61: Huge row - getting worse

One of the reasons I have not mentioned the thrown away cards has been because she is not entirely well right now. It is likely that she is going threw an early menopause. And I do not want to be in any way unfriendly right now. (25 Sep update - she is not, it was a delayed period)

But then she sends me this e-mail and:

In case you want to read or have not googled already - http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/menopause/Pages/Supportyourpartner.aspx

I respond

I had already googled.

I am happy to take on more load - as I have offered for this week-end for example. (Blog note: we have family coming around)

More cooking? Perhaps stock up over the week-end.

Take over washing duties? Happy to do so.

More responsibility for homework? No problem.

Cleaning up in the evening? No issues.

I genuinely want to help ...

I get home and am told that she will, ‘speak to me later.’

So, as we are going to bed, the diatribe starts. It is not about work, it is about acknowledging her. Why had I lied to her about confiding in someone? Why do I not praise her in front of others? The accusation of being obsessed with my friend B.. How the e-mail to B. clearly showed that I was in love. When walking to a restaurant, why was I walking in front of her and not with her? Why did I not share the Facebook update?

I lost my temper and asked her whether she had any idea how she treats me like shit? And I had never reacted until now. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make her happy.

‘Why do you still have that LinkedIn blog up there?’

‘Why not? It’s about work issues.’

‘And you don’t exactly do great work. Aren’t you ashamed that you’ve not had a pay rise for five years? Anyone doing a proper job would not have so much time for friends. People go to work not for friends. Don’t kid yourself that you are in a serious job.’

I said that I have been fortunate in not having to chop and change and met my commitments at home. That is not a sacrifice – that just is. And you are wrong about work – it is entirely about people.

(I didn’t say that I have been earning between £95 - £100k for the last ten years. Not out of this world but ok. And I have combined this with being a dad and a supportive husband. That I have had time for friends because, over time, the colleagues I interacted with daily became friends.)

I continued to say that if you tell people that somehow you are neglected, people will laugh. In terms of holidays and presents … people will laugh.

‘So where is my anniversary present then?’

‘Theatre and expensive dinner wasn’t enough?!’

‘You always object to receiving Christmas presents?’

‘That’s because I spend money on golf and cricket during the year and that is enough. And spending to buy this house, more than £30k on improvements – is that not money? Why is it only me who has to worry about finance. Do you have no contribution.’

I mentioned that she had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law many, many years ago. That, if not her, it would be other friends or relations, anyone who was close. It is just a pattern and I really do not know what to do.

Then she went off on another rant and I walked out of the bedroom.

She came after me as if to hit me, snatched my phone away and threw it across the room. ‘Is this how you show empathy?’

I had to admit that I no longer have the energy to show sympathy. I have to work, I have to earn, I have to survive and I just do not know what to do.

60: No Bust Up but …

Another traumatic week-end in a long line of traumatic week-ends.

Our son is going away for a week in March with school.

We had had some idea that we could too; this was in pleasanter times.

So, suddenly, she says that we could go to California. A bit far for a week but she does not want to go to Europe and SE Asia is even further away.

‘We never go anywhere.’ – USA East Coast, Prague, Marrakech, Spain, France in addition to India come to mind in the last few years
‘We don’t buy any presents.’ – Tiffany’s ring, multi-hundred pound handbags, multi-hundred pound shoes, clothes, pearl earrings …

‘We do nothing, we should be able to spend some money.’

I let all that go and did not say anything other than mild acceptance that we could go – only money after all, though we are struggling to make ends meet. Is it just my responsibility to keep us whole? Nothing from her in terms of where we could possibly save some money?

What about the lovely house we live in? The many thousands that we have poured into it? The good school that our son goes to? Is that not spend? Or does all that not count?

Then, in throwing some papers away from a bin, I noted that a couple of cards that my old team had given me had been put in there. This had been done without my asking or telling me.

