222: And the deed is done ... but was I wrong?

 Well,  I have had my say and stated that I want to separate - Confidant: 221: If not now, when ...? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Abd this from last year Confidant: 201: A Last set of family Christmas cards? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

There is no good time for a conversation like this but a Sunday afternoon seemed appropriate - and I know she has a busy week coming up with evening commitments as well.

Actually, I started by asking whether, since the blowout of 2015 - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and the Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com), she had ever considered separation?

She said, 'No, but are you?' 'Yes'. 'Ok - well, I won't stand in your way.' And that was it.

We then had a civil, takeaway dinner together.

I asked her, 'Have you not felt unhappy at Us? I had always assumed you did.'

Her: 'No.'

Me: 'My interpretation of your actions has always been that you are unhappy and, frankly, that I am not a very nice person.'

She: 'I have not been unhappy and I have always considered you a nice person.'

She: 'But tell me one thing. Today I am working and earning and have an independent life. If I were still not working, would you have thought more about duty and guilt and stayed?'

Me: 'I am still feeling guilty. It would have been more difficult but would have been the same result.'

She: 'Would this still be happening if I had not blown up in 2015? My head was wrong at that time.'

Me: '2015 was just the culmination of much time before then. Your favourite saying is that people's characters don't change - so, I am grumpy and ungenerous and you are angry and judgemental. My fear has been that you and I would end up where my parents ended up at the end of their lives.'

Thankfully, she has been talking to some of her friends - and one of the husbands has been - on the sly - messaging me on the discussion. She has been 'blaming herself' as there is no one else for me and there has never been. I wonder when that will turn to anger - it will, surely?

So, was it just misinterpretation on my part? Does she really not realise the damage she creates with her words and her anger?

There is still a possibility of reconciling I suppose - by my saying, 'so you don't dislike me? I am a sort of competent person?'

But, no. Behaviours of 25 years do not change overnight. And, in any case, spending time and questioning her own behaviour for fear of my being upset is no way to live - I know, because I have spent much time worrying about my actions in the light of her possible reaction. I worry about  Confidant: 188: The Dangers of Amnesia (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I see no scenario where I would be pleased to spend the rest of my life with her - without subsuming myself completely.

(She  does not want her mother - in India - ever to know as it would 'kill her'. She is also worried about our son who is away at university. My thought had been to get him down to lunch and tell him but she counselled more time - perhaps over Christmas when we will have him for a longer period. That seems sensible.

She - my wife - also keeps asking about who knows about this. I said that my brother and sister in law know we had issues as my wife had written to my cousin in 2015 'about me' behind my back. My cousin had then told her father. At which point I had felt obligated to tell my parents and brother as I did not want them to hear from someone else.  My wife never told me about the letter she had written - my cousin told me.

My wife had also written to another cousin whom we may visit this weekend - she has still not told me that she had written to this one also! And, therefore, my aunt and uncle know about the history.

My brother and parents and cousins and aunts all got to know through her letters and not my sharing. And I always counselled them not to 'take my side' but, if she were to ask, to respond as they would to a friend. And everyone has behaved with her as if nothing had been written or said. My mother simply told me to suck it up and not even think about leaving - ever. Admittedly our son was small then, and I did not leave).

221: If not now, when ...?

So, our son is away at university now and, though still in London, staying away in halls - at least for the first year.

My wife and I are, therefore, on our own. 

And while things have been ok the last few years since the blowouts of 2015 / 16, I continue to feel that I have to leave this relationship.

But how to address and approach? How is she feeling right now about 'us'? 

She is quite enthused about my current assignment which has taken me to Dublin now and again - 'working abroad will be good for you?' Is that a suggestion that she is thinking along the same lines - that we would be better apart? Or that - empathetically - she senses some of my frustration and genuinely wants me to have some time of my own.

There are three reasons to stay in the current unconvincing arrangement. (1) because it is easier to do so and removes much angst - but does it? Is she perhaps feeling the same frustrations and is unable to say anything for the same reasons? (2) that I have a 'duty' to stay which combines with (3) that she would be unable to cope without me.

