235: The Fundamental Difference

 Been quiet since the last session on Friday - today is Sunday.

She has made a significant and helpful offer to my sister-in-law on a family matter.

She keeps going on about various 'fundamental differences' between her and me - and also keeps talking about the differences between our families.

Not sure how the latter matters given that I am not particularly close to my family - even my parents when they were alive - and have never imposed either values or presence on her. 'Yes, but I thought you wanted me to be like your family.' Far from it ... anyway, I really cannot be held responsible for what she thought I was thinking.

Then, on an individual level, comments on how I do not impose on friends but they are there to demanded of. I did not point out that I have a set of close and warm friends while her best relations are with her parents' friends rather than her peers. But, never mind, the more she underlines my weaknesses, the better.

Our counsellor is suggesting that we are simply not on the same plane. We just keep missing each other and looking for different things. 

And that is - fundamentally (!) - true.

I am at the end of the scale who is - relatively - easily content. Given my privileged position / start, that is quite a high bar. But, still, I do not have a constant hankering. I have complexes about height and looks and weight but they are my issues and do not affect others. I go out, make friends, do activities and enjoy the times while also appreciating quiet times. Work, in the end, means very little to me other than in building a life.

She, on the other hand, appears to be never happy. Get something and it is on to the next thing. Holidays, meals, going out, what 'other people do' .... 

The first attitude can lead to laziness but, push comes to shove, we have been lucky enough to have a pretty good life. The second helps to motivate but nothing is ever enough. (and I have been the donkey who has kept his head down and been fortunate enough to have brought back the sticks through thick and thin.)

And all that is never going to change.

234: Session 3 - Couple Counselling

 Following the last one, I started off this one responding to some of the things that were said. Just to give the Counsellor a full picture.

How, from the very beginning - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000 - I had been worried about her issues and what I could do about them. And nothing ever helped.

How I cut off a lifelong friendship because she was right in an argument with that person.

That while I have generally avoided confrontation and prefer to let things go with others, so I was the same with her. When she wrote to my cousins about my alleged infidelity, I asked them to respond as friends and not to defend me. How, when her brother writes to me to tell me that it is a good things that 3/4 parents have not lived to know of this situation, I do not tell him that 2 of the 4 did actually know because I had to tell them after she wrote to my cousins.

When she says now that I should have been more forceful about her going back to work or being more careful with money, that would not have been 'me' and still is not.

How, if, as she says, she does not criticise me to others and does not believe that I am useless, then why have I had this wall of negativity coming up against me throughout our marriage? I do not get it, never have.

She had read an article which said something along the lines of 'the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.' And, yes, it would be right to accuse me of a level of indifference these last few years. But, in my own way, I am passionate and I do 'invest' and I have just lost the confidence and the trust. And that the only road open is a 'good as possible separation', it seems to me. I cannot pack away all that has been said.

We have also spoken outside of the sessions - and I always wait for her to instigate. She said that she had reached a decision that, post separation, she would not be contacting me (ever) but that I should feel free to contact her. That whatever transpires would be my decision(s). That she needed to do this to protect herself.

I said that I had placed myself in her shoes - someone not wanting a separation but their partner leaving - and said that I would do the same thing. This seems to be a big element in her mental state and so that is fine. I understand.

I said that I would need counselling myself as I do not really know who I am any more. Am I that rather dessicated, dispassionate, aloof, ungenerous, bit useless person that I have seen reflected in her words? I could be.

She said that I was not only indifferent to her but also to others. And I agreed with her. When my brother was going through significant mental health issues, I did not reach out to him or my sister-in-law.

Then there was a long lecture on how her family was so different from mine and, again, how she had not been praised. I mentioned that I was, in many ways, and on purpose, different from my family. And that I had built a distance. And what did it matter what our families were like? We were in different countries for the first 4 of the 5 years of our marriage! What mattered was us and I never forced 'family' on us.

More sentences followed on how I do not ask anything of anyone - including her. Yes, I said, maybe I am a loner. I do worry about imposing on friends. But even if I do not visit, I know that they love me and appreciate me. Anyway, if doing me down in terms of character helps her, so be it.

233: 2 x Couple Counselling sessions - confirmation if I needed it

Been an interesting couple of sessions.

I stated at the beginning of the first that my objective was to find a way to transition from now to there - the separated state. That is also what I said to her when we had a conversation some weeks ago. Confidant: 226: I've been a bully ... and are you gay? (adult themed content!!)

I am blanking out most of what was said at the first session as it has all been said before. She went over again how she had been bullying towards me. That I did all the work. And I responded as I had before - which was to say that all that made her anger and unhappiness all the stranger. We then went out together for dinner.

I was away then through the week for work and, given that it was a nice conversation and we exchanged notes in the week, I genuinely had some thought about whether I was just being silly in trying to separate.

