169: My Mother

 So, as I wrote in Entry 166, my mother passed away in October 2020. I argued then that, because of the atmosphere at home, I did not really have the mood to write about this at the time. But I note that it took me a few months to get around to writing about my father as well.

Why is this? Guilt, because I was undoubtedly stand-offish and not very nice to both towards the end of their lives? Taking time to 'process'? I don't know.

I never saw us as a particularly close family. The word 'love' hardly ever passed between us - and I am talking about me here, not my brother and his relationship with our parents.

It was in 2012 or so I think, when I played a part in helping my uncle and cousin reconcile over some fairly serious issues that were threatening to tear them apart, that ma wrote, 'I also feel very proud that you are my son  - who has the compassion and understanding that everybody should have but they don't. Lots of love, Ma.' That was probably the only time that that word was shared. With both my parents I had a convivial relationship and I probably listened too much to what they had to say - making life choices that, in retrospect, I should not have. (which is not to say that alternative choices would not, in turn, have made me think that I should have listened more!!)

Through all my troubles, not once did they speak to me, once I had shared with them - and I only shared because my wife had written to my cousins behind my back about how horrible I was. My mother did share a letter I think - which I threw away - that basically said, 'you have to carry on, just like I did.'

And that did not work out wonderfully well for her really. Ma completed an autobiography before she passed away and there is significant ill-feeling against her husband and her mother about choices imposed. In my case, 'imposed' would be too strong a word but, for sure, there was a level of certainty and a set of fixed ideas that did not move over half a century - there was very little grey. And I wish I had been invited to share some of the grey, to consider some of the pros and cons of situations - whether university, work, marriage etc.. 

I 'own' every choice and every door that I went through but the relationship between my parents and me was 'transactional'. In the early years I was influenced by them but never looked to them for advice or have them act as confidants. They were dutiful parents who provided wonderfully well for their children and others, and I believe I was a dutiful son in return.

So, do I miss them? To have a conversation now and then - yes, I miss them. Just to have them around - yes, I miss them. Simply to have them healthy and happy - yes, I miss them. But this is not the great love affair that other kids seem to have with their parents - and I am sorry for that. In the end, perhaps, I miss the 'essence' of them and the 'idea' of them more than feel an emotional or physical loss. Nevertheless, I will be forever grateful for what they did and what they were and the benefits that I have accrued.

Rest in Peace.

168: Confrontation 3

 Haven't written for a while - been quite depressed. Like everyone else I suppose.

The dog-days of January have not helped - still in lock-down, terrible weather, uncertainty on work contracts. 

So, while our son fell below his usual high standards at the end of the winter term, he received good reports in the front half of the spring term. 'If your child were to get G in all subjects, we would be delighted', was the school's marking scheme - and he did.

But two weeks running, a few weeks ago, there was some reason for Her to get angry and go on and on and on at our son. This time I lost my temper. 'How is it that every weekend we have to put up with this tension? Why do you think shouting at him will make him do as you want?' 

I was expecting some comeback, but there wasn't any. I don't kid myself that she saw reason in some way or that, because I do not lose it often, that she had some second thoughts. No, it was just one of those things and I am sure resentment and anger is boiling up somewhere.

Our son is not perfect - he could be a little less stubborn and selfish but he is 15 - and, certainly, shouting at him is not a solution to anything.

167: Words to heed?

Completely different topic of an agony column - a woman not being able to choose between two men - but some apposite words?

'For most women the next opportunity for seismic self-scrutiny and reinvention doesn’t come until we are in our 50s when re-adjustments are often necessary for stage two of life’s evolutionary journey. The best way I’ve found to make such choices is to start with a clean slate and slowly build up the picture. Developing your destiny mustn’t be mitigated by fear of upsetting other people. Learning to be true to yourself and employing honesty and kindness towards others is the way to avoid the fear of causing hurt or guilt. Sadly, relationships are not beautifully balanced creations and therefore causing inadvertent pain when making choices is unavoidable.

