213: The next time, what I will say

 My current assignment as a contractor is drawing to a close and it has been a difficult gig - I have not been that happy.

But I was on the phone with a friend who is also on this project and she is also not happy. So there was a bit of counselling going on and some complementary whingeing.

My wife was in the room.

'So what will you do?'

'I have a few days per week which will see me through the summer and then will look again from August.'

'You should do a permanent job. Constantly complaining about others. If you were so good, why are you in this situation.'

I kept silent but this is what I mean when I say I know what I will say the next time she makes a statement such as this. And it happens relatively often: Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

'Listen, M., I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a failure. And that the only thing I am half good at is driving. You do not need to say it again.'

We go downstairs and, to make conversation, I say that our cleaner was stressed because 40 family members came down for her infant daughter's birthday and she had to do all the work.

'What's wrong with that. Like my mother used to cope with lots and lots of friends all the time. Shows love and friendship rather than being isolated.' She did not go on to say, 'like your family', though she was thinking it for sure.

Something of an irony this - on two counts. First, I was very glad that for the years 2 - 6 of our marriage my brother was in Italy, we were in India and then France and my parents bounced between the UK and India. When we were in the same country for that first year, I was always on tenterhooks when we met as a family because she would have hang-ups about most / all of them and find a reason to be angry.

Second, because I have driven dinner invites for neighbours or friends over the years far more than her.

Lack of usefulness or value is one thing but if I am accused of being a poor conversationalist, is it any wonder? If there is always some value judgement or an accusation at the end of any proferred thought: Confidant: 71: What I really think but cannot say (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 'You say I do not share things about my friends. I mention that I had only just found out that one of my friends and his wife had lost a baby within five days of her being born some ten years ago. After a little while, your reaction, ‘That’s why the wife is a little weird…’ Why shoud I if all you can do is insult?

'You are in clover if you can judge people and you are proud of that – apparently that comes from your ‘life experience’, whereas I just go overboard in liking things and people, even such as a cricket hero of mine.'

212: As usual .... and a meeting

This fellow J. and I have worked together off and on for about 15 years. We also worked with C. and with B.

B. was the one I was accused by my wife of having an affair with - not true. Confidant: 62: Is this a balanced person? (dear-confidant.blogspot.com).

So J. invites C. and me - along with wives - to Sunday lunch. He also invites B.

My wife had not met B. before and has not mentioned her since coming back home - today is Monday.

And, of course, as usual, we set off 20 minutes late for J.'s house - this does not happen if we are going to one her friends' houses. Her parents routinely used to turn up to invitations an hour late at least - Confidant: 202: Happy New Year (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) (para. 5); so twenty minutes is an improvement I suppose.

Anyway ....

211: Resonances in the public sphere

 As I've noted before, there are very few things new in life. There are resonances in the public sphere - Confidant: 147: Interesting thoughts on a Common Theme – even Dr Who has doubts!! (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

My issues are uniquely mine but I am one of 8 billion people and (i) nobody cares and (ii) hundreds of millions are working through the same things and have done so through eternity.

Does not lessen my issues or disrespect them but perhaps there are lessons.

This was an interesting article about an artist called Miranda July who changed direction dramatically at about 50.

‘I was in a kind of ecstatic freefall’: artist Miranda July on writing the book that could change your life | Miranda July | The Guardian

This is a book about menopause and change but this passage resonated: 'Talking to these older women, she started to consider time in a new way. As a young person she’d thought ahead to the family she might have, the fantasy, maybe, of being a star. Now at 50, “When I look ahead the same number of years, then it’s death at the end. You start setting your goals.” To my polite open mouth she says, gently, “I’m giving you the sense of the headspace that I was in when I was writing, which was, ‘Who do I want to be as a dying person?’” Here is, maybe, the hidden, spiritual element of the book. “So much of what you thought was you was maybe really other people. That starts to become more clear. And the weird part is,” she chuckles earnestly, “there can be discomfort, but I think there’s a kind of psychedelic joy to it, too.” And this is what the novel, All Fours, revealed itself to be about.'

