48: Sunday - shopping

So, the no-Christmas-present-crisis continues and so off we slop to Oxford Street - shoes and leather jacket the targets.

Have to be careful which shops to suggest - Debenhams, House of Fraser, Zara all too cheap.

John Lewis first. Only three walls with no 'sale' signs - clearly, we have to buy full price. Even though in previous years she has taken back to the shops the handbags I have bought her and made use of the reductions to buy more for less. Perfectly sensible in my book but clearly wrong if not her idea.

No shoes appropriate at JL and no leather jacket either.

Massimo Dutti for the jacket - reassuringly expensive. But even XL does not fit and she pulls a face as if it is my fault. Ironic that she constantly gets at me for having been fat when I was 5 through to about 12 but I have controlled things since then through sport. She was thin when young and somehow sees that as her achievement rather than her genes!

So Russel and Bromley - the branch that has no sale. £300 later, we have a boot. Same story with the jacket at Selfridges but at least we have a boot.

I do not get the logic of it all and I can only analyse through logic. Analysing through emotion would just be too difficult.

Instead of buying something that she did not want, I offer her the opportunity to choose what she wants herself - boots and clothes are very personal. This has created a crisis. I should have bought something - anything - so long as it was expensive and then she would have exchanged it - that would have been fine.

And the reason there is no point in analysing emotion is that I have tried to please her and support her for 15 years now. Her frequent unhappiness has affected me. I don't like it, I want to make it better, I take it as my fault. I seize on the moments of fun and forget what has gone before. But is it time to do what I have said often to  myself  that I should do? Cut off mentally?

What I suppose has prevented me is the thought that we will be married a long time and it is depressing to be feel myself be cold for that period - and if I am cold here, will I change elsewhere too? Can I be two-faced like her?

But if, for my sanity, and to protect our son, that is what I have to do? That is what I have to do.

47: A Typical Saturday

She sleeps in till 10.

I wake up with our son, spend some time with him, give him breakfast. I always create the New Year's card and so I do that. Go to the shops, cook lunch. Spend more time in the afternoon with him, get him showered and practice piano, do a couple of hours of ironing, prepare dinner. By this time she has done little else other than read a newspaper, berated him for lack of tidiness - when clothes and mess abound - and spent time on Facebook - doesn't even shower till just before dinner.

And it is not as if this is exceptional - as I have noted before, this is often the case. And I don't mind at all. What I do mind is  that still I feel that I can do no right.

I started a new assignment recently at work. The boss turned out to be an absolute bully and I have decided to walk away and the reason is very clear - it is his behaviour. That may sound precious but at least a dozen people have come over to sympathise and two of his senior leadership team have come around - one to thank me for being so 'brave' and another to say that he feels like a minion. As at home, I was afraid of what I would do wrong rather than have the environment in which to feel confident that I could shine.

But what I can do at work I cannot do at home. There is no possibility of walking away - only of surviving and protecting myself and our son.

46: A Common Story

I never doubted that mine was a common story but there was an article in a newspaper today which sounded eerily familiar:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/26/im-being-emotionally-abused-by-my-husband

But the gender is reversed.

Yes, indeed, She is very much regarded as charming and efficient and helpful in the outside world. One kid at our son's school said, 'X's mum is always smiling - even when no one is looking.' Trust me - that is not the mum and wife we see at home.

I wonder how a psychology works that nothing is too much trouble for others, ironing may never be done at home but is taken to the in-laws, the son and I are continually told to clear up and tidy up when the house remains a mess for the areas down to her - another suitcase has still not been unpacked from almost eight weeks ago.

Perhaps I should write to the columnist and suggest that it is not always just the husband who creates the stress and any help for the husband/partner would be very much appreciated!

45: How (not) to be an adult - in trouble again - Dec 14

So, here we go again.

It's Christmas. As money spent is what matters, I usually buy an expensive handbag. She then goes and exchanges it in the New Year when the sales are on. No problem on my side with that.

This year she specifically says that she has too many handbags and will go for a coat and boots instead. As they have to be expensive, I figure that choosing with her would be the sensible thing. Because of work and school, we don't get to the shops till Christmas Eve.

