202: Happy New Year

 I loved a line in an article I read recently: 

'don’t kid yourself that people change. They just become more exaggerated versions of themselves, one way or another. Accepting this saves a lot of time'

If that is not a message from above, then I do not know what is!!!

Right now, She is on holiday in Rome with a friend - each leaving behind a (very happy) husband and son enjoying some peace and quiet!!

When she is away or in the middle of the night when all is quiet, I almost feel affection. She has so many good qualities but I am finding myself now getting irritated even at little things.

She was telling me about an article she had read about someone who had turned up at her aunt's Christmas lunch an hour late and realised that the world did not revolve around her. And, yet, there is still a quiet pride that her own family would routinely arrive at lunches and parties some hour and a half or more late. And there is often teasing about my own family's stress on punctuality. And, of course, she herself is not the best at timekeeping unless it is in her interest specifically.

Another Christmas has been navigated I think re: presents. After several blowouts over the years, I had suggested £600 each would be transferred from our joint account to our respective individual accounts -   Confidant: 108: Good Christmas and New Year but ... (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - though this does not solve issues and it is always a tight rope  Confidant: 106 - Glimpses (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

This year I suggested an evening where we could go to Central London after work, I knew what she wanted - a Dyson hair dryer - and, on my own, would have gone and got it. But, no, I have to traipse after her as she goes in and out of shops (buying nothing) and making sarky comments like, 'I need some new trainers, you bought me some for our anniversary two years ago but did not this time.' Eh, what? She needs me to buy her stuff??

Some friends came to stay recently. E. has told her partner that she wants a Dyson hair dryer for Christmas. Some women colleagues have stated clearly what they want to their respective partners. Another said that she and her husband buy stuff as they need through the year but do not give each other anything for Christmas. All very grown up - but going back to the first sentence, this is not going to change, is it?!

(and, for sure, conversely I will probably become more mean and miserly and boring - better for all concerned to be apart, non?)

Anyway, I went to the shops again and got her some expensive perfume - all seems to be well. 

Her birthday coming up - I do not intend on getting anything other than an expensive dinner. Let's see.

Happy New Year.

201: A Last set of family Christmas cards?

 In this house, I do the Christmas cards. 

I sit down with my little address book and pen a little note in each one - some people I will have met in the year, mostly, not. 

This has been something of a nostalgia year as I have gone back to school for a reunion and met 'kids' I had not seen in 38 years; returned to where I worked for many years and saw colleagues for the first time in decades. Nevertheless, it is a nice ritual and helps me to keep in touch.

Except one year - perhaps 2015 - close to the most traumatic year of my married life - Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

'You will not send Christmas cards this year - we will not play happy families.' Fair enough - and I did not.

I remain of the notion that for my survival, I / we have to separate. 

I have remained in the home because I could not face living away from our son - that would have been a wrench I could not cope with; I have stayed because of me and not, in any way, 'sacrificed' because of him. 

There are also more prosaic reasons to do with not having the material wealth to maintain a big house, a wife not working (for most of these years) and private education of £20k a year!

I look back to an old entry of some years ago - am still here and it has not been terrible. Confidant: 150: Irritations and the Future (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

So, come September 2024, will I have the courage to leave? To take the cruel step? 

She is working now and enjoying her time. Hopefully she will have a life of her own at least and something to expand into - she will be only 51.

Ideally, perhaps, she will want to leave me! When I eventually bring up the subject, perhaps she will have been expecting it. I don't know.

But every period has a series of 'lasts'. My son told me that last week was the last school rugby match he will play - next term, the sport switches to football and then his school career ends in the summer.

So, will this be the last set of family Christmas cards?

The thought of writing to everyone and informing them that we have separated fills me not with dread but actual excitement. Let us see.

200: The Landmark 18th

So, the 200th post - coinciding with something positive, the most meaningful part of my life - the 18th birthday of my / our son. 

There was an article in a newspaper some time ago - Confidant: 147: Interesting thoughts on a Common Theme – even Dr Who has doubts!! (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Having just re-read it, quite a lot resonates but I particularly like, 

'What does love feel like?
I think I’ve only really experienced it on a parental level, and it feels like the rhythm of nature'

I freely admit that I don't feel as if I have been a fun dad. But I have been fortunate enough to have been a present one and, hopefully, a loving one. When our son was younger, I would be the one he wanted to have sleep next to him or read to him rather than his mother. It would be to me that he would turn for comfort.

