Been a reasonable summer for me. With friends and time at the gym. But I have also spent a lot of time alone and I cannot work out whether I have enjoyed those periods. Possibly I have struggled as I am no longer used to being alone. But ....
Robin Williams died recently - well, took his own life - and one of his quotes apparently was, 'I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.' How true those words are. Self-pitying, yes, but how I long to just let go, to melt into another, to be unconditional.
The day after they get back is a landmark anniversary. I had thought we might not go out as it was just the day after but I am on holiday next week and so we could pick a day and go out then. I only mentioned that we could go somewhere local and immediately she got riled. But, the new me, decided to lay out my position and suddenly on mention of theatre, a diamond and fancy dinner, I am in good books again!!
I'm generally regarded as grumpy at work and indeed at home but the 'wrong things' frankly annoy me. I cannot accept unreasonable behaviour and it affects me adversely. Amongst my friends, however, quality people all, I believe I am different. The conclusion I have come to is that I tend to reflect my surroundings - I cannot bend the surroundings to my will. Some can through sheer confidence; I lack the energy.
In every thing I do, I do try to do the right thing as I see it but 'right' is subjective and not rational.
Take this landmark anniversary or indeed any occasion. I am perfectly ok whether I receive a present or not. For her, spend has a good correlation with happiness and reward. We are all healthy when all around us people and things are falling apart. We can afford a great house, we lack for nothing, we have an amazing son. And, yet, that is not enough. Yes I can be grumpy in certain circumstances but I believe I have the ability to be content and grateful - I am not sure she does.
But, in a way I suppose that is unfair. I suppose I crave emotional rewards. Do my friends still like me? Does my child love me? Am I a good enough friend/dad? (The lack of 'husband' - well I have tried but been taken for granted for too long and treated with disdain while with from the other two I have received unconditional love.) With friends and son I am continually searching for positive reinforcement. With wife, I am happy enough not to receive negative feedback!!
Lol
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