'I may have laboured the point a bit here, but I really want you to stop and think about yourself, not spend these precious days erroneously believing the key to your own happiness is choosing which of these men best delivers it. The key to contentment, as I hope I’ve made clear, lies within. Free yourself to make choices and you might be surprised by the person who reveals herself.'

166: Confrontation 2

Been going on a few weeks now. In mid-October my mother passed away - but that's for another entry. It was the 15th of October - a Thursday.

That weekend my wife decided to 'confront' my son about some work that he was doing, in the way he was doing it and the amount of time he was spending on the PS4. And he does spend too much time on that and his work is a bit loose right now but the terms of the confrontation were harsh. And over the next two days, she basically picked fights for little or no reason with him.

These happen too often - Entry 157 - Partial Return to the Bad Old Days and I have warned her about her behaviour multiple times and what our son will remember - Entry 149 - Tale of Weekends.

Noise and stress irk me. I tell my son that my mother was often unfairly strict with me and that he will just have to suck it up - though I do speak to his mother now and again. 

But she has told me that confrontation is good, and just because I do not like it, does not mean she will not carry on.

Combined with the situation where my mother died, the fights put me on edge and rather depressed. And, I have to admit, lacking in patience to deal with her attitude.

The other day she comes home from work and asks me a question about the bins in that accusatory tone of hers. I snap back with an ill-tempered 'yeeeesss' - to which her response is that she had just asked a question and I did not have to answer in that fashion. And, yes, I should not have. But I am struggling. And even if I do not snap very often, I suspect I am being grumpy and uncommunicative.

We drive somewhere and come back and there's some arrangement in the boot / trunk of my car that she has a hang-up on? I haven't done anything about it because it affects no one. 'It's because you never want to do anything in the right way!' she says. 'I do everything in the right way.'

I find myself increasingly being snappy. The situation has not changed. I cannot divorce and leave because our son is 15 and it would be a huge disturbance in his life. With the inheritance from my parents I could probably afford an apartment now but I cannot leave him in her care and I don't know the chances of my being prime carer. And, anyway, it would be a seismic move that I don't have the energy or resources for right now.

I had thought that her working after so many years would have lessened the tension and stress when she walks in through the door - but the opposite has been the case. 

I feel a confrontation coming. Despite this blog, I am way past the point where I look to appoint blame. I am an ok person but clearly not for her. I have been lucky in that she has not had to do anything for me - I have not had a travelling job or unreasonable hours or family commitments which often imply sacrifice from the spouse. It has been her choices all along the way - so I have no guilt other than the fact that it will be a rather harsh thing to do. And I know that comes across as patronising and perhaps I do come across as implying that she could not cope - she has stated as much to me, that I have been helpful over the years in being a supportive husband because I underestimate her ability! (which I do not and never have done.) She is not as special as she thinks she is but, then, none of us is.

Anyway, if I am bad for her by being someone who never does anything right, is grumpy and also patronising, then why stay?

Postscript (10 December)

So, our son is having to self-isolate right now because of Covid and does not have to wake up much before 8 am - rather than the usual 7 am. She, though, still has to go out to work and leave the house at 7:20 am or so.

During the week I sleep in the guest room and suddenly I hear this huge noise at 7 am - she has her door wide open and is drying her hair. Not a big thing but it would have disturbed our son sleeping in the next room. She could have at least kept her bedroom door shut? It is just this casual selfishness. Years ago, in Spain, in a hotel, our son, about 7 years old, was not feeling very well and wanted to sleep. She, though, kept the TV on and watched loudly - didn't understand it then, don't understand it now.

And, for someone who prides herself on organisation and doing everything right, forget the washing all over the house right now (I am not allowed to do this as I am not competent enough), she has been taking her cereal in a bowl in the car to work! Very eclectic / charming no doubt but really?

165: Confrontation 1

My son - now 15 - is a pretty good student. So far, he has done very well in his studies. There has been always been a tendency to rely on his natural brightness and all his teachers have recently started saying that there can be a little looseness and rush about his work. That is something I recognise and I have said to him that as a lack of understanding is not his issue, what can be corrected - effort - is entirely under his control. So, today, a Saturday, he studied for about an hour and a half in the morning, but was going to go back to his PS4 after just 10 minutes in the afternoon. I stopped that and I felt bad doing it because I do not like confrontation.