We had ended the first session saying that we would examine her 'anger'.

She had clearly been thinking about this and all sorts of incidents came out. From towels my cousin had desecrated to sarcastic comments my brother and sister-in-law had made. This went on for about 15 minutes and I listened.

I referred back to what I remembered of  - Confidant: 141: In the words of Don McLean, The Day the Music Died - April 2000  Confidant: 164: The Day the Music Died 2 (!) - and said that that was me. I try to look at the big picture and let go of what I consider to be the smaller slights. These date from 2000 - in the first year of our marriage. 

‘Why can’t we live within ourselves, secure in who we are and being forgiving of who we see? I never knew the meaning of love until I met you. You are everything to me – if you love me then nothing and no one else matters. But we keep falling out over people – why? I don’t understand. Am I that stupid, that naieve? Does my opinion of other people matter more to you than what I think of you? I go back to my original question – have I been so neglectful of you? Do I need to cut off links with my family?’

'Am I allowed to criticize? Just as I hope you will work on me so I hope you will allow me to work on you. [Remember, this was written 20 years ago - in much younger days.] All I would ask is that you be a little more forgiving of others and live by looser rules than you do. You have often berated me for what I believe are, ultimately, some of my strong points - and I've been similarly criticised in the past by my family; I was hoping to get a more sympathetic hearing from you! Yes, I am willing to ring when others have not rung me. Yes, I am willing to overlook slights. Yes, I am willing to go out of my way. As a result I have a strong set of friends and a family which thinks reasonably of me. None of us is perfect but we do think ourselves to be, then we judge others, find that they are not and that's when the trouble starts.

'Life is good. I can confidently say that, amongst my family and my friends and your family and friends, there is not one person who would wish us anything other than the best - let's enjoy that. Let's have an easy life.'

So, all those resentments and anger still remain. I said that maybe our values are just different. And this  second session convinced me even more there is no way back. I cannot live by trying to second guess. Enough.

In the first session (22/11) she said that her poor behaviour was down to her brother being diagnosed with schizophrenia and the stresses that her family had been put under. In this session her anger was due to my family (whom we lived on different continents from for the first four years of our marriage and then met perhaps three or four times a year) and how they did not value her. 

I pointed out that her own father and mother and aunt had mentioned her anger. I said how in Confidant: 102 - Antonyms and Synonyms, our then 11 year old son had referenced her anger. How, when Strom Desmond came - Confidant: 84 - Little Things that Amuse and Sadden - the exchange went, 'If you don't behave, Storm Desmond will blow you away,' she says one evening to our son. 'No, it will blow you away and dad and I will live happily every after.'

Out of the mouths of babes and all that.

232: Let it go ...

 I have been working abroad these last couple of months. Not on a continuous basis as the assignment is in Ireland but have been away quite a bit in the weeks, and coming back on the weekends. That's been a blessing I think and very fortunate - to have an assignment come through at all and that too one that keeps me way from the house for a bit.

We have agreed to go to counselling as a couple - starting on 22/11. Let's see how that goes.

The title of the post comes from a couple of comments made through the week.

She was incandescent with rage on Wednesday about a topic too convoluted to explain - but it was an inadvertent mistake and I was not the one making it! (She later apologised but said that she was 'allowed' under the present circumstances. I, of course, let it go.)

'I have had two jobs previously that I enjoyed and I gave them both up for you - I like my current job and can't have this shit going on. The first was at the American Consulate and the second was at the UN Development Programme.'

Other than making the point that 'this shit' was not down to me, I made no further comment.

We had had an arranged marriage. In the sense that we had been introduced and then left to our own devices - I was 30 at the time and she was 26. She was working at the US Consulate in Kolkata and I remember specifically asking her why she wanted to get married at 26 instead of enjoying her job and starting to build a career. There was no pressure from her parents.

The fact, probably, was that she was desperate to get out of Kolkata and marrying an Indian abroad was a good route. Regardless of the motivation, though, she left the role - not for me but because she chose to get married. I let it go.

We returned within a year (2000) on a cushy expat. package but then had to leave again in 2001 and move to Paris. She was working at the UNDP in Delhi at the time.

This was, for sure, a forced choice as I (probably 'we') did not consider moving to an Indian company as a 'local' as being viable. (Her contract at the UNDP was not going to be renewed, but that is another matter.) 

I did feel guilty about this, it was a constant stress - though she raves about Paris now - and I went to my CEO within a year and asked to move back to India or the UK. She, in the meantime, found a job and moved to London in 2003. Ultimately, I had to take redundancy and move back to the UK in 2004. So, yes, on this one occasion she had to give up something for me but I took action at significant risk to my career and our life and had to start again in the UK. 