I suggest a couple of shops  - 'I'm not going there for a Christmas present - I go there all the time.' ;-)

So we walk around a number of shops, she can't choose anything and now we are in crisis because Santa Claus has not delivered anything in time.

In the meantime, she has spent a couple of hundred pounds of our money on clothes for me for Christmas and my birthday - clothes that I do not like and it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at a time when we have to be careful with money. And if presents are supposed to be for the receiver more than the giver, she knows I would prefer golf lessons or cable TV subscription rather than clothes - but, as ever, it is about her, her, her.

Just a few days ago I was hearing lots of 'I love yous' - is a material gift really the determinant?

The amount of support I give her, the amount of work I do at home, counts for nothing?!

Four foreign trips, Tiffany's diamond ring, Michael Kors handbag - count for nothing?

New house, bigger kitchen, tons of money spent to make it like she wants - counts for nothing?

This is a person incapable of being happy.

To cap it all, out mobile provider offered a couple of free cinema tickets. Initially our son said, yes, he would like to go. But Santa Claus delivered a couple of DVDs he really wanted to watch asap and so he said he would prefer to stay at home and watch that instead.

She says that he HAS to go and use the tickets and if he did not then he would not be allowed to watch the film that that we had targeted at the cinema ever again.

Sometimes I wonder who is the 42 year old and who is the 9 year old in our house.

44: Happy Birthday to me - Dec '14

So, it was my birthday. A Saturday.

I am informed that we can go to one of three restaurants - our son wants McDonalds but that is out of the question of course. I suggest a couple of good ones but only her choices will do. I pick one and say that we could go there for her upcoming birthday - 'no, it's too cheap.' But I pick one of her choices for a quiet life.

Come home after lunch and she goes to bed. I look after our son, prepare his dinner etc etc.. No problem of course given this is a week-end and I don't mind as it is just another day to me; how I am treated on a special day is immaterial given how I am treated like dirt the rest of the time.

Sunday I don't go to the gym: I know she will be late up as the afternoon siesta has meant that she has gone to bed very late. Usual day, usual work - great birthday week-end.

43: Seeing shadows - or are we on the edge

Things have been going fine since our return from an holiday abroad. Expensive handbag, diamond ring from a  well known shop, workmen in the house - all good. Thank God the house choice was her's or there would be so much and so many 'I told you so's.'

It's been mostly fun at home - a refreshing change. Usual commands and instructions barked but I say nothing about the bags that remain unpacked after four weeks - or, indeed, anything else.

But.....

She goes out for a girls' night on Friday evening. Comes back at 1:30 in the morning. Obviously nothing wrong with that but I only know the time because she stomps about in her boots for ten minutes on our wooden floors. I do mention it the next morning - but only in humour.

Saturday, I do the soccer run while she lies in. No problem.

This morning, I make time to go to the gym at 9 but am back by 11 am. Have set up the son with biscuits and milk expecting her to make breakfast. Nothing done by the time I return - has probably woken late.

Make brunch for us all, do three hours of ironing which has piled up.

She puts some clothes in the wash and brings our son to tears over some simple spelling homework.

I play soccer with him for an hour, she finally showers and goes to the shops.

I prepare dinner for our son, supervise his piano. She prepares our dinner to be fair.

I watch a particular TV show at 9 pm but as I am taking our son up to bed for a little reading, a quick hug and sleep, she says I have to clean the oven. Now.

42: So....

Today really was my last day with the team ... and I had to leave my own leaving drinks early so I would not get another drama at home!

“Sometimes ... it's better for a man just to walk away.

 But if you can't walk away?

 I guess that's when it's tough.”

Arthur Miller

41: Fuck it....

I knew things were going too well. It was at a point where I had cut down on my time at the gym, was even feeling whether I should even be doing; since the gym was part of an escape, now there was little to escape from except for little episodes.

Anyway...

Tomorrow is my last day with my old team and they have organised some drinks. They have paid for it and I've been looking forward to it for weeks. Last time I went out was in late September.

But the new team I will be joining was going out today and invited me. Considering it politic to go I asked whether it would be ok to go two nights in a row. She said yes.

