164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!)

 I wrote - sometime back in 2019 - about how I found some old papers and some old love letters - Entry 141: The Day the Music Died. These showed how the issues that have mushroomed over the years were always there.

Going through some other boxes, I found the Valentine's Letter 2000 that I referred to in the Entry 141.

I go on for two A4 pages about how much I love her - I was coming back from a trip and wrote this in an airport lounge. 'I love you so much and have missed you so dearly on this last trip. I don't think I have loved you more than I do just now when we are apart. I cannot wait to see you again in a few hours' time, to hold you, to talk with you, to be silly with you.' 

(since our marriage - a few months earlier) 'it is impossible to imagine life without you as a friend and lover. One of my dreams having been fulfilled - ie finding you - I have one great aim left. And that is to be the man that I want to be inside. For now I am too petty, too inhibited, too constrained by complexes, too much of a bluffer. But, with your strength, even that is possible.'

And then I go on:

'Am I allowed to criticize? Just as I hope you will work on me so I hope you will allow me to work on you. [Remember, this was written 20 years ago - in much younger days.] All I would ask is that you be a little more forgiving of others and live by looser rules than you do. You have often berated me for what I believe are, ultimately, some of my strong points - and I've been similarly criticised in the past by my family; I was hoping to get a more sympathetic hearing from you! Yes, I am willing to ring when others have not rung me. Yes, I am willing to overlook slights. Yes, I am willing to go out of my way. As a result I have a strong set of friends and a family which thinks reasonably of me. None of us is perfect but we do think ourselves to be, then we judge others, find that they are not and that's when the trouble starts.

'Life is good. I can confidently say that, amongst my family and my friends and your family and friends, there is not one person who would wish us anything other than the best - let's enjoy that. Let's have an easy life.'

Unhappiness and control - a toxic mixture - how did I have the energy to survive so long and I am angry that my vulnerability has been quite so abused. For the sake of our son, I stay.

163: Someone finds me attractive (!)

 I have thought long and hard before putting this up - but, as this is a picture of my life, I decided to do so in the end.

Someone - a woman - I have known for a very long time, and we keep in touch anyway, said that she 'needed' to speak to me.

We had a conversation but I did not feel that we had addressed the issue she needed to discuss.

Another conversation - another unsatisfactory conclusion.

Ultimately she wrote to say that for some while now she had been physically attracted to me and, despite the dangers of sharing this, she wanted to let me know. 'Fuck it, you need to know.'

This, for me, was an unique situation - never happened to me. I have always considered myself to be short, fat and ugly and have never considered that anyone could be attracted to me physically. I am a nice enough guy and try to look after myself, but this was different.

I was able to share back - genuinely - that in our younger days I had had something of a crush on her myself!! And I thanked her for sharing and for saying something to me that meant so much to me.

We now talk more regularly. She is married happily and even though that is not the case for me, even when I split, a long-term relationship would be the last thing I would be looking for - to place an ounce of my 'happiness' into someone else's hand and to be even minutely, formally accountable for someone else's is now beyond me.

But, lovely of her to say what she did and lovelier still to make that connection as the feeling was mutual.

162: Pizza Day unhappiness again (!)

 Not having written for quite a while, thought I would check back on my last entry - and there were my irritations on the day that I had made some pizza. Today was also such a day!!!!

So, one piece of news that should be positive is that she has started work again. Having previously always gone on and on about starting in roles 'beneath her' - as I've written before (just below 'current note') - she has taken such an administrative job at a school. She had done well there as an agency employee and so she was asked to interview and won the role. Great for her and she seems to be enjoying it. But where I had hoped that stresses would not rise, they are.

The target is to cook more than we usually on the weekend so that we don't have to cook in the evenings. Take it in turns on the Saturday or Sunday. I cooked last weekend and had offered to do so again this time.

Had a few things to do through the day and so I cooked from 9 am or so till 11 to get the task over with and done. (I am of course looking after my son's school lunches and the dinner time routine all days anyway.)