She moved out of the family home into a studio and separated - amicably - from her husband. To give herself the space.

And then there was this: I’ve joined the sisterhood of divorced women. We’re happier set free | Divorce | The Guardian by Tove Danovich

This passage resonated particularly: 'At one point during our separation, my now former spouse told me that I was acting selfishly. He meant it as an insult; it made me feel like I was doing the right thing. After my marriage ended, I found myself newly focused on prioritizing things that really mattered to me: making space for friends, creativity, and simple things that brought me joy like taking long walks outside, or playing music early in the morning when he’d been asleep.

'For years, I had put him ahead of myself – I didn’t let myself get upset about things I knew he wouldn’t change. I didn’t consider travel, which would keep me away from home for too long, even when I wanted to go, and I didn’t even let myself consider whether I wanted children since I knew my husband did not. For me, marriage was like getting on to a long highway and forgetting that other roads existed. Once I considered leaving, all I saw were the off-ramps and detours I could have taken along the way.'

For me, this was a highway I wanted - my life was fine and I wanted to / was ready to share. I did not realise I would become a servant, and an incompetent one at that!!! Confidant: 210: All the work and all the pain (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) and Confidant: 208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - 

The article reminded of the advice from an agony aunt I wrote to: 'Hi there A., You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt. "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?" In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

May I have the courage.

210: All the work and all the pain

 Today was the sort of day I remember too well - Confidant: 47: A Typical Saturday (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Minutiae I know but that is what makes up the tapestry of life, non?!

 We wake up and go to home | parkrun UK.

Over the years it is my lead she has followed in getting some regular exercise - previously there would be nothing.

We come back home about 11 am.

I then cut the grass till about 2:30 pm - we have a big garden!! - with a short break for lunch - which is a couple of fried frankfurters that, admittedly, she makes.

At lunch I say that I might go and watch some of my former cricket team play after I finish the garden. 'Come back and then we can go shopping.' Why I have to follow behind her while she does the shopping I have no fucking clue - this is a new thing!

I suggest a pork roast for dinner and I calculate that if we want dinner at about 7:30 pm we don't really have time for a big shop as the roast takes time. So, I suggest we go to the big shop tomorrow. I'll just get stuff for the dinner.

'You don't buy the right things. I will give you a list.'

'Never mind,' I say. 'I won't go to the cricket, tell me when you are ready and we can go to the shops.'

Ten minutes later. 'I don't have time to go to the shops right now as I am waiting for a call. You have to go and here is the list.'

Of course, being in one of her moods, when I come back, the mushrooms are bad, the ham is the wrong sort, as is the bread.

I start to cook. 'Not like that.' - so she starts interfering and, therefore, delaying.

I have brought two big and one medium potatoes to make mash. I start with peeling two as that will be enough. 'Peel and boil all three - that's the only thing I have to eat.' There are also carrots and broccoli - though she does not eat broccoli. Of course, there is mash left-over at the end.

Cook the dinner, prepare the table, call her and my son. 'I will do the clearing up,' she declares. And then goes and sits on the fucking computer to get some information for a family friend.

While I leave the dishes in the sink - I am not competent to fill the dishwasher - I clear up the rest of the kitchen and put the leftovers away.

It is now 9:30 pm. The sink is still to be done and then she will get to putting clothes in the wash. All day she has done precisely zero value add while sitting in front of the laptop doing fuck knows what - but, no doubt, will feel she has worked hard as she has left everything for the end of the day.

Do all the work, obviously get nothing right and get all the pain.

Remember ... do not forget. This is why you have to leave. Because Confidant: 207: "water is not dry” (dear-confidant.blogspot.com) - people are who they are.

209: A bit of fun - Extras / Supporting Artists

 A long time ago - through my wife's connections - she and I were extras in a French film. 2002 or thereabouts.

Just to bring some variety into my life now and then, I have applied to various agencies in London - and have done a couple of shoots!!!

