72: Counselling - why?

A lack of 'performance' in the bedroom and I am forced to go the doctors - 'you clearly no longer like me but get yourself checked out.'

The 'ideal' result comes back, there is a potential medical reason as testosterone is low. (Later turns out there is no medical reason - a second test and levels are normal.)

At this point I break down in front of the doctors and ask to be referred for counselling.

What drives me particularly is that I have a dream about taking pills to commit suicide and another one about being in a plane going down and crashing - and me seeing it from the inside and being aware. In both cases I survive. What is worrying is that I rarely remember dreams and I have never dreamt on this subject before.

My pulse which had dropped to 66 over the summer when she was away is continuously elevated.

Death - which has always scared me, particularly since my headmaster died - would now seem a relief.

I know I won't go there but nor is it healthy to even think of such things.

The person from the counselling service confirmed that I had done all the things they would advise people suffering from depression should do: write a diary, share with friends, get exercise, make some space ....

'What you really want is someone to look at your life dispassionately - as your friends will be biased - and perhaps suggest how you can protect yourself, be more selfish?'

I am in the queue for help.

A cousin has suggested energy healing and I have looked on the internet but they do not seem credible and expense will be an issue too.

In the meantime, I have to close my mind as much as I can and try to earn a living.

71: What I really think but cannot say

I cannot say because it may be too hurtful for you. You have never held back and have dealt – and deal – in a currency that is unbelievably harsh but I have desisted and only let out my feelings in this blog.

This is just a rant but I have to get it out. Random things from all over the place.

 For you perhaps, the big things over-rule the small ones. So, I can be a distant, unhelpful husband but if the presents are expensive enough, that’s ok? I am different. For me, it is the small things that matter and no amount of big things compensate for that – in fact, I do not need big things.

 So, I found some old notes in my phone – perhaps you have read it in your routine examinations of my phone. They date from about nine months back:

Have said again and again from almost the start of our marriage – ‘what happens once a month’ that you lose all control? And you know I wasn’t being facetious about your periods. So it is not as if I have not brought your anger to your attention.

 For many years I requested that you do not spend long hours on the computer in bed while I am trying to sleep - no change (current note: better in the new house)

 Have said about farting loudly or in bed - no change

 Have said about shower head - no change (current note: took a year and a half to leave the shower head the way it should be so it does not leak)

Have said about double standards in terms of tidiness and timeliness - no change 

Leave potty marks and period marks - no change

Where was ‘us and a couple’ (your words) when for month after month you ignored me

Where was ‘us and a couple’ when I would come home, do dinner and then do housework till 10. 

I have sometimes stayed at home - for example when putting up pictures. Far from cheery help, you mostly did Facebook and then you kept criticising my cleaning - you could have helped

I had months of disaster warning when I invited a large group around. I succeeded without drama. 

You say you can cope. But two evenings late due to work and there was stress. 6 years I did nothing but work, work and work at work and at home.

I decided to start Boxfit recently – drama about dinner in time. So, I stopped.

 I have prioritised home and got kicked in the teeth. 

‘us and a couple’ needs respect, not constant haranguing. You do it to your parents. I remember your saying to your mum, ‘It’s not as if you cook very well.’ And all in that strident voice of yours.

 I don’t buy you gifts? Generally, completely pooh poohed or exchanged – don’t care about that but you would have if I had reacted in that way.

 You believe in hints. So to increase couple friends I have suggested J and N, E and K, F and I coming for dinner - nothing. Neighbours - nothing. Why do hints only work one way?

When we went out frequently in D. and P. and we did not have a child, were you better? No. I was always waiting for the next blow up.

At the beginning of our marriage, you said you ‘hated’ my sister-in-law. That may have abated but I remained on tenterhooks every time we met. It was a good thing we lived in different countries for many years.

With my cousin, you said to her, ‘Oh he loves you more than he loves me, he went to the shops with you.’ Someone I see once every four years I am entitled. You didn't let me go to the airport with her even though that was the trip where she lost her mother.

And you became angry because she used too many towels – and probably still are fourteen years later.

‘She hugged you more than she hugged me’ - and I had to sit next you all evening at my cousin’s engagement party.

 You are crazy over living in P. now but it was a nightmare then.

 You said that I buy gifts for my god-daughter and not my son. That was one battle – to my shame – I decided not to take on and have completely neglected my god-daughter.

 It is humiliating the way you behave with outsiders and the different way you behave with us inside the house.

We are stupid and have to be controlled. 

And ok I neglect you and so I get that. But our son? The constant drama with a lovely, fantastic boy.

You are aggressive towards those closest to you.

It is all about control. I do not want clothes for Christmas, yet you insist. Actually I do not need anything as I spend money on the gym and golf. I work on what is important to me in looking good. Losing weight and getting fit. 

I am unable to please you historically. This weekend there is a good film out. Our only option is to go to my parents and see it on sat or sun evening. Is that good? Is that bad? Do I need to think of something else? I have no idea what will please you.

There is clearly some sort of insecurity deep within you. You do not know what you want. 

 I have said, ‘I give up. Tell me or do it yourself. Do not wait.’

 Let go of anger, let go of double standards, find some stimulation. And things will be better. 

6 April

Booked resto dinner for last night - you postponed because of friend. The drama if I had done that would not be worth thinking about

 Went to lunch at a nice restaurant – you end up complaining about the kids there. Graceless. 

7 April - I made the effort of ‘a couple’. Watching together on TV. Finished with our son P. early. You stayed on Facebook through the whole time. 

