198: Little things again

 Life has been pretty pleasant. And it is at times like these that I feel silly for thinking that I should even be considering living apart. But then, little things happen which really are a reflection on major things and, I am convinced, build up over time.

I am on blood pressure tablets - and they can only be obtained under prescription. So, a guest came along, one of her relations, who had forgotten her blood pressure tablets. Without even discussing it with me or speaking to me, my wife gave six of my tablets to her guest. 'Oh you can always order your prescription early.'

Not an issue for me. But I can just imagine the ructions had I done the same. 'You are so callous!' 'No wonder the NHS is losing money.' 'How could you do this - do you have no sense?' .... and on and on and on.

It reminded me of more than twenty years ago when we were living in Delhi and I had come abroad for work. We had a company car and she let her brother - not an experienced driver - drive the car to a relation's house - and told me afterwards. Luckily nothing happened but there could have been severe insurance implications. I said nothing at the time because I found out only after the event. But who is the callous one.

Just today, our son was cooking - he is suddenly into it. He had made a little mess I suppose and it was all, 'I will have to clean it all - don't you have any sense - what is your problem.'

Earlier in the day he had been cooking as well and, as I had to go out for a while and would not be back before she returned from work, I had asked him to clear up after himself. 'I just cleaned up this afternoon,' he said. 'That's not cleaning was her retort.' What is the message you are sending? Anything you do is not good enough. 

'You are very selfish. You have been cooking since I came back. I am hungry. It is very selfish.'

10 minutes later, it all kuchi-koo and 'thank you baby' .... unbelievable. I have said to her before that what I remember most of all of my mother - perhaps unfairly - is her anger; I remember good stuff as well! My wife should be careful that that is what our son remembers.

I do lose my temper with him - but very rarely. The other day he was being vague about breakfast and lunch - and she was haranguing as well which did not help my mood. I told him sharply that he could be more definitive. 'Yes' to this, 'no' to that or even 'not hungry, will skip lunch'. All are acceptable but please don't shrug and say 'don't know.' I apologised to him later for losing my temper but reiterated the point I was making - I should not have gotten angry.

We have more guests staying with us - her relations. They went out this morning and said they would do their washing this evening. I said they could use the dryer if they needed anything tomorrow morning.

'No, they can't use the dryer. I have cleaned it out. They should have organised themselves better.'

Her relations - she can sort it out.

Tiring, eh? Living with perfection.

197: Moving along peacefully enough - and a new job

A friend texted me to ask how things were going at home. And mostly they have been fine.

Yes, there is still the occasional loss of temper and really very rude speaking on her part - there was an example yesterday when she just went on and on at our son. But he shouts back now and I have seen her back down.

I was wondering the other day how anyone could speak to someone else in that manner - angry and defensive and accusatory and plain rude. I remember my mother was the same. 

And then I thought back to how I behaved badly towards my father as he reached the later stages of amnesia - I was angry at him often. And I still do not know why I lost all my discipline with him. There is no excuse. Confidant: 122: My Father 1 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Some things amuse me.

She met some friends of her parents recently. They had moved to the UK from India sometime in the 70s with very little money. The story was about the struggles they had to go through to get a house and then a loan for a car - and she presented it as ever so charming. I roll back twenty years and we have moved to Delhi on an expatriate package, living in a beautiful apartment in a prestigious part of the city (Nizamuddin East), getting our furniture custom made and there is unbelievable drama because some cupboard doesn't have lights.

But, thankfully, she is starting another job - having left her last one some months ago. Confidant: 190: The Job (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Hopefully she will work well and sincerely in this one and actually try to make a difference. Already, though, even before starting, she is looking at terms and conditions and whether she can work remotely in India for a couple of weeks - while spending time with her mother. A perfectly legitimate thing to do but I did suggest that she should become friends and provide excellence at work before asking for things - but maybe I am old fashioned. As a manager, while I would keep an open mind and support as much as possible, a person with a focus on the benefits even before starting would put my antenna on alert.

However, bigger picture, fingers crossed, she will find the love of her life in her new place of work and leave me!

196: Random articles .... and lessons maybe?

There are very few stories that are new. I am one of 7 billion or whatever people and my story is repeated so very many times. 

I don't go seeking out articles but, from time to time, some resonate when I come across them. 

I’m 70 and so full of regret about my husband and career | Marriage | The Guardian - I always say that I do not want to end up where my father and mother did at 90 and 80 respectively; full of anger and resentment. This lady's issues were different because she has clearly had a career, whereas my mother's regret was about not working and not using her skills. But the regret may come from not leaving an unloving situation - and I fully admit that it is now me who is unable to love.

