229: ... what is the point? a bit of anger from her

 On a quick review of this blog I cannot find any entries in depth referring to the time - in 2015 - that she wrote to my cousins behind my back about an alleged affair (not true) and a host of other things. Anyway, she did.

Both my cousins let me know and I asked that they respond as if they were replying to a friend. I did not get angry, I did not confront her in any way. I found it strange that she did not write to her own friends or family - I assumed she did it to try to break my close links but it could equally have been a cry for help of some sort.

One of my cousins also told her dad and then I felt compelled to share with my parents, as they would have heard anyway and it was better coming from me. They asked me to share with my brother and sister-in-law and so I did.

'You were talking about us to your parents and your brother in 2015 - do you not think you should have involved me in your discussions?' she asks yesterday evening.

'Well,' I reply, 'my logic was that you had written to my cousins in confidence. I had asked them to respond as if to a friend. I did share that you had written, that we were having issues - but that we would sort it and no one else need get involved. You opened it up, this was the best way to shut it down.'

'Do you not think I should have been involved?' she asks again.

'If I had opened it up, your parents would have got to know I am sure and it would have been a big mess.'

'So, while we were doing up the house and so on, they were just laughing at me for being an idiot - doing that when the marriage was in trouble. People have known for eight years that we will separate and it was only me that found out three weeks ago.'

'No one was laughing. People go through issues and my logic was that there was no need to spread it. And no one knew about separation. All carried on as normal. In any case, with or without my saying it, it was obvious that we were having problems - we left our son with my brother to go to Prague. In any case, no one ever asked me or spoke to me on this subject ever again.'

(Actually, my mother told me to 'just get on with it' and no one did ever speak to me again - something that hurts me from time to time. But we have not been a family to share and that is true of me as well. In the late noughties my brother went through various issues connected with depression and I never really opened up to my sister-in-law or my brother on those at the time. Something I regret. We have spoken of and on since then but not at all deeply.)

We left it at that. I did not say that I did not get angry given the nature of the action. Unlike a mutual friend of our's who, in a similar situation, went and spoke to his in-laws in exasperation, I did not escalate the problems into her family. At some level it could have been humiliating for me to have to say to my parents that I was not having an affair, that my value as a person and a husband was being attacked in every which way. It was painful but not humiliating because I had not had an affair and I knew I was trying my best.

Then, later in the evening, another tangent.

While I did not remember the context, I had asked about a close friend of hers - someone she has known from school. 'Oh, she has basically cut contact with me - except the minimum. She is into veganism and new age and everything.'

'In the evening, I have not spoken about my friend to you these past few years because you would have said that we have sprung apart because of my character. You do not say anything but that is what you think.'

Eh?! 'No, I do not think about your relationship with your friends. That has nothing to do with me.'

And it is true that I do not think about it to any depth and certainly not to interfere in any way. But there are some pertinent points.

I cannot think of a peer friend whom she does not criticise in some way - and not insubstantially. She says I am in 'awe' of  my friends - rather that than look down on them, I think.

Even the ones she contacted and confided in re: this separation she has issues with.

I like to think that I have about a dozen close friends - male and female - whom I could contact and share anything with. Her warmest relationships are with her parents' friends - not to confide with but just in terms of depths of feeling.

None of that matters and I did not respond to anything other than to explain my intentions behind my actions. How she behaves with her friends, how things might have turned out if her parents had found out .. all conjecture and useless.

I will continue to respond to challenge but also continue to maintain my reserve? Is there any point to letting rip?

228: Another week

 Another week is down -  I've been away for work Monday through Thursday.

Met up with some soul friends whom I have known for close on 30 years now - and we discussed what had happened. And how I appear to have done most things ok but that never stopped the anger and the apparent dissatisfaction: Confidant: 226: I've been a bully ... and are you gay? (adult themed content!!)

Have come back now for the Friday and things seem peaceful enough - might go to a film this evening.

Had a book club earlier this week - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club - on the subject of Confidant: 110: Mid-Life - another common story

During the conversation, came across this passage that I had made a note of at some point:

'Leonard Cohen said his teacher once told him that, the older you get, the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need. This is because, as we go through life, we tend to over-identify with being the hero of our stories. 

'This hero isn’t exactly having fun: he’s getting kicked around, humiliated, and disgraced. But if we can let go of identifying with him, we can find our rightful place in the universe, and a love more satisfying than any we’ve ever known.

'People constantly throw around the term “Hero’s Journey” without having any idea what it really means. Everyone from CEOs to wellness-influencers thinks the Hero’s Journey means facing your fears, slaying a dragon, and gaining 25k followers on Instagram. But that’s not the real hero’s journey.

