225: A Long Way to Go

It has been a quiet few days since Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? exactly a week ago. And I am glad that I bit the bullet and had the conversation rather than wait another week ... and then another.

There were a few questions, I follow up with a letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one, we go out for dinner with our son, we / she book a play to go to next week and then a pre-arranged dinner at my cousin's, where my brother is also present.

She had written to this cousin (and another) in 2015 to accuse me of lots of things and so everyone at the dinner knew about the separation except for my nephews whom we have not told. (We have also not told our son as yet.) My wife was perfectly pleasant and there was no tension through the day or at the evening.

I do not kid myself that there has been any level of 'acceptance' on her part. On the Kubler Ross transitions of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, I have not seen the move to Anger yet, let alone subsequent stages.

This morning she asks, 'I have read your letter and have a lot of questions - which I will ask.' 'Of course,' I say.

'But I want to ask two questions first. Do you have some sort of terminal illness and you are doing this to make it easier for me? Or is it that you are worried about pensions - which you keep  saying you have not handled very well and are not very good - and separation would protect me?'

I did not understand the logic of the second question but did not the labour the point - 'no,' I say, 'neither.'

So, this still feels like the 'Denial' stage? That I am not really doing this - that I am not leaving her but that there is a wider reason. I do not look forward to the next few stages but keep the vision of when I will move out in mind. In the meantime, I will look to answer her questions as best I can.

An ex-boss decided to divorce in her late 60s. It was, by all accounts, a difficult split ... but they mutually said, 'I don't like you'! This is more difficult in some ways as, despite her displayed behaviour and my thoughts on how that has affected me (which I have shared over the years), she does not feel that there is much wrong.

I took on an assignment once where the boss was a complete bully. He had made his leadership team into a set of vegetables and his behaviours were terrible. After about six to eight weeks, I had to go to him and say that I was moving on and he should find someone else. 'Why are you leaving?' 'Well, Steve, you have your style and I have mine and they don't seem to work.' 'So, what you are saying is that you are leaving me?'

I had a lot of his team come up to me afterwards, praising me for my 'bravery'. And this is another thing I have discussed with my friends over the last few months. At work, I have generally been the one who has questioned or challenged where things have, in my opinion, been wrong. Why should I not be that person at home?

I suppose that, over the last many years, I could have done more 'change management' and got her 'ready' for the separation. But how would I have done that without risking a difficult environment for our son? 

'Listen, I am broken, I think the best thing to do is to separate as you are clearly not happy with me and I am not happy either. But let's stick together for the sake of our our son until he finished school in seven years' time.'

Would that have been possible? Perhaps? 

Confidant: 69: Things have reached a head - am broken

224: Two Letters - the (hopefully) nicer one

 A couple of weeks ago I had written to my son to say how much he had meant to me through the years and the how much I loved him. It was a heartfelt note - a first draft included a passage about his mother and me and her anger but, thankfully, that was not the one I sent.

From her letter - Confidant: 223: Two Letters - the not so nice one (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - my wife was questioning about what I had actually said to our son. So, I shared the one below with her to try and allay her suspicions.

04 October 2024

Dear P

I am better on paper than face to face and wanted to put down some thoughts too. Hope you don’t mind. I do not want to mystify you or embarrass myself but I felt it important to write!

Context

You see, I grew up in a closed household where I did not share thoughts or questions much – if at all – for fear of being shut down or given unwanted advice. You may say that your childhood has been the same and I am truly sorry if that has been the case – but I have tried to be open, while respecting your boundaries if you didn’t want or feel the need to share.

From the age of 17/18, I relied on my cousin to be my confidant and, while it took me a little time, over the decades I have also opened up to my friends. We are always here but, as I have mentioned to you before, adults do not have the answers, we are making it up as we go along. I do not usually give advice, but I suppose we have seen more ‘patterns’, which could be helpful.

I attach the most influential letter that I ever received – from a teacher at school, when I was 18. I have tried to live up to those ideals of openness and I share it with you as something to consider. You are stoic and self-contained, you do not create drama – I was the same – and there is nothing wrong with any of that; just learn to be fair to yourself and do not be afraid to use others for support.