Confidant: 169: My Mother (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) In her autobiography, she rails against her mother and her husband. 

Confidant: 122: My Father 1 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) I don't know whether he was loving or not - for sure he was married to his work - but he was dutiful and hard working. And where she bemoaned opportunities lost, so he felt unappreciated and 'like a servant in his own home.'

Absolutely not where I want to end up.

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What being a hospice volunteer taught me about death and life | Death and dying | The Guardian - just a very beautiful article. 'Now, when a new day breaks, I try to see it from their perspective and cherish the humdrum as a gift. And when I finish a hospice shift, I want to take back into the outside world that sense of life stripped back to its essentials, where what ultimately matters is love.'  A slightly lazy last sentence but the 'essentials' are what matter. 

'I’m discovering that it’s essential to recognise that we can’t control life in the way we assume. The existence we take for granted is as frail as dreams and it can dissolve in a heartbeat.' So very true.

In all our troubles - virtually from day one - I have tried to focus on the fundamentals and how lucky we are     Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)  Confidant: Entry 21: All Gone to Pot (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And when I think that I am just being a baby and immature, that I should simply 'get over' myself, the writer was putting down life stories and, 'Each interview would start the same way: with an apology. The patients apologised for having led boring lives that were not worth recording. Then, as they rewound the years, I realised they were discovering for the first time that they were a pivotal part of a story; that they had made an imprint on the world.' Yes, each one of us is one in eight billion or whatever, but each story counts and each life is important.

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Think yourself better: 10 rules of philosophy to live by | Philosophy books | The Guardian - a pleasant article.

And ends with what I am reputed to have learnt from my maternal grandfather when he quoted that 'virtue lies in the golden mean'! Admittedly, that was to excuse not the greatest exam results! But has held to be true in most of my life. 'Are you a Head of or just a Manager...?' she asked me once!!

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Glennon Doyle: ‘So many women feel caged by gender, sexuality, religion’ | Life and style | The Guardian     “I’d been conditioned to believe that a good mother never hurts her children and she certainly doesn’t break up her family,” Doyle writes in her new book, Get Untamed. “I decided to quit showing my children how to slowly die and instead show them how to bravely live. I became their model, not their martyr.” 

A bit of a reach this but interesting enough about taking the leap. And most of the reason I didn't leave, once I had gotten over my 'duty' shtick with my wife who is perfectly capable of holding down a job and being independent but chooses not to, is that I could not contemplate living apart from our son. Not for what I could do for him but the life that he gave me.

'“The braver we are, the luckier we get,” she writes. Surely, I ask, the truth is more likely to be the other way round: the luckier we are, the braver we can be. To my surprise she agrees straight away'. And it is true that, even I had been of a mind to be able to leave, we would not have had the resources to maintain our son's lifestyle (private school, nice house) - he would have had to give up much, through no fault of his, and I was not prepared to do that.

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The man who walked around the world: Tom Turcich on his seven-year search for the meaning of life | Walking | The Guardian

About a guy who lost a best friend to an accident and upped at 25 to walk around the world for seven years to find some truths.

“You end up realising so little is down to willpower, because there are much smarter, much kinder people than me all over the world who don’t have my opportunities.” Absolutely. The accident of birth gives us such a push or a barrier. Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

"Has it made him more confident in himself? That’s a difficult question to answer, he says. “It’s a kind of Dunning-Kruger. You know, the psychological study where the dumbest person in the room is the most confident? The more you know, the less confident you are. I think I was pretty confident at the beginning, but I was an idiot. Once you know you don’t know everything, you lose some of the confidence and become less sure about things.” Oh yes - though she is not at all dumb, she lives in a world of complete certainty.

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‘I’ve hit 60 – I’m officially an old fart and I’m going to embrace it’: the thing I’ll do differently in 2023 | Life and style | The Guardian

'Best of all, being 60 and embracing my age gives me the licence to be young again. The 30s, 40s and 50s are all about dreary responsibility, caution and not upsetting the apple cart. Being a bloody grownup. Now I’ve hit the big six-oh and am officially an old fart, the pressure’s off. At 60, I have the freedom to be as immature as I want. Game on.'

Am not 60 yet but the sentiments resonate. What will the next two years bring? If I am to make a break then our son finishing his A Levels and moving into the world of university is the time to do it - leave till later and much time will have been wasted.

