146: 20 years - Anniversary

It was our 20th marriage anniversary yesterday  - 15th August.  We have two dates - one for the registry wedding and one a week later for the ceremonial one.

Ok, in the past, often she has been in India on long holidays with her parents over this period and so I have not had to think about the day. 

But then, of course, she 'knew' - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2015/09/in-her-words-and-some-in-mine.html - that I would not do anything and that was why she was in India!

Since the time of our 'troubles' I have been conscious to book an expensive meal and sometimes a show. I have still got into trouble for not posting pictures on Facebook!!

So, this year I said that for the 15th of August, she should book the restaurant. My mother would be staying with us and so we could easily go out - just she and I. She agreed.

Nothing happened.

And then I hear,'your mother says that she wants to take us out for dinner.' 

'We do not have to do that,' I respond,'we can go out.' Previous years I would have insisted on us going out for fear of her reaction but this time I did not - left it to her. My mother would not have objected if told that we wanted to go out on our own. 

In the meantime, I have booked a show for the 22nd for all three of us. And, to be fair, she has been fine about being taken out by my mother - saying that she and I can go out another day; a very reasonable attitude.

I was swimming the other day and a thought occurred. To mark the landmark anniversary we had gone away for a hugely expensive holiday - an African safari. But that probably was not going to be enough was it? I decided not to take the risk and ordered some expensive jewellery in addition!! So far, so good - mood is fine. But no, 'oh, I was not expecting this, you should not have - after all that we spent on the holiday.'

For the Facebook update issue, I took a couple of photographs because she wanted to and sent them to her by WhatsApp. I have not yet seen on FB - and if I'm challenged, I will once again say, 'why does it have to be me all the time?!'

On the face of it, things are good between us right now and all is calm and even fun. In my head and heart, of course, nothing has changed and I have lost all connection. Even if I did love, whether a picture appeared on FB or not would not matter to me. But what if it did matter? Why, indeed, does it have to be me all the time? Anyway, didn't matter ever, doesn't matter now.

As I was walking to work today, I began to think that it would be fascinating to do a study on a mix of husbands - to see what they feel. Many of the dads at my son's school are white, English and far more successful than me. Do they feel they are slaves? Do they feel under-appreciated? Do they need validation? In brief, drunken, Christmas party conversations it has seemed that they have similar stories but would be fascinating to know.

Onward ...

145: Advice to a younger self

Another interesting article - this time about 'advice to your younger self'. The author questions the value of this but the important conclusion is:

'Because the crucial issue, after all, isn’t what you might have done differently in the past, had you been someone that you couldn’t have been back then. It’s what you’d do now, if you treated yourself with half the kindness and goodwill you unhesitatingly extend to your favourite relatives or friends. For many people, I know, this can be a major challenge. But unlike changing the past, it has the enormous advantage of not being impossible.'

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/12/cant-change-past-why-advice-younger-self-oliver-burkeman?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1562941383

144: Life without a narrative

Really interesting article about the self. 

https://www.theguardian.com/global/2019/jul/06/are-you-really-the-real-you-and-how-can-we-best-become-our-true-selves?CMP=share_btn_fb

And an excerpt:

'I now think my question about whether we can be persuaded into the “right” belief about our “true selves” rests on the false idea that there is some truth waiting to be discovered. And that we can get at it with enough evidence, as though the Alex of today was waiting, dormant, inside the Alex of 2000, and that the right sort of evidence could have revealed him. Of course it wasn’t.

'The traits and preferences and perspectives Alex now takes to define himself didn’t exist to be discovered when he was wondering who he really was; they were made in and by the decision to walk away. Perhaps the challenge in changing our minds about who we really are is not to rationally persuade ourselves into a new story about who we are, but to learn to live for periods of our life without one.

'This sounds like a deeply frightening prospect, if you think that selves just are – or depend upon – a coherent narrative. But life without pre-written story can also be enormously fun. That’s part of what was so great about the episodes of Faking It that ended as successfully as Alex’s: you got to watch the childish wonder of people realising they were capable of the things they had declared they could never do. It was hard not to well up when people broke through their rigid views of themselves to find joy and promise in the possibility of life without a script.'

I believe it was making the point that we all live to a narrative. But perhaps we believe there is a different narrative - the 'true' self. But how about life without a narrative?!