Then, half way through the evening I get a phone call with some drama that I have to do this and that and have to come home. I am also told that I must be back by 7 tomorrow. And going out three nights in the week - one was at a  gym till 7:30 pm - was entirely unreasonable.

Firstly I can tell from the bloody toilet that periods have started. Secondly, as usual, she is stressed because she has left everything till the last minute. Our son's birthday is coming up and it comes - not surprisingly - at the same time every year. I had done my job in persuading him to do something easy and all she had to do was make one phone call and arrange it at a leisure centre. Now we are going away abroad for two weeks on holiday and she only gets around to doing it this week and has had to scurry round gathering invitations etc.. Washing I noted was on the washing machine, wet.

I did something I have rarely done and said that no wonder she was stressed given that she leaves everything till the last minute and doesn't start work till 6 pm. Yes, I had left a dinner plate on the table from last night which I had not moved this morning - my bad. By the way, I had only had some toast, so it was only a few crumbs at worst on the plate. It would have taken all of 10 seconds to move and, for all I care, she could have left it for me to move when I came back.

So here we are at 11:20 pm and I am having to let go of my frustrations here. But I am really procrastinating because I have to do the ironing for my son's school uniform while she has gone to sleep. I can see from the internet browsing history that a significant time has been spent browsing today but clearly it was a tiring day.

Fed up, fed up, fed up - but there is nothing I can do and no one I can turn to ..... except you, dear blog.

40: Oh boy, what a week that was.... and deeper thoughts

Well, today is Sunday and the week is ending relatively well with smiles and calm and laughter.

It started off horribly with anger and scoldings and incredibly poor behaviour on her part. 'Where does this happy and smiley M. disappear to? Where did she go earlier this week?' I asked. She did not take it badly. I suppose I am glad I did not confront her directly earlier in the week, letting the episode blow over instead. But I am conscious that I need to protect our son while acknowledging that she is the full time parent.

As it is impossible to change her, I had the opportunity to chat with our son who joined me when I had to go for a quick errand; perhaps he wanted to get out of the house as she was in one of her moods!!

'My mother always used to scold me - so don't mind it too much. Even if often it is unfair. I remember when your uncle was 19 or 20 and she had to reach up to slap him for not doing as well as he might have in his university exams!' 'Just be patient.'

But there will either be an alienation growing up or a feeling of being beaten up - not a happy choice.

There was this article in the newspaper the other day: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/30/letter-to-my-husband-who-may-be-about-to-leave

It resonated so much with me but she probably missed it and would not understand it anyway. Basically, it covers the realisation from a wife that she may  not have been entirely fair with her husband!

She was teasing me that she meets an ex-neighbour of our's every week now at some kids' activity. 'Aren't you worried that I may do something? After all, he is very handsome.' 'Be my guest,' I replied, 'we live only once and we should enjoy the time.' This was not calling her bluff in any way, I meant it but, of course she was not being serious herself. In many ways, though I cannot imagine it, I hope that she does find someone - someone who makes her happier than I appear to be able to.

It reminded me of an earlier quote in an earlier post:

I can recall a student of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, telling me a long, moving story about being 'awakened' emotionally, sexually and intellectually, when she fell in love with a friend of her husband.

What the adulterer usually wants is better relationships, conversation, support, attention, pleasure. Her question is: how can we get what we want while behaving well, which means, at least, not being ashamed of ourselves?

My student didn't wish for anything like 'total liberation' - a revolution, a new social set-up - just for a satisfying marriage. And it is worth noting about the classic heroines of literature, Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary, or even the characters in the David Lean's Brief Encounter, that they are not compulsive transgressors. They are asking for very little, and for everything, which, for them, is a fuller, more satisfying love. Complete happiness is a fiction,  but some happiness is possible; indeed, it is essential. There are some people you can 'realise' yourself in relation to, and they are worth searching out.

'When were your happiest/most content?' she asked me one day. I said when I was 17/18 and in the last two years of school. 'I was in a loving atmosphere, I was confident and calm.' 'I was surrounded by people who liked me and were kind and supportive.'