195: Writing to an agony aunt

 There was an article in the Guardian - My marriage is in meltdown – again. How can I save it? | Marriage | The Guardian. In it, the letter writer to the agony aunt talked about there being enough 'scraps of battered love ...' to try and save the marriage and asked for advice. 

Philippa Perry provides various bits of advice and then goes a little 'mechanical' - 'feelings follow behaviour'. [I smiled as in my professional change management world I often use 'mechanics drive culture'!!]

'give your husband at least three appreciations or compliments every day' - the only love letters that exist are from me to her. Nicknames made up were from me. After every rollicking I would come back and try to be affectionate all over again. More fool me - presents would have been enough.

'Remember love is not something passive that you fall into, it is something active that you do. Also think of three loving behaviours to do every day. Maybe help him with his tax bill, or empty the dishwasher or cook a nice meal. You must get into the habit of these loving behaviours before you even begin to address any complaints to re-establish trust' - have helped her with job applications when requested, washing, cleaning, the lot - not as a chore or a transactional action but simply as a partner. 

'And it is amazing that when you decide to act in loving, forgiving ways, it can make you feel more loving, too. Feelings follow behaviour.' - and, believe me, I have tried.

I came across this old entry, at a point where I had lost my temper after years of accepting it all: Confidant: 58: In her words ... and some in mine (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) 

The feelings are clear on both sides but I end the letter by trying to take steps - things got much worse before improving but I know I have tried everything.

And here as well: Confidant: Entry 21: All Gone to Pot (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) 

Reading the 'battered love' letter, I wrote to Philippa Perry and asked, not for advice, but the benefit of her experience because my / our experience is commonplace. She came back very quickly in an email. 

The maxim, 'choose guilt every time', is a strong one - let's see.

Hello Philippa 

Thank you for your clear and succinct thought. 

I have stayed all these years because I could not bear the thought of living apart from our son; not because of my value to his life but his to mine.

He is now 17 and next year gets to his A Levels. That is my target date. 

Thank you again, I read your column with interest and wish you well. 

Take care

 A.

On 15 Mar 2023, at 11:55, Philippa Perry <philippa.perry.freelancer@theguardian.com> wrote:

Hi there A., 

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time. 

 To lessen the guilt see you child and be involved in your child's life as much as you can be and carry on with financial arrangements until child is independent. But don't waste your life by being shouted at. 

 With very best wishes, 

 Philippa

 On Fri, 10 Mar 2023 at 12:21

Dear Philippa

 I am writing this with much hesitancy as I ponder why I am doing so, but here goes anyway.

I read with interest the letter and your response of 5^th March, 2023. In my case the ‘scraps of battered love’ blew away years ago. I have been shouted at and held my voice while her anger has humiliated me. I have joked, reasoned, written and, in return, been accused of being callous and a failure. I have not judged but been supportive of every move. I have screamed into pillows and gone to bed crying despite being an adult, given myself space with the gym and sport, gone to counselling when I began to dream of falling planes and popping pills, written a diary to let go of stress.

 And I know that my story is entirely unexceptional. And that, perhaps, is why I am writing.

 To try to find who is to blame and who is more wrong or less right is futile – what is, just is, and who cares anyway – there is no value to apportioning fault. Coming to my mid-fifties with a child a couple of years from finishing school, I know I need to get away. While I have been accused of infidelity that is not true (never has been) and I have no one to go to. For my peace of my mind, though, for however many years I have left, I just need to be alone.

 She is a perfectly educated, outwardly charming, healthy, well-loved woman but one who has chosen, mostly, not to work – and that means that she is, perhaps, not as independent as she might be. I don’t care about monetary or financial arrangements – they can carry on as now; but I need to get away.

 I am not seeking permission but looking for guidance based on your experience. Is this immature? How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?

 With thanks

 A. (obviously, should you proceed with this, I would request anonymity)

 Background: The issues began almost from the start of my marriage - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and we almost came to divorce - Confidant: 155: History - when will she burp again? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com). There was then a Confidant: 99 – A Dramatic Turnaround (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and life has been mostly peaceable and bearable since, but I cannot forget.

 

 

 

194: Random thoughts over a peaceful Easter break

She has been away for the last couple of weeks and will be for another - essentially during the Easter holiday.

Still no sign of a new job since she left the last one - Confidant: 190: The Job (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My son and I are, therefore, having a peaceful break - he works, we watch TV, he has gone out with some friends, he does the cooking for himself. I have suggested going away for a weekend or something but he has consistently said 'no'. He has started going out for walks and I leave him to it rather than suggest going along. 