You

As you know, you have been a most important aspect of my life. You have been everything that I / we could have ever wanted, and I shall be eternally grateful that you have been part of my life’s journey.

An interview with Christopher Ecclestone resonates, when he talked about his kids:

-       What does love feel like? ‘like the rhythm of nature’

My favourite moment of the day would be my coming home from work and you rushing to me from somewhere in the house. And then our stories as you went up to sleep.

Your behaviour has also influenced my behaviour – the story I share involving you arrives about half way through the video.

We clashed once on Latin but I admired your strength of mind – and I would not have said ‘I told you so’ if Geography had not worked out!

I have tried my best to be a good father, P, as much as my character and circumstances have allowed me. But that was my job, and I do not write the previous sentence with any implication of ‘gratitude’ from you. My desire and hope were to be a present, supportive and loving dad – though I always knew I would struggle with ‘fun’ – and that ambition does not go away as you move into the world.

From my side

I do not want to lay anything on you about my worries and concerns right now as that would not be fair – and this letter is one way. But, hopefully, over the time to come, with a beer or a whisky or gin, lime and soda in hand, we will have time to chat. But you are always free to ask me any questions you want – about me, life, jobs.

We are both in new phases are we not? I think my parents always expected more of my brother and me than was strictly fair and their lives continued to revolve around us which, in turn, placed us under pressure.

I / we should not make the same mistake – while always knowing that we remain at your side.

Advice

I leave it to others more successful and confident to provide life advice:

Tim Minchin and Wear Sunscreen

Along the lines of the latter, continue to have greens and clean the toilet regularly! And make friends, ask questions, move with confidence, look after yourself and build confidants!

Back to you

Thank you, Poppi, for what you have given me and for being who you are. I would go through a thousand lifetimes to come back to those moments when you awoke, with me next to you, and you would give me that wide open smile.

I wish you luck in your new life. From Joseph Conrad:

‘Only the young have such moments. I don't mean the very young. No. The very young have, properly speaking, no moments. It is the privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days in all the beautiful continuity of hope which knows no pauses and no introspection.

‘One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness - and enters an enchanted garden. Its very shades glow with promise. Every turn of the path has its seduction. And it isn't because it is an undiscovered country. One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way. It is the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation - a bit of one's own.

‘One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the predecessors, excited, amused, taking the hard luck and the good luck together - the kicks and the half-pence, as the saying is - the picturesque common lot that holds so many possibilities for the deserving or perhaps for the lucky. Yes. One goes on. And the time, too, goes on - till one perceives ahead a shadow-line warning one that the region of early youth, too, must be left behind.’

It will, I hope, be a wonderful time you are entering – one that will have its troubles as all phases do. But in good times or bad, remember that I / we are here and will do the best we can. If I have been ‘ok’ so far, let us build on that in future years and if I have not, give me a chance to improve.

With love always

Baba

223: Two Letters - the not so nice one

 The reaction to my request for a separation has been different from what I had expected. I had anticipated that she had been equally unhappy and disappointed in me. Turns out that, for the moment, she was happy and did not regard me as a complete dufus.

Confidant: 222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I was going to write a letter anyway but a couple of conversations prompted me to do so earlier than I had thought:

15 October 2024

My dear M.

You know that I am better on paper than face to face – but, obviously, I could not say what I did last Sunday in writing. Please allow me this one-way communication for some thoughts.

My Feelings

I cannot justify or pretend that my asking for a separation is for anyone else’s perceived benefit than mine. You started to ask me questions the other day and this morning, so it seems fair to try and explain a little further.

Not 2015

What I have most struggled with – and, please, again, this is from my point of view only – is an obvious level of anger through much of our married life and a sense of unhappiness and need to control.

I remember writing to you way back in Brussels (2000) or speaking to you in Delhi (2001) about, really, how we had everything, but you would be upset, nevertheless. There is little point in going over examples or explanations both before and after the major blow out of 2015 but, and I have shared this with you in the past, I repeatedly felt belittled, humiliated and would go to bed crying. I felt neither useful nor a very good person – otherwise how could you speak like that? Yes, much of that negativity is in my make up as you surmise but, as I mentioned when we spoke, I had hoped to move into a new environment after marriage.