I told her about and read out to her a comment I had seen in response to an article on empty nesters:

A wife dead, a son at university. Left to chatter inanely on the Guardian website. When we are in a full flush of life we cannot imagine the barrenness of loneliness, could not put a face to the dreadful singularity. To think of those happy hours, overdrafts and family calamities, little local difficulties, the school run. It all seemed so onerous once and yet now what would I give for its return.

It is a terrible coincidence when double loss occurs in such a way and all companionship and the secret family dissipates. The house is silent save for the distant warbling of radio four. How you would long for an invitation to shopping or the delivery of the child to his friend's house. The loss of the familiar names and typical characterisations generated over years of closeness, intimacy. And those jobs you have to do, which you were told about but which remained unattended, they are now unattended forever.

You soon come to the loss of self, did I ever have an ego, I must have done. The inevitable is that life will never be the same. From the full flush of the main current you have been dropped like silt, abruptly, while life flushes on elsewhere. It was once that element of surprise, "When I was seventeen, says the child, "My father knew nothing. Now I am twenty-two I find it surprising how much he has learnt in such a short time". But even that knowledge is of little use for knowledge is nothing without employment and care and attentions moulders in self-pity. Perhaps there is a time for all of us when we should resign from life, when we are best to step aside, who knows. But the truth is that even the bad times were good. I see it all now, too late.

'That will be you when I am gone,' she said.

'No, it won't. I'll have loads of friends and loads of fun.'

'No you won't. I'll come back as a ghost and make your life a misery if you do have fun.'

Nuff said...

39: If only we realised

A beautiful and indelibly sad post from somone who must have been very brave. The full link to the article is below but the following extract (particularly para 4 below) struck me:

Charlotte has blogged on The Huffington Post UK since 2013 and sadly passed away on Tuesday 16 September from bowel cancer. She wrote one final post that she wished to share with all of her readers. We are honoured to offer it to you here.

As I write this, I am sat on the sofa, relatively pain-free and busy doing my little projects, sorting out the funeral and selling my car. We wake up every morning, grateful I can have a cuddle and kiss my babies.

As you read this, I will no longer be here. Rich will be trying to put one foot in front of the other, to get by, a day at a time, knowing I will no longer awake next to him. He will see me in the luxury of a dream, but in the harsh morning sun, the bed will be empty. He will get two cups from the cupboard, but realise there is only one coffee to make. Lucy will need someone to reach for her hairband box, but there won't be anyone to plait her hair. Danny will have lost one of his Lego policeman, but no one will know exactly which one it is or where to look. You will look for the latest update on the blog. There won't be one, this is the final chapter.

And so I leave a gaping, unjust, cruel and pointless hole, not just in Halliford Road, but in all the homes, thoughts and memories of other loved ones, friends and families. For that I am sorry. I would love to still be with you, laughing, eating my weird and latest miracle food, chatting rubbish 'Charleyisms'. I have so much life I still want to live, but know I won't have that. I want to be there for my friends as they move with their lives, see my children grow up and become old and grumpy with Rich. All these things are to be denied of me
.
But, they are not to be denied of you. So, in my absence, please, please, enjoy life. Take it by both hands, grab it, shake it and believe in every second of it. Adore your children. You have literally no idea how blessed you are to shout at them in the morning to hurry up and clean their teeth.
Embrace your loved one and if they cannot embrace you back, find someone who will. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in return. Don't settle for less. Find a job you enjoy, but don't become a slave to it. You will not have 'I wish I'd worked more' on your headstone. Dance, laugh and eat with your friends. True, honest, strong friendships are an utter blessing and a choice we get to make, rather than have to share a loyalty with because there happens to be link through blood. Choose wisely then treasure them with all the love you can muster. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Life has a lot of grey and sadness - look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/charlotte-kitley/bowel-cancer-charlotte-kitley_b_5836238.html

38: Contrast

Come home with a splitting headache.

Lie down for five minutes. No asking why, let alone sympathy. 

Suitcases from holiday still not unpacked - three weeks now. 

'There's some chicken in the fridge. You will have to boil up some vegetables for him. Bring in the washing, put in basket and take to the study.' Sink is also full.  Not exactly been busy given the cleaner has been around. 'I'm off to meet the girls.'

Going out is clearly not my problem - it is the lack of work. 

