I wrote a piece on LinkedIn about ‘team spirit’ and
how ‘everybody needs a Cheers (where everybody knows your name)’ to function
well. I cited my previous teams at work and, indeed, my school. And how there
was a convergence between good work and good team.
She reacted to this for some reason:
Just saw your post. So
obviously the facts that you don’t have to do most of the housework, most
evenings there is food on the table, clothes are washed (most of the time),
house is reasonably clean etc do not contribute to your success at
work??!! I do not expect you to go gaga
over all the things I do as we have a clear and fair division of labour. But if you are so appreciative of your
colleagues, your friends from the gym, etc. don’t you think I deserve
something??!!
My response as I had lost my temper by now:
The LinkedIn blog
is about work and what is it that could create a good team. And whether good
work creates a good team or vice versa.
Work at home has
never bothered me. I will happily do cleaning, washing, cooking. And I have
done far more than others.
It is the constant
sniping and strident criticism and instructions. You are mostly stressed and,
as I have said, that must have something to do with the way you manage your
work - leaving everything for the evening and the week-end. I generally come
home to a stressed household and, no, that is not helpful. I have learnt to
cope.
Last week, four
days running, you had our son in tears - one more day and I would have said
that if you want him to grow up like a vegetable like me then keep on doing
what you are doing. Or, alternatively, he will rebel completely.
Where does all that
anger come from? Was your mother as strident with all of you?
As for 'deserve',
what is it that you do not have? Find what you deserve by making space for
yourself and not by controlling me/us.
Her response:
Since you ask what is that I do not have - I think I
“deserve” something special for my birthday, our anniversary etc. and some “us”
time. You - I am sure unconsciously - always go back to work on my birthday. If you have wanted, you could have always
gone back a day earlier and taken the day off.
You have never done it. Did we do
anything for my 40th? No. We could have gone to a nice restaurant in
Marrakech. But we did not. In the past there has been at least one
birthday where I even cooked dinner. (Blog
note from me: we were in Marrakech already … is that not spend? and look at my birthday from Dec 2014)
Do you know why I never bother to spend my anniversary in
London? Because I know even if I am here
we will not do anything special! I did
get an expensive ring for the 15th but that was simply because I sort of
“forced” you. (Blog note from me:
have been to a West End show and dinner the last three years)
I agree that our son is our first priority but that does not
mean we do not do anything as a couple.
We could have easily left him at your brother’s and have gone off
somewhere (even if it is somewhere nearby for the weekend). (Blog note from me: she doesn’t like
my sister-in-law – but ok to ask a favour?!)
But we have never done it.
In the evening, you would rather take him upstairs to his bed and lie
down with him than chat with me… During
holidays / hotel stays, you would rather share the bed with him than me. This time when we were in NYC, we could have
done something special instead of a sub-standard meal at that Chinese
restaurant. . (Blog note from
me: we were in NYC already … is that not spend?)
As for the Christmas gift, you accuse me of blowing things
out of proportion. But you had left it
till Christmas Eve when everything is in total chaos. You had the time to go out with your
colleagues for Christmas lunch in spite of your busy work schedule but it seems
that I am your least priority. It’s the
same with the afternoon tea. You know
very well how much I always wanted to go for a proper English afternoon tea -
have we ever been to one? And when your
colleagues go for a tea and write you a postcard about missing you, you proudly
frame it. I’m sure if we were in London,
you would have surely gone with them.
That's fine M..
I am bad on
presents but I like to think I make up on the daily help - or have done in the
past.
Supporting you and
P. has been my highest priority, not the lowest - but in substantive terms and
not what I consider ephemeral. I suspect your friends would trade their
presents for the many hours of lie-ins you have had over the years. I have
clearly got that wrong and we have always been working at cross-purposes. It is
relatively recently that I have given myself more time.
Nothing to do with
your mail but I had planned to say that we could go to Rome in October, while
you have a break - to Madrid for example - in the May half-term.
There is a history
to this to do with how I feel you treat me and always have done but I have said
all that before.
I do not want to go to holiday on my own. I spend most of my waking hours on my own and
holidays are family time. Also there is
no point going on holiday for the sake of it.
You don’t like my company and we do not have anything in common
either. You have no issues going to a
cricket match with your team although they do not like / understand cricket but
you will never dream of doing it with me.
As for my friends, although it is tiring, they enjoy doing
what they do as it is for their families.
I had no issues shopping and cooking for 12 people over the weekend - in
fact I quite enjoyed it. For once there
were people to talk to. BTW I’m sure I
would have coped just as well if you were constantly travelling. Rather than having a husband at home who does
not even want to talk to you, starts every answer with “ugh”, it’s better to
have one travelling.
I agree you do a lot of house work. But if you ask around, you friends do lots of
stuff around the house too (e.g. mowing, fixing stuff etc.).
Don’t you think it was bit weird to have a “house-warming”
party at our house last summer without me?!
It seems all you care about it are your friends and the team. Don’t you think it’s bit obsessive that you
go to Facebook during office hours and put up stuff and tag them??!!
I respond to the accusations with facts:
You have been open
and so let me be also.
You said the other
day that you do not get a break from P. for 365 days of the year - well, I was
offering you that break. You have said
'no'.
Just like you said
'no' in the past to dresses, flowers, party/meal for your 40th that I had
bought or offered. In the early years I often talked about babysitters but,
again, you did nothing, which has obviously curtailed going out on a regular
basis.