We never spoke about you directly but your baba and jethi spoke to me (unprompted) about your family’s (dad's mother's side) ‘world famous anger’. Ultimately, I put it down to DNA.

I am perfectly willing to admit that you are simply unaware of the effect that your temper has on people – and, again, I have pointed that out in the past. You would be angry, and then happy and sunny in the next moment, as if nothing had happened. That is a struggle for me. As you have stated, I do not like confrontation, you see nothing wrong in it.

In our discussion now, you have said that you have not been unhappy and that you consider me a nice person. But too much water has flowed under the bridge for me to consider rowing back – I am sorry. I know that you will be angry at me for what I have done.

Me (again)

I am perfectly aware that I am not an easy person to live with. My work colleagues see me as a grumpy type, I have not been a ‘fun’ father, and I haven’t bought enough presents or been romantic with you. Within those limitations, and, no doubt, others, I have tried to be a present person and a helpful one.

Would it have been different with someone else? An impossible question to answer. There has been no one else before or after you and there will not be in the future. There would have been other frustrations no doubt. One of the points I made when in counselling was that I am not an ‘environment maker’. Te or E or T could walk into a room and a dour one would become a happy one. My behaviour, on the other hand, would be influenced by the room. So, maybe, I am best alone.

 You

It goes without saying that you are a highly intelligent, highly functioning adult. You are vivacious, charming, dynamic – and your friends and colleagues, I am sure, appreciate that. With regard to our partnership, I have admired those qualities and been proud to have you by my side; amongst many instances, for example, G and P and K have been disappointed not to see you when they and I have met. Your influence has resulted in a more gorgeous and a higher quality of life than the ‘functional B’ might have gone for – and I am grateful for that.

You chose not to work for a long time but that was your decision – P benefited of course. I always thought that the lack of work was causing many of those frustrations and am very happy to see where you are now.

A cliched phrase I know but there is every possibility for you to ‘lean into’ your abilities and really go for it. And if you find someone along the way with the same level of dynamism who can give you far more than I have, that would be fabulous. (my amateur reading of your hand suggests you will.)

I will always remember Isaac’s description of you as, ‘Isn’t that P’s mum – she is smiling even when no one is looking.’

Us

We have had some good times I think – even away from our work as parents. It has, perhaps, not been the ‘first-class’ life, given my earnings, but I like to think it has not been too bad. As I mention above, you led me to a better life, and I tried my best to be a supportive husband.

The Future

You are only 51 and I am 55. There is, hopefully, a good life ahead of us as independent adults. One of the many things I admired about your parents (and your father in particular I suppose) was that, while supporting the family, they also focused on themselves and knew how to enjoy what life could do for them. My parents, on the other hand, narrowed down to my brother and me (particularly him) and that did not do anyone any favours.

I have spoken about some of that to P. How we will always be there by his side but, at the same time, he needs his freedom, and we need our’s. We have this one life; we have worked hard and there is a journey ahead. Each of us is one in 8 billion and so we have to be wary of self-importance – none of it really matters other than to create a little bit of what we enjoy, and that is down to each of us as individuals and not dependent on others.

I don’t know M. Thank you for reading. I will always be open to discussing what you may wish to explore. If there is a way of taking some counselling for all of us to help us through this transition, would be happy to investigate.

Yours

B.

 

222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong?

 Well,  I have had my say and stated that I want to separate - Confidant: 221: If not now, when ...? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Abd this from last year Confidant: 201: A Last set of family Christmas cards? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

There is no good time for a conversation like this but a Sunday afternoon seemed appropriate - and I know she has a busy week coming up with evening commitments as well.

Actually, I started by asking whether, since the blowout of 2015 - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and the Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com), she had ever considered separation?

She said, 'No, but are you?' 'Yes'. 'Ok - well, I won't stand in your way.' And that was it.

We then had a civil, takeaway dinner together.