Work is about building relationships. It was very kind of my team to give me a present when they left me and the thoughts expressed were appreciative of how we had worked together. Why was she throwing these away?!

But there is a pattern. At the very start of our marriage, she had thrown away a coffee mug that had been a present from a girl I had shared the house with – a friend. A tea coaster that harked back to a funny incident and presented by my cousin was similarly jettisoned. A collage frame with pictures of my cousin and me has been in a box and not allowed to be displayed.

It is all about control and I should lose my temper but I hold back. Why?

59: To be fair - source of some of her anger

To be fair, there are other sources of anger and some of it is my fault.

In one of our arguments she asked me whether I had shared our issues with anyone else. I, of course, said ‘no’ as saying ‘yes’ would have started off all sorts of ructions.

Then, stupidly, I left my Facebook open one day and she saw that I had exchanged notes with my friend B. This, she felt, was a betrayal and accused me of having had an affair with B. Though B.’s advice was about being patient and kind and empathetic. And of course we are friends only.

Then, somehow, she got into my Hotmail and found an e-mail that I had written to B. – an e-mail I had forgotten about.

To set the context, B. was part of a cult for many, many years. There had been abuse. B. was going through a traumatic time leaving the organisation and had shared confidences with me. She was wondering whether to go public and publish a blog. I responded as below:

Oh B. 

This is not a text conversation or an email one and I am rubbish on the phone.

Most definitely - it seems to me - you need to let go. That could be writing it all down, speaking to someone, meditation, whatever. But this needs to be in your own time when your gut tells you to and the mode that suits.

What you were treated to was horrendous. Criminal, shameful, deceitful, hypocritical and, should there be such a thing, sinful. Nothing spiritual about it - simply the fantasies of a repressed piece of slimy shit whose position corrupted what little humanity he may have had in the first place.

You're a great person B. Clever, kind, generous - the best of what we can be. The question is how you can leave further behind that which you already have moved away from? You've been lucky to find a good neighbour and her idea is wise but,  it appears to me, this is not Hollywood and our minds are not switches. I cannot imagine that it is possible to forget or ever rationalise what was done - it happened because he was evil and nothing can balance that. It appears to me that all you can do is put one step in front of the other and, in sporting parlance, control the controllables and for most of your time not let the poison seep through from past.

But those are just words. The struggle is your's but if I can help in any way by listening without interrupting tell me when and where and I'll be there - would invite you over but that would be burdening you as it is a long way. But happy to go the other way if you want to talk and you're always welcome.
Ach B. I love you to bits and I cannot imagine the horror of what you have been through. Thank you for sharing. Have you decided on publishing? The man is gone - are these things still happening? If not, the imperative I would advise is you and what helps you. Somehow, metaphorically speaking, you need to take the pain inside, box up and let go. Publishing could help and the argument against will be that a lot of good people will be harmed. But, equally, a lot of good people who have suffered will be helped. You could tie yourself up in knots - so do what is good for you. If you choose not to, that is not copping out - it is moving on, not with any forgiveness but with strength; your leaving was enough of a signal and those with doubts will seek you out. On the other hand, if you feel you can better protect who you are, feel it important to rail against inhuman injustice and thereby support others by publishing then do so.

Dearest B. -  I am amazed that you are what you are despite the horror. You are truly lovely, I am proud to call you my friend and I wish I had a balm that could make this go away. How do you focus on the minutiae of life when you have this behind you?  Onwards and let the slime disappear in time.

Take care and always only a phone call away.
A.

From B:

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Got some stuff to work thru obviously, but I'm OK.  Really.  I'm a fighter.  Those were prob my most raw thoughts on it all.
 
Just a bit taken aback by the fact that sometimes things seep out of the cupboards we put them in.  We can't compartmentalise as effectively as we would like.  Still not sure if I've been having panic attacks.  Don't feel ready to own that fact. When Phil came to pick me up at A&E the look on his face told me that he thought something or judged me in some way but there was so much going on and he couldn't see more than the tip of the iceberg.  I felt very stupid and it hurt. 
 
