172: Happy New Year - at the end of 2021

Here we are, December 31st, 2021.

A year of Coronavirus - today is New Year's Eve and I wonder what the new year will bring.

Home life is ok with occasional eruptions of the volcano.

Our son is in his big year of public exams (GCSE) and he did very well in his practice exams - except for one paper in English Literature in which he was very poor.

These things happen but, of course, for a while it was as if the sky had fallen in.

But, then, we spoke to the teacher, understood the situation, he did a re-test and there was calm. She also appreciated how well he had done in the others and how he had shown resilience in performing well in the others when Eng. Lit. had been his first exam.

So, why, I asked her, could she not hold off on the anger - why erupt first and row back later rather than take the time to understand, reflect and coach?

But, overall, it has been fine. And so, what I am about to write may well come across as petty.

Close friends were coming to dinner on NYE. Generally I like to contribute to these things and, in the past, have often done all the cooking.

This time she decided she would make all the dishes and not allow me to do anything. Now, I can cook but I am no cook - and I do not have the patience for recipes. So, the unspoken message was that I do not cook very well and that the only way I could be useful would be to take the rubbish out and lay the table. And, even there, there was micro-managing.

Is that being unnecessarily conspiratorial? No.

When I have cooked everything, she has laid the table and all and I have not micro-managed as we had a division of responsibility.

Did she say, 'look, you have cooked the last couple of times, I will do it this time.' No, it was clear that I am rubbish and the best thing I could do would be to step aside.

I can handle that - no problem. And I see no need to fight against it - her choice.

The last bit to do was to make the rice. I suggested a measure - a certain number of handfuls per person. 'No, just let me do it.' 'ok,' I said. Clearly I could not even get that right!!

It seemed very likely to me that she was over-estimating and, in the end, there was way, way too much rice. Of course I did not say, 'I told you so' - though I would have been told in the reverse scenario.

So, in small things and large, I let go, I do not push, I do not counter the aggression when it comes - except when it might damage our son.

Therefore, while life is peaceable enough, I am reminded most weeks of what life could be without the stress of drama. And the desire to escape remains.

PS January 3rd: Dinner this evening. I had suggested I make a dish using some of the rice. 'I will make risotto.'

I go to tidy up a little and wash the dishes in the sink. 'Just do what I tell you to do.'

Well, you know, if I am that useless, just increases the argument for her to be better of alone!!

171: Continuation from 170 ... nothing big

Re-reading my blog, I came across the last entry - and something similar happened the other day. 

I was doing the dinner for our son and, by mistake, I had not moved some clothes that were drying in the kitchen. 

'Why couldn't you move these?' 'It would have taken a second.' 'You don't care because none of your clothes were drying.'

So, not only was I a complete incompetent rather than forgetful, I was also looking to get at her specifically and my actions were deliberate. Bollocks to this.

Ten minutes later, she is suggesting - all bright and bubbly - that she and I go out for dinner the following night as our son will be at a friend's in the evening. It takes me a while to 'come down' from being told off and some of that maybe shows in my response ... 'we don't have to go if you don't want, just say so,' she says. We go in the end.

I had to drain some peas for our son's dinner. Not noticing a strainer, I used a cheese grater that was to hand. 'Why are you doing that?! What if I want to grate some cheese?' 'But, you're not and I can wash it.' 'No, that now needs to go to the dishwasher. How stupid are you? How can you have such a low IQ? Who does this anyway. Your father was right - you are all technophobes.' And all in that shouty voice. 10 minutes later, I've gone upstairs, not reacted and it's all bright and bubbly.

She says she will wake up at 7 am the next day to get ready for work. At 8:25 am I knock on the door as she sings away to herself in the shower - I have to get ready for my work. 'Oh, sorry, I turned off the alarm and fell asleep. Anyway, I must have needed the sleep.'

Do I say, 'you are so callous. You said 7 am and I planned accordingly. How can you be so lazy. Just like your parents can't arrive anywhere without being an hour and a half late - so that is how you behave. Complete selfishness.' No, I don't - life's too short and what would be the point anyway. 

Another common trend is this obsession with saving little bits of money - not using a paid parking spot, not renting deck chairs on the beach - while being profligate with rather larger sums of money elsewhere.

She has been working for the last year. She did offer to pay the school fees for our son with her salary - it would have taken up all of it. But I suggested that she save that instead and it could be our holiday fund or maybe she could get a car - something material as reward for her labours.

A year down the road, she is about to spend almost £29k on a small (Mini) electric car. Absolutely not value for money. And that is fine. It is a luxury but there is nothing wrong with that, it is exciting and it is her money.

But I suggest that our cleaner - who earns £12.50 an hour - should get a modest pay-rise and the response is, 'no, she has to ask first.' Over the corona lock-down when the cleaner could not come, she initially objected to my suggestion that we continue to pay the cleaner's wages even though she was not coming - but later agreed, to be fair.