'In the real hero’s journey, the dragon slays YOU. Much to your surprise, you couldn’t make that marriage work. Much to your surprise, you turned forty with no kids, no house, and no prospects. Much to your surprise, the world didn’t want the gifts you proudly offered it.

'If you are foolish, this is where you will abort the journey and start another, and another, abusing your heart over and over for the brief illusion of winning. But if you are wise, you will let yourself be shattered, and return to the village, humbled, but with a newfound sense that you don’t have to identify with the part of you that needs to win, needs to be recognized, needs to know. This is where your transcendent life begins.

'So embrace humility in everything. Life isn’t out to get you, nor are your struggles your fault. Every defeat is just an angel, tugging at your sleeve, telling you that you don’t have to keep banging your head against the wall. Leave that striver there, trapped in his lonely ambitions. Just walk away, and life in its vastness will embrace you.'

I once 'walked away' from work ambitions and striving to try to build a balanced life which supported me and others. And through good fortune, 'life in its vastness' did embrace me through the journey that I shared with our son.

Now, I walk away from the marriage to who knows what - is it the U, W or L to come? Only time will tell but, for the moment, I feel that staying would be an L.

My preparation note for the book club:

Trying to achieve the ‘U’

Context

Some years ago – 2017, just turned 49 – this article piqued my interest and I have remembered it ever since. Now, approaching 56, son away at university and me heading for separation, many of the issues are, perhaps, even more pertinent now than they were then.

But this is not intended to be a counselling session for me! These are universal themes, and Jo and I considered that it might make an interesting topic for discussion.

The Book

In a sense, the book is less interesting than the article in that the former is significantly focused on relationships rather than the wider aspects of life. But let’s go with the initial thoughts anyway ..

Themes / Thoughts to begin

40s and 50s can be a difficult time, it says – 40-59 are, reportedly, the most anxious age group. Career can feel like you are marking time, or the corner office is not the promised land, friends seem more successful and happier, one is taken for granted in the family and taking care of generations above and below! ‘Is this all there is?’ and ‘What’s the point?’

But this is not a crisis. Stopping and taking stock is not only necessary but crucial for a happy and satisfying second half of your life.  Who am I? What are my values? What gives my life meaning?

A quote that’s funny and sounds impressive, if not necessarily accurate: ‘A midlife crisis is what happens when you climb to the top of the ladder and discover it’s against the wrong wall.’ (Joseph Campbell)

There is this idea of the ‘middle passage’ – the time between our first tentative steps into adulthood and the second half of our life. The toughest part of life is the middle passage – when, often, also, the optimism of your early twenties has been tempered by new realities.

 In youth – whatever the circumstances – we are resilient and start in a positive place – the beginning of the U. What happens after?

The ‘U’

Research – and an article - suggests that life satisfaction increases from 60+; more confidence, wisdom. Meaning. This is the ideal – a glorious upswing, a brilliant late bloom. Learning from the middle passage and building from there.

Shapes to be avoided – the ‘W’ and the ‘L’!

The W: The reaction to ‘lives of quiet desperation.’ (Thoreau) can lead to an affair or reckless moves or something drastic in an attempt to find meaning – a short upswing followed by an inevitable fall back – the ‘dead cat bounce’. Reacting to the questions arising from the middle passage, maybe not healthily.

The L: The worst option. Never engaging with the issues of the middle passage. Anesthetize against the desperation through drink, gambling and cynicism – give up.

Do we engage with the important questions or distract with short-term pleasures? Take a fresh look at ourselves or just keep busy? Change or rail against the system? Quick fix or hard work?

At the other end of life

My son left for university three weeks ago, and I wrote to him about how much he has meant to me and how, ‘You have been everything that I / we could have ever wanted, and I shall be eternally grateful that you have been part of my life’s journey.’ I shared with him Tim Minchin and Wear Sunscreen and this passage by Joseph Conrad that I have always admired:

‘Only the young have such moments. I don't mean the very young. No. The very young have, properly speaking, no moments. It is the privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days in all the beautiful continuity of hope which knows no pauses and no introspection.

‘One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness - and enters an enchanted garden. Its very shades glow with promise. Every turn of the path has its seduction. And it isn't because it is an undiscovered country. One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way. It is the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation - a bit of one's own.

‘One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the predecessors, excited, amused, taking the hard luck and the good luck together - the kicks and the half-pence, as the saying is - the picturesque common lot that holds so many possibilities for the deserving or perhaps for the lucky. Yes. One goes on. And the time, too, goes on - till one perceives ahead a shadow-line warning one that the region of early youth, too, must be left behind.’