When she rings me in the morning, it is all about this person or that person and how they are doing things all wrong. Come to think of it, the only people she does not - or hardly ever - criticises are some of her parents' (aged) friends - and, in turn, they absolutely adore her. Of her generation and those below, it is full of judgement and criticism.

Admittedly, where I am is also probably not the best place! In that I generally consider myself a failure while I see my friends (close or otherwise) having qualities that surpass me in every way and I am in awe of them. But, hey, life has been kind enough and I have done what I can.

There has to be a middle rung, right? Where, if you are confident in yourself, and have little to complain about, then you can afford to be generous to others? I do not mean in a patronising way but but people come from all sorts of different places and if they are saying or thinking things that you may not agree with, let it go. There is no need to judge them or try and show how your thoughts are better or whatever. It is possible to learn from them - if only to try and understand what one should care not to be - but why bring stress into one's own life by thinking about others?

Et voila, I am judging there myself, aren't I? And, as I write, I think that is the point. She rings me and immediately the thoughts start to ping around in my head. To be able to live without that running commentary would be great!

193: Treading water and having fun / staying peaceful

 I have written a couple of times about amnesia and how a few good moments can wipe out months of misery.

Her 50th birthday in early January and we go on a expensive trip to Costa Rica for Christmas. And, actually, it was quite fun. Good travelling group with us, our son was quiet but seemed to enjoy the time, we were being led from place to place and so she did not have much to 'control'.

(Once, though, we were given the option of cleaning or not cleaning our rooms at our hotel for a two night stay - would have been a few tens of dollars I suppose. As Costa Rica has the system of dumping the used toilet paper into a bin rather than flushing, I suggested it would be a good thing to have the room cleaned and, specifically, the dustbin refreshed. Of course she said no!)

In the same town, we needed to go to a supermarket for some provisions. 'Oh, I've heard of this one,' noticing one across the street. A more modern one was on this side of the road and looked a rather more attractive place. No, that was not a good option. The newer one turned out to have far better stocks and was the place where she could get coffee. (Of course I did not know this initially. I have no magic devining powers but why automatically shut me down?!!) 

Having come home, it's been peaceful as well. For her 50th I was expecting some issues as the only thing I'd planned was a dinner at a very posh restaurant and a card - plus Costa Rica! I was expecting (hoping?) for a blow at my lack of care.

(To be fair, I had suggested posh lunch and then a day out in London and a play - but she preferred a dinner, after school, with our son. Fair enough, Had also suggested a lunch with a group of her girlfriends - but this was also turned down. I know of other couples who have arranged parties in secret and so on but I was not going to be bothered with all that - it would be hypocritical.)

But no drama came. 

I wonder how long this reasonableness will last.

This, 'saying and doing the opposite' is almost an illness now. Usually she is a bit over-worried about petrol or charging up the cars. She always fills up well in advance. So I ask this afternoon whether she wants me to put her car on change as the range was down to about 30. 'It's 35 and I will need 24 tomorrow - it is better for a battery to be low down in charge before charging again.' Fair enough argument but completely opposite attitude to her usual one - but the constant is that it allowed her to go against what I was suggesting. Hey ho ....

So, treading water for now and I continue to wonder about the right time to say that we have no future together. Dunno - letting the universe flow.

192: Petty, petty, petty ...

Our cleaner gets £56 for four hours' work.

Usually I minimise the coins by providing £55 in notes and £1. And, week in week out, I am the one at home and get this done.

I have had this debate with my wife before where She, on the other hand, feels it necessary to exert some control by giving more coins and fewer notes!!

So, today, She is home and I see about ten £1 coins piled up. 'We should get rid of our change. If she won't use a bank account, I am under no obligation to provide her notes.'

I mean, this is just petty. The person being paid is a cleaner - she does not earn much. Do you have to be inconvenient and load her down with coins? Petty, petty, petty ...

She asks me the other day whether I am playing golf on Sunday. Yes. 'Well, I'll go to Canary Wharf for shopping.' I can feel and see that she is unhappy - presumably upset that we are not going Christmas shopping.

But we have also spent almost £7000 going to Costa Rica for the Christmas holidays and her 50th. And I have transferred the £600 that goes to our individual accounts from our joint one every December

Anyway, I cancel the golf and tell her we are going shopping. Mood visibly lifts. 

Child.