So, it was effectively only one and a half years - and, even then, my company managed to find a paid assignment for her for a while. She then decided that we / she wanted a baby, and then did not go back to work for a long time. I would have been happy without a baby because I had married her and not some future child. But, hey, why let facts get in the way of a good story of sacrifice?

(I did not take an expatriate role in South Africa in 2005 as we were expecting a baby and I did not take a more senior role outside London in 2008 as we would have had to move as a family. Neither of these do I consider as 'giving up' something - just what you do as a partner and a family.)

I have, in the past, said that one of her cruellest cuts was to suggest that I would leave her and disown our son. She says to me, 'you say that my anger is inherited (her father actually told me that) and so I thought that perhaps your uncle's infidelity could also be passed down - and the effect that that had on your cousin / his daughter.' (She also said that I would leave and attempt to disinherit her and our son by starting a new family. We are in the process of writing out a formal will – which is sensible enough. But, of all her accusations, that I would disadvantage my son was the harshest cut. Even if she does not think that I have done much for her, can she say that I have neglected our son?) (Confidant: 155: History - when will she burp again?)

To think that I would do anything to harm our son remains, in my view, the cruellest cut. But maybe I am harming him now by separating? However, infidelity as a DNA gene ... I let it go.

231: An interesting weekend

 I had mentioned previously about going on (or not) on holiday in December. It was clear that she wanted a long, exotic, family holiday. It was equally clear that our son did not. I was not fussed - resigned to an angry wife, a sulky son or both! Confidant: 227: A Strange week

So we go to Trailfinders to find a holiday. I say to her beforehand that, 'You always say that I should speak. Well, I am telling you that we should not go on a long holiday. Our son does not want to and you would be forcing him. Asking him and then ignoring him is just giving him semblance of choice. Be aware that you are doing this for you.'

'No, we are going.' 

'Ok, well, you say I don't speak. I have given you my opinion. Let's leave it at that.'

There is a trip to Jordan for a price of close to £7000 base.  We have to decide by Sunday 5 pm.

Once again, on Sunday morning, I say that she should think again. That she could go on her own if she is desperate for a break. He would feel that you have listened to him and there would be enough of the Christmas holidays either side of Jordan for her to spend time with him.

Over lunch at the restaurant, she, to be fair, asks him again. He says that he does not want to go as his friends will be back from university. She suggests a trip to Southern Europe. I say that there are plenty of things to do in London. Our son remains adamant that he does not want to go.

Fair play, she says, ok. 'But you can't be stuck in your room. You have to communicate and participate in the family. Take part in Christmas cooking - rather than in 2020 where we just bought ready made stuff from Marks and Spencer.'

(from memory, that was when Covid restrictions were imposed suddenly and we could not go to my brother's house, where we were invited, at the last minute.)

Great that she did not insist on the holiday but what is it with this 'family' thing? She talks with great emotion about festivities in India when she was a child. But the conversation is all around the fun she had with her parents' friends! That is the group she still has the warmest relations with. Several of the next generation - her peers - live in London. Could she not try to recreate that here - as the eldest of her generation. 

Anyway ... I said to my son that this not going on holiday was a big concession and we have to be flexible in return on some of her demands.

'Family' is not an accounting system. We do our best and try to be good - but there is no guarantee of return and we should not expect it. And it is best created through empathy and friendliness and support - not fear and anger.

She has said to me a number of times these last few weeks that I should have fought back and that being rude and angry is part of family life. That just because standards of behaviour at work do not, cannot apply at work. There was line in this article which made me laugh: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/08/how-to-feel-the-spark-and-keep-it-alive-from-first-date-to-50th-anniversary

And it comes in the section titled 'The First Decade' - 'Don’t underestimate the importance of politeness either, Fox Weber says, even if that’s just in how you greet each other: “It’s incredible how rude couples can be to each other, in a way they wouldn’t to strangers or colleagues. This lack of respect masquerades as closeness and becomes an intimacy killer.”'

How many times have I said exactly that!!!???

230: So very typical

 She is going through the 'anger' - Confidant: 229: ... what is the point? a bit of anger from her - phase right now and starts having attacking conversations all of a sudden. 

I could just walk out of the room and say that, 'look, what is the point of this post-mortem' but I don't - I need to respond to this anger and engage with it so that she can work through the stage.

Our son's birthday weekend coming up. Apparently she 'begged' him to go to a couple of posh restaurants for dinner and lunch on Saturday and Sunday respectively. He repeatedly refused and chose a local Chinese and a not so posh jerk chicken place.

This upset her - 'I like going to nice restaurants with white, linen tablecloths. I know you don't - you are just entirely functional.'

'What has this got to do with me?!'

'I know you don't care. But I am hurt that we are not going somewhere nice.'

