58: In her words ... and some in mine

I wrote a piece on LinkedIn about ‘team spirit’ and how ‘everybody needs a Cheers (where everybody knows your name)’ to function well. I cited my previous teams at work and, indeed, my school. And how there was a convergence between good work and good team.

She reacted to this for some reason:
Just saw your post.  So obviously the facts that you don’t have to do most of the housework, most evenings there is food on the table, clothes are washed (most of the time), house is reasonably clean etc do not contribute to your success at work??!!  I do not expect you to go gaga over all the things I do as we have a clear and fair division of labour.  But if you are so appreciative of your colleagues, your friends from the gym, etc. don’t you think I deserve something??!!

My response as I had lost my temper by now:

The LinkedIn blog is about work and what is it that could create a good team. And whether good work creates a good team or vice versa. 

Work at home has never bothered me. I will happily do cleaning, washing, cooking. And I have done far more than others. 

It is the constant sniping and strident criticism and instructions. You are mostly stressed and, as I have said, that must have something to do with the way you manage your work - leaving everything for the evening and the week-end. I generally come home to a stressed household and, no, that is not helpful. I have learnt to cope. 

Last week, four days running, you had our son in tears - one more day and I would have said that if you want him to grow up like a vegetable like me then keep on doing what you are doing. Or, alternatively, he will rebel completely.  

Where does all that anger come from? Was your mother as strident with all of you? 

As for 'deserve', what is it that you do not have? Find what you deserve by making space for yourself and not by controlling me/us.

Her response:

Since you ask what is that I do not have - I think I “deserve” something special for my birthday, our anniversary etc. and some “us” time. You - I am sure unconsciously - always go back to work on my birthday.  If you have wanted, you could have always gone back a day earlier and taken the day off.  You have never done it.  Did we do anything for my 40th?  No.  We could have gone to a nice restaurant in Marrakech.  But we did not.  In the past there has been at least one birthday where I even cooked dinner.   (Blog note from me: we were in Marrakech already … is that not spend? and look at my birthday from Dec 2014)  

Do you know why I never bother to spend my anniversary in London?  Because I know even if I am here we will not do anything special!  I did get an expensive ring for the 15th but that was simply because I sort of “forced” you.  (Blog note from me: have been to a West End show and dinner the last three years) 

I agree that our son is our first priority but that does not mean we do not do anything as a couple.  We could have easily left him at your brother’s and have gone off somewhere (even if it is somewhere nearby for the weekend).  (Blog note from me: she doesn’t like my sister-in-law – but ok to ask a favour?!)

But we have never done it.  In the evening, you would rather take him upstairs to his bed and lie down with him than chat with me…  During holidays / hotel stays, you would rather share the bed with him than me.  This time when we were in NYC, we could have done something special instead of a sub-standard meal at that Chinese restaurant. .   (Blog note from me: we were in NYC already … is that not spend?)  

As for the Christmas gift, you accuse me of blowing things out of proportion.  But you had left it till Christmas Eve when everything is in total chaos.  You had the time to go out with your colleagues for Christmas lunch in spite of your busy work schedule but it seems that I am your least priority.  It’s the same with the afternoon tea.  You know very well how much I always wanted to go for a proper English afternoon tea - have we ever been to one?  And when your colleagues go for a tea and write you a postcard about missing you, you proudly frame it.  I’m sure if we were in London, you would have surely gone with them.

That's fine M..

I am bad on presents but I like to think I make up on the daily help - or have done in the past.

Supporting you and P. has been my highest priority, not the lowest - but in substantive terms and not what I consider ephemeral. I suspect your friends would trade their presents for the many hours of lie-ins you have had over the years. I have clearly got that wrong and we have always been working at cross-purposes. It is relatively recently that I have given myself more time.

Nothing to do with your mail but I had planned to say that we could go to Rome in October, while you have a break - to Madrid for example - in the May half-term.

There is a history to this to do with how I feel you treat me and always have done but I have said all that before.

I do not want to go to holiday on my own.  I spend most of my waking hours on my own and holidays are family time.  Also there is no point going on holiday for the sake of it.  You don’t like my company and we do not have anything in common either.  You have no issues going to a cricket match with your team although they do not like / understand cricket but you will never dream of doing it with me. 

As for my friends, although it is tiring, they enjoy doing what they do as it is for their families.  I had no issues shopping and cooking for 12 people over the weekend - in fact I quite enjoyed it.  For once there were people to talk to.  BTW I’m sure I would have coped just as well if you were constantly travelling.  Rather than having a husband at home who does not even want to talk to you, starts every answer with “ugh”, it’s better to have one travelling.

I agree you do a lot of house work.  But if you ask around, you friends do lots of stuff around the house too (e.g. mowing, fixing stuff etc.).

Don’t you think it was bit weird to have a “house-warming” party at our house last summer without me?!  It seems all you care about it are your friends and the team.  Don’t you think it’s bit obsessive that you go to Facebook during office hours and put up stuff and tag them??!! 

 I respond to the accusations with facts:

You have been open and so let me be also.

You said the other day that you do not get a break from P. for 365 days of the year - well, I was offering you that break.  You have said 'no'.

Just like you said 'no' in the past to dresses, flowers, party/meal for your 40th that I had bought or offered. In the early years I often talked about babysitters but, again, you did nothing, which has obviously curtailed going out on a regular basis.