Was I right in being tough? And I am not very often. But he has done perfectly well over the years working in his own style. I do not check his work on the basis that he has to be grown up about it. I have said to him a number of times that 'work gives us the right to play' and that if he does well, he would be doing it for himself and not for me / us - and that effort is the only thing I ask for. Now, if he ends up doing really well with minimal effort - as some people do - so be it, but that is a risk and it would be a pity to waste his undoubted talent because he has an intuitive understanding of some of his subjects allied to good memory.

At work when I have led teams, and at home over the years, all I have looked for and asked for and tried to deliver myself is a level of reasonableness. I do not expect others to do what I do not but I try not to impose and give those around me the ability to be their own selves and use their own styles. So, I have to be careful in this case also not to pressurise but have to trust myself that a little guidance will not go amiss.

164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!)

 I wrote - sometime back in 2019 - about how I found some old papers and some old love letters - Entry 141: The Day the Music Died. These showed how the issues that have mushroomed over the years were always there.

Going through some other boxes, I found the Valentine's Letter 2000 that I referred to in the Entry 141.

I go on for two A4 pages about how much I love her - I was coming back from a trip and wrote this in an airport lounge. 'I love you so much and have missed you so dearly on this last trip. I don't think I have loved you more than I do just now when we are apart. I cannot wait to see you again in a few hours' time, to hold you, to talk with you, to be silly with you.' 

(since our marriage - a few months earlier) 'it is impossible to imagine life without you as a friend and lover. One of my dreams having been fulfilled - ie finding you - I have one great aim left. And that is to be the man that I want to be inside. For now I am too petty, too inhibited, too constrained by complexes, too much of a bluffer. But, with your strength, even that is possible.'

And then I go on:

'Am I allowed to criticize? Just as I hope you will work on me so I hope you will allow me to work on you. [Remember, this was written 20 years ago - in much younger days.] All I would ask is that you be a little more forgiving of others and live by looser rules than you do. You have often berated me for what I believe are, ultimately, some of my strong points - and I've been similarly criticised in the past by my family; I was hoping to get a more sympathetic hearing from you! Yes, I am willing to ring when others have not rung me. Yes, I am willing to overlook slights. Yes, I am willing to go out of my way. As a result I have a strong set of friends and a family which thinks reasonably of me. None of us is perfect but we do think ourselves to be, then we judge others, find that they are not and that's when the trouble starts.

'Life is good. I can confidently say that, amongst my family and my friends and your family and friends, there is not one person who would wish us anything other than the best - let's enjoy that. Let's have an easy life.'

Unhappiness and control - a toxic mixture - how did I have the energy to survive so long and I am angry that my vulnerability has been quite so abused. For the sake of our son, I stay.

163: Someone finds me attractive (!)

 I have thought long and hard before putting this up - but, as this is a picture of my life, I decided to do so in the end.

Someone - a woman - I have known for a very long time, and we keep in touch anyway, said that she 'needed' to speak to me.

We had a conversation but I did not feel that we had addressed the issue she needed to discuss.

Another conversation - another unsatisfactory conclusion.

Ultimately she wrote to say that for some while now she had been physically attracted to me and, despite the dangers of sharing this, she wanted to let me know. 'Fuck it, you need to know.'

This, for me, was an unique situation - never happened to me. I have always considered myself to be short, fat and ugly and have never considered that anyone could be attracted to me physically. I am a nice enough guy and try to look after myself, but this was different.

I was able to share back - genuinely - that in our younger days I had had something of a crush on her myself!! And I thanked her for sharing and for saying something to me that meant so much to me.

We now talk more regularly. She is married happily and even though that is not the case for me, even when I split, a long-term relationship would be the last thing I would be looking for - to place an ounce of my 'happiness' into someone else's hand and to be even minutely, formally accountable for someone else's is now beyond me.

But, lovely of her to say what she did and lovelier still to make that connection as the feeling was mutual.