I think I prob do need to have a few sessions with a counsellor to just work it thru.  It's possible that some of it comes out even when I'm not even thinking about it. PTSD style.  It'll go soon I'm sure.  Just a temporary experience.
 
Main thing is I want to break away from anything victim-like ASAP ... I'm not a victim, that will be more of a painful thing to carry around than the original experience.  I'm strong and will easily get over this.  It's probably fucked my head enough to mean I'll never trust another man, but hey.  Collateral damage that may well save me from another set of pain!
 
All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well ... so they say.
 
Thanks for listening, but the best thing you can do for me is visualise me as strong, not weak.  I fought my way out and made all the difficult choices when MANY of my friends are stuck inside for the rest of their days ... I'll eventually catch up with where I could have been.
 
Onwards and upwards thru this life!
Only way.
With love
B

She picked on the expressions of love but not the bit about being a friend. I was trying to be supportive and I am sure B. did not take it as crossing any sort of boundary.

But words can always be misinterpreted I suppose. And how did she get into my e-mail anyway?!

58: In her words ... and some in mine

I wrote a piece on LinkedIn about ‘team spirit’ and how ‘everybody needs a Cheers (where everybody knows your name)’ to function well. I cited my previous teams at work and, indeed, my school. And how there was a convergence between good work and good team.

She reacted to this for some reason:
Just saw your post.  So obviously the facts that you don’t have to do most of the housework, most evenings there is food on the table, clothes are washed (most of the time), house is reasonably clean etc do not contribute to your success at work??!!  I do not expect you to go gaga over all the things I do as we have a clear and fair division of labour.  But if you are so appreciative of your colleagues, your friends from the gym, etc. don’t you think I deserve something??!!

My response as I had lost my temper by now:

The LinkedIn blog is about work and what is it that could create a good team. And whether good work creates a good team or vice versa. 

Work at home has never bothered me. I will happily do cleaning, washing, cooking. And I have done far more than others. 

It is the constant sniping and strident criticism and instructions. You are mostly stressed and, as I have said, that must have something to do with the way you manage your work - leaving everything for the evening and the week-end. I generally come home to a stressed household and, no, that is not helpful. I have learnt to cope. 

Last week, four days running, you had our son in tears - one more day and I would have said that if you want him to grow up like a vegetable like me then keep on doing what you are doing. Or, alternatively, he will rebel completely.  

Where does all that anger come from? Was your mother as strident with all of you? 

As for 'deserve', what is it that you do not have? Find what you deserve by making space for yourself and not by controlling me/us.

Her response:

Since you ask what is that I do not have - I think I “deserve” something special for my birthday, our anniversary etc. and some “us” time. You - I am sure unconsciously - always go back to work on my birthday.  If you have wanted, you could have always gone back a day earlier and taken the day off.  You have never done it.  Did we do anything for my 40th?  No.  We could have gone to a nice restaurant in Marrakech.  But we did not.  In the past there has been at least one birthday where I even cooked dinner.   (Blog note from me: we were in Marrakech already … is that not spend? and look at my birthday from Dec 2014)  

Do you know why I never bother to spend my anniversary in London?  Because I know even if I am here we will not do anything special!  I did get an expensive ring for the 15th but that was simply because I sort of “forced” you.  (Blog note from me: have been to a West End show and dinner the last three years) 

I agree that our son is our first priority but that does not mean we do not do anything as a couple.  We could have easily left him at your brother’s and have gone off somewhere (even if it is somewhere nearby for the weekend).  (Blog note from me: she doesn’t like my sister-in-law – but ok to ask a favour?!)

But we have never done it.  In the evening, you would rather take him upstairs to his bed and lie down with him than chat with me…  During holidays / hotel stays, you would rather share the bed with him than me.  This time when we were in NYC, we could have done something special instead of a sub-standard meal at that Chinese restaurant. .   (Blog note from me: we were in NYC already … is that not spend?)  