I looked up dates from last year because you say I go out all the time:

 27 March – official farewell (work)

 03 April - purely social 

July 17 - you on holiday or would have gone

Aug - you on holiday or would have gone

10 Sep - 50th birthday for work colleague

19 Sep – retirement party for work colleague

 16 Oct - asked permission to go to an extra evening – drink with colleagues in a new department

17 Oct - my leaving do from my old team. Had to leave my own party early because you were angry

11 Dec - Christmas party

 So, six social events in a year and you would have gone to two of those had you been in town. Is that too many?

Current note

You talked in the summer about work and expect a high paying, fulfilling role to come knocking on your door simply because you have a degree. Life ain’t like that.

 You think it beneath you to try and start as a volunteer or admin. – ‘I have nothing in common with those people.’

 When you have worked, I have seen you work. You will do the minimum necessary. You have no motivation or real desire to work.

You used to say that my mother could have worked instead of complaining if she had only wanted to. Does that not apply to you? And you have far more opportunity than my mum. I say to you, just like our friends M. and S. and many others, you could have worked if you had wanted.

To turn around now and say that you have sacrificed for our son’s sake is a travesty of the truth – you have made your choices and we should not bear the brunt of your regrets.

You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why shoud I if all you can do is insult?

You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 (You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.

 You have lost me. I have tried for many, many years – I cannot go on.

 In the early posts on this blog, I can see that I’ve written things like, ‘What do I do? I have a commitment. I must put my head down and carry on.’

No more.

 Let us hope you do not also lose our son.

 Do you know that on those evenings you go out with your friends, we have the most lovely time? A bit of work, dinner, a game or two and then quiet reading. Unlike the stress that exists when you are around.

Our son – unlike me – is a bounce-backer and in that sense more like you. He will take your punishment and then be as cheerful as before but how long will he carry on like that?

Do you note the times he asks why you have to scold him all the time? When his shoulders slump and his face becomes small at yet another harangue? When he is afraid as you stomp up the stairs? When I have had to take him to one side and, once, out for a drive just to calm him down? When after you have had a go at me, how he comes across and gives me a spontaneous hug?

How does someone become so angry and so hurtful to those she can cause the most damage to?
How?

For six months in 2011 you virtually did not speak to me. Now I know the reason why – a friend (of both of us) from Brussels had come around on your birthday and we did not go out especially for you. So I look at my blog for my last birthday: Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time. Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.

When I suggest a particular restaurant in town for your birthday, you say it is 'too cheap.'

I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others but those at home are treated like shit, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to you  - suitcases not unpacked for eight weeks….

You have a cleaner, a trouble free son and a low maintenance husband and you do not have to go out to a job – so why are you working till 10 and saying you have no time?

You have bashed the car around and it has bumps and scrapes all over. I say nothing. And yet you tell me and your son off if we forget to switch off a light. You lose a diamond earring and that is not a problem but our son gets an earful for a small mishap.

You have said that I should be ashamed of my lack of a pay rise. Whatever you say cannot take away the ten years that I have had with our son and the relationship that I have with him. Get lost for all I care.

You try to control what I wear, call me a tramp. I say nothing.

You know that other wives often have to cancel dinners, lately several have had to go back to work or are told to be careful about money – you have never, never had that with me. Your life, my life, your decisions, my decisions - I am sorry it has not worked out.

I give up.

 

70: Fair

The divorce discussion was traumatic and happened on my birthday while our son was away for the week-end.

I said that perhaps we should keep this to ourselves until after the Christmas and New Year holidays as we were spending it with my brother's family and it was not fair on them or the cousins.

'Fair?! When will someone be fair on me? I gave up friends to marry you and move abroad ...' and then the usual things about not getting presents and so on and so on.

Not fair? Really?

She has had full independence to lead her life

(as for friends, she could not wait to get out of her home town, speaks disdainfully about most of her friends and married of her own volition (albeit in an arranged marriage) someone who lived abroad)

She has had full autonomy to make decisions

As any normal partner would do, I have treated her as an adult

I have provided full support to lead the life she wants

And I continue to do so. In the summer there was much drama about finding work. She expects a high paying, fulfilling role to come rushing to her just because of her precious degree from a top university. She applied a couple of times and got neither but that is not surprising - you have to try and try and try.

I gave her a contact in the Red Cross, introduced them over e-mail and my acquaintance was happy to help. Has she got in touch with my contact in the last five months? No ....

What can I do?

She has had full autonomy to build her life as she would like – P. and I should not have to bear the brunt of her frustrations.

69: Things have reached a head - am broken

I thought I had deleted a Christmas party picture from my phone but, clearly, I had not. It was a picture of two of my close friends and me – one of them being the one she thinks I am having an affair with.  

I happened to leave the phone at home one day, she went into the phone, looked through the pictures, found it, blew up and asked for a divorce. 


(March 2016 note: Now I know that I had deleted the perfectly innocent, but incriminating in her eyes, picture. She would have gone into my phone and opened up a folder I did not even know existed - Recently Deleted Photos.)

Irony is that I did not even take the picture – it was sent from another phone and something must have happened in the messaging that it went into my photos folder.

 I wasn’t hiding. She knew I was going to a party with my old team and that they would be there.

You could argue that I should have refused the photograph or not gone to the party – the latter was what she said. But I have not told my friends the detail of our issues and feel no need to hunker down and be a slave; which  I have been guilty of before.

But, you know what – it was a blessing in disguise.

So, after thinking it over for a couple of days, I said ‘ok’ but that – for our son's sake, and to maintain his lifestyle – divorce was out of the question financially. But I could no longer take the constant anger and stress.

