207: "water is not dry”

 A very interesting article: The secret to good relationships? Accept family and friends for who they really are | Life and style | The Guardian

The writer writes that, 'It can be painful to discover people are not who we want them to be. But once this is grasped, we can form much more meaningful bonds'.

'Because, if you have not yet acknowledged this fact, you might unconsciously be labouring under the assumption that, if you just try hard enough, you can make water whatever consistency you like. You might be exhausting yourself to the point of ill health to get through a impossibly long to-do list at work. You might be diligently trying to please a parent in order to receive love from them that they do not have the capacity to give. You might be seeking to turn or nudge your partner into being more ambitious, whether through subtle manipulation, bribery or domination.'

'It is only when we understand the fundamental differences between us that we are able to meet each other as separate individuals with our own thoughts, feelings and character. That is essential to forming meaningful relationships with respect and dignity at their core, rather than control.'

'It may sound defeatist to say the world is the way it is, but in truth it is a liberation. Because acknowledging the reality in front of you does not necessarily mean tolerating it; it means seeing it clearly and responding in freedom.

'If you are able to recognise and then relinquish the desire to shape your water/universe/job/love interest to fit a precise hole in the jigsaw puzzle of your mind, you are then free to make your own choices (once the wailing has run its course). In turn, your love interests – and my husband – are free to grow and develop in their own way, rather than into our dolls.'

'You can say to yourself: I have an impossible job that I cannot do well in the time I’m paid to do it and my manager won’t listen, so I will try to get another job, or I will choose to devote more of my time to my work than I am paid to do. You can decide: my partner is the way he is, so I’m going to leave him. Or you might decide: my partner is the way she is, so I will see what love can grow around and through these difficulties and differences. You can choose whether you prefer to have a wet toy car, or a dry one that you can play with before and after a bath. You can choose to build a better life – one that is not stuck and stagnant because you are pouring all your energy into pretending to yourself that you live in a reality you prefer, rather than the one you are living in.'

In my case, it is not that I have tried to 'shape' her - it is complementary skills that make a team. However, there is, perhaps, just a mismatch. For many years I kept changing my side of the equation to match her's - and she might say the same in converse. I have not succeeded - and I will not without turning into a vegetable.

It is not easy, of course, to 'be free to make your won choices.'

This, though, also reminds me of a letter I wrote to an agony aunt - Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And her advice, 'Hi there A., 

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Captain of my ship. master of my fate? We'll see.