As for the Christmas gift, you accuse me of blowing things out of proportion.  But you had left it till Christmas Eve when everything is in total chaos.  You had the time to go out with your colleagues for Christmas lunch in spite of your busy work schedule but it seems that I am your least priority.  It’s the same with the afternoon tea.  You know very well how much I always wanted to go for a proper English afternoon tea - have we ever been to one?  And when your colleagues go for a tea and write you a postcard about missing you, you proudly frame it.  I’m sure if we were in London, you would have surely gone with them.

That's fine M..

I am bad on presents but I like to think I make up on the daily help - or have done in the past.

Supporting you and P. has been my highest priority, not the lowest - but in substantive terms and not what I consider ephemeral. I suspect your friends would trade their presents for the many hours of lie-ins you have had over the years. I have clearly got that wrong and we have always been working at cross-purposes. It is relatively recently that I have given myself more time.

Nothing to do with your mail but I had planned to say that we could go to Rome in October, while you have a break - to Madrid for example - in the May half-term.

There is a history to this to do with how I feel you treat me and always have done but I have said all that before.

I do not want to go to holiday on my own.  I spend most of my waking hours on my own and holidays are family time.  Also there is no point going on holiday for the sake of it.  You don’t like my company and we do not have anything in common either.  You have no issues going to a cricket match with your team although they do not like / understand cricket but you will never dream of doing it with me. 

As for my friends, although it is tiring, they enjoy doing what they do as it is for their families.  I had no issues shopping and cooking for 12 people over the weekend - in fact I quite enjoyed it.  For once there were people to talk to.  BTW I’m sure I would have coped just as well if you were constantly travelling.  Rather than having a husband at home who does not even want to talk to you, starts every answer with “ugh”, it’s better to have one travelling.

I agree you do a lot of house work.  But if you ask around, you friends do lots of stuff around the house too (e.g. mowing, fixing stuff etc.).

Don’t you think it was bit weird to have a “house-warming” party at our house last summer without me?!  It seems all you care about it are your friends and the team.  Don’t you think it’s bit obsessive that you go to Facebook during office hours and put up stuff and tag them??!! 

 I respond to the accusations with facts:

You have been open and so let me be also.

You said the other day that you do not get a break from P. for 365 days of the year - well, I was offering you that break.  You have said 'no'.

Just like you said 'no' in the past to dresses, flowers, party/meal for your 40th that I had bought or offered. In the early years I often talked about babysitters but, again, you did nothing, which has obviously curtailed going out on a regular basis.

You talk about cricket. We went to a match once and you made it very clear that you did not want to repeat that experience. You have made no attempt to take up a hobby or any interest that allows you to interact with people - that has been your choice because you have plenty of time.

Yes, I am sure you would have coped if I had had a travelling job. But, let's talk about what really happened. Month after month, even after P. started all day school, I would come home and start a second shift whether that was cooking or clearing up or ironing or whatever and working till 10. Before we had a cleaner or gardener, I did it all. I began to think this was unfair and, starting with swimming, began to create more space for myself. Even a couple of days having to work late at the office - not social events - and there would be stress at home. Even recently, I had to beg off my own leaving party early.

You will remember perhaps that long before P. came along and we went out all the time, I used to joke about your episodes and wondered if that was how your girls’ school had trained its women in treating their husbands. So, my being afraid of your reaction(s) is not new. And I have pointed it out in the past rather than keep silent. I have tried humour, I have tried being simply subservient, I have tried grumpy - there is always a bad mood episode just around the corner.

We moved into the house on June 14th - the house was not ready by the time you left for summer holidays. I wanted the party when the weather was good and we could be outside. Had I waited for the last week-end in August, it would have been, 'we have one week-end free before school and you have to spend it with friends. Why could you not do it earlier?' So, no, I did not consider the party to be weird. And, anyway, other than a couple, you treat all my other friends with disdain. So why should I stress you out on them?