William Shatner reportedly said that at 92 he knows that none of this matters – but that if he’d known that at 18 he would never have got out of bed!

Personal

If I am to ask you to be open, then I must be also – never ask others to do what you wouldn’t do yourself. With the caveat of rationalisation, I feel that my ‘ladder’ has indeed been against the ‘right wall’ but perhaps it has not been high enough for others or it has had the wrong paint or deficient in some other ways.

Who am I? Perhaps someone who is ‘good enough’ and happy in that state – challenge: where does good enough cross the border into laziness and self-rationalisation?

What are my values? Trying to be an ‘ok’ person, focusing on the fundamentals. Perhaps as the book says, I became a ‘people pleaser’ happy to be wrapped up in ‘delivering’ – for parents, for employers, for my family.

What gives my life meaning? In the future I am not looking for any self-actualisation, the ‘mythic perfect other’, I am not trying to 'find myself' or 'be my best self'. I have had a lucky life and been nominally useful to family, friends and employers. Is it just a level of peace - from not feeling like a backstop? Can ‘meaning’ come from peace and simply appreciating the daily existence?

To finish – other points to seed some thoughts

I came across this article: 'I often find myself thinking about the famous question that ends Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day: Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? in this article: The one question we all need to ask ourselves – and how to tune in to the answer | Life and style | The Guardian’

And is this a first world problem? If you are hungry or living in a war zone or incapacitated in another way, if you have many dependents, is this even a question you are addressing?

Each one of us is 1 in 8 billion and so, nobody actually cares; coming in to land at a city, driving along neighbourhoods of an evening, and each light behind a door signifies a universe. And yet, and yet, grand or small, surely, we matter too. Each of us has our journey and we, if we can afford it, perhaps deserve to give ourselves the chance to be ..... free? content? without fear?

In one of Kate’s book clubs there was a resonant line: ‘Focus on the next step, making it immune to regret and full of possibility.’

Over to you! Looking back at the middle passage, what is your tomorrow?!

227: A Strange week

Two weeks now from my saying I wanted a separation. I am out of the country for most of the week and it has been peaceful enough the other days. We went to the theatre on the Monday and a film on the Friday.

On the way back from the film, there was a flash of the anger - arising from the person who does not really know what she wants but is most comfortable butting up against others.

For the Christmas holidays, our son is not keen on going away. I am ok with staying. She wants to go away. I am ok with that too. But it is not possible for me to be please both! Will leave to them to figure.

'If we don't go somewhere over Christmas, I will save up the days and go on my own somewhere far in February,' she says.

'Great,' I respond. 'There are these organisations like Jules Verne and Intrepid.

'Your cousin is getting married in India in December - you could go there?' I suggest.

'Tickets are too expensive, I could go to Hawaii for that.'

'Ok'.

'I could go in December but I want to spend time with our son.'

'Sure,' I say, 'but there's nothing stopping you either.' (thinking that being depressed about not going anywhere is not going to help anyone.)

'Is it ok,' she retorts angrily, 'that I might want to stay with our son?'

'Sure.'

A common theme this in so many aspects of our lives. It is just a severe case of FOMO - Confidant: 186: FOMO - that has afflicted her all her life. Instead of thinking, deciding and choosing a path, it is always about what could be better and what she might be missing out on.

I ask about counselling today. 'Leave me to me,' she responds angrily. 'That has nothing to do with you. I am more than happy to look at couple's counselling.'

'We could look on the BACP register but that seems a bit random. I will ask an acquaintance and see what she advises.'

And then, out of the blue, she says, 'One thing I always regret is you being horrible to your father at the back end of his life when he was suffering from dementia. No one should be treated like that. And that was not you.'

I have no idea how that is connected to any of our issues. I was very careful that she did not have to do anything that might be an imposition when it came to my parents. The last summer of 2017 - the worst summer before he passed away in December of that year - my parents stayed much of the time with me while she was away in India. I escorted them to India in September.

Yes, my behaviour towards my father was atrocious and something that I will regret for the rest of my days. And I have written about it before: Confidant: 122: My Father 1 Confidant: 123: My Father 2 ... and Lessons.

But I remain mystified as to what that has to do with us.

 

226: I've been a bully ... and are you gay? (adult themed content!!)

I am better on paper and sent this - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one

She said that she preferred face to face. So we had a long, teary (from both sides) conversation yesterday - Sunday. Are we more along the Kubler Ross? I don't know but here are some notes.

Since when

She asked me straight out whether I had already decided to leave after our blow-out in 2015 - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse; Confidant: 70: Fair

'Yes,' I said, 'that was the straw, but much had happened before then. Since and through September this year, I have run lots of scenarios in my head and I can still not come to a different conclusion.'