I asked her, 'Have you not felt unhappy at Us? I had always assumed you did.'

Her: 'No.'

Me: 'My interpretation of your actions has always been that you are unhappy and, frankly, that I am not a very nice person.'

She: 'I have not been unhappy and I have always considered you a nice person.'

She: 'But tell me one thing. Today I am working and earning and have an independent life. If I were still not working, would you have thought more about duty and guilt and stayed?'

Me: 'I am still feeling guilty. It would have been more difficult but would have been the same result.'

She: 'Would this still be happening if I had not blown up in 2015? My head was wrong at that time.'

Me: '2015 was just the culmination of much time before then. Your favourite saying is that people's characters don't change - so, I am grumpy and ungenerous and you are angry and judgemental. My fear has been that you and I would end up where my parents ended up at the end of their lives.'

Thankfully, she has been talking to some of her friends - and one of the husbands has been - on the sly - messaging me on the discussion. She has been 'blaming herself' as there is no one else for me and there has never been. I wonder when that will turn to anger - it will, surely?

So, was it just misinterpretation on my part? Does she really not realise the damage she creates with her words and her anger?

There is still a possibility of reconciling I suppose - by my saying, 'so you don't dislike me? I am a sort of competent person?'

But, no. Behaviours of 25 years do not change overnight. And, in any case, spending time and questioning her own behaviour for fear of my being upset is no way to live - I know, because I have spent much time worrying about my actions in the light of her possible reaction. I worry about  Confidant: 188: The Dangers of Amnesia (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I see no scenario where I would be pleased to spend the rest of my life with her - without subsuming myself completely.

(She  does not want her mother - in India - ever to know as it would 'kill her'. She is also worried about our son who is away at university. My thought had been to get him down to lunch and tell him but she counselled more time - perhaps over Christmas when we will have him for a longer period. That seems sensible.

She - my wife - also keeps asking about who knows about this. I said that my brother and sister in law know we had issues as my wife had written to my cousin in 2015 'about me' behind my back. My cousin had then told her father. At which point I had felt obligated to tell my parents and brother as I did not want them to hear from someone else.  My wife never told me about the letter she had written - my cousin told me.

My wife had also written to another cousin whom we may visit this weekend - she has still not told me that she had written to this one also! And, therefore, my aunt and uncle know about the history.

My brother and parents and cousins and aunts all got to know through her letters and not my sharing. And I always counselled them not to 'take my side' but, if she were to ask, to respond as they would to a friend. And everyone has behaved with her as if nothing had been written or said. My mother simply told me to suck it up and not even think about leaving - ever. Admittedly our son was small then, and I did not leave).

221: If not now, when ...?

So, our son is away at university now and, though still in London, staying away in halls - at least for the first year.

My wife and I are, therefore, on our own. 

And while things have been ok the last few years since the blowouts of 2015 / 16, I continue to feel that I have to leave this relationship.

But how to address and approach? How is she feeling right now about 'us'? 

She is quite enthused about my current assignment which has taken me to Dublin now and again - 'working abroad will be good for you?' Is that a suggestion that she is thinking along the same lines - that we would be better apart? Or that - empathetically - she senses some of my frustration and genuinely wants me to have some time of my own.

There are three reasons to stay in the current unconvincing arrangement. (1) because it is easier to do so and removes much angst - but does it? Is she perhaps feeling the same frustrations and is unable to say anything for the same reasons? (2) that I have a 'duty' to stay which combines with (3) that she would be unable to cope without me.

For '2', I did not force the issue for the last many years because I could not countenance a life without our son. I stayed not because of him but because of me. And '3' would appear patronising as she is an intelligent, highly functioning adult doing a job she enjoys. I really bring nothing to her - other than being a relatively good driver! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My fear, you see, is that we will end up pretty much where my parents did. There is no doubt that I am grumpy and a bit of an Eyeore and there is equally no doubt that she is angry and judgemental. So, at age 87 or 88, my father, 'Then, one year (2015 I think) he told me that I was the only one he could confide in – that he was being treated ‘like a servant in his own home'. My mother was and is not an easy woman and their's was a harsh relationship from the outside – with mutual anger and recriminations that came out more and more over the years. I told him that I was in the same boat and that it was our lot in life to put one step in front of the other and carry on!'