The way you speak to me (and P.) is humiliating. And all these things build up.

You will not accept this but I am confident that I have prioritised home over work. I was determined not to be the dad who gets home after everyone has gone to sleep or a dad who is out four days of the week, a dad who is absent and not involved in the home - and I have been fortunate in being able to do so.

I know I add real value but, in fact, it is only my friends who make me feel that I am valued - and that has always been the case.

For lots of reasons, I have failed in making you happy. Much of your focus is on the outside. Beds are made on the day that our cleaner comes. You worry about looking good but when at home with us you spend the whole day in your pyjamas if we are not going out. Never late for friends but always 15-30 minutes late if we are going out.

 Rarely ironing but taking ironing to my parents. Those shoes in the guest room, the suitcase in the lounge, the receipts all over the floor - all moved only when people are coming and yet you require very different standards from us. There appears to be this demand to be admired and liked.

 If you feel that you have received less than you deserve, trust me, so do I.

But this, I am sure, happens to lots of couples. You are the victim and the hero in your story, I am in mine. I used to feel guilty about how you felt but that is no longer the case because, no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

You need to de-couple your happiness from anything that I can do for you - ignore me. For me, all I appeal for is that I do not come home evening after evening to a weeping child and an angry mother - that relationship is nothing to do with me and, believe me, he is now 9 and he will start to react and remember.

Where does the future lead? I do not know. I am sure we can be grown up about this. You are wrong to think I do not care; I do but have been burned too often. For holidays, I will not, therefore, book Madrid but will book October in Rome as I cannot afford to take a week off in May.

Break can mean couple / family time.  You sending me on holiday is your way of getting rid of me and ticking off an item on your list of duties. 

From next year, P has the option of going away for a week / 5 days with the school.  If he goes on a trip, will you ever think of us going away somewhere?  I am sure you will come up with some very practical excuse like what if they have to return early for some reason, what if P. falls ill, what if they try to contact us etc.  You always take your holidays when P is on holiday.  You probably feel that it is your duty to give me a break.  But have you ever thought of taking a day off when P is at school to spend it with me?

I doubt you will ever dream of doing what your brother did - taking his wife to Morocco for their 15th anniversary.  Even for our 20th, when P will be 14-15, you will never do any such thing.  How can you ask others for a favour to look after P.?  Better not to do anything. 

All this would not have happened if you bothered to spend “quality” time with me.  How many times have we gone out for a special meal?  I am not counting meals at Wagamama etc.  You did try with the two lunches.  I could sense that you did it just out of some sense of duty / guilt than enjoyment. 

Please do not fool yourself.  You did not have the option to continue with a multi-national (and travel constantly).  You did not turn down a job offer because of the long hours / travelling.  Also you think I am not capable so you have to be there.

Have you ever wondered the kind of friends / people who “value” you?  All your colleagues who are in awe of you have very complicated personal lives (J’s partner with her children, B. who is single and has all the time in the world), your cousin M. with her baggage of problems, P. with her dying sister etc.  Do you have any friends who you think value you and have a “normal” life with a spouse, kids, family etc?

There is no point in thinking about Rome in October now.  No point in going away just for the sake of it.  All you enjoy about holidays, is spending time with P. which you can do at home anyway without wasting money.  You are not keen about sightseeing anyway.

A few days later:

 Dear M.

I think – though you may not agree – that one of the issues has been about my trying to find things that will please you and be up to your standard. And this is a moving target …. but let that be bygones.

So I have decided to do things that I might enjoy and I hope you will join me. Vice versa also applies.

Please have a look at this stand-up comic.

This is on in May half term.
1.    I will book two tickets for this – I hope you will go with me

2.    I am looking into a cottage or a B&B in the New Forest for the May half-term. Something I want to do as it is supposed to be very beautiful

3.    Later in the summer I will book Rome because I want to visit, not out of duty

I feel downtrodden, you feel neglected – we have to move on.