When my wife and I had something of a reconciliation - Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - I wondered if it was because of his actions - Confidant: 100: Why the Turnaround? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). I guess I will never know.

I am rationalising to myself of course for my lack of true (material and prestige) success but, overall, I think I have lived the life I would have wanted - ok at work, time for home. And he has been the golden light for the last eighteen years - Confidant: 114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks' (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Look, what I have 'suffered' are first world problems - I am not rich but I am relatively comfortable, I was born into a good family, I have not suffered bad health, work issues have, so far, resolved themselves. But that is not, however, to minimise the real issues that I have had with my wife and led to Confidant: 72: Counselling - why? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and much else besides.

But without her I would not have him.

Forget the 18 years. Even that one moment when he might wake up next to me and start the day with that beaming smile would be enough to make up for a thousand lifetimes of misery. Or when I would get home and hear a shout of 'baba!' from somewhere in the house and this whirling dervish would skim across the floor and jump into my arms.

It has been an emotional few days and I have often found myself on the verge of tears. I love him with all my heart and I tell him that often. I wish him well in his endeavours as he comes near to finishing school. And I thank him - to head back to the start - for teaching me what love is.

I have tried my best, son. I apologise for the mistakes and thank you for having been the son you are.

199: Casual Callousness

 Over the many entries here, I have often written about how easy it is to forget - the Confidant: 188: The Dangers of Amnesia (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 170: My fault but is it just me ....? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

She was was away for a weekend with some friends and almost a week with work - and it was gorgeous at home with just our son and me. Quiet, peaceful, productive.

There was a school ceremony on Thursday and she was coming back from her work trip that evening. I made some bolognese so we had something at home in case we wanted to eat. None of us did.

On Saturday evening our son is going out to a party. I suggest a film which has got good reviews. I suggest dinner out - which is usually what she wants. 

She pops out in the morning and says that she will bring something back for lunch - by 1 pm. I get a message that it will be 1:30. Finally it is 2:30. No problem.

I go the gym, am back by 5:30 as promised. She has not completed some chores - of her own - because she has been procrastinating. She has not changed to go out.

I drop my son off at the party and am back by 7 pm. She still has not changed. I am still ready to eat out but suggest I make some pasta which we can have with the bolognese. She agrees.

She examines the dish which I have taken out from the fridge - having been in there for two days, it looks a little stodgy. 'This is too thick.' Without a by-your-leave she pours in a bunch of water. 'Now put this is in the oven.' Obviously it ends up being too watery but I say nothing. 'You break the pasta - you should not do that - it tastes different.'

There is a term I think called 'casual racism'. This is 'casual callousness'. I don't even think she realises that she is being a bitch - so convinced is she in her own righteousness. And, for sure, perhaps by being too quiet, by not paying enough attention, by being boring, I am callous back. So, why not split and give us both a break?

Today, she has gone out for the weekly shop - I am incompetent to do this - and the sink is full of dishes. 'Shall I clear the sink while you are away?' 'No.' So she will decide to cook, the kitchen will be a mess, everything will be late and there will be stress.

I got absolutely destroyed once - well, more than once actually - for mistakenly leaving the back door open - Confidant: 170: My fault but is it just me ....? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). Yesterday, it was once more unlocked and I could feel a diatribe coming - until she realised that it was her who had left it open. Then it was, 'oh. the door is open.' Irony also that she always chooses to leave the kitchen window open - how is that secure?!!!!

There is a brilliant last line in this article I suddenly became a hit writer – but I felt my husband treated my career like an interruption of my domestic work | Marriage | The Guardian: 'I could say that when I think about my dream partner, what I want in that person is so basic, so low-bar, I’m almost ashamed to say it out loud: someone who’s happy to see me. Someone who smiles when I walk into a room. Someone who can be happy with me and for me ...'

I get that with my friends and I used to get that with my cousin who has died - I do not from my wife. Her happiness is conditional - it is entirely subjective to her whims - and I am not sure she knows how to be happy. 

The other day she suddenly said - I do not remember the context: 'don't treat the symptoms - treat the cause.' Well, that is good advice.

198: Little things again

 Life has been pretty pleasant. And it is at times like these that I feel silly for thinking that I should even be considering living apart. But then, little things happen which really are a reflection on major things and, I am convinced, build up over time.

