216: You are presented with two choices - change or repeat ... choose wisely

Came across this quote on someone's FB page by chance - seems to speak to me!

Life is fine right now. Son's final year school exams over, just come back from a lovely holiday in France.

Minor things continue - microcosm of larger things and hence the resonance of the saying above.

On the last day in the Airbnb, am wrapping up the rubbish and it just so happens that there is a bag with non-recyclables and another with recyclables. She has tied up the former prematurely so it it impossible to open again - when she berates me for doing that usually. There are a few non-recyclables that turn up subsequently and I suggest that we pop them in a bin on the street rather than mix non with the recyclables.

'Just put it in the recyclables bag. Don't be so ridiculous.' Small point, does not matter but at home she would be adamant to the point of irritation about not doing the right thing. Muttered away about that.

We went somewhere by a #3 tram because the tourist office suggested it. 'We could have gone by #1'. Kept saying this through the trip and, on way back, took #1.

We searched out the correct tram to take us halfway to the airport - perfectly convenient to our apartment. 'We can get it from the square instead.' That is what we did. In fact, what she actually said was, 'shall we get it from the square?' My response, humorously, was, 'that's purely a rhetorical question, right? Yesterday you kept going on about #1, so we took #1. We will go to the square, that's fine!'

On the tram, this little old lady voluntarily asked us whether we knew where we had to go to get the shuttle bus for the final leg of the journey to the airport? I began to listen but my wife kept saying she knew and did not listen. So we waited at the wrong bus stop - until I pointed out that 'that bus over there' might be the right one - it was!

Back home, I gather the rubbish and throw it away. Admittedly, I had left some stuff in the fridge which she corrected me for - am not saying at all that I always get things right but I don't pretend perfection and nor do I berate others for mistakes that happen.

Having done 70% of the work, 'it's ok, you don't need to do anything.'

All about control. I let it go but by treating her behaviour as that of a child who needs to win all the time - not as a collaborative and complementary adult.

So, I guess my only skill remains at driving! Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

215: Microcosm made up of little things

 Hosting a small family barbecue later today - Saturday.

Everything very pleasant between the two of us. Go shopping for the meat. Have a meal out.

But she is obviously tired. Eaten too much when I had suggested a doggy bag for the excess.

Have to stop off at a supermarket and I buy 3 packs of x2 medium size sweetcorn cobs - cut into two and we have 12 pieces. She does not like this. 'Why not take the smaller ones?' 'I'll just cut them in two and that's not a problem. Couldn't obviously see the smaller ones.' So she goes hunting around for at least five minutes and, behind some trays, comes up with 2 packs of x4 smaller ones. Does it really matter? FFS.

At home, continual instructions - this here, not there, move that over there; all entirely unnecessary.

A good sleep later, this morning all is fine and playful - and I almost forget my irritation of yesterday.

Suddenly, in that ringing, accusatory tone, shouting from downstairs, 'those kebabs we bought yesterday - where did you put them?!' 'In the freezer - somewhere in the freezer.' 'So what is the package in the fridge?' 'The fresh chicken for today.' 'Oh.'

She could have looked in the pack before shouting?

I can well imagine the anger and the diatribe had I really not put the kebabs in the freezer. Accused of total incompetence and so much worse.

Bollocks to it all.

But, these little incidents remind me that nothing really changes. I just handle things better now.

And, you know, sometimes the ironies are mind-boggling.

While shopping, she bumped into a school parent who had lost a child. My wife does like a bit of tragedy porn - and then says, 'they had everything we middle class people want .. and yet ...'; 'it's a good thing that your brother and sister in law are not able to come today. If they had complained about something like they always do, I would have spoken about this lady.'

I did not mention that she herself is the finest example of not being happy despite being quite lucky. I think back to Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) which outline her behaviours at the very start of our marriage. You could excuse a lack of maturity and age for some of that - she was in her late 20s - but the attitude of feeling sorry for herself and attacking me never stopped. Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

The other weekend she came back having spent it with a couple of her friends and their husbands. 'You are the best,' she said on her return. So why have I lived in fear for doing wrong? And why am I told that the only thing I am good at is driving? Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Ah well ...