 

So, separate rooms and mental separation – I no longer want to worry about what she thinks.

Who knows where this will lead.

I know I am being cruel but I simply cannot cope any more.

I have been saying that I need to do something but have been at a loss as to what that could be - bizarrely, she is the one who has now given me the idea.

 

 

68: Our Son, our lovely, lovely son

Our son this week-end wants to do his homework with me.

'No. If you do that, do not expect any help from me.

'You can get your things ready for school, don't expect me to drive you everywhere.'

He was made to feel small, small, small.

But run of behaviours is not as bad as it has been - http://dear-confidant.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/change-of-target-from-me-to-our-son.html#!/2015/03/change-of-target-from-me-to-our-son.html - and so I let it go.

Reminds me of Christmas 2014 where she had got some free tickets for a film on Boxing Day - 26th December. But our son was really tired after a week-end away and said that he did not want to go.

'Ok don't go - but if you don't, you will not go to this film at all.'

So a tired, nine year old kid had to go to an 8:30 pm show - for a ticket that was free.

One evening a whole diatribe was streaming down the stairs and all our son (P.) could do was put his head into my chest until the storm abated.

The other evening he was reading a book in bed in the evening. 'I have to make the bed. You have to move.' He did not. Then, an explosion. 'You HAVE to do as I say - I do all the work.' The bed could not have been made sometime during the day? (As it happens, beds are only made if the cleaner is coming.)

From a previous post:

The other morning - a Sunday - our son did his piano practice with me in the room. She then strutted in and shouted, 'You haven't done this and that and that and that.' He kept saying he had but she was vicious in her condemnation. So he burst out crying and said to me, 'she always does this, I play something and she says I have not.'

Previously I may have asked him to play again. But, this time, I asked whether he truly, truly had. He said 'yes' and so I continued to cuddle him. The look she gave me could only be described, again, as vicious. Another evening I heard him say, 'will you please stop scolding me constantly?'

Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.

'You clearly haven't shampooed properly - this bit is dry.' 'I have.' 'Don't lie, no you haven't.' At which point I walk into the room and show her a photograph of a head full of shampoo - which I had taken as a precaution as she would not believe him. If you're not going to be believed at any point then, soon, you will start to get away with things. I have told him that I trust him and will believe him - but he must not abuse that trust by not - for example - brushing his teeth. He does things faithfully if only he is allowed to do things and not under an assumption that he has gamed/cheated - something he will start doing and she just will not know!!

P. made a film-in-a-day. He does not want to show that to his mum – just share with me.

I do not say anything to P. against his mother. But I cannot describe how difficult it is.
 

Another evening she said, ‘Storm Desmond (a very large recent strom) will blow you away if you don’t listen to me.’P.’s response was, ‘No, it won’t. It will blow you away and baba and I will live happily ever after.’

I have to protect him and protect myself. I should have been stronger a long time ago.

67: Clearly A Failure

Yesterday I get home and she tells me about a dad from school who had been offered  a role in Singapore, Shanghai or Houston. The obvious implication being that he was more successful than me and that I was clearly a failure.

No doubt the failure bit is true - comparatively speaking - but is that a supportive partner? You think I am imagining this?

The conversation carries on:

'Are you applying for any jobs right now?'

No

'What is your designation now? 'Head of ..' like you were before or just a 'Manager?'

Manager

'What about your friends?'

No response from me.

'Are you going to the gym on Monday evening?'

Probably not as I have a meeting with my big boss.

'How old is he?'

Mid to late 50s I suppose.

'At least he is not younger than you.'

Where do I go with this? Have I really provided such a  poor and deprived life?

I am earning more than £100k per annum and her lack of control means that this is not quite enough - and I am trying to go higher. But it is all attack, attack, attack.

In contrast, I wake up the next morning, come out of our room and get a 'daaaaad' from our son who is already awake, a huge smile and massive hug.

I have a son who loves me, valued friends, family members who appreciate me and provide me with support. Am I that bad a person?

This is not how I imagined my life panning out.

66: Low Tesosterone - and sympathy (not)

I went to the doctors for my erectile dysfunction and a marginally low level of testosterone was diagnosed.

This was virtually the ideal result – so ‘lack of performance’ was not down to psychological issues and what she would perceive as her fault. She was happy I am sure.

The Next Cutting Comment

Through my teens and twenties I did not have a girlfriend. Blame me, blame my Asian background – this is not an uncommon story. The women whom I did like, I lacked the confidence to do anything about so as not to threaten a friendship. A good friend’s mum asked him whether I was gay?!

I had written diaries in my teens but in my twenties I wrote a lot of letters to friends and relations. The feedback that I’ve had from them has always been appreciative and positive. Being somewhat lonely, I suppose the letters helped me and were enjoyed by others.

Now, there used to be a writer called James Thurber who always kept copies of his correspondence. Partly inspired by this, I also kept copies of what I wrote and retained the ones I received. They became my diary. A little strange perhaps but a chronicle of sorts – and we would today use Facebook maybe.

‘Did the GP ask you whether you had had girlfriends when you were young? If your friend had been a GP he would have. Your friends should be told about this. This explains it. Instead of chasing after girls, you were writing letters and keeping photocopies – how weird is that.’

So…

Where she wanted sympathy for a potential early menopause, the nearest male equivalent evinces the response above.

Does depression lead to low testosterone or does low testosterone lead to depression? Whichever it may be, I am there ....

65: Bits and Pieces

Time
I come home and say, ‘there is a free aqua class you can try on Sunday at the gym.’