Blanket searching over-50s modelling as well - why not?

208: 'You're good at driving' and 'Just because it didn't work out for you' - know where I stand

So I've started to look at some street-casting work - extras in films and tv or some advertisements.

It is very modestly paid but adds a bit of variety to my daily life!

'If it paid well,' I said, 'that is what I would do. Corporate life is not motivating me.'

'Of course work can be exciting,' she responded, 'Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it can't be fun.'

This did hurt me a little, I have to admit. For sure, I haven't 'made it' and it is a level of rationalisation on my part to say that at least some of that is due to my wanting to play a large part in the home and be a 'present' father.

But, in gross terms, salary in the high £80ks since 2006, rising to six figures since early 2010s, nice house, private school, holidays, her choosing not to work till the last couple of years - plus a full part in the house, close to my son, home every day.

Then, in some context, we were talking about driving, and she says, 'that is one thing you are good at - driving.'

No need to dispute any of that and perhaps not meant in any nasty fashion - unlike 'aren't you ashamed of not having had a pay rise for five years.' Confidant: 61: Huge row - getting worse (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

Too tired. It is what it is and life has happened. Whether I was lazy or whether I have been lucky enough actually to lead the balanced life I could have wished for, I don't know and who cares?

But a failure overall and only ability is as a good driver - I know where I stand!

Bon ....

207: "water is not dry”

 A very interesting article: The secret to good relationships? Accept family and friends for who they really are | Life and style | The Guardian

The writer writes that, 'It can be painful to discover people are not who we want them to be. But once this is grasped, we can form much more meaningful bonds'.

'Because, if you have not yet acknowledged this fact, you might unconsciously be labouring under the assumption that, if you just try hard enough, you can make water whatever consistency you like. You might be exhausting yourself to the point of ill health to get through a impossibly long to-do list at work. You might be diligently trying to please a parent in order to receive love from them that they do not have the capacity to give. You might be seeking to turn or nudge your partner into being more ambitious, whether through subtle manipulation, bribery or domination.'

'It is only when we understand the fundamental differences between us that we are able to meet each other as separate individuals with our own thoughts, feelings and character. That is essential to forming meaningful relationships with respect and dignity at their core, rather than control.'

'It may sound defeatist to say the world is the way it is, but in truth it is a liberation. Because acknowledging the reality in front of you does not necessarily mean tolerating it; it means seeing it clearly and responding in freedom.

'If you are able to recognise and then relinquish the desire to shape your water/universe/job/love interest to fit a precise hole in the jigsaw puzzle of your mind, you are then free to make your own choices (once the wailing has run its course). In turn, your love interests – and my husband – are free to grow and develop in their own way, rather than into our dolls.'

'You can say to yourself: I have an impossible job that I cannot do well in the time I’m paid to do it and my manager won’t listen, so I will try to get another job, or I will choose to devote more of my time to my work than I am paid to do. You can decide: my partner is the way he is, so I’m going to leave him. Or you might decide: my partner is the way she is, so I will see what love can grow around and through these difficulties and differences. You can choose whether you prefer to have a wet toy car, or a dry one that you can play with before and after a bath. You can choose to build a better life – one that is not stuck and stagnant because you are pouring all your energy into pretending to yourself that you live in a reality you prefer, rather than the one you are living in.'

In my case, it is not that I have tried to 'shape' her - it is complementary skills that make a team. However, there is, perhaps, just a mismatch. For many years I kept changing my side of the equation to match her's - and she might say the same in converse. I have not succeeded - and I will not without turning into a vegetable.

It is not easy, of course, to 'be free to make your won choices.'

This, though, also reminds me of a letter I wrote to an agony aunt - Confidant: 195: Writing to an agony aunt (dear-confidant.blogspot.com)

And her advice, 'Hi there A., 

 You have a choice, it seems, between resentment or guilt

 "How do I get past the guilt and sense of duty? What is the thought process I can cultivate?"

 In that situation, choose guilt every time.'

Captain of my ship. master of my fate? We'll see.