219: Child

We are shopping for the 25th wedding anniversary present. I know she has wanted a luxury watch for a long while. 

Earlier, she had said that she would buy one with her earnings - the money that we do not touch and remains in her account. But she has never got round to buying. I have thought about this before - there seems to be a reluctance to spend her own money but no issue with our money!

Anyway ....

The watch will probably cost about £3000 or so and we go around some shops. And then she says, 'come on, come on, let's go, if we catch the train before 4 o'clock we can get the off-peak fair.'

I had to point out the irony of possibly saving a couple of pounds when we were spending thousands ...

Different topic. A friend of mine has a young daughter who is about to start full time school. 'J. says that she will be 'in-bits' when her daughter starts at primary.'

'Don't give me that,' is her retort. 'That girl has been going to nursery forever. J. has hardly looked after her. 'in-bits' indeed.'

Any normal person would have gone, 'awww ... I am sure they will both cope' or something a little empathetic.

But no, madam had to prove her superiority and make a judgement.

I dug out a quote from a very old blog entry - 2015 - and a relevant section is below - this judgement thing has always been there and makes having a conversation hard as some sort of opinion or strident advice will follow!

Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why should I share if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.

 '(You know what? I am proud in return for being passionate about good things like friendship and family and heroes. I am happy not to be judgemental, angry and superior all the time.)

 'P. did a character test for school – your answers were on the page. ‘Do you consider yourself to be above average intelligence?’ You wrote, ‘Yes and proud of it.’ The accident of birth has given you an arrogance that is ugly.'

A Child - that is who I have made a life with, and while things are peaceable enough and have been for a while, tell me this cannot continue.

(and on that note, in the house She refers to me as Baba (as in father). When she calls me she almost always uses 'baba' instead of my name. Perhaps it started when our son was much younger but it has remained. Faux psychology would say that it is a subconscious protector / father thing; I find it irritating but don't bother addressing it!)

218: A Fabulous Day

 August 15, 2024 - our 25th wedding anniversary!!!

Well, it is in fact a day to celebrate as what we do have out of our marriage - and what gives my life any meaning - is our son.

Confidant: 114 - Dear Son - a letter to say 'thanks' (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Confidant: 68: Our Son, our lovely, lovely son (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And August 15 was his A Level results day.

And he did very, very well.

He's off to Imperial College, London to study Mechanical Engineering - and his friends did well too.

The end of school, a fantastic conclusion.

I could not be happier for him. He worked really hard and put in tons of effort - and was rewarded.

A relief for me as I did not want him to be disappointed and I am sure a boost for him as he walks towards his ambitions.

And his Maths teacher sent me a lovely note - can't add more to that: 

It was a pleasure to meet you and your family again today too! I just hope my sons turn out as intelligent, funny and likeable like (your son). It has been a real pleasure to teach him and I hope he pops in to update us from time to time.

 

Bittersweet – sad to see him leave, but bigger and better adventures await for him!

 

All the best

 

h

217: bits I still do not understand

Our son went away on a holiday with friends and so She and I went away to Berlin for the weekend about two weeks ago.

Our 25th wedding anniversary was coming up, I knew she wanted a very expensive watch - Omega, Rolex. Separately, on our earlier trip to France she made a big thing about getting tax back for some clothes we bought. And this time round, she bought cooking pans and scissors - that we do not need - and got VAT back on those as well.

So, on the basis that watches like that may have a greater range on continental Europe than London and we could get substantial VAT back, I suggested we spend some time shopping in Berlin. We had time for buying pans but I was completely ignored re: the watch.

Anyway, doesn't matter. She probably considered it mean of me to try and get some money back on a wedding anniversary present. Fair enough.

Completely different topic, I was reviewing my life insurance and I have had a policy ever since I left my permanent job. My wife initially agreed to have one herself but has never got round to doing it. I mention it now and again but there is never any action.

Why is that? Is it because I am a man and I am supposed to provide? And that if something were to happen to her, I am expected to simply carry on? Whereas I am supposed to make arrangements in the event of my demise?

216: You are presented with two choices - change or repeat ... choose wisely

Came across this quote on someone's FB page by chance - seems to speak to me!

Life is fine right now. Son's final year school exams over, just come back from a lovely holiday in France.

Minor things continue - microcosm of larger things and hence the resonance of the saying above.

On the last day in the Airbnb, am wrapping up the rubbish and it just so happens that there is a bag with non-recyclables and another with recyclables. She has tied up the former prematurely so it it impossible to open again - when she berates me for doing that usually. There are a few non-recyclables that turn up subsequently and I suggest that we pop them in a bin on the street rather than mix non with the recyclables.

'Just put it in the recyclables bag. Don't be so ridiculous.' Small point, does not matter but at home she would be adamant to the point of irritation about not doing the right thing. Muttered away about that.

We went somewhere by a #3 tram because the tourist office suggested it. 'We could have gone by #1'. Kept saying this through the trip and, on way back, took #1.

We searched out the correct tram to take us halfway to the airport - perfectly convenient to our apartment. 'We can get it from the square instead.' That is what we did. In fact, what she actually said was, 'shall we get it from the square?' My response, humorously, was, 'that's purely a rhetorical question, right? Yesterday you kept going on about #1, so we took #1. We will go to the square, that's fine!'