Situation remains relatively calm but, boy, am I tired.

170: My fault but is it just me ....?

 It's been really quite pleasant lately.

Now that travel has opened up partly as Covid eases a little (perhaps), she flew off to India to see her parents and brother - which she had not been able to do for almost two years.

Good mood on return, no aggro. with our son. A few days before she left she was quite bitchy about some topic to our son - I forget the topic - but he seems to be able to shake it off. I had been more upset by it and been sulky for a few days as a result.

So, yesterday she stomps upstairs and berates me outrageously for not having locked the back door. My fault entirely and not the first time, I have to admit. But the criticism is bordering on vicious. I do not debate, I do not apologise, I just stay silent. 

In the past, I have pointed out that she has left the keys in the front door all night - sometimes I have not mentioned it  - but I have never admonished in the tone that should, by now, be familiar to me. As if I had deliberately left the door unlocked and what a complete and utter incompetent for having done so.

When she has messed up in some way - as we all do - in the past, I have from time to time joked whether I should scold - yes, scold - her as she would us, just to make the point that anger is not always required or justified.

In the end I went to bed telling myself off for the amnesia that I appear to be guilty of all the time. Not for my not locking a door but her ability to be vicious and superior and just all round dramatic and unpleasant. Why do I forget? Why do I - after a small amount of sulking - genuinely overlook the faults and am pleasant and playful? 

That was last evening - this morning it was all bright and chirpy and good morning. The bitchiness never happened. It is as if I should forget all those moments of unpleasantness and rudeness and just live in the moment. How does someone do that? Tear a strip off and then carry on as if it didn't matter / never happened. The Confrontation story again. How does anyone even speak to another like that? No one has the right to speak in that fashion - but it is in her nature.

Well, if we are to stay together, there is no point in being unpleasant I suppose. But I am tired, so very tired - and angry for my naivete in forgetting / believing in something better. 

My situation is dire but not threatening. But is it parallel in some small way to an environment of harm? 'This time it will be different, this time we have turned a corner...', except that we never do,

169: My Mother

 So, as I wrote in Entry 166, my mother passed away in October 2020. I argued then that, because of the atmosphere at home, I did not really have the mood to write about this at the time. But I note that it took me a few months to get around to writing about my father as well.

Why is this? Guilt, because I was undoubtedly stand-offish and not very nice to both towards the end of their lives? Taking time to 'process'? I don't know.

I never saw us as a particularly close family. The word 'love' hardly ever passed between us - and I am talking about me here, not my brother and his relationship with our parents.

It was in 2012 or so I think, when I played a part in helping my uncle and cousin reconcile over some fairly serious issues that were threatening to tear them apart, that ma wrote, 'I also feel very proud that you are my son  - who has the compassion and understanding that everybody should have but they don't. Lots of love, Ma.' That was probably the only time that that word was shared. With both my parents I had a convivial relationship and I probably listened too much to what they had to say - making life choices that, in retrospect, I should not have. (which is not to say that alternative choices would not, in turn, have made me think that I should have listened more!!)

Through all my troubles, not once did they speak to me, once I had shared with them - and I only shared because my wife had written to my cousins behind my back about how horrible I was. My mother did share a letter I think - which I threw away - that basically said, 'you have to carry on, just like I did.'

And that did not work out wonderfully well for her really. Ma completed an autobiography before she passed away and there is significant ill-feeling against her husband and her mother about choices imposed. In my case, 'imposed' would be too strong a word but, for sure, there was a level of certainty and a set of fixed ideas that did not move over half a century - there was very little grey. And I wish I had been invited to share some of the grey, to consider some of the pros and cons of situations - whether university, work, marriage etc.. 

I 'own' every choice and every door that I went through but the relationship between my parents and me was 'transactional'. In the early years I was influenced by them but never looked to them for advice or have them act as confidants. They were dutiful parents who provided wonderfully well for their children and others, and I believe I was a dutiful son in return.

So, do I miss them? To have a conversation now and then - yes, I miss them. Just to have them around - yes, I miss them. Simply to have them healthy and happy - yes, I miss them. But this is not the great love affair that other kids seem to have with their parents - and I am sorry for that. In the end, perhaps, I miss the 'essence' of them and the 'idea' of them more than feel an emotional or physical loss. Nevertheless, I will be forever grateful for what they did and what they were and the benefits that I have accrued.

Rest in Peace.

168: Confrontation 3

 Haven't written for a while - been quite depressed. Like everyone else I suppose.

The dog-days of January have not helped - still in lock-down, terrible weather, uncertainty on work contracts. 

So, while our son fell below his usual high standards at the end of the winter term, he received good reports in the front half of the spring term. 'If your child were to get G in all subjects, we would be delighted', was the school's marking scheme - and he did.

But two weeks running, a few weeks ago, there was some reason for Her to get angry and go on and on and on at our son. This time I lost my temper. 'How is it that every weekend we have to put up with this tension? Why do you think shouting at him will make him do as you want?' 

