154: A Little Strange

I may be going way off-beam here but let's put it down anyway.

It was her birthday yesterday. Our son's school has not opened as yet after the Christmas holidays and so we agreed that we would go today (7th Jan) instead to a posh restaurant in town.

3 full weeks of holiday and shirts and trousers were not ironed for the return to school. I am half-way through the ironing when she realises what I am doing and shouts out, 'I will do that. You will not do my work - only if I ask you to. You are only doing this because you think me incapable.'

I don't - was simply trying to be helpful.

'You musn't think that you can't go for assignments out of town - that you have to be here for us. We are perfectly capable.'

I haven't turned down assignments and now that our son is 14 I would happily go away on consulting jobs during the week.

'Who packed away P.'s (our son) sleeping bag?' He did.

'You wouldn't have been able to anyway!' So, why ask the question?

'Because you keep doing our work.' [What I didn't say in response - yes, well, sorry to be helpful!]

This does not negate the fact that in the past I would only need to be out of the house a couple of evenings in the week and there would be drama. And for many years I would end up doing two shifts during the week and a significant amount of work on the weekends - Entry 47    Entry 43

(eg Entry 2 and this extract from Entry 21)

Presents and Support

In the past, every time I have bought a present, it has not been liked. Dress – you asked me not to buy any in the future; jewellery and watch – which we bought together – in a vault; handbag – returned and changed; flowers – you have specifically told me not to buy; spa – again, you have said you don’t want. A break on your own? Again, no. So, what is left, given that you do not have any particular interests / hobbies? Lingerie? A special meal with your friends for your 40^th? No. We did buy the Mac specifically for you. However, if those ‘nos’ were really ‘yes’ then I’m sorry.

I can go back to buying presents and I had intended to anyway. Ask this, though, of your friends. Flowers on Valentine’s Day and breakfast and a lie-in on Mother’s Day sure but .... Always doing the night shift with the baby? Me. Sleeping with him when he is ill? Me. Lying in most week-ends to 10 at least? You. Going downstairs at 1:30 am every night for six / nine months? Me. Doing hours and hours of ironing when the pile gets too much? Mostly me. In the early years, cleaning toilets, hoovering? Me. Cleaning your pubic hair from the shower and period blood from the toilet? Me. (I had left a streak for you which you have removed I saw). For a while, I would come home and even have to prepare our son's food some evenings.

You may say that you never asked for this support. Trust me. If I had to work late three evenings in a row there would be stress at home and I would be the bad guy. It got to the point where I was working at the office (which is no holiday by the way) and then starting a substantial second shift at home – which would last till 9pm. I decided that this was not fair – particularly as our son has been full time in school since 2009. So I decided to go swimming and have gradually pulled back from the cooking and washing up. If you want me to go back to it, tell me

So, I don't know. I feel as if that, while everything appears to be fine, there is some frustration building. She is always sweetness and light to external people and much of her misery and anger would come out on us. Now that she is being careful about that aspect, and treating us with less contempt, I wonder if she is holding too much in.

There is a manic aspect to her cheeriness .... or am I just over-imagining?

153: Happy New Year 2020

So, here we are  at the start of a new decade.

If I live, by 2030 I will have started my 60s. Will I be comfortably off? Will I be healthy?

My son - if he's gone to university - will be reaching the end of that and, hopefully, continuing on a satisfying and happy life with love and friends.

Way, way back - must have been 1998 or 1997 - before I was married or even considering being so, I was in an airport lounge and hoped that I would be a 'present' father and supportive husband - ie not always on a plane and sacrificing the home for the career.

'Sacrificing' is the wrong word actually because it has negative connotations. It suggests that what has transpired for me is the 'better' way - that is not what I mean at all. Genuinely - each to their own and luck and circumstance have such big hands to play.

What has indeed happened is that I have been able to be the father that I wanted - at least in terms of presence at home and reading stories and cuddles and school events and so much more. I believe my son and I have a good relationship and I pray that that continues.

I have clearly not been the husband that I would have wanted. Physically I believe I have done more than many others in terms of support in the home and my wife has had no binds on her actions because of me or my work. But that has not proved good enough. And I cannot forget all that was said and the years of torture before.

In 1998, philosophically, that was a bold wish, but much of it came through - even if the consequences have not been what they might be!

What do I wish for the next major period as I work through my fifties?

I did not have this diary then and so is it more of an issue to write something down?!

In reality, while I thought it would be, it is not difficult to put down what I wish for.

So, while I will always want to continue to support the family as necessary and have the emotional and material ability to do so, by then I do want my independence.

152: Julian Barnes - Love etc. - clever lines

Many years ago I read an author called Julian Barnes - http://www.julianbarnes.com/. In his book A History of the World in Ten and Half Chapters, I particularly remember an essay on the different constructions of the expression I Love You - object after subject etc, Ti amo, je t'aime. In the same section, I think, there was a paragraph or two on love being like a remote control of a garage; always expect it to be there but then one day it does not work.