‘What time is it at?’ Swiftly followed by, ‘I can’t go anyway – housework does not get done by itself.’

Now, even if I were a useless slob who could not clean, iron and cook, a full time housewife should be able to juggle to get away for an hour on a Sunday. No? Martyrdom again.

Social

‘We used to go out more with your old team. They were a lot more inclusive of partners.’ (about 4 occassions over two years)

She is talking pre-2005 when we did not have a child. Obviously, we could join in as a couple at that time.

Then, post-baby, for about 7 years, we were both effectively home bound as she refused – despite my suggestion – to use babysitters.

Since then, I have given myself a little more time. But I checked the other day and it was only about 4 times in a year.

But, in any case, with the team that she resents:

she came along to Frisbee but sat there and read a book and did not participate – while my son and I played.

we have been to J.’s house twice for dinner / barbecue

we have been to R.s house for a party

we would have gone to C.’s house had she not been in India.

we would have gone to  B.’s house had she not been in India.

Again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story. But I really could not be bothered to argue.

Money
She has now started to tell me how much she spends.

'£X on his birthday party - I got a Groupon offer'; ‘only 44p for the dress – I had a £10 token – I did not buy new.’

I have never, NEVER, asked her for accounts. She has spent without any bar. We are adults, we should be a partnership, we should be able to take joint responsibility – that has always been my attitude.

But, it if pleases her to do this as part of her suffering, humiliation and martyrdom – so be it.

I really can’t be bothered with all this - I am beyond all this but cannot leave.

64: Appointments and Assignations - whom do I meet?

So I was taken to task for having spoken to B. over the phone.

I thought I would take a quick look at my diary. Over the last four weeks or so:

Spoke to B. over the phone as she has been very unwell and not in the office

L. (older female – catch up and drinks)

R. (male – coffee re: possible new opportunity)

S. (male – coffee re: bringing him in to a new opportunity)

P. (male – catch – up breakfast over work issues)

C. (male – breakfast to help with an interview)

R. (male – lunch – general catch up)

J. (male – walk to discuss next steps for his career)

 

P. (male - discussing 360 review for him and how he is starting a new role)

G. (male - discussing 360 review for him)

D. (male - gone to another organisation - breakfast catch-up)

M. (female - colleague from an old team - catch-up and support)

I do not think I am duty bound to clear every meeting I have.

B. is just one of several friends whom I meet and try to help or get help from.

But what is the point of debating all that – why let facts get in the way of a good story?

With one of the above (a male) I shared some of my travails. He then sent me a message - obviously unprompted:

Morning. Feeling a bit useless that I can't do more to help but don't forget, here to help in any way I can. In all the time I've known you, you have always looked out for everyone else. That's a rare and special quality and I am grateful to be a prime beneficiary. Chin up Mr B. You're a good man with good friends to support you.

Oh, and I suddenly found my wallet emptied the other day. Presumably she was looking for receipts that would show that I had spent money on B.? Found nothing suspicious because there is nothing going on.

Reminds me that many years ago she did find a receipt for a gift token I had bought for my god-daughter who must have been 12 or so about then.

'You buy gifts for your god-daughter but not for your son.'

Really?!!! Anyone who knows us will know how much of an insult and travesty that is.

(I think this was driven from the fact that the god-daughter's mother - who was my friend initially - is somehow not liked by M. - too provincial. But there is an excuse not to like virtually any of my friends - so nothing new there.)

But, to my shame, I said nothing, hunkered down and did not buy another present and, for sure, have neglected my god-father duties. But there were just so many harangues I could take without adding another one.

Maybe I will explain to C. one day...

63: Letter to my cuz - not sent

A letter I almost wrote and sent to my cousin who is nearest to me in age, and with whom I have shared confidences in the past.

Dear X

Not sure why I am writing this letter. Perhaps I am thinking back to a simpler time when I used to write to you – a time when all of life was ahead and decisions were full of possibilities to be looked forward to rather than mistakes to regret.

It is a Saturday evening and M. and P. are upstairs. I was doing some work, when I felt like writing. It’s been another traumatic day in a long line of traumatic days. She continues to accuse me of having had an affair with a colleague / friend. I continue to say, ‘I have not’ – and I truly haven’t. Yes, I have used her as a confidant and she has shared stuff with me but there is only friendship. She accused me the other day of having done something to my Facebook account that ensured that stuff she put on with both her and me could not be seen. I showed her that I had made no changes. That my friend was no longer a Facebook ‘friend’. None of that was good enough. So I lost my temper and said that she could stay in her world – there was nothing I could do about it. Surely I am not such a bad person.

In the midst of all this shit, I have to work, keep my job and earn a living. Over the summer she suddenly decided that she wanted to work. Having been out of the market for so long, possibly an administrative role would be appropriate – I didn’t dare say this, a recruiter did. But, no, with her fucking Cambridge degree, that would be beneath her. She suggested that I really would not be happy if someone from a low grade university came along to do my job. How could I explain that, firstly, in England, the origin of a degree ceases to matter within months of starting work. And, secondly, I, personally, couldn’t give a shit where people studied so long as they do good work. How is a degree of 25 years ago even minutely relevant?

Have you heard of anyone who decides which gym to go to based on the fact that there are private school mums there rather than state school ones?!!!!

I tried to help by making a contact with a friend in an NGO – someone who likes helping people. Has she been in touch with her? Has she fuck….

The only way I can function and work productively is ignore what it going on at home. I have always put home first and work second – and been fortunate enough to be able to do that while meeting material needs. And I believed I had met my objectives of being a close dad and a supportive husband. But I clearly failed in the latter.

