Weekday evening. Our son (now 14) is watching some football on TV. There is nothing else on.
At some point in the last month he has taken out an Amazon Prime subscription - free for one month. His mother wants to watch a film on there and asks for the password. Not an unreasonable request.
But they have been doing this faux, play fighting for a bit, have probably niggled each other and he starts being ansty - saying that she has been aggressive and that, in any case, (i) he has told her the password before and (ii) it is very easy to set up an account and get a free month's Prime.
This just goes on and on - each one being as stubborn as the other. Neither will give in. I try to persuade him but it will not happen.
My wife then, frankly, becomes a child. She says, 'ok, if you won't do this for me then you can iron your own clothes, go to school by bus, don't expect me to have your friends over, make your own school lunch.' She is incandescent with rage.
She huffs off to bed and I send him to his room - am upset and angry with both. He is crying. I ask him one last time. 'She knows what it is - it is my birthday.' I transmit this to her but it does not work; turns out he meant that he had written it in numbers whereas we thought it was in words.
Yes, he was being unreasonable but she must have irked him previously and for her to lose it completely was bizarre. She is 47, he is 14 - the reaction is beyond words.
He and I have had issues on occasion. If I have been wrong and lost my temper, I have apologised. If he has been in the wrong - for example, once when he kept repeating '5 minutes' when I was calling him for dinner - I have explained the situation in terms of the inconvenience, rudeness and irritation and he has responded positively.
My wife's irrational behaviour has happened before - Entry 68, Entry 55, - I wrote in Entry 71:
Let us hope you do not also lose our son.
Do you know that on those evenings you go out with your friends, we have the most lovely time? A bit of work, dinner, a game or two and then quiet reading. Unlike the stress that exists when you are around.
Our son – unlike me – is a bounce-backer and in that sense more like you. He will take your punishment and then be as cheerful as before but how long will he carry on like that?
Do you note the times he asks why you have to scold him all the time? When his shoulders slump and his face becomes small at yet another harangue? When he is afraid as you stomp up the stairs? When I have had to take him to one side and, once, out for a drive just to calm him down? When after you have had a go at me, how he comes across and gives me a spontaneous hug?
How does someone become so angry and so hurtful to those she can cause the most damage to?
Do you know that on those evenings you go out with your friends, we have the most lovely time? A bit of work, dinner, a game or two and then quiet reading. Unlike the stress that exists when you are around.
Our son – unlike me – is a bounce-backer and in that sense more like you. He will take your punishment and then be as cheerful as before but how long will he carry on like that?
Do you note the times he asks why you have to scold him all the time? When his shoulders slump and his face becomes small at yet another harangue? When he is afraid as you stomp up the stairs? When I have had to take him to one side and, once, out for a drive just to calm him down? When after you have had a go at me, how he comes across and gives me a spontaneous hug?
How does someone become so angry and so hurtful to those she can cause the most damage to?
How?
And in Entry 53, I wondered if, Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.
I have suggested to her that she needs to be careful Entry 149, 'so, not in front of our son, I state clearly that what I remember most about my mother was her temper and her shouting and that if that is what she wants to leave as a legacy then 'carry on what you are doing.' 'That's between you and your mother. And our son is different from you.'
She is right about the last point - I suspect he will fight back much more than I did!
Anyway, I go to bed and I am also on the verge of tears - such a harsh moment has not happened in quite a while. I worry about what I should do the next morning.
Previously, I might have been afraid, but this time I do the right thing. I iron his school clothes and ask him to get ready. I ask her whether she wants to make his lunch or should I? I expect a violent reaction from her and a continuation of the diatribe - I remain downstairs while they potter in the kitchen. She is clearly still upset but does not say anything - there is strained civility.
In the evening, I repeat to him that my mother also used to get angry and that , like mine, his mother can be unreasonable - so he should adjust a little, and I tell him that I have brought his mum's behaviour to her attention. He nods.
A week later now and the situation is back to peaceful and even.
In the past the drama would have carried on for days with wave upon wave of anger - not so this time; a minor blessing.
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