37: The One that Got Away

A newspaper published a series of articles by authors on 'The One that Got Away' and also invited submissions from readers. So, here was mine:

Let me call her P.. How would I describe her to you? Think Darryl Hannah then and Gwyneth Paltrow now. Turning left at the mini-roundabout at the front of the KM Sports Centre in the late nineties, on our way to R.’s house for an evening of watching Blake’s Seven, she turned to me and said, ‘I’m sort of going out with R..’ ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘great, is he sort of going out with you?!’ ‘Yes.’

Pardon the grandiosity but I remember feeling like Steve Martin in Roxanne as Darryl Hannah praises another. Now that my life has moved on to being Kevin Spacey and American Beauty, I wonder if P. was The One.

She and I shared a house for a while, as friends. P. was generous, kind, dedicated – lovely in every way; I was an idiot. A middle class, Asian background, from a liberal and professional family. But I had seen great uncles and uncles marry German and French and American with not hugely pleasant results – perhaps shared culture was important for a lifelong relationship?

Other middle-aged, mixed marriage couples only appeared to socialise with other such couples, a sort of sub-community that felt isolated and depressing. My head full of career, wanting to ‘go back’, desiring to be a corporate high-flier; also afraid of threatening a friendship by suggesting something more.

Would it have worked out if I had overcome my fear and discovered that she felt the same affection? Close to twenty years later, I know what to look for in a relationship – support, common purpose, a haven, friendship, the confidence of doing right rather than the continuous fear of doing wrong, someone to find comfort in rather than feel lonely with. But, in their twenties, few know this and fewer still achieve that contentment. If we had stayed in the Midlands, UK, would I have, in time, resented the lack of the international career I craved? Had we moved, would she have pined for the career she would be leaving behind?

P. and I lost touch for many years as I moved countries, got married, had children but then we met up again. We meet rarely but text often. I find huge support in her and she says I am a good friend to her. Were I single I would drop at her feet to make up for lost time - if she would have me. Would I send this to her as a letter – no, for fear of threatening a friendship I value deeply. If this is published, would I send her a link? No, but, strangely enough, I might well print out and proffer on meeting next time. As a tribute, as a thank you.

Please don’t be angry with me. I love you from the bottom of my heart, wish you nothing but the best and thank you for being in my life. That evening, as we turned left, I was braver (and more of a coward) than ever before and, P., you need to see Roxanne or Cyrano de Bergerac to understand that line. Xx

Annonymous

How I dream of a week or two away with one who gives me confidence that life is ok, content and something to appreciate. A Mediterranean town maybe, meandering down cobbled streets, pool, relaxing spa, a good book, gentle talk.


Just a bit of calm

Note from December 2019: Interesting how narratives change. In browsing through old posts, I came across this - Post 125. Though I remain in love with P., even if she did reciprocate, I wonder if I will have the energy to be in a relationship. Is it possible to be the most intimate of friends and yet live independent lives? I hope so but just friendship is the most valuable.  xx

Entry 36: The Classic Line – you could at least do something

This at the end of a week where she has not woken up once before 10 am, where she has been responsible for two meals only, I have cleared the dishwasher umpteen times, we have been out for dinner and the theatre, she has gone to a party on her own, I have looked after our son from clothes to meals to playing football for hours.

She has loaded and unloaded the washing machine. She has put the clothes out to dry. But when I began to take them upstairs from the sitting room, ‘don’t do that – you don’t know how to fold. I’m going to them in an order.’ They are still there three days later.

The reason for the line?

One chair had not been moved from one room to another. Fair enough – I forgot.

Once more she was stressed because she had spent all day basically doing nothing but had to get books and pencils ready for the start of the new term. And, of course, stuff that other people – like other mums – will see has been done immaculately. The role model of efficiency to all but those at home.

Tired and looking forward to next summer already. How do I make the change?

Entry 35: What I really mean!!

A very good friend of mine posted this on Facebook - http://m.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-communicate-differently-to-men

Makes sense but is wrong. Let me explain. 

So, this top arrives and she considers wearing it for the party. It's a nice top. My initial - internal - thought is that she has finally woken up and bought something appropriate to her shape; a little loose. 

