146: 20 years - Anniversary

It was our 20th marriage anniversary yesterday  - 15th August.  We have two dates - one for the registry wedding and one a week later for the ceremonial one.

Ok, in the past, often she has been in India on long holidays with her parents over this period and so I have not had to think about the day. 

But then, of course, she 'knew' - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2015/09/in-her-words-and-some-in-mine.html - that I would not do anything and that was why she was in India!

Since the time of our 'troubles' I have been conscious to book an expensive meal and sometimes a show. I have still got into trouble for not posting pictures on Facebook!!

So, this year I said that for the 15th of August, she should book the restaurant. My mother would be staying with us and so we could easily go out - just she and I. She agreed.

Nothing happened.

And then I hear,'your mother says that she wants to take us out for dinner.' 

'We do not have to do that,' I respond,'we can go out.' Previous years I would have insisted on us going out for fear of her reaction but this time I did not - left it to her. My mother would not have objected if told that we wanted to go out on our own. 

In the meantime, I have booked a show for the 22nd for all three of us. And, to be fair, she has been fine about being taken out by my mother - saying that she and I can go out another day; a very reasonable attitude.

I was swimming the other day and a thought occurred. To mark the landmark anniversary we had gone away for a hugely expensive holiday - an African safari. But that probably was not going to be enough was it? I decided not to take the risk and ordered some expensive jewellery in addition!! So far, so good - mood is fine. But no, 'oh, I was not expecting this, you should not have - after all that we spent on the holiday.'

For the Facebook update issue, I took a couple of photographs because she wanted to and sent them to her by WhatsApp. I have not yet seen on FB - and if I'm challenged, I will once again say, 'why does it have to be me all the time?!'

On the face of it, things are good between us right now and all is calm and even fun. In my head and heart, of course, nothing has changed and I have lost all connection. Even if I did love, whether a picture appeared on FB or not would not matter to me. But what if it did matter? Why, indeed, does it have to be me all the time? Anyway, didn't matter ever, doesn't matter now.

As I was walking to work today, I began to think that it would be fascinating to do a study on a mix of husbands - to see what they feel. Many of the dads at my son's school are white, English and far more successful than me. Do they feel they are slaves? Do they feel under-appreciated? Do they need validation? In brief, drunken, Christmas party conversations it has seemed that they have similar stories but would be fascinating to know.

Onward ...