'Please don't cook in the morning from now on. It stinks the house out and I don't like waking to that.'

'Use a lower heat when cooking.'

'Don't use that spoon - I use that for pasta only.' (news to me!)

It is almost as if there is something in the DNA that has to say 'criticise' - that can show no or little appreciation. And, with our son, she veers from 'kuchi, kuchi' to really very aggressive - as ever, he appears to be able to brush things off far better than I ever could.

Previously, there was always huge tension on school mornings. He would have to set off at 7:40 am and she would not come down to make his lunch till about 7:20 and then he would be slow and the whole thing was a drama every day. Now, she leaves at 7:15 am, I do everything and all is calm.

But, as soon as she returns in the evening, it is 'do this, do that' - and all in that strident and demanding tone. The need to control and the need to criticise - where does it come from? My mother was the same, and they went to the same school - perhaps that is what they taught / teach there!!

I am tired, just so tired. I wish to God that her soul-mate / moment of blinding love walks in through her school doors and she is compelled to leave me and us.

My mother has been stuck in India because of Covid. She has become very unwell and is finally due back on 29 September 2020. My sister-in-law has flown out to bring her back and my mother is due to come and stay with us initially.

Unfortunately, I am due to be away for an annual golf weekend from 2-4 October and today my wife tells me, 'can you mother stay with your brother initially as, with work and everything, I won't be able to look after her without you.'

Somewhat ironic this, as she spends much of her time being all loud and noisy about how competent she is compared to others!!

So, I will probably end up cancelling the golf - no big deal - as my brother and sister-in-law may have other commitments. I will have done the cooking and everything, so I do not see the issue and, the other way round (ie her parents come, I'm working and she is away, I would have coped) - but, hey ho.

Just fucking tired.

161: Trying - just trying

I was doing some cooking the other day - pizzas for lunch.

Mainly our son likes margherita but, for my wife and me, I usually add some ham or something on top.

I couldn't find peperoni and so added some normal Milano.

'Why couldn't you find the peperroni? 'Near enough is good enough' does not work in cooking.' (said not in a terribly nasty way but certainly with a tone.)

Reminds me of many years ago when my cousin and her family were visiting from the US and they were due to come over to our's along with my parents. I said I would take care of all the cooking and shopping etc. for what would be about 12 people in total - she would not have to lift a finger.

For weeks or months beforehand I heard about how all of it would be an utter failure, that we should get food in or some such. I wrote about it in https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2015/12/what-i-really-think-but-cannot-say.html - para. 14.

And it really wasn't - all was good. And as for the pizza, once it was cooked she was happily eating up the last crumb. The whole doing-down is almost unconscious - like breathing!!

I wrote in https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2014/09/38-one-that-got-away.html that, 'Close to twenty years later, I know what to look for in a relationship – support, common purpose, a haven, friendship, the confidence of doing right rather than the continuous fear of doing wrong, someone to find comfort in rather than feel lonely with.'

And that is it - I grew up in that context of being fearful of being wrong and she is of the same ilk! I hope my son does not feel the same way - he may be stronger than me.

A good friend and I were discussing mid-life and the worries and sense (or loss) of purpose etc. and I shared 

https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2017/02/110-mid-life-another-common-story.html and the links to the external articles within.

Then I came across an article about a cricketer in England who had suffered from depression and panic attacks, Like any sportsman, he did well sometimes and not so well at other times. One of the passages in the piece said that, during a bad patch, a friend had said to him, 'this does not define you.' 'I was thinking that if I don't perform, that makes me a crappy person and they said: 'you can still be a good husband or brother or son.' I thought, 'I'd rather be a good one of them than a good cricketer.'

I think back to my counselling sessions - https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2016/05/97-counselling-sessions-2.html - where I felt it was only with my close friends that the above would be true. In any other environment, achievement - I have felt, rightly or wrongly - is the entry to being liked.