This evening she was unwell and so, initially, I offered to cook. ‘No.’ I offered to clear up and suggested she go up to bed. ‘No, I am ok now. I have to do this anyway ….’. Later she asks, ‘Are you going downstairs to work?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Ok, so I can watch what I want.’ Where does this victimhood come from? Where have I ever imposed my views or been less than helpful?

This from a woman who never vacuumed even when we did not have our son. Never cleaned the toilets, hardly ironed. I did all that. I did the night feeds, stayed up when our son was ill or woke up, cut his hair, read bed-time stories. We have a cleaner now and have had for ten years. So where is the stress? Where is this martyrdom?

I know I am not being very supportive psychologically and that is because I have lost all capacity to be empathetic/sympathetic. I have given it my all and been found wanting. But, physically, I am making an effort. By going to the gym, I was accused of having ‘fun.’ So I’ve stopped and am supporting her going. I continue to do most of the ironing. I have changed roles and moved away from the friends she was jealous of – though I have said that I will continue to be friends. I am, like I have done before, drawing in on myself again when these last few years I have tried to make some space for myself. But I owe this to our son because I cannot give him up or leave him to her mercies.

Currently, of course, she believes I have been having an affair with B.. Not true. But, as I pointed out, I have a letter from about 2000 where she used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law. Then came the friend I used to share a house with, you, other friends and so on and so on - jealousy and anger. She does not know what will make her happy and only control will do. And any closeness with others is a threat.

Is there any scenario out of this? I cannot afford to divorce without reducing our son’s lifestyle and that would be unfair. Could she find someone else and leave us? Oh, to dream of such a moment.

62: Is this a balanced person?

‘There are a couple of long phone calls in your account – give me your phone.’

It’s B.’s number. You promised you would not call.’

‘I did not. I said I would not be giving up my friends for you.’

(this is two calls over four weeks by the way - I assume an affair would have calls every day and probably from my work phone rather than my personal one which is open to her?)

‘You have cheated on me with her.’

‘I have used her as a confidant, yes. But there is nothing other than friendship.’

‘She is trying to entrap you.’

‘No she is not – we are friends. And you have done this time and again with other people, long before B. turned up.’

(I have been having some problems on the sexual front – erectile dysfunction.)

‘No doubt you have talked to her about your impotence as well?’

‘No.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me this when we got married?’

‘What?’

‘That you are impotent. Of course you are not having an affair – you are impotent.’

‘You have clearly told me I am a failure in every sense. I cannot think about that if I have to function and earn a living.’

‘What is wrong with her?’

‘She does not know.’

‘Hope she dies. But then you will be heartbroken.’

61: Huge row - getting worse

One of the reasons I have not mentioned the thrown away cards has been because she is not entirely well right now. It is likely that she is going threw an early menopause. And I do not want to be in any way unfriendly right now. (25 Sep update - she is not, it was a delayed period)

But then she sends me this e-mail and:

In case you want to read or have not googled already - http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/menopause/Pages/Supportyourpartner.aspx

I respond

I had already googled.

I am happy to take on more load - as I have offered for this week-end for example. (Blog note: we have family coming around)

More cooking? Perhaps stock up over the week-end.

Take over washing duties? Happy to do so.

More responsibility for homework? No problem.

Cleaning up in the evening? No issues.

I genuinely want to help ...

I get home and am told that she will, ‘speak to me later.’

So, as we are going to bed, the diatribe starts. It is not about work, it is about acknowledging her. Why had I lied to her about confiding in someone? Why do I not praise her in front of others? The accusation of being obsessed with my friend B.. How the e-mail to B. clearly showed that I was in love. When walking to a restaurant, why was I walking in front of her and not with her? Why did I not share the Facebook update?

I lost my temper and asked her whether she had any idea how she treats me like shit? And I had never reacted until now. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make her happy.

‘Why do you still have that LinkedIn blog up there?’

‘Why not? It’s about work issues.’

‘And you don’t exactly do great work. Aren’t you ashamed that you’ve not had a pay rise for five years? Anyone doing a proper job would not have so much time for friends. People go to work not for friends. Don’t kid yourself that you are in a serious job.’

I said that I have been fortunate in not having to chop and change and met my commitments at home. That is not a sacrifice – that just is. And you are wrong about work – it is entirely about people.

(I didn’t say that I have been earning between £95 - £100k for the last ten years. Not out of this world but ok. And I have combined this with being a dad and a supportive husband. That I have had time for friends because, over time, the colleagues I interacted with daily became friends.)

I continued to say that if you tell people that somehow you are neglected, people will laugh. In terms of holidays and presents … people will laugh.

‘So where is my anniversary present then?’

‘Theatre and expensive dinner wasn’t enough?!’

‘You always object to receiving Christmas presents?’

‘That’s because I spend money on golf and cricket during the year and that is enough. And spending to buy this house, more than £30k on improvements – is that not money? Why is it only me who has to worry about finance. Do you have no contribution.’

I mentioned that she had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law many, many years ago. That, if not her, it would be other friends or relations, anyone who was close. It is just a pattern and I really do not know what to do.

Then she went off on another rant and I walked out of the bedroom.

She came after me as if to hit me, snatched my phone away and threw it across the room. ‘Is this how you show empathy?’

I had to admit that I no longer have the energy to show sympathy. I have to work, I have to earn, I have to survive and I just do not know what to do.

60: No Bust Up but …

Another traumatic week-end in a long line of traumatic week-ends.

Our son is going away for a week in March with school.

We had had some idea that we could too; this was in pleasanter times.

