner stuff and does not seem to get down. 

Soon – if not already – he will begin to ignore all the noise.

147: Interesting thoughts on a Common Theme – even Dr Who has doubts!!

Read this about a famous actor a few days ago.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/oct/05/christopher-eccleston-how-often-do-i-have-sex-its-not-been-a-vintage-year

Some lines resonated:

What does love feel like?
I think I’ve only really experienced it on a parental level, and it feels like the rhythm of nature.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?
During my severe clinical depression in 2016. I was at Piccadilly station in Manchester and a train was coming.

So many common stories – going across professions, material wealth and temperament.

146: 20 years - Anniversary

It was our 20th marriage anniversary yesterday  - 15th August.  We have two dates - one for the registry wedding and one a week later for the ceremonial one.

Ok, in the past, often she has been in India on long holidays with her parents over this period and so I have not had to think about the day. 

But then, of course, she 'knew' - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2015/09/in-her-words-and-some-in-mine.html - that I would not do anything and that was why she was in India!

Since the time of our 'troubles' I have been conscious to book an expensive meal and sometimes a show. I have still got into trouble for not posting pictures on Facebook!!

So, this year I said that for the 15th of August, she should book the restaurant. My mother would be staying with us and so we could easily go out - just she and I. She agreed.

Nothing happened.

And then I hear,'your mother says that she wants to take us out for dinner.' 

'We do not have to do that,' I respond,'we can go out.' Previous years I would have insisted on us going out for fear of her reaction but this time I did not - left it to her. My mother would not have objected if told that we wanted to go out on our own. 

In the meantime, I have booked a show for the 22nd for all three of us. And, to be fair, she has been fine about being taken out by my mother - saying that she and I can go out another day; a very reasonable attitude.

I was swimming the other day and a thought occurred. To mark the landmark anniversary we had gone away for a hugely expensive holiday - an African safari. But that probably was not going to be enough was it? I decided not to take the risk and ordered some expensive jewellery in addition!! So far, so good - mood is fine. But no, 'oh, I was not expecting this, you should not have - after all that we spent on the holiday.'

For the Facebook update issue, I took a couple of photographs because she wanted to and sent them to her by WhatsApp. I have not yet seen on FB - and if I'm challenged, I will once again say, 'why does it have to be me all the time?!'

On the face of it, things are good between us right now and all is calm and even fun. In my head and heart, of course, nothing has changed and I have lost all connection. Even if I did love, whether a picture appeared on FB or not would not matter to me. But what if it did matter? Why, indeed, does it have to be me all the time? Anyway, didn't matter ever, doesn't matter now.

As I was walking to work today, I began to think that it would be fascinating to do a study on a mix of husbands - to see what they feel. Many of the dads at my son's school are white, English and far more successful than me. Do they feel they are slaves? Do they feel under-appreciated? Do they need validation? In brief, drunken, Christmas party conversations it has seemed that they have similar stories but would be fascinating to know.

Onward ...

145: Advice to a younger self

Another interesting article - this time about 'advice to your younger self'. The author questions the value of this but the important conclusion is:

'Because the crucial issue, after all, isn’t what you might have done differently in the past, had you been someone that you couldn’t have been back then. It’s what you’d do now, if you treated yourself with half the kindness and goodwill you unhesitatingly extend to your favourite relatives or friends. For many people, I know, this can be a major challenge. But unlike changing the past, it has the enormous advantage of not being impossible.'

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/12/cant-change-past-why-advice-younger-self-oliver-burkeman?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1562941383

144: Life without a narrative

Really interesting article about the self. 

https://www.theguardian.com/global/2019/jul/06/are-you-really-the-real-you-and-how-can-we-best-become-our-true-selves?CMP=share_btn_fb

And an excerpt:

'I now think my question about whether we can be persuaded into the “right” belief about our “true selves” rests on the false idea that there is some truth waiting to be discovered. And that we can get at it with enough evidence, as though the Alex of today was waiting, dormant, inside the Alex of 2000, and that the right sort of evidence could have revealed him. Of course it wasn’t.