And, of course, my own wife said, ‘And you don’t exactly do great work. Aren’t you ashamed that you’ve not had a pay rise for five years? Anyone doing a proper job would not have so much time for friends. People go to work not for friends. Don’t kid yourself that you are in a serious job.’ https://dear-confidant.blogspot.com/2015/09/huge-row-getting-worse.html

160 - An Article to Ponder

A different stage of life but wise words in this article:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jun/18/leading-questions-i-feel-unhappy-with-my-girlfriend-but-i-fear-if-i-end-things-it-will-destroy-her

I love my girlfriend but don’t see myself with her for marriage or kids. I feel so conflicted. We’ve lived together for five years, we get on well most of the time. But I find I am losing patience with her. She’s jealous of any female colleagues, which makes me loathe to discuss work or friends with her. She will go through my Facebook friends at times and ask “Who’s [name]?” – it feels like an accusation every time.

I’m very extroverted and enjoy doing things with others, making plans at random, and she’s the opposite of this. I think it’s healthy to have outside interests and friends, and she doesn’t have any. I’m beginning to think we just aren’t right for each other, but I fear if I ever made a decision to try and end things, it would destroy her. I’ve tried talking to her before and felt I got nowhere. I feel unhappy, but wrong for feeling unhappy. *

Eleanor says: We both know that the quiet core of this question is no question: you want to leave. When we speak about our partners to other people, we should listen to what we say. The first thing you said was that you don’t see yourself with this person for marriage or kids. The second thing you said was that there’s a list of good reasons for that. So if you’d like permission to feel that way, you have it: I release you. You don’t have to stay.

But you know that, and you knew I’d say that. I’ve been in your position before, we all have; knowing enough about our desire to leave to talk about it to other people, but not quite enough to act on it. We lay out our dissatisfactions to our friends and they agree. They license leaving, and then when we don’t our friends are mystified.

So why don’t we leave? Often, as you say, it is because we fear it would destroy them. We’re afraid to leave for the same reasons that we want to: they don’t have much else going on, they’re not interested in anything else, they don’t have close friends or family. Convinced of our indispensability, we martyr ourselves because “it would be cruel to leave”.

But listen: it’s also cruel to stay. People know when you don’t love them. They can tell when you’re not excited about a future together. If this woman wants to be married or to have kids, you are wasting her time. And even if she doesn’t, you should not let her continue to be with someone who does not want her wholeheartedly. You plainly care about her and love her enough to not hurt her by leaving; let that same care guide you away from the hurt you’d do by staying.

I’m not saying it will be easy. Maybe she will fall to pieces and call you drunk at three in the morning and tell you that her life is over now. Or maybe, instead, she’ll call on resources within herself that she hasn’t had to use in years, put on some Destiny’s Child and be glad to have hit rock bottom so she has something to bounce off.

Whatever happens, you do not help her by staying. If the best thing in her life is a partner who isn’t sure they want to be there, you should not play any part in keeping her stuck this way.

Leaving partners we love and routines we know takes enormous courage and comes with enormous risk. We break away from the familiar because we hope that the unknown could be better. This takes bravery, and optimism, and most importantly hope. Have that hope for your partner as much as for yourself, because the familiar isn’t good for her, either.

159: Coronavirus 2 - getting on my tits

A very poor title I know - and, actually, the issues are not big - but irritations continue.

This morning our son asks after his underwear as he can't find any. This is just a perennial issue. Because she has this weird system of washing or procrastinates and suddenly we are without underwear!

Yes, of course, I could do it. But, no, I am not allowed. Clearly, washing clothes is a highly skilled activity. Alongside loading and unloading the dishwasher and clearing the sink or folding clothes. To be fair, she does most of this because of our history where I would find myself doing a second shift after coming home and a few years ago she decided that the kitchen work and washing was her's - though I am still allowed to cook from time to time.