So, suddenly, she says that we could go to California. A bit far for a week but she does not want to go to Europe and SE Asia is even further away.

‘We never go anywhere.’ – USA East Coast, Prague, Marrakech, Spain, France in addition to India come to mind in the last few years
‘We don’t buy any presents.’ – Tiffany’s ring, multi-hundred pound handbags, multi-hundred pound shoes, clothes, pearl earrings …

‘We do nothing, we should be able to spend some money.’

I let all that go and did not say anything other than mild acceptance that we could go – only money after all, though we are struggling to make ends meet. Is it just my responsibility to keep us whole? Nothing from her in terms of where we could possibly save some money?

What about the lovely house we live in? The many thousands that we have poured into it? The good school that our son goes to? Is that not spend? Or does all that not count?

Then, in throwing some papers away from a bin, I noted that a couple of cards that my old team had given me had been put in there. This had been done without my asking or telling me.

Work is about building relationships. It was very kind of my team to give me a present when they left me and the thoughts expressed were appreciative of how we had worked together. Why was she throwing these away?!

But there is a pattern. At the very start of our marriage, she had thrown away a coffee mug that had been a present from a girl I had shared the house with – a friend. A tea coaster that harked back to a funny incident and presented by my cousin was similarly jettisoned. A collage frame with pictures of my cousin and me has been in a box and not allowed to be displayed.

It is all about control and I should lose my temper but I hold back. Why?

59: To be fair - source of some of her anger

To be fair, there are other sources of anger and some of it is my fault.

In one of our arguments she asked me whether I had shared our issues with anyone else. I, of course, said ‘no’ as saying ‘yes’ would have started off all sorts of ructions.

Then, stupidly, I left my Facebook open one day and she saw that I had exchanged notes with my friend B. This, she felt, was a betrayal and accused me of having had an affair with B. Though B.’s advice was about being patient and kind and empathetic. And of course we are friends only.

Then, somehow, she got into my Hotmail and found an e-mail that I had written to B. – an e-mail I had forgotten about.

To set the context, B. was part of a cult for many, many years. There had been abuse. B. was going through a traumatic time leaving the organisation and had shared confidences with me. She was wondering whether to go public and publish a blog. I responded as below:

Oh B. 

This is not a text conversation or an email one and I am rubbish on the phone.

Most definitely - it seems to me - you need to let go. That could be writing it all down, speaking to someone, meditation, whatever. But this needs to be in your own time when your gut tells you to and the mode that suits.

What you were treated to was horrendous. Criminal, shameful, deceitful, hypocritical and, should there be such a thing, sinful. Nothing spiritual about it - simply the fantasies of a repressed piece of slimy shit whose position corrupted what little humanity he may have had in the first place.

You're a great person B. Clever, kind, generous - the best of what we can be. The question is how you can leave further behind that which you already have moved away from? You've been lucky to find a good neighbour and her idea is wise but,  it appears to me, this is not Hollywood and our minds are not switches. I cannot imagine that it is possible to forget or ever rationalise what was done - it happened because he was evil and nothing can balance that. It appears to me that all you can do is put one step in front of the other and, in sporting parlance, control the controllables and for most of your time not let the poison seep through from past.

But those are just words. The struggle is your's but if I can help in any way by listening without interrupting tell me when and where and I'll be there - would invite you over but that would be burdening you as it is a long way. But happy to go the other way if you want to talk and you're always welcome.
Ach B. I love you to bits and I cannot imagine the horror of what you have been through. Thank you for sharing. Have you decided on publishing? The man is gone - are these things still happening? If not, the imperative I would advise is you and what helps you. Somehow, metaphorically speaking, you need to take the pain inside, box up and let go. Publishing could help and the argument against will be that a lot of good people will be harmed. But, equally, a lot of good people who have suffered will be helped. You could tie yourself up in knots - so do what is good for you. If you choose not to, that is not copping out - it is moving on, not with any forgiveness but with strength; your leaving was enough of a signal and those with doubts will seek you out. On the other hand, if you feel you can better protect who you are, feel it important to rail against inhuman injustice and thereby support others by publishing then do so.

Dearest B. -  I am amazed that you are what you are despite the horror. You are truly lovely, I am proud to call you my friend and I wish I had a balm that could make this go away. How do you focus on the minutiae of life when you have this behind you?  Onwards and let the slime disappear in time.

Take care and always only a phone call away.
A.

From B:

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Got some stuff to work thru obviously, but I'm OK.  Really.  I'm a fighter.  Those were prob my most raw thoughts on it all.
 
Just a bit taken aback by the fact that sometimes things seep out of the cupboards we put them in.  We can't compartmentalise as effectively as we would like.  Still not sure if I've been having panic attacks.  Don't feel ready to own that fact. When Phil came to pick me up at A&E the look on his face told me that he thought something or judged me in some way but there was so much going on and he couldn't see more than the tip of the iceberg.  I felt very stupid and it hurt. 
 
I think I prob do need to have a few sessions with a counsellor to just work it thru.  It's possible that some of it comes out even when I'm not even thinking about it. PTSD style.  It'll go soon I'm sure.  Just a temporary experience.
 
Main thing is I want to break away from anything victim-like ASAP ... I'm not a victim, that will be more of a painful thing to carry around than the original experience.  I'm strong and will easily get over this.  It's probably fucked my head enough to mean I'll never trust another man, but hey.  Collateral damage that may well save me from another set of pain!
 
All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well ... so they say.
 
Thanks for listening, but the best thing you can do for me is visualise me as strong, not weak.  I fought my way out and made all the difficult choices when MANY of my friends are stuck inside for the rest of their days ... I'll eventually catch up with where I could have been.
 