For '2', I did not force the issue for the last many years because I could not countenance a life without our son. I stayed not because of him but because of me. And '3' would appear patronising as she is an intelligent, highly functioning adult doing a job she enjoys. I really bring nothing to her - other than being a relatively good driver! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My fear, you see, is that we will end up pretty much where my parents did. There is no doubt that I am grumpy and a bit of an Eyeore and there is equally no doubt that she is angry and judgemental. So, at age 87 or 88, my father, 'Then, one year (2015 I think) he told me that I was the only one he could confide in – that he was being treated ‘like a servant in his own home'. My mother was and is not an easy woman and their's was a harsh relationship from the outside – with mutual anger and recriminations that came out more and more over the years. I told him that I was in the same boat and that it was our lot in life to put one step in front of the other and carry on!'

And, as stated in her autobiography, my mother was resentful and angry till the end.

What a waste of lives it would be to end up like that - however long or short the road ahead may be.

As the agony aunt (Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)) wrote to me:

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time. 

At the very least, we need to have the conversation that I have postponed since 2016 - preferring some sort of stasis to protect our son's environment than bring unpleasantness to a head. Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

220: It's a quarter after 3 - and a moment ....

 It's a quarter after 3 and I can't sleep.

A propos of nothing really, that line reminded me of Lady A – Need You Now Lyrics | Genius Lyrics - though it is not a 'quarter after one'!

My son came back from India today. He had gone with his mother and came back on his own - she returns early next week.

As I write this. I can hear him sleeping in the other room, gently snoring. During the day he is busy sorting out his courses and options after Confidant: 218: A Fabulous Day (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) as well as applying to financial institutions for internships and so on. 

It is one of those rare moments in life where everything seems in balance - I remember one such when I was 18 or so; somehow issues and troubles and concerns and worries what ... melt away? no, maybe just form a continuum - and it is just me and ... what ... time? I am grateful.

So, I had to go downstairs, get the laptop and write.

I don't know what the next phase of life will bring. Yes, I believe I would be best on my own but let's see what is the best way to make that unfold. It doesn't really matter in a sense - life is good, almost fun - but, at the same time, I am sure of what needs to happen to stop regrets later.

I came across the document below - which must date from early 2017. And my 'ideal scenario' has pretty much worked out - maybe 70%. Not the 'thought leadership' and academic work so much but the contractor world, away from corporate and the necessary uplift in cashflow.

Some time before I got married, I remember being in an airport lounge with these 40 year olds ringing home and saying good night to their kids. Nothing wrong with that and I am not at all judging but I hoped that, if ever the time came, I would be able to be a present father. Confidant: 92 - Struggling and Tired (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). As luck and providence would have it, it came to pass.

So, what next? Dare I write down again? Can I be lucky for a third time in this, my last phase of life?

1. Need to make the change - strike out on my own.
2. Need a radical change in working life - I do not have the money to rest though they say, do they not, that a change is as good as a rest!
3. Need to achieve the U - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

I do not know the path yet but that is the vision.

But let the days come, enjoy the present - a healthy and happy child, good health all round and money to keep us going will do fine too. I am thankful.

Better get some sleep!

219: Child

We are shopping for the 25th wedding anniversary present. I know she has wanted a luxury watch for a long while. 

Earlier, she had said that she would buy one with her earnings - the money that we do not touch and remains in her account. But she has never got round to buying. I have thought about this before - there seems to be a reluctance to spend her own money but no issue with our money!

Anyway ....

The watch will probably cost about £3000 or so and we go around some shops. And then she says, 'come on, come on, let's go, if we catch the train before 4 o'clock we can get the off-peak fair.'

I had to point out the irony of possibly saving a couple of pounds when we were spending thousands ...

Different topic. A friend of mine has a young daughter who is about to start full time school. 'J. says that she will be 'in-bits' when her daughter starts at primary.'

'Don't give me that,' is her retort. 'That girl has been going to nursery forever. J. has hardly looked after her. 'in-bits' indeed.'

Any normal person would have gone, 'awww ... I am sure they will both cope' or something a little empathetic.

But no, madam had to prove her superiority and make a judgement.

I dug out a quote from a very old blog entry - 2015 - and a relevant section is below - this judgement thing has always been there and makes having a conversation hard as some sort of opinion or strident advice will follow!

Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why should I share if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 '(You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 'P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.'

A Child - that is who I have made a life with, and while things are peaceable enough and have been for a while, tell me this cannot continue.