I am on blood pressure tablets - and they can only be obtained under prescription. So, a guest came along, one of her relations, who had forgotten her blood pressure tablets. Without even discussing it with me or speaking to me, my wife gave six of my tablets to her guest. 'Oh you can always order your prescription early.'

Not an issue for me. But I can just imagine the ructions had I done the same. 'You are so callous!' 'No wonder the NHS is losing money.' 'How could you do this - do you have no sense?' .... and on and on and on.

It reminded me of more than twenty years ago when we were living in Delhi and I had come abroad for work. We had a company car and she let her brother - not an experienced driver - drive the car to a relation's house - and told me afterwards. Luckily nothing happened but there could have been severe insurance implications. I said nothing at the time because I found out only after the event. But who is the callous one.

Just today, our son was cooking - he is suddenly into it. He had made a little mess I suppose and it was all, 'I will have to clean it all - don't you have any sense - what is your problem.'

Earlier in the day he had been cooking as well and, as I had to go out for a while and would not be back before she returned from work, I had asked him to clear up after himself. 'I just cleaned up this afternoon,' he said. 'That's not cleaning was her retort.' What is the message you are sending? Anything you do is not good enough. 

'You are very selfish. You have been cooking since I came back. I am hungry. It is very selfish.'

10 minutes later, it all kuchi-koo and 'thank you baby' .... unbelievable. I have said to her before that what I remember most of all of my mother - perhaps unfairly - is her anger; I remember good stuff as well! My wife should be careful that that is what our son remembers.

I do lose my temper with him - but very rarely. The other day he was being vague about breakfast and lunch - and she was haranguing as well which did not help my mood. I told him sharply that he could be more definitive. 'Yes' to this, 'no' to that or even 'not hungry, will skip lunch'. All are acceptable but please don't shrug and say 'don't know.' I apologised to him later for losing my temper but reiterated the point I was making - I should not have gotten angry.

We have more guests staying with us - her relations. They went out this morning and said they would do their washing this evening. I said they could use the dryer if they needed anything tomorrow morning.

'No, they can't use the dryer. I have cleaned it out. They should have organised themselves better.'

Her relations - she can sort it out.

Tiring, eh? Living with perfection.

197: Moving along peacefully enough - and a new job

A friend texted me to ask how things were going at home. And mostly they have been fine.

Yes, there is still the occasional loss of temper and really very rude speaking on her part - there was an example yesterday when she just went on and on at our son. But he shouts back now and I have seen her back down.

I was wondering the other day how anyone could speak to someone else in that manner - angry and defensive and accusatory and plain rude. I remember my mother was the same. 

And then I thought back to how I behaved badly towards my father as he reached the later stages of amnesia - I was angry at him often. And I still do not know why I lost all my discipline with him. There is no excuse. Confidant: 122: My Father 1 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Some things amuse me.

She met some friends of her parents recently. They had moved to the UK from India sometime in the 70s with very little money. The story was about the struggles they had to go through to get a house and then a loan for a car - and she presented it as ever so charming. I roll back twenty years and we have moved to Delhi on an expatriate package, living in a beautiful apartment in a prestigious part of the city (Nizamuddin East), getting our furniture custom made and there is unbelievable drama because some cupboard doesn't have lights.

But, thankfully, she is starting another job - having left her last one some months ago. Confidant: 190: The Job (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Hopefully she will work well and sincerely in this one and actually try to make a difference. Already, though, even before starting, she is looking at terms and conditions and whether she can work remotely in India for a couple of weeks - while spending time with her mother. A perfectly legitimate thing to do but I did suggest that she should become friends and provide excellence at work before asking for things - but maybe I am old fashioned. As a manager, while I would keep an open mind and support as much as possible, a person with a focus on the benefits even before starting would put my antenna on alert.

However, bigger picture, fingers crossed, she will find the love of her life in her new place of work and leave me!

196: Random articles .... and lessons maybe?

There are very few stories that are new. I am one of 7 billion or whatever people and my story is repeated so very many times. 

I don't go seeking out articles but, from time to time, some resonate when I come across them. 

I’m 70 and so full of regret about my husband and career | Marriage | The Guardian - I always say that I do not want to end up where my father and mother did at 90 and 80 respectively; full of anger and resentment. This lady's issues were different because she has clearly had a career, whereas my mother's regret was about not working and not using her skills. But the regret may come from not leaving an unloving situation - and I fully admit that it is now me who is unable to love.

