A lack of 'performance' in the bedroom and I am forced to go the doctors - 'you clearly no longer like me but get yourself checked out.'
The 'ideal' result comes back, there is a potential medical reason as testosterone is low. (Later turns out there is no medical reason - a second test and levels are normal.)
At this point I break down in front of the doctors and ask to be referred for counselling.
What drives me particularly is that I have a dream about taking pills to commit suicide and another one about being in a plane going down and crashing - and me seeing it from the inside and being aware. In both cases I survive. What is worrying is that I rarely remember dreams and I have never dreamt on this subject before.
My pulse which had dropped to 66 over the summer when she was away is continuously elevated.
Death - which has always scared me, particularly since my headmaster died - would now seem a relief.
I know I won't go there but nor is it healthy to even think of such things.
The person from the counselling service confirmed that I had done all the things they would advise people suffering from depression should do: write a diary, share with friends, get exercise, make some space ....
'What you really want is someone to look at your life dispassionately - as your friends will be biased - and perhaps suggest how you can protect yourself, be more selfish?'
I am in the queue for help.
A cousin has suggested energy healing and I have looked on the internet but they do not seem credible and expense will be an issue too.
In the meantime, I have to close my mind as much as I can and try to earn a living.
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