I was expecting some comeback, but there wasn't any. I don't kid myself that she saw reason in some way or that, because I do not lose it often, that she had some second thoughts. No, it was just one of those things and I am sure resentment and anger is boiling up somewhere.

Our son is not perfect - he could be a little less stubborn and selfish but he is 15 - and, certainly, shouting at him is not a solution to anything.

167: Words to heed?

Completely different topic of an agony column - a woman not being able to choose between two men - but some apposite words?

'For most women the next opportunity for seismic self-scrutiny and reinvention doesn’t come until we are in our 50s when re-adjustments are often necessary for stage two of life’s evolutionary journey. The best way I’ve found to make such choices is to start with a clean slate and slowly build up the picture. Developing your destiny mustn’t be mitigated by fear of upsetting other people. Learning to be true to yourself and employing honesty and kindness towards others is the way to avoid the fear of causing hurt or guilt. Sadly, relationships are not beautifully balanced creations and therefore causing inadvertent pain when making choices is unavoidable.

'I may have laboured the point a bit here, but I really want you to stop and think about yourself, not spend these precious days erroneously believing the key to your own happiness is choosing which of these men best delivers it. The key to contentment, as I hope I’ve made clear, lies within. Free yourself to make choices and you might be surprised by the person who reveals herself.'

166: Confrontation 2

Been going on a few weeks now. In mid-October my mother passed away - but that's for another entry. It was the 15th of October - a Thursday.

That weekend my wife decided to 'confront' my son about some work that he was doing, in the way he was doing it and the amount of time he was spending on the PS4. And he does spend too much time on that and his work is a bit loose right now but the terms of the confrontation were harsh. And over the next two days, she basically picked fights for little or no reason with him.

These happen too often - Entry 157 - Partial Return to the Bad Old Days and I have warned her about her behaviour multiple times and what our son will remember - Entry 149 - Tale of Weekends.

Noise and stress irk me. I tell my son that my mother was often unfairly strict with me and that he will just have to suck it up - though I do speak to his mother now and again. 

But she has told me that confrontation is good, and just because I do not like it, does not mean she will not carry on.

Combined with the situation where my mother died, the fights put me on edge and rather depressed. And, I have to admit, lacking in patience to deal with her attitude.

The other day she comes home from work and asks me a question about the bins in that accusatory tone of hers. I snap back with an ill-tempered 'yeeeesss' - to which her response is that she had just asked a question and I did not have to answer in that fashion. And, yes, I should not have. But I am struggling. And even if I do not snap very often, I suspect I am being grumpy and uncommunicative.

We drive somewhere and come back and there's some arrangement in the boot / trunk of my car that she has a hang-up on? I haven't done anything about it because it affects no one. 'It's because you never want to do anything in the right way!' she says. 'I do everything in the right way.'

I find myself increasingly being snappy. The situation has not changed. I cannot divorce and leave because our son is 15 and it would be a huge disturbance in his life. With the inheritance from my parents I could probably afford an apartment now but I cannot leave him in her care and I don't know the chances of my being prime carer. And, anyway, it would be a seismic move that I don't have the energy or resources for right now.

I had thought that her working after so many years would have lessened the tension and stress when she walks in through the door - but the opposite has been the case. 

I feel a confrontation coming. Despite this blog, I am way past the point where I look to appoint blame. I am an ok person but clearly not for her. I have been lucky in that she has not had to do anything for me - I have not had a travelling job or unreasonable hours or family commitments which often imply sacrifice from the spouse. It has been her choices all along the way - so I have no guilt other than the fact that it will be a rather harsh thing to do. And I know that comes across as patronising and perhaps I do come across as implying that she could not cope - she has stated as much to me, that I have been helpful over the years in being a supportive husband because I underestimate her ability! (which I do not and never have done.) She is not as special as she thinks she is but, then, none of us is.

Anyway, if I am bad for her by being someone who never does anything right, is grumpy and also patronising, then why stay?

Postscript (10 December)

So, our son is having to self-isolate right now because of Covid and does not have to wake up much before 8 am - rather than the usual 7 am. She, though, still has to go out to work and leave the house at 7:20 am or so.

During the week I sleep in the guest room and suddenly I hear this huge noise at 7 am - she has her door wide open and is drying her hair. Not a big thing but it would have disturbed our son sleeping in the next room. She could have at least kept her bedroom door shut? It is just this casual selfishness. Years ago, in Spain, in a hotel, our son, about 7 years old, was not feeling very well and wanted to sleep. She, though, kept the TV on and watched loudly - didn't understand it then, don't understand it now.

And, for someone who prides herself on organisation and doing everything right, forget the washing all over the house right now (I am not allowed to do this as I am not competent enough), she has been taking her cereal in a bowl in the car to work! Very eclectic / charming no doubt but really?