'The traits and preferences and perspectives Alex now takes to define himself didn’t exist to be discovered when he was wondering who he really was; they were made in and by the decision to walk away. Perhaps the challenge in changing our minds about who we really are is not to rationally persuade ourselves into a new story about who we are, but to learn to live for periods of our life without one.

'This sounds like a deeply frightening prospect, if you think that selves just are – or depend upon – a coherent narrative. But life without pre-written story can also be enormously fun. That’s part of what was so great about the episodes of Faking It that ended as successfully as Alex’s: you got to watch the childish wonder of people realising they were capable of the things they had declared they could never do. It was hard not to well up when people broke through their rigid views of themselves to find joy and promise in the possibility of life without a script.'

I believe it was making the point that we all live to a narrative. But perhaps we believe there is a different narrative - the 'true' self. But how about life without a narrative?!

143: Talking about Others

We know a couple with a background not a million miles removed from us. Let us call him X and she Y.

To me X & Y seem very compatible with similar tastes and a mutual liking for each other.

'Oh,' my wife says, 'I saw pictures of Y on Facebook with some of her friends. She looks so happy - she never looks like that in photos with X. Not saying their marriage was a mistake but she will not be happy with him. She made a mistake.'

This is somewhat ironic given that that was the very same accusation made against me. That in my Facebook photographs I look much happier with others than I do with her. So, going by the same rules, I made a mistake!!!

What is this about judging others and never, ever doing a bit of self-assessment and having even a modicum of self-awareness!! https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2019/05/137-self-awareness.html

142: What is this Obsession with Age?

A friend of mine sent me a message. As part of his work, he had come across someone - whom he hadn't yet met and did not even know the gender of - who shared my surname. 'A bit of a bizarre question, but is she related to you?'

I did not recognise the name but passed it on to my wife as it seemed vaguely familiar.

Her response back: 'Could be I know her. Is this a very senior position? She is younger than me.'

What is this obsession with age. Her logic went that my friend - who is 50 like me - was unlikely to be associating with someone younger than her (46). Either my friend is a failure for doing so or her acquaintance is very successful!!

I remember a conversation from years ago about my age. https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2016/05/92-struggling-and-tired.html

I would venture to say that this is once more down to the well entrenched sense of 'entitlement'. 

Age does not and cannot guarantee seniority - except in time-serving and stale organisations. None of birth, university, family, contacts and even innate abilities of intelligence or charm can or should entitle one to success. Surely it is about working and being lucky. The only - and very important -  outcome driven by the elements above is where one starts. Life is not a conveyor belt - it is very much a game of snakes and ladders and some start at 0, others further up!

141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000

While clearing out some old papers, found a few letters from the dim and distant past.

Amazingly, they appear to be written by me to my wife all in the space of a couple of weeks in April 2000 - the very first year of our marriage, eight months in.

I had been in Brussels – had negotiated a stay with her there as well when the usual arrangement was to be single and come back to base (UK) every weekend. I had been lobbying for a posting out in India, was on the point of succeeding and had gone out to India with her for a reconnaissance visit. She had stayed back while I returned to Europe.

Letter 1 (10^th April, 2000):

‘I am missing you terribly much my love.’ And then a lot of general news.

Letter 2 (17^th April, 2000)

‘I am missing so very much. When I see you I’m going to squeeze you and squeeze you and kiss you a hundred times in front of whole Heathrow. My love, my love, my love …’

I know I had written a similar letter on Valentine’s Day that same year. This was me genuinely feeling what I was writing and giving of myself completely.