You talk about
cricket. We went to a match once and you made it very clear that you did not
want to repeat that experience. You have made no attempt to take up a hobby or
any interest that allows you to interact with people - that has been your
choice because you have plenty of time.
Yes, I am sure you
would have coped if I had had a travelling job. But, let's talk about what
really happened. Month after month, even after P. started all day school, I
would come home and start a second shift whether that was cooking or clearing
up or ironing or whatever and working till 10. Before we had a cleaner or
gardener, I did it all. I began to think this was unfair and, starting with
swimming, began to create more space for myself. Even a couple of days having
to work late at the office - not social events - and there would be stress at
home. Even recently, I had to beg off my own leaving party early.
You will remember
perhaps that long before P. came along and we went out all the time, I used to
joke about your episodes and wondered if that was how your girls’ school had
trained its women in treating their husbands. So, my being afraid of your
reaction(s) is not new. And I have pointed it out in the past rather than keep
silent. I have tried humour, I have tried being simply subservient, I have
tried grumpy - there is always a bad mood episode just around the corner.
We moved into the
house on June 14th - the house was not ready by the time you left for summer holidays.
I wanted the party when the weather was good and we could be outside. Had I
waited for the last week-end in August, it would have been, 'we have one
week-end free before school and you have to spend it with friends. Why could
you not do it earlier?' So, no, I did not consider the party to be weird. And,
anyway, other than a couple, you treat all my other friends with disdain. So
why should I stress you out on them?
The way you speak
to me (and P.) is humiliating. And all these things build up.
You will not accept
this but I am confident that I have prioritised home over work. I was
determined not to be the dad who gets home after everyone has gone to sleep or
a dad who is out four days of the week, a dad who is absent and not involved in
the home - and I have been fortunate in being able to do so.
I know I add real
value but, in fact, it is only my friends who make me feel that I am valued -
and that has always been the case.
For lots of
reasons, I have failed in making you happy. Much of your focus is on the
outside. Beds are made on the day that our cleaner comes. You worry about
looking good but when at home with us you spend the whole day in your pyjamas
if we are not going out. Never late for friends but always 15-30 minutes late
if we are going out.
Rarely ironing but
taking ironing to my parents. Those shoes in the guest room, the suitcase in
the lounge, the receipts all over the floor - all moved only when people are
coming and yet you require very different standards from us. There appears to
be this demand to be admired and liked.
If you feel that
you have received less than you deserve, trust me, so do I.
But this, I am
sure, happens to lots of couples. You are the victim and the hero in your
story, I am in mine. I used to feel guilty about how you felt but that is no
longer the case because, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
You need to
de-couple your happiness from anything that I can do for you - ignore me. For
me, all I appeal for is that I do not come home evening after evening to a
weeping child and an angry mother - that relationship is nothing to do with me
and, believe me, he is now 9 and he will start to react and remember.
Where does the
future lead? I do not know. I am sure we can be grown up about this. You are
wrong to think I do not care; I do but have been burned too often. For
holidays, I will not, therefore, book Madrid but will book October in Rome as I
cannot afford to take a week off in May.
Break can mean couple / family time. You sending me on holiday is your way of
getting rid of me and ticking off an item on your list of duties.
From next year, P has the option of going away for a week / 5
days with the school. If he goes on a
trip, will you ever think of us going away somewhere? I am sure you will come up with some very
practical excuse like what if they have to return early for some reason, what
if P. falls ill, what if they try to contact us etc. You always take your holidays when P is on
holiday. You probably feel that it is
your duty to give me a break. But have
you ever thought of taking a day off when P is at school to spend it with me?
I doubt you will ever dream of doing what your brother did -
taking his wife to Morocco for their 15th anniversary. Even for our 20th, when P will be 14-15, you
will never do any such thing. How can
you ask others for a favour to look after P.?
Better not to do anything.
All this would not have happened if you bothered to spend
“quality” time with me. How many times
have we gone out for a special meal? I
am not counting meals at Wagamama etc.
You did try with the two lunches.
I could sense that you did it just out of some sense of duty / guilt
than enjoyment.
Please do not fool yourself.
You did not have the option to continue with a multi-national (and
travel constantly). You did not turn
down a job offer because of the long hours / travelling. Also you think I am not capable so you have
to be there.
Have you ever wondered the kind of friends / people who “value”
you? All your colleagues who are in awe
of you have very complicated personal lives (J’s partner with her children, B.
who is single and has all the time in the world), your cousin M. with her baggage
of problems, P. with her dying sister etc.
Do you have any friends who you think value you and have a “normal” life
with a spouse, kids, family etc?
There is no point in thinking about Rome in October now. No point in going away just for the sake of
it. All you enjoy about holidays, is
spending time with P. which you can do at home anyway without wasting
money. You are not keen about
sightseeing anyway.
A few days later:
Dear M.
I think – though
you may not agree – that one of the issues has been about my trying to find
things that will please you and be up to your standard. And this is a moving
target …. but let that be bygones.
So I have decided
to do things that I might enjoy and I hope you will join me. Vice versa also
applies.
Please have a look
at this stand-up comic.
This is on in May
half term.
1. I
will book two tickets for this – I hope you will go with me
2. I
am looking into a cottage or a B&B in the New Forest for the May half-term.
Something I want to do as it is supposed to be very beautiful
3. Later
in the summer I will book Rome because I want to visit, not out of duty
I feel downtrodden,
you feel neglected – we have to move on.
Can we make an
effort?
I am more than happy with all the suggestions. Before
you book Rome, just let me know as I might have enough airmiles for one person.
