Very interesting article on mid-life
crisis – and even more interesting comments below the line.
Of relationships it says, ‘In her book Male and Female, she floated
this suggestion: we should allow two, three or four marriages. “The first,”
Jackson summarises, “for youthful passion, your second marriage for parenthood,
your third marriage for companionship.” (Jackson ends there. Maybe a fourth for
different companionship, once you have had enough of the third?) “There’s
nothing to suggest that can’t be all to the same person,” Jackson adds,
although if that were true, the relationship wouldn’t have been in crisis in
the first place.’
When it talks about taking
control and, say, leaving one’s current relationship and going off, ‘It’s not just that there is a vanishingly
thin line between authenticity and selfishness, because – especially in a
family – there is no such thing as consequences-for-one.’
When it talks about choices
that we make in life, ‘Footfalls echo in
the memory, Down the passage which we did not take, Towards the door we never
opened, Into the rose-garden.’ TS Eliot, Burnt Norton
I have often thought that, ‘A mid-life crisis is a luxury, probably
triggered by too much leisure time and exercise; try dealing with a major
illness or a something really dramatic, shitty and prolonged at work and you
might realise that you didn't need to have one:). First World Problem’
To which another person
wrote:
‘I've dealt with horrible situations at work,
ending in redundancy, and also major surgery. But, having worked in many, I can
assure you that people in poorer countries also experience a similar mix of
feelings about aspirations unfulfilled, contentment mingled with regrets,
beginning to fear rather than embrace the future - particularly in situations
of major generational shifts. People who lost so much in liberation struggles
only to see everything they fought for overturned or forgotten. Not just a
First World Problem.’
‘Throughout my forties I would often ask,....
so when is this midlife crisis thing going to hit me?
And then it did. One day I found myself in a
specialist hospital unit with lots of worried faces staring down at me, and my
wife asking nervously of anyone who looked competent, ' Is he going to die?'.
Not the midlife crisis I expected, but a
proper, full on, five star, life threatening crisis nevertheless. Fourteen
years on and I didn't die, but without wishing to sound remotely sanctimonious
- always a risk for us survivors - my 'crisis' did fundamentally change my
outlook on......pretty much everything.
'These days when I hear the phrase, 'Is this all
there is?', I bite my tongue, and I think to myself, what do you mean, 'all'?
Is health, wealth, democracy, education, abundant food, entertainment of every
description at the touch of a button, foreign travel, the love and
companionship of family and friends....plus, in my case the knowledge that a
team of very clever people fought and worked hard to bring me back from the
dead. Is this not enough?
'If this is 'all' there is ....then I'll take it, no questions asked, no further
explanation needed. Having a crisis? Get ill....very ill....then
fight your way back.’
And something I have pondered,
‘One of the tragedies of modern life is
that most of us don't have a big enough purpose to live for.
‘We buy in to the message that romance, sex,
work or material stuff can be enough. While these can be good in themselves
they simply can't bear the weight of our needs to have significance, to be
loved and to have purpose.’
‘Isn't that what most of us have kids for, so
that we have a purpose? When they grow up and away (although that's getting
harder these days as we all know), then the 'purpose' disappears and if you're
not careful so does your reason to be.’
And then a passionate
thought:
‘Is this all there is?”... If the question ever
surfaces you're in (relative) luck, because it means you have time to
contemplate and possibly the resources to change route.
"If we all
dropped everything to go on a voyage of self-discovery...". This is a
voyage that is easy to set upon. The sooner the better. It basically starts
with one fundamental question: What hand have I been dealt in life? and its
derivatives: What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses? How do i combine
these to reach my potential ..or at least increase my chances of survival (as
is the case for the many)? What do i actively love doing? etc.
'Depending on the
clarity (lots of luck and tutoring needed here) of the results of such a self
survey, one can slowly form a toolkit to deal with the ups and downs of real
life and discard other peoples' 'models' and fantasies that invariably lead to
stupidity and frustration.
‘We all are a product
of randomness and we need lots of help and need to help others. We could do
well to go short on our mythologies of "hard work" and the
"success" of "self made men/women". Those of us lucky
enough to feel content, we should be thankful for the gifts nature bestowed on
us and pay back with love and consideration for those beings and surroundings
that make our lives truly meaningful.
‘Embrace your mid-life crisis! Let it shake you
to your core! Because for some, it is an unstoppable force of destruction. Destroying
what is no longer relevant or appropriate or necessary. It can come in the form
of job loss, divorce, emptying of the family home, nervous breakdown, illness
... whatever. As we gear up to face the second half of our life, jettison what
is holding you back before life comes and disposes of it for you. Mid-life
crises - buying a leather jacket, buying a Harley, running off with someone 20
years younger than you - I guess these are all possibles but I think of
mid-life crises as an existential even spiritual breakdown where we are asked
to put ourselves back together again in a new fashion. It can be horrendous,
but if embraced and faced can be a devastating force for positive change.’
