Entry 21: All Gone to Pot

Everything was going so well. Wife and son came back from India and we were really having a lot of fun. Mood was great.

Had booked a holiday in Spain and the first three days went wonderfully. 'Say thank you to your dad for such a wonderful holiday.' I had booked the second half of the week in a 5* place. But this - though definitely 5* - wasn't amazing and it rained and rained and rained for three days. So, even though the place had been booked with her permission, it all became my fault. Yet another example of how I was selfish. Then other stuff came out.

So, finally, after 12 years, I decided to fight back and wrote her a letter.

Dear M

Thank you for your outburst on Sunday night. I was wondering if I ought just to move on and hope things improve but, clearly, that is not going to happen. You have accused me of being callous and, actually, not a very nice person. I promised you a letter at Easter but did not follow through as the situation did get better but, this time, please bear with me.

You will not believe, by the way, how similar my life at home is to my life at work: I keep trying to do the right things and just get slapped about for my pains.

Your latest unhappiness

In Spain, you were absolutely fine in Malaga. Then it rained (out of my control), you could not go out for one day and you did not like the hotel – so that became my fault. In anticipation, you had no issues – ‘the most romantic destination in Europe’ was it not? But now it is, ‘Had it been me, I would never have booked that place.’ I asked you before booking it but the fact that you ultimately did not enjoy it, has made you retrospectively angry. Sorry, that is unfair on me.

Because I did not pay much attention to the meal price, you have taken it that I don’t mind spending money on food when down to me but resent it when you do. I have never asked you to use Groupon. I have never complained about the cost of a meal. Every time you have suggested a meal in town, I have said ‘yes’ if I have been able to. If you have been waiting for me to invite you then I’m sorry. But the last few months have been extremely stressful at work – and this can be fixed.

I have been speaking to you about a winter holiday since the summer and we agreed that we would book later but you have been in a funk for more than a month now. So, again, this is retrospective anger. I would not risk a holiday without consultation as you would probably just accuse me of doing what I pleased. Even you did not know that December packages are booked up in February / March.

Presents and Support

In the past, every time I have bought a present, it has not been liked. Dress – you asked me not to buy any in the future; jewellery and watch – which we bought together – in a vault; handbag – returned and changed; flowers – you have specifically told me not to buy; spa – again, you have said you don’t want. A break on your own? Again, no. So, what is left, given that you do not have any particular interests / hobbies? Lingerie? A special meal with your friends for your 40^th? No. We did buy the Mac specifically for you. However, if those ‘nos’ were really ‘yes’ then I’m sorry.

I can go back to buying presents and I had intended to anyway. Ask this, though, of your friends. Flowers on Valentine’s Day and breakfast and a lie-in on Mother’s Day sure but .... Always doing the night shift with the baby? Me. Sleeping with him when he is ill? Me. Lying in most week-ends to 10 at least? You. Going downstairs at 1:30 am every night for six / nine months? Me. Doing hours and hours of ironing when the pile gets too much? Mostly me. In the early years, cleaning toilets, hoovering? Me. Cleaning your pubic hair from the shower and period blood from the toilet? Me. (I had left a streak for you which you have removed I saw). For a while, I would come home and even have to prepare our son's food some evenings.

You may say that you never asked for this support. Trust me. If I had to work late three evenings in a row there would be stress at home and I would be the bad guy. It got to the point where I was working at the office (which is no holiday by the way) and then starting a substantial second shift at home – which would last till 9pm. I decided that this was not fair – particularly as our son has been full time in school since 2009. So I decided to go swimming and have gradually pulled back from the cooking and washing up. If you want me to go back to it, tell me.

Desire to be better

In order to look better, I have spent money, time and energy losing weight and inches and getting fitter. I focus on the inside while you focus on the outside. For clothes, have I ever, EVER, questioned what you buy for yourself and our son? Me - leave to me. I enjoy the gym, I spend money on golf, I can look professional if I need to.

And, if we are talking about bettering ourselves , why did we live for a year and half with curry juice on the wall? Or months and months with an overgrown garden? Why is the house a mess most of the time? Why do you not exercise? These are all your accountabilities and, believe me, I do not care one jot about any of them. But should you not judge yourself against the same standards on which you judge others?