'Sense of unhappiness'

She put this down not to me or my actions but the huge stress that her family had gone through from an initial diagnosis in 2009 of schizophrenia for one of her brothers to his untimely death in 2017. She and her parents and her other brother had kept it all to themselves and this was the stress being manifested. Those were the 'prime years of my life and fate decreed that the situation happened and I had to support my parents - and I did not share with you.'

I listened. I was not looking to 'win' or rub things in but the issues and anger date from virtually the start of our marriage - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 and Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!). Long before her brother's troubles started.

In my letter to her I do mention Brussels (2000) and New Delhi (2001) and how I felt belittled. She mentioned that I had done everything - from the night feeds for our infant to cutting his nails - and then throughout our lives together. And she concluded that her behaviour was bullying and bordering on domestic violence - the other way round and it would have been labelled as such.

'You should have pushed me more. You should have forced me to work, put limits on spending - you did none of that and I took full advantage.'

'But, why should I have to?' I cried (literally). 'That is not and was not me. You have asked me before what I had wanted from the marriage. And I had wanted a partner. Someone to team with and that is not how it turned out, I am sorry. I used to try and make a joke of it that your all girls' school must have had had training sessions on 'how to control your husband.'. I was doing everything to be that open, helpful and supportive husband.' 

'But why? You should have been stricter. I was pampered and I took advantage. You were always supporting me rather than telling me. You doing all that has resulted in this.'

'No, no, no, not at all. What has resulted in 'this' is that I was doing all of that, being the person I thought I should be, doing it because it was the right thing to do, and all I got was hostility in return. Somehow, the two sides of the equation never matched - and I have never understood that. But thank you for saying the things you have.'

Present father and friends

'I remember you took us with you to Bristol when there was a golf weekend. You needn't have and I remember thinking then that you needed more space.'

(Bollocks to this. In those times, if I had to work late a couple of days or went to the apartment / building committee once every quarter there would be drama at home. But, anyway, didn't say that obviously.)

'You are in awe of your friends. You are grateful that they befriend you but they are friends for a reason and you are the one who keeps in touch and have continued to make the links. You say you are not the environment maker but people like the quiet ones too.'

'Yes, I am in awe and I am grateful and I value those friendships - they were very important to me and continue to be. I imagine they must like me too or they would not have stayed in touch.'

The praise bit

'All that stuff about 'leaning in' and finding someone else is rubbish, don't worry about me. I supported you when you moved to Paris and I am not the hand-holding type, I find a solution.'

'Yes,' I reply. 'You did move to Paris and you praise it now but it was stressy every day at the time.'

'Yes, because I wanted to get to work.'

'So, we did cut that off and came back to the UK in 2004.'

'I had lost my mojo by then, the enthusiasm - I accepted that I would not work.'

(Rubbish of course as she was only 31 and was working at a NGO charity in London before we moved back permanently - where she could have started to build a career.)

'I married you - my wife. I did not marry some future child. It was your decision to agree to getting married and it was your decision to have a child and your decision not to work. There was no forcing from me.'

'Yes, I agree. They were my decisions. And then at school most of the mothers were not working and so I had very little motivation.

'I come from a family of working women - my aunt, my mother and everyone else.. I guess I just got tired.'

Work

'You have this complex about success. I hardly dare mention someone doing well and you say, 'I'm sorry I could not provide you with that life'. We have had a very good life.'

'Well, you have told me in the past that I should be ashamed that I had not had a pay rise in five years; that if I were any good I would not be in the situation I am in now; that my only skills are a bit of French and a good driver. You have asked whether I was Head of ... or just a Manager. All of that is not exactly confidence giving.' No response.

'I have been very glad for you,' she says, 'for this latest Ireland gig. You are a people-person and you need to interact with interesting people - you gave that all up for us.'

'No, again no, I did not. Work was important in my late 20s. Then it was you and then it was us as a family. I wanted to break from the past and not be angry and judgemental like my mother, a present, easy going and supportive husband and a father with a focus on the home, unlike my own dad.  Not being in a multi-national was not a sacrifice. I was fortunate where I ended up, I did not have to look elsewhere, I could work and come home every day. None of that was a sacrifice, it was what I wanted. I did not want to be a 'provider', I wanted a partner to work with but no matter what I did, how hard I worked there would be hostility and ...'

'Instead you ended up with your mother.'

Post 2015

'I had hoped that things would improve post-2015,' she says, 'but we never talked.' Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround

'In 2017 (her brother was ill and then died) I was really grateful to you for allowing me to go to India five times on my own - not many people would have done that.'

'But, that is not even a question M., it is what needed to be done. How could that even be up for debate - and it was not.'

