56: A Lot Has Happened

A lot has happened in the last few months – a lot of traumatic conversations. Are things better? No.

Some of the history I will recapitulate in subsequent updates – this one here is for more recent incidents.

But let me start with something good.

The other day I was lying down next to our son when he woke up. And he gave me the smile that he used to give when he was little – one of recognition and affection. He reminded me of why I keep going.

Right now, with constraints on pay, my wage has not increased for quite a few years. Our expenses, however, have grown – not least because we moved to a new house when we had actually paid off the mortgage on the old one. Until we can move to a new deal – hopefully next year – I have suggested that we need to be a little careful about money. For the first time ever.

Mostly, I have asked her to be careful about our credit card bill which, when she is around, averages at about £1400 per month. When I am on my own, it is about £200 per month. August was low as she was away and, for my mistake, I said that half of that was the very expensive meal we had at a very expensive restaurant. Her response was that I had not bought a present – ‘which everyone does’ – and so I had actually got away ‘cheaply’. So, almost £150 for the meal and over £100 for the theatre – and I clearly had not spent enough.

I also got into trouble for not taking a selfie and putting it on Facebook. Firstly, my battery had run out, secondly, I did suggest it a number of times on her phone and, thirdly, I have basically stopped Facebook entirely as she was accusing me of having the wrong friends.

She has said that I do not share things about work. The other day I said that one of my colleagues had moved to a not-very-nice part of London from a very posh area because she was moving in with her boyfriend. ‘Oh, she can’t have lived there. She told you this and you believed her!’

I joined a team at work in order to undertake something called a Global Corporate Challenge whereby teams compete to see how much exercise they are doing. I said that, according to my performance, I was in the 85 percentile. ‘Oh that’s because fit people do not join these things.’ Given that there were 4,000 teams with 10 in each, the sample size was not unreasonable, as it happens.

Right now, the accusation of having an affair with a colleague continues. Not true. Yes, this person has been my confidant and she knows of my/our issues but that is all there is to it. She removed herself from my Facebook friends list and my wife actually wanted my phone the other day to ensure that the person had been removed.

Continually, there is this wall of negativity and aggression.

I could tell her that I found an old letter I had written to her in 2000. She had been in India and over the phone must have told me how she felt she was not being treated well by my parents and had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law. I do not remember that conversation but my letter – which she received – suggests that it must have happened.

So, long before the current accusation, there has been this theme of attacking / disliking anyone I may be close to. My sister-in-law, my cousin, good friends – all are talked about with disdain and dislike. I am sure I have held back on connections because of this.

Of course, I also have too much ‘fun’ when, in fact, she is the one with free time all through the day – as cooking, washing etc. only starts in the evening. So, I have withdrawn my gym membership.

I do not want to cross the border of saying, ‘nothing will ever be good enough for you. As we cannot afford to divorce, let’s be in separate rooms and cut the pretence.’

But I am fed up. I continue to try my best and continue to make an effort but every moment seems tense and dramatic.

Everyone tells me I have greyed and appear distant and sad. Is it any wonder?