Letter 3 (28^th April, 2000)

‘M., we just spoke on the phone and, frankly, I’m hurt and confused. Words mean a lot to me. Unlike a lot of other people I very rarely let emotion take control of my words. I’m aware that you, like others, have a temper and say things which, possibly, you don’t mean. But I take words for what they mean – ie literally – and so what you said upset me greatly. Sorry if I am over-reacting.'

I then go on to address various accusations of unfairness and meanness – all pointed towards my family and friends. The word ‘hate’ is used. I end with:

‘Why can’t we live within ourselves, secure in who we are and being forgiving of who we see? I never knew the meaning of love until I met you. You are everything to me – if you love me then nothing and no one else matters. But we keep falling out over people – why? I don’t understand. Am I that stupid, that naieve? Does my opinion of other people matter more to you than what I think of you? I go back to my original question – have I been so neglectful of you? Do I need to cut off links with my family?’

This attitudinal issue of control and resentment never changed – though I kept my head down, broke relationships and built distance from those close to me over the next decade and a half. Nothing worked. The issues were the same in 2015.

Though things are far better now after the Magic Turnaround, but how real is it all. And, anyway, I have been broken and I’m staying only for our son.

140: A Good Moment

This has been a good year for our son - as I noted in my previous entry, he did well in his end of year exams. He also got a mention from the Headmaster on doing very well in some sort of Maths Olympiad.

He also won Player of the Year in his rugby B team at school and did well enough to get his black-belt in karate.

And the other day, I was sitting next to him and he started tapping away on my bald patch with his fingers. Don't get hugs or wraparounds very often any more but this was a little moment of intimacy.

He seems very happy and content. Now to build on this good year. Hope I will be able to help him!

139: Learning, learning, learning .... to let go

I was discussing with some people about one of the points discussed in the Counselling Sessions in early 2016. In particular, about how, in time, my son would also move away from me. I had examples of that over the last few days.

He - aged 13 now - went to the local high street with his mates and came back with .... shopping!! A pair of trainers, tops and shorts. Not something I would ever have done and I was pretty happy at this - especially as he did not appear to have wasted money and it was his pocket and birthday money anyway. 

The next example shows me in more of a mixed light.

He has done very well in his end of year exams and his school has offered him a small amount of money to buy some books from Amazon. He first suggested 30 copies of a 0.99p book, which was trivial and I said 'no' - he had to show some respect for the school which was funding the books. He carried on then to suggest a football book which was fine. And then yet another football book and, to me, that did not seem appropriate. So, in a stern tone, I said that this was being frivolous and he should look for something else. He didn't have to buy the collected works of Cicero or anything - he wants to go into comedy, so why not buy a comedy-writing book? It felt to me that he was being less than respectful to the school and that he should show some flexibility.

He started to cry. So I did as he asked and ordered the books he wanted.

And I apologised. Because, actually, why should I impose my structure of thoughts on him? He'd done the important bit which is about working well enough to get the awards. After all, I hadn't reacted with the shopping thing where I could have said that he shouldn't be spending money on crap clothes - in this case I never considered imposing. So, I should be consistent.

Just because I have 'invested' in this relationship does not mean that it has to follow my frameworks - time to let go.

Later on I did say to him that I am allowed to disagree with him but it was wrong of me to lose my temper.

On a related note, I was supposed to drop him off to a birthday party and he was in the car and waiting for me at the appointed time. This is in contrast to the mornings when it can be a struggle to get him down to breakfast in good time instead of rushing. I said to him - calmly - that he should have the same standards of timekeeping for going to a birthday party as going to school! And he was down ten minutes earlier than usual this morning without being forced. Let's see how long that lasts!! 

(Of course, his mother only comes down at 7:20 when they have to leave by 7:40 and she has to make his packed lunch before then as well. She has been known to take her bowl of porridge with her in the car!! Everything dramatic and last minute. I tend to get down earlier, get his lunch done by 7:10 and then have my breakfast.)

His crying really affected me. It should not happen.

138: Mid-Life Crisis and Reginald Perrin (!)