On the tram, this little old lady voluntarily asked us whether we knew where we had to go to get the shuttle bus for the final leg of the journey to the airport? I began to listen but my wife kept saying she knew and did not listen. So we waited at the wrong bus stop - until I pointed out that 'that bus over there' might be the right one - it was!

Back home, I gather the rubbish and throw it away. Admittedly, I had left some stuff in the fridge which she corrected me for - am not saying at all that I always get things right but I don't pretend perfection and nor do I berate others for mistakes that happen.

Having done 70% of the work, 'it's ok, you don't need to do anything.'

All about control. I let it go but by treating her behaviour as that of a child who needs to win all the time - not as a collaborative and complementary adult.

So, I guess my only skill remains at driving! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

215: Microcosm made up of little things

 Hosting a small family barbecue later today - Saturday.

Everything very pleasant between the two of us. Go shopping for the meat. Have a meal out.

But she is obviously tired. Eaten too much when I had suggested a doggy bag for the excess.

Have to stop off at a supermarket and I buy 3 packs of x2 medium size sweetcorn cobs - cut into two and we have 12 pieces. She does not like this. 'Why not take the smaller ones?' 'I'll just cut them in two and that's not a problem. Couldn't obviously see the smaller ones.' So she goes hunting around for at least five minutes and, behind some trays, comes up with 2 packs of x4 smaller ones. Does it really matter? FFS.

At home, continual instructions - this here, not there, move that over there; all entirely unnecessary.

A good sleep later, this morning all is fine and playful - and I almost forget my irritation of yesterday.

Suddenly, in that ringing, accusatory tone, shouting from downstairs, 'those kebabs we bought yesterday - where did you put them?!' 'In the freezer - somewhere in the freezer.' 'So what is the package in the fridge?' 'The fresh chicken for today.' 'Oh.'

She could have looked in the pack before shouting?

I can well imagine the anger and the diatribe had I really not put the kebabs in the freezer. Accused of total incompetence and so much worse.

Bollocks to it all.

But, these little incidents remind me that nothing really changes. I just handle things better now.

And, you know, sometimes the ironies are mind-boggling.

While shopping, she bumped into a school parent who had lost a child. My wife does like a bit of tragedy porn - and then says, 'they had everything we middle class people want .. and yet ...'; 'it's a good thing that your brother and sister in law are not able to come today. If they had complained about something like they always do, I would have spoken about this lady.'

I did not mention that she herself is the finest example of not being happy despite being quite lucky. I think back to Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) which outline her behaviours at the very start of our marriage. You could excuse a lack of maturity and age for some of that - she was in her late 20s - but the attitude of feeling sorry for herself and attacking me never stopped. Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

The other weekend she came back having spent it with a couple of her friends and their husbands. 'You are the best,' she said on her return. So why have I lived in fear for doing wrong? And why am I told that the only thing I am good at is driving? Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Ah well ...

214: A small note - the selfish me

Have been writing more than usual lately.

Have started speaking to contacts and friends and considering the possibility of 'what next?' My son is in the middle of his exams and university should be near. So, more thinking is natural!

And this short note is to consider whether I am reaching a conclusion about what has been my life. 

In navel gazing getting ready for a book club - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and often saying that I 'rationalise' what I consider to be my lack of success through stating that I have 'chosen' a balanced life, I wonder if I'm just being pretentious?

You see, life is made of so much chance - our agency is pretty limited. So, ultimately, through a combination of luck and work and decisions, we have ended up with a nice house, a comfortable life and a strong educational base for our son.

On a selfish note, I have spent time at home and played a full part in my son's life and supported - more than supported - our life at home. In the end we die - I am happy with how life has treated me. I know that now as, I think, I always have done. Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

But I now need to be confident in that feeling and not apologise - and who cares anyway!!! xx

213: The next time, what I will say

 My current assignment as a contractor is drawing to a close and it has been a difficult gig - I have not been that happy.

But I was on the phone with a friend who is also on this project and she is also not happy. So there was a bit of counselling going on and some complementary whingeing.

My wife was in the room.

'So what will you do?'

'I have a few days per week which will see me through the summer and then will look again from August.'

'You should do a permanent job. Constantly complaining about others. If you were so good, why are you in this situation.'

I kept silent but this is what I mean when I say I know what I will say the next time she makes a statement such as this. And it happens relatively often: Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'Listen, M., I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a failure. And that the only thing I am half good at is driving. You do not need to say it again.'

We go downstairs and, to make conversation, I say that our cleaner was stressed because 40 family members came down for her infant daughter's birthday and she had to do all the work.

'What's wrong with that. Like my mother used to cope with lots and lots of friends all the time. Shows love and friendship rather than being isolated.' She did not go on to say, 'like your family', though she was thinking it for sure.

Something of an irony this - on two counts. First, I was very glad that for the years 2 - 6 of our marriage my brother was in Italy, we were in India and then France and my parents bounced between the UK and India. When we were in the same country for that first year, I was always on tenterhooks when we met as a family because she would have hang-ups about most / all of them and find a reason to be angry.

Second, because I have driven dinner invites for neighbours or friends over the years far more than her.

Lack of usefulness or value is one thing but if I am accused of being a poor conversationalist, is it any wonder? If there is always some value judgement or an accusation at the end of any proferred thought: Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why should I, if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.'