'It is his birthday, you have had the discussion with him. Not sure how I fit into that or why you are giving out to me.'

Then she went on - again - about how I never debated back, how arguing is part of relationships and so on and so on. Confidant: 226: I've been a bully ... and are you gay? (adult themed content!!)

A thought occurred to me later. She continues to say that instead of acquiescing I should have fought back over the years. (and I did do, on things that matter - not changing schools for our son, not spending £40k on a utility room when we had sunk well over £100k elsewhere in the house.) 

She, apparently, would have been fine with my being argumentative. But our son standing his ground and choosing the restaurants on his birthday has clearly upset her! What does she actually want ffs?!!!

And then she goes at me for not having sex since 2016 and how she had been desperate for it and had not said anything about my erectile dysfunction out of kindness to me. Fair enough - but I said that she would not have embarrassed me - it was what it was. And when we did have a sex life, it was relatively infrequent and I was the instigator almost every time, So, to think that she had a voracious appetite would be just wrong.

'You never spoke about it and I did not want to embarrass you.'

I suppose she could have spoken about it to me but I am glad she did not. I would have had to say that I am not really interested as I feel no emotional connection and could not be fussed to make the effort with viagra or similar. And I genuinely never considered that she was missing it. Does she have sex toys? Does she masturbate? I don't know but I doubt it.

229: ... what is the point? a bit of anger from her

 On a quick review of this blog I cannot find any entries in depth referring to the time - in 2015 - that she wrote to my cousins behind my back about an alleged affair (not true) and a host of other things. Anyway, she did.

Both my cousins let me know and I asked that they respond as if they were replying to a friend. I did not get angry, I did not confront her in any way. I found it strange that she did not write to her own friends or family - I assumed she did it to try to break my close links but it could equally have been a cry for help of some sort.

One of my cousins also told her dad and then I felt compelled to share with my parents, as they would have heard anyway and it was better coming from me. They asked me to share with my brother and sister-in-law and so I did.

'You were talking about us to your parents and your brother in 2015 - do you not think you should have involved me in your discussions?' she asks yesterday evening.

'Well,' I reply, 'my logic was that you had written to my cousins in confidence. I had asked them to respond as if to a friend. I did share that you had written, that we were having issues - but that we would sort it and no one else need get involved. You opened it up, this was the best way to shut it down.'

'Do you not think I should have been involved?' she asks again.

'If I had opened it up, your parents would have got to know I am sure and it would have been a big mess.'

'So, while we were doing up the house and so on, they were just laughing at me for being an idiot - doing that when the marriage was in trouble. People have known for eight years that we will separate and it was only me that found out three weeks ago.'

'No one was laughing. People go through issues and my logic was that there was no need to spread it. And no one knew about separation. All carried on as normal. In any case, with or without my saying it, it was obvious that we were having problems - we left our son with my brother to go to Prague. In any case, no one ever asked me or spoke to me on this subject ever again.'

(Actually, my mother told me to 'just get on with it' and no one did ever speak to me again - something that hurts me from time to time. But we have not been a family to share and that is true of me as well. In the late noughties my brother went through various issues connected with depression and I never really opened up to my sister-in-law or my brother on those at the time. Something I regret. We have spoken of and on since then but not at all deeply.)

We left it at that. I did not say that I did not get angry given the nature of the action. Unlike a mutual friend of our's who, in a similar situation, went and spoke to his in-laws in exasperation, I did not escalate the problems into her family. At some level it could have been humiliating for me to have to say to my parents that I was not having an affair, that my value as a person and a husband was being attacked in every which way. It was painful but not humiliating because I had not had an affair and I knew I was trying my best.

Then, later in the evening, another tangent.

While I did not remember the context, I had asked about a close friend of hers - someone she has known from school. 'Oh, she has basically cut contact with me - except the minimum. She is into veganism and new age and everything.'

'In the evening, I have not spoken about my friend to you these past few years because you would have said that we have sprung apart because of my character. You do not say anything but that is what you think.'

Eh?! 'No, I do not think about your relationship with your friends. That has nothing to do with me.'

And it is true that I do not think about it to any depth and certainly not to interfere in any way. But there are some pertinent points.

I cannot think of a peer friend whom she does not criticise in some way - and not insubstantially. She says I am in 'awe' of  my friends - rather that than look down on them, I think.

Even the ones she contacted and confided in re: this separation she has issues with.

I like to think that I have about a dozen close friends - male and female - whom I could contact and share anything with. Her warmest relationships are with her parents' friends - not to confide with but just in terms of depths of feeling.

None of that matters and I did not respond to anything other than to explain my intentions behind my actions. How she behaves with her friends, how things might have turned out if her parents had found out .. all conjecture and useless.

I will continue to respond to challenge but also continue to maintain my reserve? Is there any point to letting rip?