63: Letter to my cuz - not sent

A letter I almost wrote and sent to my cousin who is nearest to me in age, and with whom I have shared confidences in the past.

Dear X

Not sure why I am writing this letter. Perhaps I am thinking back to a simpler time when I used to write to you – a time when all of life was ahead and decisions were full of possibilities to be looked forward to rather than mistakes to regret.

It is a Saturday evening and M. and P. are upstairs. I was doing some work, when I felt like writing. It’s been another traumatic day in a long line of traumatic days. She continues to accuse me of having had an affair with a colleague / friend. I continue to say, ‘I have not’ – and I truly haven’t. Yes, I have used her as a confidant and she has shared stuff with me but there is only friendship. She accused me the other day of having done something to my Facebook account that ensured that stuff she put on with both her and me could not be seen. I showed her that I had made no changes. That my friend was no longer a Facebook ‘friend’. None of that was good enough. So I lost my temper and said that she could stay in her world – there was nothing I could do about it. Surely I am not such a bad person.

In the midst of all this shit, I have to work, keep my job and earn a living. Over the summer she suddenly decided that she wanted to work. Having been out of the market for so long, possibly an administrative role would be appropriate – I didn’t dare say this, a recruiter did. But, no, with her fucking Cambridge degree, that would be beneath her. She suggested that I really would not be happy if someone from a low grade university came along to do my job. How could I explain that, firstly, in England, the origin of a degree ceases to matter within months of starting work. And, secondly, I, personally, couldn’t give a shit where people studied so long as they do good work. How is a degree of 25 years ago even minutely relevant?

Have you heard of anyone who decides which gym to go to based on the fact that there are private school mums there rather than state school ones?!!!!

I tried to help by making a contact with a friend in an NGO – someone who likes helping people. Has she been in touch with her? Has she fuck….

The only way I can function and work productively is ignore what it going on at home. I have always put home first and work second – and been fortunate enough to be able to do that while meeting material needs. And I believed I had met my objectives of being a close dad and a supportive husband. But I clearly failed in the latter.

This evening she was unwell and so, initially, I offered to cook. ‘No.’ I offered to clear up and suggested she go up to bed. ‘No, I am ok now. I have to do this anyway ….’. Later she asks, ‘Are you going downstairs to work?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Ok, so I can watch what I want.’ Where does this victimhood come from? Where have I ever imposed my views or been less than helpful?

This from a woman who never vacuumed even when we did not have our son. Never cleaned the toilets, hardly ironed. I did all that. I did the night feeds, stayed up when our son was ill or woke up, cut his hair, read bed-time stories. We have a cleaner now and have had for ten years. So where is the stress? Where is this martyrdom?

I know I am not being very supportive psychologically and that is because I have lost all capacity to be empathetic/sympathetic. I have given it my all and been found wanting. But, physically, I am making an effort. By going to the gym, I was accused of having ‘fun.’ So I’ve stopped and am supporting her going. I continue to do most of the ironing. I have changed roles and moved away from the friends she was jealous of – though I have said that I will continue to be friends. I am, like I have done before, drawing in on myself again when these last few years I have tried to make some space for myself. But I owe this to our son because I cannot give him up or leave him to her mercies.

Currently, of course, she believes I have been having an affair with B.. Not true. But, as I pointed out, I have a letter from about 2000 where she used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law. Then came the friend I used to share a house with, you, other friends and so on and so on - jealousy and anger. She does not know what will make her happy and only control will do. And any closeness with others is a threat.

Is there any scenario out of this? I cannot afford to divorce without reducing our son’s lifestyle and that would be unfair. Could she find someone else and leave us? Oh, to dream of such a moment.