Anyway, I've also read Sense of an Ending and there are always clever passages on love and relationships and character and the power of words and actions.

I just finished Love etc. and it is no different. Like any good novel, and any good novelist, the writing resonates - reflects back one's own thoughts and feelings; we may be individuals but, actually, everything has been felt and thought before.

Hope I am not busting any copyright rules here but the following sections cover several strands in my thoughts that I have tried to put down - albeit rather less eloquently than Mr Barnes:

Entry 94: Betrayal from those I trust - Barnes writes, 'No, real betrayal occurs among friends, among those you love. Friendship and love are meant to make people behave better, aren't they? But that's not  been my experience. Trust leads to betrayal. You could even say that trust invites betrayal.'

Entry 125: Alone but not lonely - Barnes writes in a voice of one of the characters who has been divorced. 'It is not so much that I do not want, as that I do not want to want. I do not desire to desire.'

Entry 107: No Dependency/ Fear of the Same  - I want to be alone in the future for fear of repeating the same situation again. The same character as the one above has an affair with a married man. One day they have to go shopping at Waitrose and the man sees the future as the same as the past - shopping, daily cooking, cleaning etc.. He blanches and walks away from the affair. Am I like him? 'He knew, or at least he could not persuade himself from thinking, that love was not a magical state, or not one only, but rather the start of a journey, which led, sooner or later, to a Waitrose card.'

Entry 150 - Looking to the Future - 'and if you're on your own, you don't have to worry about someone else wanting something. Because that takes up a lot of time too.'

Entry 52: Reaching the ADI (!) - 'ADI (how much pesticide our body can absorb) is acceptable daily intake. MRL (amount of pesticide allowed in food) is maximum residue limit.... When people live together, some of them produce the equivalent of pesticides which are harmful to others. What's the MRL of him over there, that fellow who is always sneering? Or, if you lived with her for any length of time, what would be your ADI?'

I read History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters perhaps three decades ago, and a line about History being like a burp came to mind when I found an old letter - Entry 155 - History - when will she burp again?

151: Aargh ..... and being selfish

New Year's Day 2020.

One of my wife's university friends was visiting for NYE along with her family.

The morning after the night before and this friend and I were having a general, gentle conversation about this and that. I was doing most of the listening.

Then my wife comes down. And not in any disrespectful way or anything, completely takes over - with anecdotes about her family, sociological extrapolations about why certain communities do this or don't do that, all in that relentless, incessant voice ... so I just walked out and made breakfast for everyone!!

But then, yesterday, in the evening, an interesting conversation.

I wrote in Entry 150 about how a couple of days ago I had said the previous day that I would prefer to have the car about 4 pm so I could go to the gym. She fiddled and faddled in the morning and then said she would not be back in time - so I went for a run on the roads instead.

For this morning (2nd Jan), I said that it would be useful if I could have the car as I needed to go across town for an urgent errand - being at my mum's house while a new boiler was fitted.

She said, 'You should just tell me that you need the car and that I should make my own arrangements if need to go somewhere.

'The other day, you said that it would be good if I came back before 4 pm - you should have said I needed to be back.

'Learn to think more about yourself. You are the opposite of most people.''

And then she went to our son and said, 'Our project for the next decade for your father is to make him unreasonable and selfish.'

Really? After all the shit I have had to take? Admittedly a lower volume of the stuff directed at me the last few years since the Entry 99 - Dramatic Turnaround but the attitudes and assumptions have not changed.

So, I ask again, 'Really?' Ok then ... may it be so.

150: Irritations and the Future

150th blog entry - a sort of landmark I suppose!

Have been at home for coming up to two months now. I work as an independent consultant and I have not yet been able to pick up a new assignment since the last one ended in early November - now it is the end of December.

Life has been pleasant enough. The jewellery I bought for the 20th anniversary turned out to be identical to one bought earlier. So, that has been replaced - expensively. Perfume. Money has been spent and, therefore, things are good with the world.

But the irritations continue.

One Sunday I shop and cook and take our son to football and come back and look after his food while she has been browsing on the phone and has not even showered - and I am criticised for the choice of meat cuts!

As usual she is folding clothes at 10 pm when it could have been done during the day and watching TV on high volume - enough to be heard around the house and, in particular, potentially disturbing our son's sleep. I ask her to turn it down - she refuses.

I come home having been out all day on errands and she is at the foot of the stairs looking at her phone - I work the dinner. 'I must show you the Facebook page of X,' she says. X is a friend of a friend and someone who she spent a few days with and is likely never to see again. Why waste time stalking people on FB that you have no interest in?

Last night she asks me when I intend to go to the gym as she has to go shopping.. I say, 'oh, sbout 4 pm.' Today the day passes - she doesn't wake up until 10 am. Then does this and that. At about 1 pm she says that she will not be back in time - she will not hurry her shopping for me. Fair enough, but why then ask in the first place?

And, you know, this is a sort of casual / instinctive selfishness - perhaps not even deliberate thought but just a lack of perception about anyone other than oneself. No doubt she will say the same about me but it is what it is.