During normal days, though she was not working, she would delay and we'd be clearing up the kitchen gone 9:30 pm - this I no longer participate in and that is by mutual agreement. However, the effect is that we do not sit down together to watch a film or some TV as a family as she usually huffs and puffs her way upstairs towards 10 pm. She could do this earlier.

Now, during coronavirus there is even less to do. I have gone back to working and am busy all day but, even then, a little bit of time management and there is no reason why all can't be done by 8 pm and there should be no searching for underwear.

But, no. The same old, same old. Waste all day looking at Facebook, reading articles so she can pontificate, yakking with friends and not start any work before 7 pm - therefore, not finish before 10 pm.

Of course I am not allowed to say anything. And as I am in the 'at risk' category - BAME, over 50, male - she is in her element going to the shops to 'protect' me.

As ever, wouldn't mind laziness and procrastination if the standards our son and I were held to were different / consistent and she would not be so judgemental about others. But, hey ho … not so bad really.

158: Life in the time of the Coronavirus

5 weeks now, locked into a house. My freelance contract finished on 31^st March and so I’m ‘at-home’ rather than ‘working from home’. As she and I have been getting on reasonably well over the last few years, the atmosphere has been fine. She has been going to exercise classes regularly over the last couple of years and so we go out walking every other day and all is pleasant.

In fact, before the lockdown started towards the end of March 2020, she had been working as a freelance herself for about 3 weeks. And the assignment had clearly gone well – she had enjoyed her time and her colleagues, judging by the leaving card comments, clearly appreciated her work. All good to see.

It was ironic, though, that previously she had, without telling me, thrown away cards my friends/colleagues had presented me with. Her own card she displayed proudly on a shelf in the kitchen!!!

So, all good really but …. as she herself if very fond of pontificating to friends and relations on the phone, ‘a person’s character cannot change.’

I was reading this article which has a very nice paragraph: ‘One place to start is with vigilant attention to what we allow as normal. Do not permit small expressions of contempt. Anger, frustration, sadness, blame – yes, but never contempt. Keep contempt out of your home and you’ll have a difference in the kind – not just degree – of your fights and the curdled sprawls that ruin families. Don’t just take it in your stride when people speak to you in ways you don’t like – act surprised. Surprise marks clear edges around what we expect of our relationships, and communicating that “this isn’t normal” is often an effective way of communicating “it shouldn’t be”.’


As I have always done, I do my fair share of the cooking and cleaning – now that our cleaner cannot come, I do the bathrooms, she does the kitchen floor for example. I cook decently but am always told off for not using a recipe – though the outcome is usually ok. I prepare our son’s meals eight times out of ten. She wasn’t feeling very well and so I made the pizzas one lunchtime – and was told off for not using the ‘right’ passata. I am of course not competent enough to load the dishwashes ‘correctly’. I do ‘act surprised’ and make a jokey comment or two but do not react.

(But when one has been told in the past, ‘And you don’t exactly do great work. Aren’t you ashamed that you’ve not had a pay rise for five years? Anyone doing a proper job would not have so much time for friends. People go to work not for friends. Don’t kid yourself that you are in a serious job.’ - these are minor issues! Entry 61)

I am more concerned now about her behaviour with our son. It is much improved from before but whereas he leans into for a hug with me, he shies away from her. Generally, her conversations with him are instructions – ‘you haven’t’ done this or that or the other – or, worse, harangues. That is difficult for anyone to handle, let alone a 14-year-old. Particularly annoying is she herself is a procrastinator and a half-finisher of things which leaves papers and clothes strewn all over the place – the very things she accuses him of. I try and tread the line between being a parent and being fair to both, but I fear for the effect it may have on him – as I have pointed out to her. Entry 157 and Entry 149.

Overall, though, the environment has not been so bad and I pray that that continues. I ask him, ‘ who’s my baby?’, ‘who’s my hero?’ – I am, I am. But fights will happen and possibly they will affect me more than either of them – perhaps I am just being a snowflake.