214: A small note - the selfish me

Have been writing more than usual lately.

Have started speaking to contacts and friends and considering the possibility of 'what next?' My son is in the middle of his exams and university should be near. So, more thinking is natural!

And this short note is to consider whether I am reaching a conclusion about what has been my life. 

In navel gazing getting ready for a book club - Confidant: 206: Readying for a book club (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - and often saying that I 'rationalise' what I consider to be my lack of success through stating that I have 'chosen' a balanced life, I wonder if I'm just being pretentious?

You see, life is made of so much chance - our agency is pretty limited. So, ultimately, through a combination of luck and work and decisions, we have ended up with a nice house, a comfortable life and a strong educational base for our son.

On a selfish note, I have spent time at home and played a full part in my son's life and supported - more than supported - our life at home. In the end we die - I am happy with how life has treated me. I know that now as, I think, I always have done. Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

But I now need to be confident in that feeling and not apologise - and who cares anyway!!! xx

213: The next time, what I will say

 My current assignment as a contractor is drawing to a close and it has been a difficult gig - I have not been that happy.

But I was on the phone with a friend who is also on this project and she is also not happy. So there was a bit of counselling going on and some complementary whingeing.

My wife was in the room.

'So what will you do?'

'I have a few days per week which will see me through the summer and then will look again from August.'

'You should do a permanent job. Constantly complaining about others. If you were so good, why are you in this situation.'

I kept silent but this is what I mean when I say I know what I will say the next time she makes a statement such as this. And it happens relatively often: Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'Listen, M., I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a failure. And that the only thing I am half good at is driving. You do not need to say it again.'

We go downstairs and, to make conversation, I say that our cleaner was stressed because 40 family members came down for her infant daughter's birthday and she had to do all the work.

'What's wrong with that. Like my mother used to cope with lots and lots of friends all the time. Shows love and friendship rather than being isolated.' She did not go on to say, 'like your family', though she was thinking it for sure.

Something of an irony this - on two counts. First, I was very glad that for the years 2 - 6 of our marriage my brother was in Italy, we were in India and then France and my parents bounced between the UK and India. When we were in the same country for that first year, I was always on tenterhooks when we met as a family because she would have hang-ups about most / all of them and find a reason to be angry.

Second, because I have driven dinner invites for neighbours or friends over the years far more than her.

Lack of usefulness or value is one thing but if I am accused of being a poor conversationalist, is it any wonder? If there is always some value judgement or an accusation at the end of any proferred thought: Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why should I, if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.'

212: As usual .... and a meeting

This fellow J. and I have worked together off and on for about 15 years. We also worked with C. and with B.

B. was the one I was accused by my wife of having an affair with - not true. Confidant: 62: Is this a balanced person? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

So J. invites C. and me - along with wives - to Sunday lunch. He also invites B.

My wife had not met B. before and has not mentioned her since coming back home - today is Monday.

And, of course, as usual, we set off 20 minutes late for J.'s house - this does not happen if we are going to one her friends' houses. Her parents routinely used to turn up to invitations an hour late at least - Confidant: 202: Happy New Year (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) (para. 5); so twenty minutes is an improvement I suppose.

Anyway ....

211: Resonances in the public sphere

 As I've noted before, there are very few things new in life. There are resonances in the public sphere - Confidant: 147: Interesting thoughts on a Common Theme – even Dr Who has doubts!! (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My issues are uniquely mine but I am one of 8 billion people and (i) nobody cares and (ii) hundreds of millions are working through the same things and have done so through eternity.

Does not lessen my issues or disrespect them but perhaps there are lessons.

This was an interesting article about an artist called Miranda July who changed direction dramatically at about 50.

