222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong?

 Well,  I have had my say and stated that I want to separate - Confidant: 221: If not now, when ...? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Abd this from last year Confidant: 201: A Last set of family Christmas cards? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

There is no good time for a conversation like this but a Sunday afternoon seemed appropriate - and I know she has a busy week coming up with evening commitments as well.

Actually, I started by asking whether, since the blowout of 2015 - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and the Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com), she had ever considered separation?

She said, 'No, but are you?' 'Yes'. 'Ok - well, I won't stand in your way.' And that was it.

We then had a civil, takeaway dinner together.

I asked her, 'Have you not felt unhappy at Us? I had always assumed you did.'

Her: 'No.'

Me: 'My interpretation of your actions has always been that you are unhappy and, frankly, that I am not a very nice person.'

She: 'I have not been unhappy and I have always considered you a nice person.'

She: 'But tell me one thing. Today I am working and earning and have an independent life. If I were still not working, would you have thought more about duty and guilt and stayed?'

Me: 'I am still feeling guilty. It would have been more difficult but would have been the same result.'

She: 'Would this still be happening if I had not blown up in 2015? My head was wrong at that time.'

Me: '2015 was just the culmination of much time before then. Your favourite saying is that people's characters don't change - so, I am grumpy and ungenerous and you are angry and judgemental. My fear has been that you and I would end up where my parents ended up at the end of their lives.'

Thankfully, she has been talking to some of her friends - and one of the husbands has been - on the sly - messaging me on the discussion. She has been 'blaming herself' as there is no one else for me and there has never been. I wonder when that will turn to anger - it will, surely?

So, was it just misinterpretation on my part? Does she really not realise the damage she creates with her words and her anger?

There is still a possibility of reconciling I suppose - by my saying, 'so you don't dislike me? I am a sort of competent person?'

But, no. Behaviours of 25 years do not change overnight. And, in any case, spending time and questioning her own behaviour for fear of my being upset is no way to live - I know, because I have spent much time worrying about my actions in the light of her possible reaction. I worry about  Confidant: 188: The Dangers of Amnesia (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I see no scenario where I would be pleased to spend the rest of my life with her - without subsuming myself completely.

(She  does not want her mother - in India - ever to know as it would 'kill her'. She is also worried about our son who is away at university. My thought had been to get him down to lunch and tell him but she counselled more time - perhaps over Christmas when we will have him for a longer period. That seems sensible.

She - my wife - also keeps asking about who knows about this. I said that my brother and sister in law know we had issues as my wife had written to my cousin in 2015 'about me' behind my back. My cousin had then told her father. At which point I had felt obligated to tell my parents and brother as I did not want them to hear from someone else.  My wife never told me about the letter she had written - my cousin told me.

My wife had also written to another cousin whom we may visit this weekend - she has still not told me that she had written to this one also! And, therefore, my aunt and uncle know about the history.

My brother and parents and cousins and aunts all got to know through her letters and not my sharing. And I always counselled them not to 'take my side' but, if she were to ask, to respond as they would to a friend. And everyone has behaved with her as if nothing had been written or said. My mother simply told me to suck it up and not even think about leaving - ever. Admittedly our son was small then, and I did not leave).

221: If not now, when ...?

So, our son is away at university now and, though still in London, staying away in halls - at least for the first year.

My wife and I are, therefore, on our own. 

And while things have been ok the last few years since the blowouts of 2015 / 16, I continue to feel that I have to leave this relationship.

But how to address and approach? How is she feeling right now about 'us'? 

She is quite enthused about my current assignment which has taken me to Dublin now and again - 'working abroad will be good for you?' Is that a suggestion that she is thinking along the same lines - that we would be better apart? Or that - empathetically - she senses some of my frustration and genuinely wants me to have some time of my own.

There are three reasons to stay in the current unconvincing arrangement. (1) because it is easier to do so and removes much angst - but does it? Is she perhaps feeling the same frustrations and is unable to say anything for the same reasons? (2) that I have a 'duty' to stay which combines with (3) that she would be unable to cope without me.

For '2', I did not force the issue for the last many years because I could not countenance a life without our son. I stayed not because of him but because of me. And '3' would appear patronising as she is an intelligent, highly functioning adult doing a job she enjoys. I really bring nothing to her - other than being a relatively good driver! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My fear, you see, is that we will end up pretty much where my parents did. There is no doubt that I am grumpy and a bit of an Eyeore and there is equally no doubt that she is angry and judgemental. So, at age 87 or 88, my father, 'Then, one year (2015 I think) he told me that I was the only one he could confide in – that he was being treated ‘like a servant in his own home'. My mother was and is not an easy woman and their's was a harsh relationship from the outside – with mutual anger and recriminations that came out more and more over the years. I told him that I was in the same boat and that it was our lot in life to put one step in front of the other and carry on!'

And, as stated in her autobiography, my mother was resentful and angry till the end.

What a waste of lives it would be to end up like that - however long or short the road ahead may be.

As the agony aunt (Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)) wrote to me:

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time. 

At the very least, we need to have the conversation that I have postponed since 2016 - preferring some sort of stasis to protect our son's environment than bring unpleasantness to a head. Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)