Onwards and upwards thru this life!
Only way.
With love
B

She picked on the expressions of love but not the bit about being a friend. I was trying to be supportive and I am sure B. did not take it as crossing any sort of boundary.

But words can always be misinterpreted I suppose. And how did she get into my e-mail anyway?!

58: In her words ... and some in mine

I wrote a piece on LinkedIn about ‘team spirit’ and how ‘everybody needs a Cheers (where everybody knows your name)’ to function well. I cited my previous teams at work and, indeed, my school. And how there was a convergence between good work and good team.

She reacted to this for some reason:
Just saw your post.  So obviously the facts that you don’t have to do most of the housework, most evenings there is food on the table, clothes are washed (most of the time), house is reasonably clean etc do not contribute to your success at work??!!  I do not expect you to go gaga over all the things I do as we have a clear and fair division of labour.  But if you are so appreciative of your colleagues, your friends from the gym, etc. don’t you think I deserve something??!!

My response as I had lost my temper by now:

The LinkedIn blog is about work and what is it that could create a good team. And whether good work creates a good team or vice versa. 

Work at home has never bothered me. I will happily do cleaning, washing, cooking. And I have done far more than others. 

It is the constant sniping and strident criticism and instructions. You are mostly stressed and, as I have said, that must have something to do with the way you manage your work - leaving everything for the evening and the week-end. I generally come home to a stressed household and, no, that is not helpful. I have learnt to cope. 

Last week, four days running, you had our son in tears - one more day and I would have said that if you want him to grow up like a vegetable like me then keep on doing what you are doing. Or, alternatively, he will rebel completely.  

Where does all that anger come from? Was your mother as strident with all of you? 

As for 'deserve', what is it that you do not have? Find what you deserve by making space for yourself and not by controlling me/us.

Her response:

Since you ask what is that I do not have - I think I “deserve” something special for my birthday, our anniversary etc. and some “us” time. You - I am sure unconsciously - always go back to work on my birthday.  If you have wanted, you could have always gone back a day earlier and taken the day off.  You have never done it.  Did we do anything for my 40th?  No.  We could have gone to a nice restaurant in Marrakech.  But we did not.  In the past there has been at least one birthday where I even cooked dinner.   (Blog note from me: we were in Marrakech already … is that not spend? and look at my birthday from Dec 2014)  

Do you know why I never bother to spend my anniversary in London?  Because I know even if I am here we will not do anything special!  I did get an expensive ring for the 15th but that was simply because I sort of “forced” you.  (Blog note from me: have been to a West End show and dinner the last three years) 

I agree that our son is our first priority but that does not mean we do not do anything as a couple.  We could have easily left him at your brother’s and have gone off somewhere (even if it is somewhere nearby for the weekend).  (Blog note from me: she doesn’t like my sister-in-law – but ok to ask a favour?!)

But we have never done it.  In the evening, you would rather take him upstairs to his bed and lie down with him than chat with me…  During holidays / hotel stays, you would rather share the bed with him than me.  This time when we were in NYC, we could have done something special instead of a sub-standard meal at that Chinese restaurant. .   (Blog note from me: we were in NYC already … is that not spend?)  

As for the Christmas gift, you accuse me of blowing things out of proportion.  But you had left it till Christmas Eve when everything is in total chaos.  You had the time to go out with your colleagues for Christmas lunch in spite of your busy work schedule but it seems that I am your least priority.  It’s the same with the afternoon tea.  You know very well how much I always wanted to go for a proper English afternoon tea - have we ever been to one?  And when your colleagues go for a tea and write you a postcard about missing you, you proudly frame it.  I’m sure if we were in London, you would have surely gone with them.

That's fine M..

I am bad on presents but I like to think I make up on the daily help - or have done in the past.

Supporting you and P. has been my highest priority, not the lowest - but in substantive terms and not what I consider ephemeral. I suspect your friends would trade their presents for the many hours of lie-ins you have had over the years. I have clearly got that wrong and we have always been working at cross-purposes. It is relatively recently that I have given myself more time.

Nothing to do with your mail but I had planned to say that we could go to Rome in October, while you have a break - to Madrid for example - in the May half-term.

There is a history to this to do with how I feel you treat me and always have done but I have said all that before.

I do not want to go to holiday on my own.  I spend most of my waking hours on my own and holidays are family time.  Also there is no point going on holiday for the sake of it.  You don’t like my company and we do not have anything in common either.  You have no issues going to a cricket match with your team although they do not like / understand cricket but you will never dream of doing it with me. 

As for my friends, although it is tiring, they enjoy doing what they do as it is for their families.  I had no issues shopping and cooking for 12 people over the weekend - in fact I quite enjoyed it.  For once there were people to talk to.  BTW I’m sure I would have coped just as well if you were constantly travelling.  Rather than having a husband at home who does not even want to talk to you, starts every answer with “ugh”, it’s better to have one travelling.

I agree you do a lot of house work.  But if you ask around, you friends do lots of stuff around the house too (e.g. mowing, fixing stuff etc.).

Don’t you think it was bit weird to have a “house-warming” party at our house last summer without me?!  It seems all you care about it are your friends and the team.  Don’t you think it’s bit obsessive that you go to Facebook during office hours and put up stuff and tag them??!! 

 I respond to the accusations with facts:

You have been open and so let me be also.

You said the other day that you do not get a break from P. for 365 days of the year - well, I was offering you that break.  You have said 'no'.

