53: Progress report on not giving a fuck

(We are not by the way, since about mid-October! :-))

Come home this evening - a Friday - and walk in at about 7 pm.

They are both at the dinner table in the kitchen - no sign of any food anywhere. 

'You'll have to do the chicken for us, and his meal.'

No problem, do all that by 7:30, we have our meal, clean up, give our son a cuddle and come downstairs again at 9:30 pm.

Only now has she brought the clothes out of the washing machine - having basically, clearly, not done anything for the whole day as the mess that has been the house all week remains a mess.

Anyway, help further and at 10 pm settle down to watch some sport on the laptop.

'I need that for a bit to check the bank account.'

She could not have done that all day? She has to to do that just at the point where I have sat down for the first time in the day to relax? My day having started with waking up my son and making Madam a coffee at 7 am.

Is this deliberate or just a casual selfishness/callousness. Would like to think it is just a nature thing rather than deliberate.

But, I stay calm, do my jobs, do not react in any way.

So....

After our bust up, things are not back to normal but we are living civilly if not as friends or partners. Strained to be honest. But I am not giving in and I am caring marginally less.

The other morning - a Sunday - our son did his piano practice with me in the room. She then strutted in and shouted, 'You haven't done this and that and that and that.' He kept saying he had but she was vicious in her condemnation. So he burst out crying and said to me, 'she always does this, I play something and she says I have not.'

Previously I may have asked him to play again. But, this time, I asked whether he truly, truly had. He said 'yes' and so I continued to cuddle him. The look she gave me could only be described, again, as vicious. Another evening I heard him say, 'will you please stop scolding me constantly?'

Unlike me in my youth, I suspect he  will fight back and so she is well on the way to creating a difficult relationship.

'You clearly haven't shampooed properly - this bit is dry.' 'I have.' 'Don't lie, no you haven't.' At which point I walk into the room and show her a photograph of a head full of shampoo - which I had taken as a precaution as she would not believe him. If you're not going to be believed at any point then, soon, you will start to get away with things. I have told him that I trust him and will believe him - but he must not abuse that trust by not - for example - brushing his teeth. He does things faithfully if only he is allowed to do things and not under an assumption that he has gamed/cheated - something he will start doing and she just will not know!!

The usual hypocrisies continue. The bed gets made only on the mornings that the cleaner is coming. We have new cupboards now, including a shoe cupboard, but the shoes have been lying all over the floor for two weeks now. Taking ironing to my parents to do ironing there when she never irons at home.

Another Sunday the plan was for me to come back from the gym and we would go out for lunch and shopping - coming back in time for me to take our son cycling.

I came back at 10:45 am and she had only just woken up. 'Clearly, we won't be able to make it back for cycling now.'

'No, of course we can, we just need to leave by 1200. I'll get him ready.'

Takes her time, no attempt at hurrying and we finally leave at 1 pm.

He wants McDonalds and because of time she herself suggests McDonalds for us as well - though I know she will think herself as some sort of victim. 'Are you enjoying the Sunday lunch? Supposed to be the best meal of the week?' she asks sarcastically of our son.

He, of course, does not get the sarcasm and continues munching away! I keep quiet - if she had got her arse in gear we might have had time to go to a proper restaurant. 

Previously I would have felt guilty or apprehensive about her feelings - but none of that now. If she snores, I move to the other room. I state what I am thinking and - while always behaving reasonably - do not try to second guess her reaction. If she asks what is clearly a loaded question, I respond at face value.

How long can this last before a big blow up? Don't know but I simply do not have the desire to be what I was. I will go soft, treat her as I would someone I have affection for  and then be kicked in the teeth. Do not want to go there again.

But am calm, am clear.