Can we make an effort?

I am more than happy with all the suggestions.  Before you book Rome, just let me know as I might have enough airmiles for one person.

57: Is it in the DNA?

Sitting around the dinner table with my wife's parents.

Her mother says, ‘years ago, after doing all the housework in the morning, I used to go to my teaching job. On the way back, I would often meet up with friends – but had to lie to my mother-in-law as she would have gotten angry if she had found out that I had not come straight home.’

Around another dinner table with her aunt and my sister-in-law – her brother’s wife. ‘Your wife’s grandmother often used to get angry. And no one knew what would set her off.’

Her own father: ‘She gets her anger from my mother. You see, that is why I am always jittery.’

Her own mother: ‘She is a bit of a possessive and moody woman - khandanni.’

56: A Lot Has Happened

A lot has happened in the last few months – a lot of traumatic conversations. Are things better? No.

Some of the history I will recapitulate in subsequent updates – this one here is for more recent incidents.

But let me start with something good.

The other day I was lying down next to our son when he woke up. And he gave me the smile that he used to give when he was little – one of recognition and affection. He reminded me of why I keep going.

Right now, with constraints on pay, my wage has not increased for quite a few years. Our expenses, however, have grown – not least because we moved to a new house when we had actually paid off the mortgage on the old one. Until we can move to a new deal – hopefully next year – I have suggested that we need to be a little careful about money. For the first time ever.

Mostly, I have asked her to be careful about our credit card bill which, when she is around, averages at about £1400 per month. When I am on my own, it is about £200 per month. August was low as she was away and, for my mistake, I said that half of that was the very expensive meal we had at a very expensive restaurant. Her response was that I had not bought a present – ‘which everyone does’ – and so I had actually got away ‘cheaply’. So, almost £150 for the meal and over £100 for the theatre – and I clearly had not spent enough.

I also got into trouble for not taking a selfie and putting it on Facebook. Firstly, my battery had run out, secondly, I did suggest it a number of times on her phone and, thirdly, I have basically stopped Facebook entirely as she was accusing me of having the wrong friends.

She has said that I do not share things about work. The other day I said that one of my colleagues had moved to a not-very-nice part of London from a very posh area because she was moving in with her boyfriend. ‘Oh, she can’t have lived there. She told you this and you believed her!’

I joined a team at work in order to undertake something called a Global Corporate Challenge whereby teams compete to see how much exercise they are doing. I said that, according to my performance, I was in the 85 percentile. ‘Oh that’s because fit people do not join these things.’ Given that there were 4,000 teams with 10 in each, the sample size was not unreasonable, as it happens.

Right now, the accusation of having an affair with a colleague continues. Not true. Yes, this person has been my confidant and she knows of my/our issues but that is all there is to it. She removed herself from my Facebook friends list and my wife actually wanted my phone the other day to ensure that the person had been removed.

Continually, there is this wall of negativity and aggression.

I could tell her that I found an old letter I had written to her in 2000. She had been in India and over the phone must have told me how she felt she was not being treated well by my parents and had used the word ‘hate’ in the context of my sister-in-law. I do not remember that conversation but my letter – which she received – suggests that it must have happened.

So, long before the current accusation, there has been this theme of attacking / disliking anyone I may be close to. My sister-in-law, my cousin, good friends – all are talked about with disdain and dislike. I am sure I have held back on connections because of this.

Of course, I also have too much ‘fun’ when, in fact, she is the one with free time all through the day – as cooking, washing etc. only starts in the evening. So, I have withdrawn my gym membership.

I do not want to cross the border of saying, ‘nothing will ever be good enough for you. As we cannot afford to divorce, let’s be in separate rooms and cut the pretence.’

But I am fed up. I continue to try my best and continue to make an effort but every moment seems tense and dramatic.

Everyone tells me I have greyed and appear distant and sad. Is it any wonder?