Very interesting article on mid-life crisis – and even more interesting comments below the line.

Of relationships it says, ‘In her book Male and Female, she floated this suggestion: we should allow two, three or four marriages. “The first,” Jackson summarises, “for youthful passion, your second marriage for parenthood, your third marriage for companionship.” (Jackson ends there. Maybe a fourth for different companionship, once you have had enough of the third?) “There’s nothing to suggest that can’t be all to the same person,” Jackson adds, although if that were true, the relationship wouldn’t have been in crisis in the first place.’

When it talks about taking control and, say, leaving one’s current relationship and going off, ‘It’s not just that there is a vanishingly thin line between authenticity and selfishness, because – especially in a family – there is no such thing as consequences-for-one.’

When it talks about choices that we make in life, ‘Footfalls echo in the memory, Down the passage which we did not take, Towards the door we never opened, Into the rose-garden.’ TS Eliot, Burnt Norton

I have often thought that, ‘A mid-life crisis is a luxury, probably triggered by too much leisure time and exercise; try dealing with a major illness or a something really dramatic, shitty and prolonged at work and you might realise that you didn't need to have one:). First World Problem’

To which another person wrote:

‘I've dealt with horrible situations at work, ending in redundancy, and also major surgery. But, having worked in many, I can assure you that people in poorer countries also experience a similar mix of feelings about aspirations unfulfilled, contentment mingled with regrets, beginning to fear rather than embrace the future - particularly in situations of major generational shifts. People who lost so much in liberation struggles only to see everything they fought for overturned or forgotten. Not just a First World Problem.’

‘Throughout my forties I would often ask,.... so when is this midlife crisis thing going to hit me?

And then it did. One day I found myself in a specialist hospital unit with lots of worried faces staring down at me, and my wife asking nervously of anyone who looked competent, ' Is he going to die?'.

Not the midlife crisis I expected, but a proper, full on, five star, life threatening crisis nevertheless. Fourteen years on and I didn't die, but without wishing to sound remotely sanctimonious - always a risk for us survivors - my 'crisis' did fundamentally change my outlook on......pretty much everything.

'These days when I hear the phrase, 'Is this all there is?', I bite my tongue, and I think to myself, what do you mean, 'all'? Is health, wealth, democracy, education, abundant food, entertainment of every description at the touch of a button, foreign travel, the love and companionship of family and friends....plus, in my case the knowledge that a team of very clever people fought and worked hard to bring me back from the dead. Is this not enough?

'If this is 'all' there is ....then I'll take it, no questions asked, no further explanation needed. Having a crisis? Get ill....very ill....then fight your way back.’

And something I have pondered, ‘One of the tragedies of modern life is that most of us don't have a big enough purpose to live for.

‘We buy in to the message that romance, sex, work or material stuff can be enough. While these can be good in themselves they simply can't bear the weight of our needs to have significance, to be loved and to have purpose.’

‘Isn't that what most of us have kids for, so that we have a purpose? When they grow up and away (although that's getting harder these days as we all know), then the 'purpose' disappears and if you're not careful so does your reason to be.’

And then a passionate thought:

‘Is this all there is?”... If the question ever surfaces you're in (relative) luck, because it means you have time to contemplate and possibly the resources to change route.

"If we all dropped everything to go on a voyage of self-discovery...". This is a voyage that is easy to set upon. The sooner the better. It basically starts with one fundamental question: What hand have I been dealt in life? and its derivatives: What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses? How do i combine these to reach my potential ..or at least increase my chances of survival (as is the case for the many)? What do i actively love doing? etc.

'Depending on the clarity (lots of luck and tutoring needed here) of the results of such a self survey, one can slowly form a toolkit to deal with the ups and downs of real life and discard other peoples' 'models' and fantasies that invariably lead to stupidity and frustration.