'I am also ashamed of having questioned B. and what I said about her. Confidant: 62: Is this a balanced person? (and, of course, I was impotent)

'I am not stupid. I could feel that you no longer loved me.  We slept in separate rooms and how I hoped that you would come across and we could lie side by side and we could talk.'

'Things have been better since 2015 but that was the last straw.' I say. 'Even since then, though, there is anger and control. While washing up in the sink and plugged in to a podcast you looked around to check whether I was cleaning the cooker properly. Small thing but questioning competency and these things accrue.'

Sex

'And this is the hardest thing I'll say. We don't have sex - you do not find me attractive. Though I am sorry I called you impotent.'

'I do and have liked to cuddle,' I respond, 'and we can be non-penetrative.'

'But that is not the same. Every time a viagra ad. comes up on TV, I feel like shrinking since you may think I am giving you a hint.'

'We went to Prague in 2015 M. - when we were having major issues and to see whether we could reset. I was erect but there was no ejaculation. Since then, It has not worked. I have had my testosterone checked ...'

'Only because you found out that it may have a connection with heart issues,' she interjects.

'I have had my testosterone checked and it is ok. So I don't know why an erection does not happen. But I don't want medication because if the heart / mental is not there, what is the point with the physical. And even when we were ok, sex was relatively rare, I would generally be the instigator and you would say 'satisfied?' at the end.'

'I was joking. To protect you I threw away our condoms when you were away.'

Random others

She mentioned that for 25 years she had not enjoyed the Durga puja festivities - only last year when one of her late father's oldest friends was in London did she enjoy it. Not sure what to say about that - that is the tragedy of the passing of time. She then adds how much she appreciates the Christmas' at my brother and sister-in-law's.

She liked how I looked after this family friend and took him to a football match - not out of duty but because I genuinely like doing those things.

'You do not demand anything of me - even a dish for a meal. You are so self-sufficient that you do not ask for anything - sometimes it's nice to be asked.'

'That is true - but I always thought that not being demanding was a good thing.'

'I was the first grandchild and the first next generation in the eco-system of friends and relations,' she says. 'My grandmother used to refer to me as M. the Great. Maybe that led to a lack of self-awareness. Did you speak about your mother / upbringing in your counselling because you have confidence issues - job, weight etc.?' she asks. 

'Yes, in a roundabout way. I remember telling my therapist that I would not have gone to my cricket club dinner had I not, towards the end of the season, scored three 50s in a row - I would not have earnt it, I would feel. I always felt - and that has continued in married life - that I had to succeed, to perform in order for people to like me - and that started in the home, for sure. I appreciate my friends so much because they like me for just myself. And the therapist asked, 'do you like yourself just for you?' Confidant: 97: Counselling Sessions - 2

'And, you know, in our household, patterns have been repeated. In a partnership I would not worry about what I was doing wrong and how you would be upset - it should be about the confidence of doing right. I had hoped to have that in my marriage but clearly not.

'And there has always been a level of hostility towards women I have been close to - and not in a sexual way. Whether this was my cousin or sister-in-law or close friends ...

'And it is not as if I have not said these things.  I have written, I have joked. I have warned that my abiding memory of my mother is of her being angry and that you should be careful you do not make the same mistake with our son - Confidant: 149: Tale of Weekends. When I have confronted you, you have brushed it off and said that I was different.' Confidant: 68: Our Son, our lovely, lovely son

'You should have been angry at me.' Oi vey!

We talked about work and I suggested that she would never speak to a colleague like the way she has spoken to our son and me. 'Work is different - we care less. In the home we can be more frank.'

'But,' I say, ' I would imagine that in the home you would be even more gentle - because these are the people nearest to you - and can't or won't fight back.'

'You came from an ordered family with set timings and so on. That stressed me out.' (It can't have or we would not always set off late or work till late clearing up.)

'I didn't really care about any of that - except the time commitment to others,' I respond. 'What bothered me were the double standards. You would go on at me and our son about tidiness or whatever but you never applied those same standards to yourself. That hypocrisy bothered me, yes.'

Counselling

She is trying to find a counsellor and we may go for some couples therapy as well. But I said that that would be in the context of 'transitioning' rather than reconciliation. And I was unlikely to undertake counselling myself.

And then she said a clever thing which I had not articulated in that way before. 'You are saying that living alone will be your therapy?'

'Yes, I had not thought of it like that but, yes, I think that is correct.'

Anyway ...

