112: Toxicity

An article in Psychology Today about Toxicity. Toxicity presents itself in many forms; some of the worst expressions of it come from individuals who appear shiny and nice on the outside.

This can be an illusion—things aren’t always as they appear, and neither are people. The five faces of toxic relationships are common personality traits, but they can be hidden behind a successful and superficially kind person.

Whether it is cutting ties to a friendship, romantic partner, family member, or co-worker, most of us can relate to the feeling of drowning because of a toxic individual. Of course, there are many more than five faces of toxic relationships, but those described below are among the most common. These faces can overlap, and two or more may occur simultaneously. If you are in a relationship with a person who possesses any of these traits, it may be wise to spend time reflecting on how you really feel when you're around that individual.

1. The Critic

Have you ever been in a relationship in which you feel judged and criticized no matter what you do? Criticism is different than advice, and it is important to understand the difference. A critic can bring a lot of toxicity into a relationship. Critics may never call you insulting names, but they may constantly insult your beliefs, appearance, and thoughts, often because they have low self-esteem and want to be in control.

2. The Passive Aggressor

Passive-aggression is the passive expression of anger. Common examples include repeatedly keeping you waiting or making you late for an appointment. We all know people who are passive-aggressive. You never know what message such a person is trying to convey. You may feel that you are always walking on eggshells when you're around a passive-aggressive person. Denial of feelings, sarcasm, and backhanded compliments are sure ways to tell that someone is passive-aggressive. If a person cannot communicate in a straightforward manner, uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends mixed messages, or acts like nothing is wrong—regardless of exhibiting angry emotions—you might be dealing with a passive aggressor.

3. The Narcissist

The narcissist acts like he or she is God’s gift to the universe, knows everything, is the best at everything—and is not afraid to tell you so. (Add to this the need to judge all others against standards she would be hard pressed to meet herself.)

Narcissists have very thin skin that is easily pricked and easy to get under, which releases rage and hate because their self-esteem is marginal. Narcissists are willing to destroy everything and everyone around them when they feel hurt or rejected.

4. The Stonewaller

Stonewalling refers to the act of refusing communication to evade the issue. (This goes both ways – I prefer to knuckle down rather than confront.)

5. The Antisocial Personality

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), includes the traits of sociopathy (thought to result from social conditions such as childhood abuse, and characterized by explosive and sometimes violent behavior, but still presumed to possess the capacity for empathy and remorse) and psychopathy (feeling no remorse or empathy, taking advantage of others legally, and often involved in fraud or other white-collar crimes with varying motivations including greed and revenge).

(Explosive and angry / violent behaviour for sure – but rest may be over the top. But 4 out of 5 in the past over a long period of time ain’t bad!)