Confidant: 169: My Mother (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) In her autobiography, she rails against her mother and her husband. 

Confidant: 122: My Father 1 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) I don't know whether he was loving or not - for sure he was married to his work - but he was dutiful and hard working. And where she bemoaned opportunities lost, so he felt unappreciated and 'like a servant in his own home.'

Absolutely not where I want to end up.

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What being a hospice volunteer taught me about death and life | Death and dying | The Guardian - just a very beautiful article. 'Now, when a new day breaks, I try to see it from their perspective and cherish the humdrum as a gift. And when I finish a hospice shift, I want to take back into the outside world that sense of life stripped back to its essentials, where what ultimately matters is love.'  A slightly lazy last sentence but the 'essentials' are what matter. 

'I’m discovering that it’s essential to recognise that we can’t control life in the way we assume. The existence we take for granted is as frail as dreams and it can dissolve in a heartbeat.' So very true.

In all our troubles - virtually from day one - I have tried to focus on the fundamentals and how lucky we are     Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)  Confidant: Entry 21: All Gone to Pot (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And when I think that I am just being a baby and immature, that I should simply 'get over' myself, the writer was putting down life stories and, 'Each interview would start the same way: with an apology. The patients apologised for having led boring lives that were not worth recording. Then, as they rewound the years, I realised they were discovering for the first time that they were a pivotal part of a story; that they had made an imprint on the world.' Yes, each one of us is one in eight billion or whatever, but each story counts and each life is important.

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Think yourself better: 10 rules of philosophy to live by | Philosophy books | The Guardian - a pleasant article.

And ends with what I am reputed to have learnt from my maternal grandfather when he quoted that 'virtue lies in the golden mean'! Admittedly, that was to excuse not the greatest exam results! But has held to be true in most of my life. 'Are you a Head of or just a Manager...?' she asked me once!!

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Glennon Doyle: ‘So many women feel caged by gender, sexuality, religion’ | Life and style | The Guardian     “I’d been conditioned to believe that a good mother never hurts her children and she certainly doesn’t break up her family,” Doyle writes in her new book, Get Untamed. “I decided to quit showing my children how to slowly die and instead show them how to bravely live. I became their model, not their martyr.” 

A bit of a reach this but interesting enough about taking the leap. And most of the reason I didn't leave, once I had gotten over my 'duty' shtick with my wife who is perfectly capable of holding down a job and being independent but chooses not to, is that I could not contemplate living apart from our son. Not for what I could do for him but the life that he gave me.

'“The braver we are, the luckier we get,” she writes. Surely, I ask, the truth is more likely to be the other way round: the luckier we are, the braver we can be. To my surprise she agrees straight away'. And it is true that, even I had been of a mind to be able to leave, we would not have had the resources to maintain our son's lifestyle (private school, nice house) - he would have had to give up much, through no fault of his, and I was not prepared to do that.

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The man who walked around the world: Tom Turcich on his seven-year search for the meaning of life | Walking | The Guardian

About a guy who lost a best friend to an accident and upped at 25 to walk around the world for seven years to find some truths.

“You end up realising so little is down to willpower, because there are much smarter, much kinder people than me all over the world who don’t have my opportunities.” Absolutely. The accident of birth gives us such a push or a barrier. Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

"Has it made him more confident in himself? That’s a difficult question to answer, he says. “It’s a kind of Dunning-Kruger. You know, the psychological study where the dumbest person in the room is the most confident? The more you know, the less confident you are. I think I was pretty confident at the beginning, but I was an idiot. Once you know you don’t know everything, you lose some of the confidence and become less sure about things.” Oh yes - though she is not at all dumb, she lives in a world of complete certainty.

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‘I’ve hit 60 – I’m officially an old fart and I’m going to embrace it’: the thing I’ll do differently in 2023 | Life and style | The Guardian

'Best of all, being 60 and embracing my age gives me the licence to be young again. The 30s, 40s and 50s are all about dreary responsibility, caution and not upsetting the apple cart. Being a bloody grownup. Now I’ve hit the big six-oh and am officially an old fart, the pressure’s off. At 60, I have the freedom to be as immature as I want. Game on.'

Am not 60 yet but the sentiments resonate. What will the next two years bring? If I am to make a break then our son finishing his A Levels and moving into the world of university is the time to do it - leave till later and much time will have been wasted.