(and on that note, in the house She refers to me as Baba (as in father). When she calls me she almost always uses 'baba' instead of my name. Perhaps it started when our son was much younger but it has remained. Faux psychology would say that it is a subconscious protector / father thing; I find it irritating but don't bother addressing it!)

218: A Fabulous Day

 August 15, 2024 - our 25th wedding anniversary!!!

Well, it is in fact a day to celebrate as what we do have out of our marriage - and what gives my life any meaning - is our son.

Confidant: 114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks' (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Confidant: 68: Our Son, our lovely, lovely son (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And August 15 was his A Level results day.

And he did very, very well.

He's off to Imperial College, London to study Mechanical Engineering - and his friends did well too.

The end of school, a fantastic conclusion.

I could not be happier for him. He worked really hard and put in tons of effort - and was rewarded.

A relief for me as I did not want him to be disappointed and I am sure a boost for him as he walks towards his ambitions.

And his Maths teacher sent me a lovely note - can't add more to that: 

It was a pleasure to meet you and your family again today too! I just hope my sons turn out as intelligent, funny and likeable like (your son). It has been a real pleasure to teach him and I hope he pops in to update us from time to time.

 

Bittersweet – sad to see him leave, but bigger and better adventures await for him!

 

All the best

 

h

217: bits I still do not understand

Our son went away on a holiday with friends and so She and I went away to Berlin for the weekend about two weeks ago.

Our 25th wedding anniversary was coming up, I knew she wanted a very expensive watch - Omega, Rolex. Separately, on our earlier trip to France she made a big thing about getting tax back for some clothes we bought. And this time round, she bought cooking pans and scissors - that we do not need - and got VAT back on those as well.

So, on the basis that watches like that may have a greater range on continental Europe than London and we could get substantial VAT back, I suggested we spend some time shopping in Berlin. We had time for buying pans but I was completely ignored re: the watch.

Anyway, doesn't matter. She probably considered it mean of me to try and get some money back on a wedding anniversary present. Fair enough.

Completely different topic, I was reviewing my life insurance and I have had a policy ever since I left my permanent job. My wife initially agreed to have one herself but has never got round to doing it. I mention it now and again but there is never any action.

Why is that? Is it because I am a man and I am supposed to provide? And that if something were to happen to her, I am expected to simply carry on? Whereas I am supposed to make arrangements in the event of my demise?

216: You are presented with two choices - change or repeat ... choose wisely

Came across this quote on someone's FB page by chance - seems to speak to me!

Life is fine right now. Son's final year school exams over, just come back from a lovely holiday in France.

Minor things continue - microcosm of larger things and hence the resonance of the saying above.

On the last day in the Airbnb, am wrapping up the rubbish and it just so happens that there is a bag with non-recyclables and another with recyclables. She has tied up the former prematurely so it it impossible to open again - when she berates me for doing that usually. There are a few non-recyclables that turn up subsequently and I suggest that we pop them in a bin on the street rather than mix non with the recyclables.

'Just put it in the recyclables bag. Don't be so ridiculous.' Small point, does not matter but at home she would be adamant to the point of irritation about not doing the right thing. Muttered away about that.

We went somewhere by a #3 tram because the tourist office suggested it. 'We could have gone by #1'. Kept saying this through the trip and, on way back, took #1.

We searched out the correct tram to take us halfway to the airport - perfectly convenient to our apartment. 'We can get it from the square instead.' That is what we did. In fact, what she actually said was, 'shall we get it from the square?' My response, humorously, was, 'that's purely a rhetorical question, right? Yesterday you kept going on about #1, so we took #1. We will go to the square, that's fine!'

On the tram, this little old lady voluntarily asked us whether we knew where we had to go to get the shuttle bus for the final leg of the journey to the airport? I began to listen but my wife kept saying she knew and did not listen. So we waited at the wrong bus stop - until I pointed out that 'that bus over there' might be the right one - it was!

Back home, I gather the rubbish and throw it away. Admittedly, I had left some stuff in the fridge which she corrected me for - am not saying at all that I always get things right but I don't pretend perfection and nor do I berate others for mistakes that happen.

Having done 70% of the work, 'it's ok, you don't need to do anything.'

All about control. I let it go but by treating her behaviour as that of a child who needs to win all the time - not as a collaborative and complementary adult.

So, I guess my only skill remains at driving! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)