59: To be fair - source of some of her anger

To be fair, there are other sources of anger and some of it is my fault.

In one of our arguments she asked me whether I had shared our issues with anyone else. I, of course, said ‘no’ as saying ‘yes’ would have started off all sorts of ructions.

Then, stupidly, I left my Facebook open one day and she saw that I had exchanged notes with my friend B. This, she felt, was a betrayal and accused me of having had an affair with B. Though B.’s advice was about being patient and kind and empathetic. And of course we are friends only.

Then, somehow, she got into my Hotmail and found an e-mail that I had written to B. – an e-mail I had forgotten about.

To set the context, B. was part of a cult for many, many years. There had been abuse. B. was going through a traumatic time leaving the organisation and had shared confidences with me. She was wondering whether to go public and publish a blog. I responded as below:

Oh B. 

This is not a text conversation or an email one and I am rubbish on the phone.

Most definitely - it seems to me - you need to let go. That could be writing it all down, speaking to someone, meditation, whatever. But this needs to be in your own time when your gut tells you to and the mode that suits.

What you were treated to was horrendous. Criminal, shameful, deceitful, hypocritical and, should there be such a thing, sinful. Nothing spiritual about it - simply the fantasies of a repressed piece of slimy shit whose position corrupted what little humanity he may have had in the first place.

You're a great person B. Clever, kind, generous - the best of what we can be. The question is how you can leave further behind that which you already have moved away from? You've been lucky to find a good neighbour and her idea is wise but,  it appears to me, this is not Hollywood and our minds are not switches. I cannot imagine that it is possible to forget or ever rationalise what was done - it happened because he was evil and nothing can balance that. It appears to me that all you can do is put one step in front of the other and, in sporting parlance, control the controllables and for most of your time not let the poison seep through from past.

But those are just words. The struggle is your's but if I can help in any way by listening without interrupting tell me when and where and I'll be there - would invite you over but that would be burdening you as it is a long way. But happy to go the other way if you want to talk and you're always welcome.
Ach B. I love you to bits and I cannot imagine the horror of what you have been through. Thank you for sharing. Have you decided on publishing? The man is gone - are these things still happening? If not, the imperative I would advise is you and what helps you. Somehow, metaphorically speaking, you need to take the pain inside, box up and let go. Publishing could help and the argument against will be that a lot of good people will be harmed. But, equally, a lot of good people who have suffered will be helped. You could tie yourself up in knots - so do what is good for you. If you choose not to, that is not copping out - it is moving on, not with any forgiveness but with strength; your leaving was enough of a signal and those with doubts will seek you out. On the other hand, if you feel you can better protect who you are, feel it important to rail against inhuman injustice and thereby support others by publishing then do so.

Dearest B. -  I am amazed that you are what you are despite the horror. You are truly lovely, I am proud to call you my friend and I wish I had a balm that could make this go away. How do you focus on the minutiae of life when you have this behind you?  Onwards and let the slime disappear in time.

Take care and always only a phone call away.
A.

From B:

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Got some stuff to work thru obviously, but I'm OK.  Really.  I'm a fighter.  Those were prob my most raw thoughts on it all.
 
Just a bit taken aback by the fact that sometimes things seep out of the cupboards we put them in.  We can't compartmentalise as effectively as we would like.  Still not sure if I've been having panic attacks.  Don't feel ready to own that fact. When Phil came to pick me up at A&E the look on his face told me that he thought something or judged me in some way but there was so much going on and he couldn't see more than the tip of the iceberg.  I felt very stupid and it hurt. 
 
I think I prob do need to have a few sessions with a counsellor to just work it thru.  It's possible that some of it comes out even when I'm not even thinking about it. PTSD style.  It'll go soon I'm sure.  Just a temporary experience.
 
Main thing is I want to break away from anything victim-like ASAP ... I'm not a victim, that will be more of a painful thing to carry around than the original experience.  I'm strong and will easily get over this.  It's probably fucked my head enough to mean I'll never trust another man, but hey.  Collateral damage that may well save me from another set of pain!
 
All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well ... so they say.
 
Thanks for listening, but the best thing you can do for me is visualise me as strong, not weak.  I fought my way out and made all the difficult choices when MANY of my friends are stuck inside for the rest of their days ... I'll eventually catch up with where I could have been.
 
Onwards and upwards thru this life!
Only way.
With love
B

She picked on the expressions of love but not the bit about being a friend. I was trying to be supportive and I am sure B. did not take it as crossing any sort of boundary.

But words can always be misinterpreted I suppose. And how did she get into my e-mail anyway?!