Just like you said 'no' in the past to dresses, flowers, party/meal for your 40th that I had bought or offered. In the early years I often talked about babysitters but, again, you did nothing, which has obviously curtailed going out on a regular basis.

You talk about cricket. We went to a match once and you made it very clear that you did not want to repeat that experience. You have made no attempt to take up a hobby or any interest that allows you to interact with people - that has been your choice because you have plenty of time.

Yes, I am sure you would have coped if I had had a travelling job. But, let's talk about what really happened. Month after month, even after P. started all day school, I would come home and start a second shift whether that was cooking or clearing up or ironing or whatever and working till 10. Before we had a cleaner or gardener, I did it all. I began to think this was unfair and, starting with swimming, began to create more space for myself. Even a couple of days having to work late at the office - not social events - and there would be stress at home. Even recently, I had to beg off my own leaving party early.

You will remember perhaps that long before P. came along and we went out all the time, I used to joke about your episodes and wondered if that was how your girls’ school had trained its women in treating their husbands. So, my being afraid of your reaction(s) is not new. And I have pointed it out in the past rather than keep silent. I have tried humour, I have tried being simply subservient, I have tried grumpy - there is always a bad mood episode just around the corner.

We moved into the house on June 14th - the house was not ready by the time you left for summer holidays. I wanted the party when the weather was good and we could be outside. Had I waited for the last week-end in August, it would have been, 'we have one week-end free before school and you have to spend it with friends. Why could you not do it earlier?' So, no, I did not consider the party to be weird. And, anyway, other than a couple, you treat all my other friends with disdain. So why should I stress you out on them?

The way you speak to me (and P.) is humiliating. And all these things build up.

You will not accept this but I am confident that I have prioritised home over work. I was determined not to be the dad who gets home after everyone has gone to sleep or a dad who is out four days of the week, a dad who is absent and not involved in the home - and I have been fortunate in being able to do so.

I know I add real value but, in fact, it is only my friends who make me feel that I am valued - and that has always been the case.

For lots of reasons, I have failed in making you happy. Much of your focus is on the outside. Beds are made on the day that our cleaner comes. You worry about looking good but when at home with us you spend the whole day in your pyjamas if we are not going out. Never late for friends but always 15-30 minutes late if we are going out.

 Rarely ironing but taking ironing to my parents. Those shoes in the guest room, the suitcase in the lounge, the receipts all over the floor - all moved only when people are coming and yet you require very different standards from us. There appears to be this demand to be admired and liked.

 If you feel that you have received less than you deserve, trust me, so do I.

But this, I am sure, happens to lots of couples. You are the victim and the hero in your story, I am in mine. I used to feel guilty about how you felt but that is no longer the case because, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

You need to de-couple your happiness from anything that I can do for you - ignore me. For me, all I appeal for is that I do not come home evening after evening to a weeping child and an angry mother - that relationship is nothing to do with me and, believe me, he is now 9 and he will start to react and remember.

Where does the future lead? I do not know. I am sure we can be grown up about this. You are wrong to think I do not care; I do but have been burned too often. For holidays, I will not, therefore, book Madrid but will book October in Rome as I cannot afford to take a week off in May.

Break can mean couple / family time.  You sending me on holiday is your way of getting rid of me and ticking off an item on your list of duties. 

From next year, P has the option of going away for a week / 5 days with the school.  If he goes on a trip, will you ever think of us going away somewhere?  I am sure you will come up with some very practical excuse like what if they have to return early for some reason, what if P. falls ill, what if they try to contact us etc.  You always take your holidays when P is on holiday.  You probably feel that it is your duty to give me a break.  But have you ever thought of taking a day off when P is at school to spend it with me?

I doubt you will ever dream of doing what your brother did - taking his wife to Morocco for their 15th anniversary.  Even for our 20th, when P will be 14-15, you will never do any such thing.  How can you ask others for a favour to look after P.?  Better not to do anything. 

All this would not have happened if you bothered to spend “quality” time with me.  How many times have we gone out for a special meal?  I am not counting meals at Wagamama etc.  You did try with the two lunches.  I could sense that you did it just out of some sense of duty / guilt than enjoyment. 

Please do not fool yourself.  You did not have the option to continue with a multi-national (and travel constantly).  You did not turn down a job offer because of the long hours / travelling.  Also you think I am not capable so you have to be there.

Have you ever wondered the kind of friends / people who “value” you?  All your colleagues who are in awe of you have very complicated personal lives (J’s partner with her children, B. who is single and has all the time in the world), your cousin M. with her baggage of problems, P. with her dying sister etc.  Do you have any friends who you think value you and have a “normal” life with a spouse, kids, family etc?

There is no point in thinking about Rome in October now.  No point in going away just for the sake of it.  All you enjoy about holidays, is spending time with P. which you can do at home anyway without wasting money.  You are not keen about sightseeing anyway.

A few days later:

 Dear M.

I think – though you may not agree – that one of the issues has been about my trying to find things that will please you and be up to your standard. And this is a moving target …. but let that be bygones.

So I have decided to do things that I might enjoy and I hope you will join me. Vice versa also applies.

Please have a look at this stand-up comic.

This is on in May half term.
1.    I will book two tickets for this – I hope you will go with me

2.    I am looking into a cottage or a B&B in the New Forest for the May half-term. Something I want to do as it is supposed to be very beautiful

3.    Later in the summer I will book Rome because I want to visit, not out of duty

I feel downtrodden, you feel neglected – we have to move on.

Can we make an effort?

I am more than happy with all the suggestions.  Before you book Rome, just let me know as I might have enough airmiles for one person.