‘We all are a product of randomness and we need lots of help and need to help others. We could do well to go short on our mythologies of "hard work" and the "success" of "self made men/women". Those of us lucky enough to feel content, we should be thankful for the gifts nature bestowed on us and pay back with love and consideration for those beings and surroundings that make our lives truly meaningful.

‘Embrace your mid-life crisis! Let it shake you to your core! Because for some, it is an unstoppable force of destruction. Destroying what is no longer relevant or appropriate or necessary. It can come in the form of job loss, divorce, emptying of the family home, nervous breakdown, illness ... whatever. As we gear up to face the second half of our life, jettison what is holding you back before life comes and disposes of it for you. Mid-life crises - buying a leather jacket, buying a Harley, running off with someone 20 years younger than you - I guess these are all possibles but I think of mid-life crises as an existential even spiritual breakdown where we are asked to put ourselves back together again in a new fashion. It can be horrendous, but if embraced and faced can be a devastating force for positive change.’

137: Self-Awareness

She asks me the other day, ‘you like children and enjoy sport – why don’t you do some coaching like many other dads?’

There are two main reasons.

I suppose in years gone by I would have been afraid of the time commitment away from the family. As I’ve shared before, a couple of successive evenings out due to work and there would be stress. Does she really not remember that history?

But I now play sport on the week-ends and so I’ve overcome that particular qualm.

Then I went on to say that – without any false modesty – I have never considered coaching (or mentoring at work, for example) because I have never considered myself to be very good. I would struggle to be a counsellor for example – taking that level of responsibility.

‘I think I would be a good counsellor,’ she responds.

Really? Given that she is just about the most judgemental person I know. That she has treated her husband and son like shit while being all sweetness and light with friends (and a harridan with customer service people who can’t answer back) is an unlikely background for a counsellor. ‘I might do what E. does and become a Samaritan.’

I suppose people can be different inside four walls and outside and she is a good friend to her friends. Good luck to her.

136: Bits and Bobs

During the week we are sleeping in different rooms as, otherwise, I struggle to have a peaceful night because of her snoring - my snoring does not seem to affect her.

Anyway, I was watching some TV and went into our bedroom to wish her goodnight and she said, 'I was looking for a receipt for the extra cereal packet you bought - so I could return it. All your stuff fell out and so everything is in the wrong order in your wallet.'

Bollocks.

Yes, I had bought some extra cereal but I checked the next morning and it had already been returned. She was clearly going through my wallet which was in my trousers that I had left in my room. What was she trying to find? A secret tryst of some sort. Sadly, there is nothing and so nothing was found. I obviously did not address it with her in any antagonistic way or, indeed, in any way. What's the point.

Because, also, you see, I am at a point where I really don't want to play the game of who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. It really doesn't matter. Though life these last couple of years since the Magic Turnaround has been fine, I just have no feeling and while this blog is very useful to record points, it is for my own benefit rather than to weigh the scales. It is what it is and when it comes to split, and I do hope that that time will come, I will not feel the need to justify my actions.

Update May 2019
Perhaps I had been hasty in my judgement. That extra box of cereal had been lying about in the car rather than returned. Am still not convinced though - she could have easily used her receipt to return the box I had bought?

135: Sex and Marriage

I wrote some time ago - Testosterone - that I had been having trouble with the sexual side of things. 

Looking back, it was August 2015 that we last had penetrative sex and nothing happens down below when I am next to her. Since 2016 I have tried to give her pleasure in other ways but that's stopped since January 2019. In all our years of marriage, I was usually the instigator and post-sex, I was often met with the comment, 'satisfied?' So, bollocks to it. If she instigates I will react but, otherwise, let it be.

Over the counter viagra ads sometimes pop up  on the TV and she looks at me out of the corner of my eye but I really can't be bothered.