143: Talking about Others

We know a couple with a background not a million miles removed from us. Let us call him X and she Y.

To me X & Y seem very compatible with similar tastes and a mutual liking for each other.

'Oh,' my wife says, 'I saw pictures of Y on Facebook with some of her friends. She looks so happy - she never looks like that in photos with X. Not saying their marriage was a mistake but she will not be happy with him. She made a mistake.'

This is somewhat ironic given that that was the very same accusation made against me. That in my Facebook photographs I look much happier with others than I do with her. So, going by the same rules, I made a mistake!!!

What is this about judging others and never, ever doing a bit of self-assessment and having even a modicum of self-awareness!! https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2019/05/137-self-awareness.html

142: What is this Obsession with Age?

A friend of mine sent me a message. As part of his work, he had come across someone - whom he hadn't yet met and did not even know the gender of - who shared my surname. 'A bit of a bizarre question, but is she related to you?'

I did not recognise the name but passed it on to my wife as it seemed vaguely familiar.

Her response back: 'Could be I know her. Is this a very senior position? She is younger than me.'

What is this obsession with age. Her logic went that my friend - who is 50 like me - was unlikely to be associating with someone younger than her (46). Either my friend is a failure for doing so or her acquaintance is very successful!!

I remember a conversation from years ago about my age. https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2016/05/92-struggling-and-tired.html

I would venture to say that this is once more down to the well entrenched sense of 'entitlement'. 

Age does not and cannot guarantee seniority - except in time-serving and stale organisations. None of birth, university, family, contacts and even innate abilities of intelligence or charm can or should entitle one to success. Surely it is about working and being lucky. The only - and very important -  outcome driven by the elements above is where one starts. Life is not a conveyor belt - it is very much a game of snakes and ladders and some start at 0, others further up!

141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000

While clearing out some old papers, found a few letters from the dim and distant past.

Amazingly, they appear to be written by me to my wife all in the space of a couple of weeks in April 2000 - the very first year of our marriage, eight months in.

I had been in Brussels – had negotiated a stay with her there as well when the usual arrangement was to be single and come back to base (UK) every weekend. I had been lobbying for a posting out in India, was on the point of succeeding and had gone out to India with her for a reconnaissance visit. She had stayed back while I returned to Europe.

Letter 1 (10^th April, 2000):

‘I am missing you terribly much my love.’ And then a lot of general news.

Letter 2 (17^th April, 2000)

‘I am missing so very much. When I see you I’m going to squeeze you and squeeze you and kiss you a hundred times in front of whole Heathrow. My love, my love, my love …’

I know I had written a similar letter on Valentine’s Day that same year. This was me genuinely feeling what I was writing and giving of myself completely.

Letter 3 (28^th April, 2000)

‘M., we just spoke on the phone and, frankly, I’m hurt and confused. Words mean a lot to me. Unlike a lot of other people I very rarely let emotion take control of my words. I’m aware that you, like others, have a temper and say things which, possibly, you don’t mean. But I take words for what they mean – ie literally – and so what you said upset me greatly. Sorry if I am over-reacting.'

I then go on to address various accusations of unfairness and meanness – all pointed towards my family and friends. The word ‘hate’ is used. I end with:

‘Why can’t we live within ourselves, secure in who we are and being forgiving of who we see? I never knew the meaning of love until I met you. You are everything to me – if you love me then nothing and no one else matters. But we keep falling out over people – why? I don’t understand. Am I that stupid, that naieve? Does my opinion of other people matter more to you than what I think of you? I go back to my original question – have I been so neglectful of you? Do I need to cut off links with my family?’

This attitudinal issue of control and resentment never changed – though I kept my head down, broke relationships and built distance from those close to me over the next decade and a half. Nothing worked. The issues were the same in 2015.

Though things are far better now after the Magic Turnaround, but how real is it all. And, anyway, I have been broken and I’m staying only for our son.

140: A Good Moment

This has been a good year for our son - as I noted in my previous entry, he did well in his end of year exams. He also got a mention from the Headmaster on doing very well in some sort of Maths Olympiad.

He also won Player of the Year in his rugby B team at school and did well enough to get his black-belt in karate.

And the other day, I was sitting next to him and he started tapping away on my bald patch with his fingers. Don't get hugs or wraparounds very often any more but this was a little moment of intimacy.

He seems very happy and content. Now to build on this good year. Hope I will be able to help him!