I am naturally untidy and so I am ok with mess. I know I could make a mistake driving at any time and so did not make a drama when you drove into something even when you had the alarm screaming at you. I forget things – I am forgiving of other people forgetting things. I do not have standards for others that differ from what I have for myself.

Only thinking about others

This is an old accusation.  Do you know why I appreciate my friends so much? Because they give me unadulterated affection, they give me confidence and do not make me feel stupid. They also do not work on the ‘accounting principle’ of like and dislike. You mention my god-daughter. From memory, I did not give her anything last Christmas or her previous birthday – mainly because I was apprehensive of your reaction.

You have been the lead in making fundamental decisions. Having a child; choosing to live as far away from my parents as possible for fear of interference; not working; not using babysitters. I have supported you in every decision as is my duty. If those decisions are leading to frustration then change something. For now, you are taking it out on me. Soon it may be our son and you have to be careful of becoming overly controlling. I have often suggested in the past that you find an interest or a hobby – during the day, in the evenings, whatever. You have not done so – another fundamental decision.

Your moods

A person should be entitled to feel that home is where there is a safe haven and support. At your best – which lasted this time from a little before you left for India to the Wednesday of the Spain trip – you are funny, outgoing and a pleasure to come home to. But, then come the bad times when this is not the case and I have no doubt that I react to that. From January 2011 to Venice you were in a mood. I was afraid to come home, wondering what I would be told that I had done wrong. This is a recurring theme – if you remember I used to point this out to you by joking about you throwing a wobbly once every month.

You are extremely cutting in your remarks to people closest to you. I have occasionally been shocked at how you speak to your parents and they have clearly let you get away with it.

Time Management

Let me preface this by saying that your time is your time. But I have come to the conclusion that you do not like routine work. So, you go to Sainsbury’s after school, you do not start cooking until 6/7, you get distracted by Facebook or messages and you work till late, late, late. So, you end up being stressed. If that is the routine you prefer, fine. But understand the stress you are putting yourself under.

I am not at all suggesting that you perform the part of the traditional housewife. That is not you. But it is surely possible to organise yourself a little better or ask for help – send ironing to the dry cleaners for example as I have suggested. Develop a routine for food so that there is a base scenario rather than having to think up something new every day.

Tired

To survive, I have to believe that I am an ok person. I am not judgemental and I do not expect of others what I do not expect from myself. But I am tired. I have tried to be a supportive husband and a good father – in the past, a good son. But, clearly, I have not succeeded. And, so, I give up. I give up questioning my every action against your possible reaction. I give up trying to second guess you. I give up worrying about you – though you will continue to have my support.

So......

1.     I will be more demonstrative and buy more gifts.

a.     You will not criticise anything I buy for our son but, of course, you will be free to change anything I get for you.

2.     Starting December 13^th, you and I will go to a posh restaurant for lunch once every month. I have already booked the ones for December and January.

3.     I will not try to read your mind. We should be grown up enough to say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when we mean ‘no’ without our motives being questioned.

4.     We will try for a last minute Christmas / New Year deal this year but, failing that, will – together – agree a Christmas holiday for 2013 early in 2012.

5.     This constant stress and what may or may not please you on the week-end is strange. So, from January 12/13, you and I will take alternate week-ends. Let’s plan early rather than on the day when I have to guess what will please you.

6.     If you want me to do more cooking and cleaning I am happy to do so – but give me specific days.

7.     For the February half-term, I will book you a city break on your own – perhaps to Prague. You need time on your own without worrying about our son.

8.     I will give you as much support as I can but all of the above is mechanical. If you want to go to counselling, arrange it and I will come.

By profession I am a change manager. If we take these steps, maybe we will get back to what we sometimes have been. Our son deserves to be our sub-set rather that the intersection of two separate circles.

This is one side of the story. I am sorry if I have been harsh but I am still talking in gentler currency than you often do. You will not agree with much of what I have written. My suggestion is that we work our way mechanically through the list and start afresh, one step at a time. Up to you.

In the end

As has been dramatically and tragically shown recently, life is short. We have a wonderful son, we are healthy, we lack for nothing – though it is always possible to have more of everything.

You are about to turn 40. If you are lucky, you will live as long as you have lived. I will probably live less. Let us not waste the time we have left.

In the end, your contentment is tied up in your head and is in your hands - and not in anything I can do.