Conclusion

I am reading a book and there is a quote which initially struck me as eloquent but wrong - but now I see as startlingly correct: ‘A midlife crisis is what happens when you climb to the top of the ladder and discover it’s against the wrong wall.’ (Joseph Campbell)

It turns out that while I have had the good fortune pretty much to build the the wall I wanted - reasonable work, good standard of living, support at home, friendly, helpful and so on - that was not the wall that was wanted.

'Maybe you work differently, maybe I like instructions. Like I follow recipes.'

'Yes, possibly. I really struggle when being micro-managed - accountability, empowerment, imagination, creativity that is how I work and that is the environment I try to develop. I thought that that was what everyone would want.'

'You focus on the little daily things rather than the big present / gift.'

'Yes again - once more, the continual support, the little things is what I thought was the right thing to do.'

The wall that seems to be wanted is different. The almost traditional 'command and control' wall, the gifts but not the daily support, the housekeeping money and husband-leading was not one I was even capable of building - it would not have been me and it would not have been right. And I am sure she would not have liked it, despite what she says.

So we concluded three or so hours by my saying that too much had happened, too many harsh words had been spoken, there was too much hurt as baggage. Virtually everything that she had said had been positive towards me but the behaviours and language over the years could not be forgotten. I could not package all that up and just put to one side - it was too much of a risk.

'And that is no way for you to live. You mention that you have been stressed at keeping to punctuality as that was important to me. Well, you continually worrying about what I may be feeling or thinking would not be good for you - as much as I have spent many years worrying about your reaction. And that is why I say I will remain alone - because I do not want to get into the maelstrom of worrying about someone else again.' Confidant: 125: Narratives and change

'But keep an open mind?' she says. 'Keep a key to the house. Don't let ego keep you in your position of separation.'

'I won't but, please, do not rely in any way on my changing my mind. I know couples get together again but, as of right now, I do not see that happening. But I will keep an open mind.'

With that we finished and had a very friendly rest of the evening.

What do I make of all that? It was brave, I suppose, of her to be so open. She kept saying that she meant everything and was not saying things to please me or persuade me. I have to believe her though there are a hundred (factual) examples in this blog which would not paint her in a generous light.

And when walking back to the car park from the gym this evening, I asked myself how I felt? What would I feel like in a few months' time? What was the contrast between going back home alone or going back to M., having reconciled - and my heart told me that the former would be light while the latter would be heavy.

Oh, looking back at the title of this entry reminded me of a random question at the end. 'Do you think you are gay?' 'No, I am not.' (I am not going to interpret or deconstruct that!)

225: A Long Way to Go

It has been a quiet few days since Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? exactly a week ago. And I am glad that I bit the bullet and had the conversation rather than wait another week ... and then another.

There were a few questions, I follow up with a letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one, we go out for dinner with our son, we / she book a play to go to next week and then a pre-arranged dinner at my cousin's, where my brother is also present.

She had written to this cousin (and another) in 2015 to accuse me of lots of things and so everyone at the dinner knew about the separation except for my nephews whom we have not told. (We have also not told our son as yet.) My wife was perfectly pleasant and there was no tension through the day or at the evening.

I do not kid myself that there has been any level of 'acceptance' on her part. On the Kubler Ross transitions of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, I have not seen the move to Anger yet, let alone subsequent stages.

This morning she asks, 'I have read your letter and have a lot of questions - which I will ask.' 'Of course,' I say.

'But I want to ask two questions first. Do you have some sort of terminal illness and you are doing this to make it easier for me? Or is it that you are worried about pensions - which you keep  saying you have not handled very well and are not very good - and separation would protect me?'

I did not understand the logic of the second question but did not the labour the point - 'no,' I say, 'neither.'

So, this still feels like the 'Denial' stage? That I am not really doing this - that I am not leaving her but that there is a wider reason. I do not look forward to the next few stages but keep the vision of when I will move out in mind. In the meantime, I will look to answer her questions as best I can.

An ex-boss decided to divorce in her late 60s. It was, by all accounts, a difficult split ... but they mutually said, 'I don't like you'! This is more difficult in some ways as, despite her displayed behaviour and my thoughts on how that has affected me (which I have shared over the years), she does not feel that there is much wrong.

I took on an assignment once where the boss was a complete bully. He had made his leadership team into a set of vegetables and his behaviours were terrible. After about six to eight weeks, I had to go to him and say that I was moving on and he should find someone else. 'Why are you leaving?' 'Well, Steve, you have your style and I have mine and they don't seem to work.' 'So, what you are saying is that you are leaving me?'

I had a lot of his team come up to me afterwards, praising me for my 'bravery'. And this is another thing I have discussed with my friends over the last few months. At work, I have generally been the one who has questioned or challenged where things have, in my opinion, been wrong. Why should I not be that person at home?