And, as stated in her autobiography, my mother was resentful and angry till the end.

What a waste of lives it would be to end up like that - however long or short the road ahead may be.

As the agony aunt (Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)) wrote to me:

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time. 

At the very least, we need to have the conversation that I have postponed since 2016 - preferring some sort of stasis to protect our son's environment than bring unpleasantness to a head. Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

220: It's a quarter after 3 - and a moment ....

 It's a quarter after 3 and I can't sleep.

A propos of nothing really, that line reminded me of Lady A – Need You Now Lyrics | Genius Lyrics - though it is not a 'quarter after one'!

My son came back from India today. He had gone with his mother and came back on his own - she returns early next week.

As I write this. I can hear him sleeping in the other room, gently snoring. During the day he is busy sorting out his courses and options after Confidant: 218: A Fabulous Day (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) as well as applying to financial institutions for internships and so on. 

It is one of those rare moments in life where everything seems in balance - I remember one such when I was 18 or so; somehow issues and troubles and concerns and worries what ... melt away? no, maybe just form a continuum - and it is just me and ... what ... time? I am grateful.

So, I had to go downstairs, get the laptop and write.

I don't know what the next phase of life will bring. Yes, I believe I would be best on my own but let's see what is the best way to make that unfold. It doesn't really matter in a sense - life is good, almost fun - but, at the same time, I am sure of what needs to happen to stop regrets later.

I came across the document below - which must date from early 2017. And my 'ideal scenario' has pretty much worked out - maybe 70%. Not the 'thought leadership' and academic work so much but the contractor world, away from corporate and the necessary uplift in cashflow.

Some time before I got married, I remember being in an airport lounge with these 40 year olds ringing home and saying good night to their kids. Nothing wrong with that and I am not at all judging but I hoped that, if ever the time came, I would be able to be a present father. Confidant: 92 - Struggling and Tired (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). As luck and providence would have it, it came to pass.

So, what next? Dare I write down again? Can I be lucky for a third time in this, my last phase of life?

1. Need to make the change - strike out on my own.
2. Need a radical change in working life - I do not have the money to rest though they say, do they not, that a change is as good as a rest!
3. Need to achieve the U - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I do not know the path yet but that is the vision.

But let the days come, enjoy the present - a healthy and happy child, good health all round and money to keep us going will do fine too. I am thankful.

Better get some sleep!

219: Child

We are shopping for the 25th wedding anniversary present. I know she has wanted a luxury watch for a long while. 

Earlier, she had said that she would buy one with her earnings - the money that we do not touch and remains in her account. But she has never got round to buying. I have thought about this before - there seems to be a reluctance to spend her own money but no issue with our money!

Anyway ....

The watch will probably cost about £3000 or so and we go around some shops. And then she says, 'come on, come on, let's go, if we catch the train before 4 o'clock we can get the off-peak fair.'

I had to point out the irony of possibly saving a couple of pounds when we were spending thousands ...

Different topic. A friend of mine has a young daughter who is about to start full time school. 'J. says that she will be 'in-bits' when her daughter starts at primary.'

'Don't give me that,' is her retort. 'That girl has been going to nursery forever. J. has hardly looked after her. 'in-bits' indeed.'

Any normal person would have gone, 'awww ... I am sure they will both cope' or something a little empathetic.

But no, madam had to prove her superiority and make a judgement.

I dug out a quote from a very old blog entry - 2015 - and a relevant section is below - this judgement thing has always been there and makes having a conversation hard as some sort of opinion or strident advice will follow!

Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why should I share if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 '(You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 'P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.'

A Child - that is who I have made a life with, and while things are peaceable enough and have been for a while, tell me this cannot continue.

(and on that note, in the house She refers to me as Baba (as in father). When she calls me she almost always uses 'baba' instead of my name. Perhaps it started when our son was much younger but it has remained. Faux psychology would say that it is a subconscious protector / father thing; I find it irritating but don't bother addressing it!)