All I say is that it looks good. 

'Can't believe you did not say it was too big.'

This from a woman who does absolutely nothing to lose weight or improve her shape. 

Damn - still don't have that mind reading skill. 😟

Entry 34: a week back

They have been back a week and mostly it has gone well - though I am very tired!!

The day after arrival I had booked a local pub lunch for 1 pm - intending to set off at 12:30. Of course, we did not leave till 12:50. When she had had nothing to do other than get ready. 

I have taken the week off and so it has continued through the week. The house is a mess again, procrastination everywhere. I have done 95% or more of cooking, looking after our son, cooking for her cousin who came to visit, she has not woken up before 10 any morning - 11 yesterday - but the drama is all her's and the instructions are never ending. 

Going out for a party tonight and - jokingly - I mentioned that she would not be allowed to go unless the front hall was  cleared of her suitcases. They are still there!!

It is the double standards that get me. Had I or our son been tasked with something, we would not hear the end of it until done. 

I go back to my supposition that routine work bores her. But finding and booking cheap tickets for our holiday, getting points for an hotel booking, ordering a dress for a party - all done. 

I was going to the gym anyway but now I know (or rather, remember) why it is necessary to do so - just to get away from the constant instructions and being treated like an incompetent. 

Entry 33: The Return

The usual 'away during the summer' is coming to an end. Things have been ok on the phone but with the occasional spark which I have combatted.

Been a reasonable summer for me. With friends and time at the gym. But I have also spent a lot of time alone and I cannot work out whether I have enjoyed those periods. Possibly I have struggled as I am no longer used to being alone. But ....

Robin Williams died recently - well, took his own life - and one of his quotes apparently was, 'I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.' How true those words are. Self-pitying, yes, but how I long to just let go, to melt into another, to be unconditional. 

The day after they get back is a landmark anniversary. I had thought we might not go out as it was just the day after but I am on holiday next week and so we could pick a day and go out then. I only mentioned that we could go somewhere local and immediately she got riled. But, the new me, decided to lay out my position and suddenly on mention of theatre, a diamond and fancy dinner, I am in good books again!!

I'm generally regarded as grumpy at work and indeed at home but the 'wrong things' frankly annoy me. I cannot accept unreasonable behaviour and it affects me adversely. Amongst my friends, however, quality people all, I believe I am different. The conclusion I have come to is that I tend to reflect my surroundings - I cannot bend the surroundings to my will. Some can through sheer confidence; I lack the energy. 

In every thing I do, I do try to do the right thing as I see it but 'right' is subjective and not rational. 

Take this landmark anniversary or indeed any occasion. I am perfectly ok whether I receive a present or not. For her, spend has a good correlation with happiness and reward. We are all healthy when all around us people and things are falling apart. We can afford a great house, we lack for nothing, we have an amazing son. And, yet, that is not enough. Yes I can be grumpy in certain circumstances but I believe I have the ability to be content and grateful - I am not sure she does. 

But, in a way I suppose that is unfair. I suppose I crave emotional rewards. Do my friends still like me? Does my child love me? Am I a good enough friend/dad? (The lack of 'husband' - well I have tried but been taken for granted for too long and treated with disdain while with from the other two I have received unconditional love.) With friends and son I am continually searching for positive reinforcement. With wife, I am happy enough not to receive negative feedback!!

Lol

32: A Good Phase

'Radio silence' - I suppose - means all is calm and silent.

And, indeed, things are ok. At least from her side. We have been for a two week holiday in February, another long week-end at Easter - both abroad. We have sold our house and are about to move to a bigger one - something I am excited about as well.

The irritations on my side continue - it is just that I care less about them. The late or non-existent time management, the constant instructions, the focus on minutae.

Some weeks ago she was going out and I, of course, was happy to come home. She had been in all day but the kitchen was an utter mess, nothing had been cooked, the dishwasher uncleared, homework not done. I steadily worked my way through all of that without complaint. The sink is always a mess, clothes cover every surface but I try my best to keep calm. The lack of work does not stop her criticising others but, again, I am used to it.

Things have remained calm because I still have time to myself, retort occassionally and her mood is generally ok.

Steady as she goes?