I suppose that, over the last many years, I could have done more 'change management' and got her 'ready' for the separation. But how would I have done that without risking a difficult environment for our son? 

'Listen, I am broken, I think the best thing to do is to separate as you are clearly not happy with me and I am not happy either. But let's stick together for the sake of our our son until he finished school in seven years' time.'

Would that have been possible? Perhaps? 

Confidant: 69: Things have reached a head - am broken

224: Two Letters - the (hopefully) nicer one

 A couple of weeks ago I had written to my son to say how much he had meant to me through the years and the how much I loved him. It was a heartfelt note - a first draft included a passage about his mother and me and her anger but, thankfully, that was not the one I sent.

From her letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - my wife was questioning about what I had actually said to our son. So, I shared the one below with her to try and allay her suspicions.

04 October 2024

Dear P

I am better on paper than face to face and wanted to put down some thoughts too. Hope you don’t mind. I do not want to mystify you or embarrass myself but I felt it important to write!

Context

You see, I grew up in a closed household where I did not share thoughts or questions much – if at all – for fear of being shut down or given unwanted advice. You may say that your childhood has been the same and I am truly sorry if that has been the case – but I have tried to be open, while respecting your boundaries if you didn’t want or feel the need to share.

From the age of 17/18, I relied on my cousin to be my confidant and, while it took me a little time, over the decades I have also opened up to my friends. We are always here but, as I have mentioned to you before, adults do not have the answers, we are making it up as we go along. I do not usually give advice, but I suppose we have seen more ‘patterns’, which could be helpful.

I attach the most influential letter that I ever received – from a teacher at school, when I was 18. I have tried to live up to those ideals of openness and I share it with you as something to consider. You are stoic and self-contained, you do not create drama – I was the same – and there is nothing wrong with any of that; just learn to be fair to yourself and do not be afraid to use others for support.

You

As you know, you have been a most important aspect of my life. You have been everything that I / we could have ever wanted, and I shall be eternally grateful that you have been part of my life’s journey.

An interview with Christopher Ecclestone resonates, when he talked about his kids:

-       What does love feel like? ‘like the rhythm of nature’

My favourite moment of the day would be my coming home from work and you rushing to me from somewhere in the house. And then our stories as you went up to sleep.

Your behaviour has also influenced my behaviour – the story I share involving you arrives about half way through the video.

We clashed once on Latin but I admired your strength of mind – and I would not have said ‘I told you so’ if Geography had not worked out!

I have tried my best to be a good father, P, as much as my character and circumstances have allowed me. But that was my job, and I do not write the previous sentence with any implication of ‘gratitude’ from you. My desire and hope were to be a present, supportive and loving dad – though I always knew I would struggle with ‘fun’ – and that ambition does not go away as you move into the world.

From my side

I do not want to lay anything on you about my worries and concerns right now as that would not be fair – and this letter is one way. But, hopefully, over the time to come, with a beer or a whisky or gin, lime and soda in hand, we will have time to chat. But you are always free to ask me any questions you want – about me, life, jobs.

We are both in new phases are we not? I think my parents always expected more of my brother and me than was strictly fair and their lives continued to revolve around us which, in turn, placed us under pressure.

I / we should not make the same mistake – while always knowing that we remain at your side.

Advice

I leave it to others more successful and confident to provide life advice:

Tim Minchin and Wear Sunscreen

Along the lines of the latter, continue to have greens and clean the toilet regularly! And make friends, ask questions, move with confidence, look after yourself and build confidants!

Back to you

Thank you, Poppi, for what you have given me and for being who you are. I would go through a thousand lifetimes to come back to those moments when you awoke, with me next to you, and you would give me that wide open smile.

I wish you luck in your new life. From Joseph Conrad:

‘Only the young have such moments. I don't mean the very young. No. The very young have, properly speaking, no moments. It is the privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days in all the beautiful continuity of hope which knows no pauses and no introspection.

‘One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness - and enters an enchanted garden. Its very shades glow with promise. Every turn of the path has its seduction. And it isn't because it is an undiscovered country. One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way. It is the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation - a bit of one's own.

‘One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the predecessors, excited, amused, taking the hard luck and the good luck together - the kicks and the half-pence, as the saying is - the picturesque common lot that holds so many possibilities for the deserving or perhaps for the lucky. Yes. One goes on. And the time, too, goes on - till one perceives ahead a shadow-line warning one that the region of early youth, too, must be left behind.’

It will, I hope, be a wonderful time you are entering – one that will have its troubles as all phases do. But in good times or bad, remember that I / we are here and will do the best we can. If I have been ‘ok’ so far, let us build on that in future years and if I have not, give me a chance to improve.