And so, when I think of the future, I think of the huge burden that will be lifted if I succeed in being on my own - away from her. Nominally, the only way I see that happening is that our son moves to university and I take the important step of separation. But I truly - truly - cannot envisage the years that I have left continually having to think about her.

I suppose I am also disturbed because a former headteacher at my old high school passed away yesterday. She can't have been more than in her mid to late 50s but was suddenly struck with bowel cancer. A huge tragedy for her family - a husband and a three daughters I think. Her husband was my PE teacher and the three of us played many games of badminton together in the mid and late 80s.

I suppose the question there is whether one should wait before trying to find some peace - as who knows what time we have left.

But it is not a choice right now. The negative thrown at our child would far outweigh any good that may come out of it. There is little doubt that he would prefer to stay with me but there would no end to the drama.

The onesome silver-splitter will have to wait!

149: Tale of Weekends

There is a continuity here from the previous post.

A couple of week-ends ago, while joshing around with friends in his room, our son had spilt quite a lot of fanta or some other drink on the floor. He had tried to clean up but had not done a very good job of it. Her anger was partly justified but it was all a bit dominating.

A couple of days later, he drops some more in the kitchen. I am upstairs and I can hear her SCREAMING at him. As a hint that this may have been a little over the top, I suggest that our neighbours would have heard her!! 'So, they did, so what?' was the response.

The following week-end was fine and pleasant.

This last week-end, after a very calm one, she started shouting at him on Sunday evening for what was or was not in his pencil case. On and on and on.

So, not in front of our son, I state clearly that what I remember most about my mother was her temper and her shouting and that if that is what she wants to leave as a legacy then 'carry on doing what you are doing.'

'That's between you and your mother. And our son is different from you,' she snapped back. But then, nothing, where I was ready for further debate.

What gets me almost as much as the noise and stress itself, is the hypocrisy. Yes, my mum could be harsh but when expecting high standards, she also delivered them herself. Everything was on time, the house was clean ... she worked hard, our father worked hard and she expected my brother and I to do so as well.

Here:

Have to leave the house for the school run at 7:45 am and she does not come down to make the packed lunch and have her coffee before 7:20 am. Our son also takes his time in the morning but as soon as she is done, is continually harangued.

He is told to tidy his room but her room has, for example, now had little sample bottles - of perfume, soap and stuff that she has taken from various hotel rooms - all over the floor for 3 days. Our lovely cleaner is coming tomorrow and so, no doubt, they will be cleared before then.

For the school drop, she has in the past taken her breakfast - stodgy cereal - in a bowl in a bag in the car.

And again, none of that matters if she were to apply the same standards to others as she does to herself. But she does not.

Consistency of character is an important point, isn't it? At work, with friends should not be a contrast to when the front door is closed. I imagine that there are folk who are 3 'different' people in each of those environments. She is one such - mixture of good and bad in all scenarios (like all of us) but some things like the anger and entitlement and micro-management and judgement and lazy generalisations and hectoring are not seen outside.

148: Random Notes – random instructions and telling off / temper

It is Saturday morning. We have to leave at 10:45 am to pick up our son from a rugby match and then drive to a festival a couple of hours away. One of our son’s friends has stayed overnight.

I wake up, have a shower, get the boys up, give them breakfast, empty and then load the dishwasher, make coffee for her and me, drop them off at the rugby, pick up lunch on the way back and, for about a half-hour, sit down to watch some sport on TV. It is 10 am.

She has done essentially nothing other than given instructions to our cleaner who has arrived at 9.

Comes out of the shower. ‘Oh, there’s tons to do … can you do it?’ And then, ‘Oh, it’s only 10:15, I’ll do it.’

Then, suddenly, at 10:40, ‘can you empty the bins in the bathroom, take the rubbish out from the kitchen, get his stuff ready for after the rugby ….’

Don’t mind doing any of that but do resent being harangued and instructed at the last minute. Why not some timeliness and organisation?

Then it is Sunday evening. English as a subject is not our son’s strong point but he is trying – as she herself has told me. Now and again I check his homework but he clearly resents it and, actually, I can’t help him with myriad other subjects – so we need to trust him. And, overall, he is doing very well.

She clearly had some beef going and went on at him that I should check his work. I later suggested to her that it was wrong to – suddenly – get on his back when he is doing well overall and appears to be trying in English. We should be objective about it and so, if there are concerns, we should make an appointment with his English teacher and get some facts together. After another diatribe which was mainly ‘noise’, she agreed.

Our son, while speaking to his mum, had copied what he had written and sent it to himself by email – leaving the document he was working on blank. However, all I had to was Paste and I could see what he had written – which was pretty good actually! I think.

Perfectly pleasant week-end spoiled by her temper. I remember my mother being like that – continuously losing her temper and often haranguing. I struggled to shake it off but our son appears to be made of sterner stuff and does not seem to get down. 

Soon – if not already – he will begin to ignore all the noise.