You talk about cricket. We went to a match once and you made it very clear that you did not want to repeat that experience. You have made no attempt to take up a hobby or any interest that allows you to interact with people - that has been your choice because you have plenty of time.

Yes, I am sure you would have coped if I had had a travelling job. But, let's talk about what really happened. Month after month, even after P. started all day school, I would come home and start a second shift whether that was cooking or clearing up or ironing or whatever and working till 10. Before we had a cleaner or gardener, I did it all. I began to think this was unfair and, starting with swimming, began to create more space for myself. Even a couple of days having to work late at the office - not social events - and there would be stress at home. Even recently, I had to beg off my own leaving party early.

You will remember perhaps that long before P. came along and we went out all the time, I used to joke about your episodes and wondered if that was how your girls’ school had trained its women in treating their husbands. So, my being afraid of your reaction(s) is not new. And I have pointed it out in the past rather than keep silent. I have tried humour, I have tried being simply subservient, I have tried grumpy - there is always a bad mood episode just around the corner.

We moved into the house on June 14th - the house was not ready by the time you left for summer holidays. I wanted the party when the weather was good and we could be outside. Had I waited for the last week-end in August, it would have been, 'we have one week-end free before school and you have to spend it with friends. Why could you not do it earlier?' So, no, I did not consider the party to be weird. And, anyway, other than a couple, you treat all my other friends with disdain. So why should I stress you out on them?

The way you speak to me (and P.) is humiliating. And all these things build up.

You will not accept this but I am confident that I have prioritised home over work. I was determined not to be the dad who gets home after everyone has gone to sleep or a dad who is out four days of the week, a dad who is absent and not involved in the home - and I have been fortunate in being able to do so.

I know I add real value but, in fact, it is only my friends who make me feel that I am valued - and that has always been the case.

For lots of reasons, I have failed in making you happy. Much of your focus is on the outside. Beds are made on the day that our cleaner comes. You worry about looking good but when at home with us you spend the whole day in your pyjamas if we are not going out. Never late for friends but always 15-30 minutes late if we are going out.

 Rarely ironing but taking ironing to my parents. Those shoes in the guest room, the suitcase in the lounge, the receipts all over the floor - all moved only when people are coming and yet you require very different standards from us. There appears to be this demand to be admired and liked.

 If you feel that you have received less than you deserve, trust me, so do I.

But this, I am sure, happens to lots of couples. You are the victim and the hero in your story, I am in mine. I used to feel guilty about how you felt but that is no longer the case because, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

You need to de-couple your happiness from anything that I can do for you - ignore me. For me, all I appeal for is that I do not come home evening after evening to a weeping child and an angry mother - that relationship is nothing to do with me and, believe me, he is now 9 and he will start to react and remember.

Where does the future lead? I do not know. I am sure we can be grown up about this. You are wrong to think I do not care; I do but have been burned too often. For holidays, I will not, therefore, book Madrid but will book October in Rome as I cannot afford to take a week off in May.

Break can mean couple / family time.  You sending me on holiday is your way of getting rid of me and ticking off an item on your list of duties. 

From next year, P has the option of going away for a week / 5 days with the school.  If he goes on a trip, will you ever think of us going away somewhere?  I am sure you will come up with some very practical excuse like what if they have to return early for some reason, what if P. falls ill, what if they try to contact us etc.  You always take your holidays when P is on holiday.  You probably feel that it is your duty to give me a break.  But have you ever thought of taking a day off when P is at school to spend it with me?

I doubt you will ever dream of doing what your brother did - taking his wife to Morocco for their 15th anniversary.  Even for our 20th, when P will be 14-15, you will never do any such thing.  How can you ask others for a favour to look after P.?  Better not to do anything. 

All this would not have happened if you bothered to spend “quality” time with me.  How many times have we gone out for a special meal?  I am not counting meals at Wagamama etc.  You did try with the two lunches.  I could sense that you did it just out of some sense of duty / guilt than enjoyment. 

Please do not fool yourself.  You did not have the option to continue with a multi-national (and travel constantly).  You did not turn down a job offer because of the long hours / travelling.  Also you think I am not capable so you have to be there.

Have you ever wondered the kind of friends / people who “value” you?  All your colleagues who are in awe of you have very complicated personal lives (J’s partner with her children, B. who is single and has all the time in the world), your cousin M. with her baggage of problems, P. with her dying sister etc.  Do you have any friends who you think value you and have a “normal” life with a spouse, kids, family etc?

There is no point in thinking about Rome in October now.  No point in going away just for the sake of it.  All you enjoy about holidays, is spending time with P. which you can do at home anyway without wasting money.  You are not keen about sightseeing anyway.

A few days later:

 Dear M.

I think – though you may not agree – that one of the issues has been about my trying to find things that will please you and be up to your standard. And this is a moving target …. but let that be bygones.

So I have decided to do things that I might enjoy and I hope you will join me. Vice versa also applies.

Please have a look at this stand-up comic.

This is on in May half term.
1.    I will book two tickets for this – I hope you will go with me

2.    I am looking into a cottage or a B&B in the New Forest for the May half-term. Something I want to do as it is supposed to be very beautiful

3.    Later in the summer I will book Rome because I want to visit, not out of duty

I feel downtrodden, you feel neglected – we have to move on.

Can we make an effort?

I am more than happy with all the suggestions.  Before you book Rome, just let me know as I might have enough airmiles for one person.