July 2020 update: Coming up the 5th anniversary of no-sex on my part. We sleep apart during the week anyway - as her snoring disturbs my sleep and we have come to that arrangement. On the weekends, we sleep in the same bed and, now and again, she will want sex. But, nothing happens with my 'machinery' - so, I provide some pleasure in other ways and that's the extent of our sex life.

And, you know what, I am not interested anyway; the mind and spirit are gone. I have had a testosterone test done again and mine remains marginally low - there appears to be no reason why everything should not work. But it doesn't and that may be down to psychology. Don't really care.

134: Usual Rubbish .... but also Good

Son has been on holiday this week due to half-term holidays.

This Sunday - yesterday - I took our son to football, arranged lunch, cooked in the evening for part of the week, got dinner together, watched some football on TV with our son.

She mainly faffed about all day - admittedly booked up a holiday to Spain (!) and did some clothes washing and drying.

She talked about a trip up to Manchester for a special treat for our son - to visit Manchester United's training ground - but then got down to doing it just as we were settling down to watch a show at 9 pm.

Then - this is Sunday evening, when there has been no school for a week - she starts to iron our son's clothes for the next morning; I had of course offered but been declined.

Really? A whole week and everything has to be on Sunday evening after 10 pm??? Of course, old receipts all over the floor in the study  continues. As I've said repeatedly in the past, it is not the actions, it is the hypocrisy.

She is now coming out with things like, 'I don't like change' when for months and months she agitated for our son to change school precisely FOR a change!

She speaks admiringly of her brother - rightly so - about how he does not take himself seriously despite being very successful. Look in the mirror, please!

On the 'good' side, she and our son seem to be getting on better. All three met up in the centre of town for dinner and came back on the train. On the walk home, he stayed with me a while and then caught up his mum for the rest of the journey - this would not have happened before.

133: Good enough - a philosphy

Every life is, or could be, a series of self-justifications. In previous posts I have written about the good fortune I have had of a good level of earning which has helped me - so far - to provide and support.

But I have also been told by my wife that I should be ashamed of not having had pay rises. One of my motivations to take redundancy some 15 months ago was for the substantial pay-off - which funded 3 new bathrooms, a new kitchen and house decoration.

Where does the feeling of 'good enough' morph into laziness?

An interesting article here.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jan/12/i-accept-myself-just-as-i-am-the-rise-of-realistic-self-help

Then again, the self-reinvention narrative was always a bit suspect to begin with. For one thing, it’s by no means clear that it’s possible to transform yourself through the simple application of individual willpower: wherever you come down on nature and nurture, it’s undeniable that we owe much of our success or failure in life to our circumstances, and to luck. Then there is the infuriating psychological quirk of “hedonic adaptation”, otherwise known as the happiness treadmill. Succeed in improving your life, and the improvement will soon become part of the backdrop of your days, and thus cease delivering pleasure; to recover that sense of vitality and zest, you’ll have to reinvent yourself again, ad infinitum.

For a while now, that hyperbole has been losing ground to a spirit of anti-utopianism – of accepting yourself as you are, building a good-enough life, or just protecting yourself from the worst of the world outside. 

At the core of Gawdat’s “formula for happiness” is the venerable observation that happiness equals reality minus expectations: in order to feel distress because your life is lacking something, you must first have had some expectation of attaining that thing. (My life lacks a 70ft yacht, but this causes me no suffering, because I never imagined I’d have one.) The argument is not, as progressive critics of self-help sometimes imagine, that disadvantaged people need only stop expecting anything better in order to be content. Some expectations – a reasonable standard of living, healthcare, fulfilling work, social connection – may be entirely rational. But seeing the truth of the formula acts as a kind of sieve, allowing you to separate the handful of things you genuinely want from life from those you’ve been socialised into believing you should want. The latter aren’t worth the pursuit – and if they are the reason you’re trying to invent a “new you”, you’re better off sticking with the old one.