With love always

Baba

223: Two Letters - the not so nice one

 The reaction to my request for a separation has been different from what I had expected. I had anticipated that she had been equally unhappy and disappointed in me. Turns out that, for the moment, she was happy and did not regard me as a complete dufus.

Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I was going to write a letter anyway but a couple of conversations prompted me to do so earlier than I had thought:

15 October 2024

My dear M.

You know that I am better on paper than face to face – but, obviously, I could not say what I did last Sunday in writing. Please allow me this one-way communication for some thoughts.

My Feelings

I cannot justify or pretend that my asking for a separation is for anyone else’s perceived benefit than mine. You started to ask me questions the other day and this morning, so it seems fair to try and explain a little further.

Not 2015

What I have most struggled with – and, please, again, this is from my point of view only – is an obvious level of anger through much of our married life and a sense of unhappiness and need to control.

I remember writing to you way back in Brussels (2000) or speaking to you in Delhi (2001) about, really, how we had everything, but you would be upset, nevertheless. There is little point in going over examples or explanations both before and after the major blow out of 2015 but, and I have shared this with you in the past, I repeatedly felt belittled, humiliated and would go to bed crying. I felt neither useful nor a very good person – otherwise how could you speak like that? Yes, much of that negativity is in my make up as you surmise but, as I mentioned when we spoke, I had hoped to move into a new environment after marriage.

We never spoke about you directly but your baba and jethi spoke to me (unprompted) about your family’s (dad's mother's side) ‘world famous anger’. Ultimately, I put it down to DNA.

I am perfectly willing to admit that you are simply unaware of the effect that your temper has on people – and, again, I have pointed that out in the past. You would be angry, and then happy and sunny in the next moment, as if nothing had happened. That is a struggle for me. As you have stated, I do not like confrontation, you see nothing wrong in it.

In our discussion now, you have said that you have not been unhappy and that you consider me a nice person. But too much water has flowed under the bridge for me to consider rowing back – I am sorry. I know that you will be angry at me for what I have done.

Me (again)

I am perfectly aware that I am not an easy person to live with. My work colleagues see me as a grumpy type, I have not been a ‘fun’ father, and I haven’t bought enough presents or been romantic with you. Within those limitations, and, no doubt, others, I have tried to be a present person and a helpful one.

Would it have been different with someone else? An impossible question to answer. There has been no one else before or after you and there will not be in the future. There would have been other frustrations no doubt. One of the points I made when in counselling was that I am not an ‘environment maker’. Te or E or T could walk into a room and a dour one would become a happy one. My behaviour, on the other hand, would be influenced by the room. So, maybe, I am best alone.

 You

It goes without saying that you are a highly intelligent, highly functioning adult. You are vivacious, charming, dynamic – and your friends and colleagues, I am sure, appreciate that. With regard to our partnership, I have admired those qualities and been proud to have you by my side; amongst many instances, for example, G and P and K have been disappointed not to see you when they and I have met. Your influence has resulted in a more gorgeous and a higher quality of life than the ‘functional B’ might have gone for – and I am grateful for that.

You chose not to work for a long time but that was your decision – P benefited of course. I always thought that the lack of work was causing many of those frustrations and am very happy to see where you are now.

A cliched phrase I know but there is every possibility for you to ‘lean into’ your abilities and really go for it. And if you find someone along the way with the same level of dynamism who can give you far more than I have, that would be fabulous. (my amateur reading of your hand suggests you will.)

I will always remember Isaac’s description of you as, ‘Isn’t that P’s mum – she is smiling even when no one is looking.’

Us

We have had some good times I think – even away from our work as parents. It has, perhaps, not been the ‘first-class’ life, given my earnings, but I like to think it has not been too bad. As I mention above, you led me to a better life, and I tried my best to be a supportive husband.

The Future

You are only 51 and I am 55. There is, hopefully, a good life ahead of us as independent adults. One of the many things I admired about your parents (and your father in particular I suppose) was that, while supporting the family, they also focused on themselves and knew how to enjoy what life could do for them. My parents, on the other hand, narrowed down to my brother and me (particularly him) and that did not do anyone any favours.

I have spoken about some of that to P. How we will always be there by his side but, at the same time, he needs his freedom, and we need our’s. We have this one life; we have worked hard and there is a journey ahead. Each of us is one in 8 billion and so we have to be wary of self-importance – none of it really matters other than to create a little bit of what we enjoy, and that is down to each of us as individuals and not dependent on others.

I don’t know M. Thank you for reading. I will always be open to discussing what you may wish to explore. If there is a way of taking some counselling for all of us to help us through this transition, would be happy to investigate.

Yours

B.