‘I was in a kind of ecstatic freefall’: artist Miranda July on writing the book that could change your life | Miranda July | The Guardian

This is a book about menopause and change but this passage resonated: 'Talking to these older women, she started to consider time in a new way. As a young person she’d thought ahead to the family she might have, the fantasy, maybe, of being a star. Now at 50, “When I look ahead the same number of years, then it’s death at the end. You start setting your goals.” To my polite open mouth she says, gently, “I’m giving you the sense of the headspace that I was in when I was writing, which was, ‘Who do I want to be as a dying person?’” Here is, maybe, the hidden, spiritual element of the book. “So much of what you thought was you was maybe really other people. That starts to become more clear. And the weird part is,” she chuckles earnestly, “there can be discomfort, but I think there’s a kind of psychedelic joy to it, too.” And this is what the novel, All Fours, revealed itself to be about.'

She moved out of the family home into a studio and separated - amicably - from her husband. To give herself the space.

And then there was this: I’ve joined the sisterhood of divorced women. We’re happier set free | Divorce | The Guardian by Tove Danovich

This passage resonated particularly: 'At one point during our separation, my now former spouse told me that I was acting selfishly. He meant it as an insult; it made me feel like I was doing the right thing. After my marriage ended, I found myself newly focused on prioritizing things that really mattered to me: making space for friends, creativity, and simple things that brought me joy like taking long walks outside, or playing music early in the morning when he’d been asleep.

'For years, I had put him ahead of myself – I didn’t let myself get upset about things I knew he wouldn’t change. I didn’t consider travel, which would keep me away from home for too long, even when I wanted to go, and I didn’t even let myself consider whether I wanted children since I knew my husband did not. For me, marriage was like getting on to a long highway and forgetting that other roads existed. Once I considered leaving, all I saw were the off-ramps and detours I could have taken along the way.'

For me, this was a highway I wanted - my life was fine and I wanted to / was ready to share. I did not realise I would become a servant, and an incompetent one at that!!! Confidant: 210: All the work and all the pain (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 

The article reminded of the advice from an agony aunt I wrote to: 'Hi there A., You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt. "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?" In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

May I have the courage.

210: All the work and all the pain

 Today was the sort of day I remember too well - Confidant: 47: A Typical Saturday (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Minutiae I know but that is what makes up the tapestry of life, non?!

 We wake up and go to home | parkrun UK.

Over the years it is my lead she has followed in getting some regular exercise - previously there would be nothing.

We come back home about 11 am.

I then cut the grass till about 2:30 pm - we have a big garden!! - with a short break for lunch - which is a couple of fried frankfurters that, admittedly, she makes.

At lunch I say that I might go and watch some of my former cricket team play after I finish the garden. 'Come back and then we can go shopping.' Why I have to follow behind her while she does the shopping I have no fucking clue - this is a new thing!

I suggest a pork roast for dinner and I calculate that if we want dinner at about 7:30 pm we don't really have time for a big shop as the roast takes time. So, I suggest we go to the big shop tomorrow. I'll just get stuff for the dinner.

'You don't buy the right things. I will give you a list.'

'Never mind,' I say. 'I won't go to the cricket, tell me when you are ready and we can go to the shops.'

Ten minutes later. 'I don't have time to go to the shops right now as I am waiting for a call. You have to go and here is the list.'

Of course, being in one of her moods, when I come back, the mushrooms are bad, the ham is the wrong sort, as is the bread.

I start to cook. 'Not like that.' - so she starts interfering and, therefore, delaying.

I have brought two big and one medium potatoes to make mash. I start with peeling two as that will be enough. 'Peel and boil all three - that's the only thing I have to eat.' There are also carrots and broccoli - though she does not eat broccoli. Of course, there is mash left-over at the end.

Cook the dinner, prepare the table, call her and my son. 'I will do the clearing up,' she declares. And then goes and sits on the fucking computer to get some information for a family friend.

While I leave the dishes in the sink - I am not competent to fill the dishwasher - I clear up the rest of the kitchen and put the leftovers away.

It is now 9:30 pm. The sink is still to be done and then she will get to putting clothes in the wash. All day she has done precisely zero value add while sitting in front of the laptop doing fuck knows what - but, no doubt, will feel she has worked hard as she has left everything for the end of the day.

Do all the work, obviously get nothing right and get all the pain.

Remember ... do not forget. This is why you have to leave. Because Confidant: 207: "water is not dry” (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - people are who they are.