And, of course, there is the danger:

The new crop of anti-perfectionist self-help books are an important counterweight to the conventional message of self-reinvention, which is that there’s no point at which it makes sense to be satisfied with your situation and finally relax, since you could always benefit from acquiring more money, status, education, and so on.

132: Same old, same old

Today is a Monday.

Last week, for three days in a row, I came home to just a complete mess at home – stuff in the sink, clothes all over the place, cooking not done ….

And I don’t really mind – am not exactly hugely organised myself.

But the issue is that she leaves things till late and then is all stressed about working till late – in addition to lecturing others on being conscientious!!

Someone who does not work – as in a profession, to work till 10 pm is a travesty.

Last night, mainly because of her as, left to my own devices I would have gone to my room and bed, I sat down to watch some TV with her. 9 pm. She has to choose that precise time to do ironing and scan documents. Both could have been done earlier or later but this need to create drama and then resolve seems to be a habit.

131: Luxury Items (!!!!)

My wife bought some of these sticks that are dipped in perfume and spread a nice aroma around a house.

'This is our luxury item,' she pronounced!

I thought about: planning for a safari holiday, Cuba last year, multiple holidays, £50k on new bathrooms and kitchen, essentially very few worries on spending .....

This must have flicked across my face - she dragged it back, '... another luxury.'

130: Drone Man and Childishness

So, on my landmark birthday our flights to Spain get cancelled due to airport troubles with drones and we are unable to go. I can only imagine what the reaction might have been if it had been on her birthday! (but let me not guess – perhaps it would have been fine.) Not really bothered about going out but she insists that we go to a pub – she tries one that she really likes, fails and then goes for a second. All good.

Her birthday comes, it’s on a Sunday. ‘Shall we try a week-day lunch at a nice place?’ ‘No – we’ll take our son along.’ ‘Ok.’ ‘Shall I book the pub we couldn’t get on my birthday?’ ‘No – let’s go into the centre of town. Somewhere nice.’

Glad I asked about the pub rather than book it!! Would not have been ‘good enough’.

I read somewhere that after the age of 11 one really should not care about birthdays. But clearly not in this case!

After our tempestuous year in 2015, and shopping episode we take an equal amount from the joint account as the Christmas and birthday bonus. I go for Christmas shopping one day with her. The other day she says, ‘I think I will buy a watch for my birthday – I will take you with me.’

As I write these, they seem very little and, indeed, they are – but it is all about self-importance and making others dance to her tune.

The mood, overall, had been a little ‘off’ lately. I use a travelcard to go back and forth from work and this can be registered onto an online system where all movements can be tracked and, in case of loss, money protected. She had been nagging me for months to get it registered and I had always resisted – for no particular reason. Again, she went on at me until I gave in. 

She went online and did all the work. I stepped out of the room to get something and came back to find that she was trawling through my journeys from previous months – and it suddenly struck me that she possibly took my reluctance to register as a sign that I did not want her to see my journeys. Perhaps she was thinking that I was having this mythical affair and my travel history would give it away.

Mood has substantially improved – no such evidence as no such fact!!

129: Happy New Year .... and funny

Happy New Year in this year of 2019 - who knows what this will bring!!!

We were due to meet a cousin of my wife's who also happened to be a childhood friend of mine. This friend and I had fallen out because of a controversy surrounding my wife in which she had been the innocent party - the accusations made by her cousin/my friend totally unfounded. In 2000 I had defended my wife and would do so again and had lost the childhood friend, her siblings and the family as a consequence.

Anyway, there has been a little rapprochement and we were all due to meet. I deliberately wore an old sweater so I would not be accused of 'making an effort.'

My wife comes into the room and forces me to change the sweater and suggests I go to an analyst with the question, ' why do I have trouble spending money?'

Given that we have just spent some £50000 on updating the house, this seemed a bit rich to me! I did not say anything.

Perhaps because what I wear is not my priority, perhaps I don't like wasting money because I have to earn it, perhaps because my only recreation is not 'spending money'.